Just last week, a friend of mine, Becky received an email from the other woman.” Granted, when this woman (“June”) became part of the picture, Becky and her husband, George” were in the midst of a horrible marriage. He was addicted to prescription pain medications and he had all the personality traits and behavior of an addict—explosive outbursts, blaming, sorrow, stealing money, hiding, lying, and more. Becky and George had two young daughters and their relationship was toxic for everyone. Becky was going to file for divorce and she was getting all of her ducks in a row so she could kick George out of the house soon. She was saving money, had selected an attorney after interviewing several, she had her single mom budget carefully figured out, and she was getting emotionally prepared.
And then Becky found out that George had a profile on a dating website. That was the final straw. Becky moved out of their home, taking the two children with her. Everyone’s life was in turmoil. The children were confused and hurt. Becky was unable to eat or sleep. And George… he had a new girlfriend already (yay for him! who needs to recover from a relationship when he can just hop into another one instead?) That’s right, George had moved on in a matter of days, and he loved throwing it in Becky’s face. “See what a catch I am?” he texted her once. “I already have a new girlfriend and you will never find anyone as great as me. You’re a single mom—hahahaha.” Mature, right?
Flash forward to a week ago when June emailed Becky. June had just kicked George out of their home. She wanted sympathy and understanding from the one woman who knew her hell—Becky.
“George is a sick man,” June wrote. “I am done with him.” And June spent the next several paragraphs telling Becky of some of the horrible things George had done in their time together. He lied, used pills, stole her medications, screamed and accused. He blamed June for his addiction. He promised to get well (but he didn’t). Gosh, this was all sounding so familiar, thought Becky. June was describing her marriage almost to a T.
She needed a couple days to process this new information. She was initially … thrilled. She felt vindicated. George wasn’t really a great man and father who was just in a bad marriage with her. George was still an addict. His behavior hadn’t changed a bit despite a new relationship. The bad marriage and divorce weren’t Becky’s fault after all, as George had tried to convince her it was. In Becky’s world, everything seemed right again.
Then Becky became angry. She had so much to say to this woman.
Dear June,
I’m so sorry you lived my hell. Actually, not really. Let me remind you that you inserted yourself into the middle of MY marriage. I was going to divorce him anyway. George was honest with you when he said that our marriage was over. Still, that did NOT give you the right become part of OUR FAMILY. With all its flaws and imperfection, I (WE) had a right to end our marriage without another woman in the picture. Our children had a right to their dad’s attention during a very tough time. YOU helped heap unnecessary additional pain on so many people.
You ended up with a sick man who did not become “better” simply because you were around. You deserve exactly the man you started dating. A sick, addicted, abusive, narcissist. Your surprise that things didn’t work out so great is called KARMA. As you start dating again, you might want to make sure that you don’t pick someone else’s husband.
You want me to console you? I don’t think so. Without you, George and I could have ended our marriage with clarity and maybe even a bit more dignity. And you SHOULD have told George to spend more time with his children instead of letting YOU become THE distraction. Instead of pulling him away from his family, you should have done just the OPPOSITE. How many holidays, birthdays, and big events did he skip because he was with YOU? Shame on you!
Well, I hope you’re happy. You made choices, you hurt people, you enabled George, and what exactly do you want me to say to you? That I know your pain and struggles? Yes, I do. And, thanks to YOU, my life and the lives of my children were made even worse.
I hope you’ve learned something. And karma is a bitch.
Becky
And there you have it—an email to the other woman. And, yes, June is the “other woman,” even if she arrived towards the end.
Ladies: If you are dating a man who just split (or is in the process of splitting) from his wife, you’re nuts.
Yes, you have to put some of the blame on June for going after a married man, or, in my opinion, any man with minor children. But most of the blame must fall on George for taking the bait, so to speak. Both ladies are well rid of him.
Good for you! I’m going through same thing. But girl friend won’t admit my husband narsistic behaviors. She is having too much fun with my money! She told me not her problem if he rather be with her then his kids. I hope this girl gets back what she deserves. He is a ticking time bomb. So For all the pain she added to our divorce and kids time with thier dad. Warning to women who get involved with married men even if going threw divorce go find yourself another jerk plenty out there. The kids and wife don’t need more BS. And your not special your just something to keep him busy and manipulate! Good luck
From my experience, you can’t judge the other woman because she is just lapping up all the lies he is feeding her. My ex husband was active on dating sites while we were married and I uncovered his posts on sex forums as well after I discovered his double life. According to her, the sex forum posts were apparently my idea. If you type his username oderig22 into google some of it is still there and it is disgusting. Why would I, a mother of two daughters, want to be a part of that sort of thing, but that is what he told her so that is what she believes. He was married to me when he met her on RSVP, she didn’t know he was married until I found the text messages and let her know. She said she would stop seeing him but they carried on in secret until I discovered them together. I tried to fix it, we were going to marriage counselling, but some how he had managed to justify to her that to continue the affair was a good idea. Apparently he didn’t want to hurt me. She truly believes he is the victim in it all. He even managed to talk me into financing their love nest. I’m not stupid and neither is she. I’m an educated professional and so is she. She teaches Senior English at a prestigious private school here in Adelaide and I’m a nurse. But this alcoholic, narcissistic loser has somehow managed to con both of us, she just can’t see it yet. He got thousands of dollars out of me but she thinks it’s nice that he gave me the house even though I paid for it. I wonder how much money he has ‘borrowed’ from her? I know how he works – telling each woman a different story because he did it with me and his first wife. Nothing he told me about his first wife and his first marriage was true- I know that now.
wow. I’m sorry to hear your marriage was so horrible. I am also sorry to hear how you don’t take any responsibility for your actions in the marriage…yes, I’m sure you were perfect. Remember it takes two in a marriage. As far as “the other woman” – while I don’t condone her actions, I think you should stop blaming her and realize of anything, she saved you a bit of pain. Now you have someone to blame instead of the real issue of why you stayed in a clearly toxic relationship??? Move on and grow up. Moreover, how DARE you ever say with authority that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to love someone or try to because they are separated????? In some states you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce. Remember that yourself.
Eva life is not black and white. I was actually pretty much the perfect wife but I had no idea that the person that I thought I married didn’t exist. He didn’t go off with her because there was anything wrong with me, he went off with her because he was addicted to sex and the rush of the new fling. Of course it didn’t last. They got bored when the high didn’t last and I assume also when he was no longer able to pay for hotel rooms and restaurant meals. I would never have married the man he turned out to be but I had no idea, everything he told me about himself was a lie. Nothing about him was real. It was a toxic relationship but I didn’t know and I really didn’t need to find out the way that I did. And that’s the point just because a man tells you his marriage is unhappy or over doesn’t give you the right to insert yourself into the situation.