Several weeks ago, I got an email from a reader asking if I thought that dating before your divorce was final was considered cheating. This, honestly, is a complicated question. Sure, the marriage is over, the two of you have officially split, the divorce petition is filed… So, is it ok to jump into dating? And, if you do, while likely hurtful to your soon-to-be ex, is it considered cheating?
I’m going to say that, yes, it is cheating. And if it isn’t cheating, it definitely is wrong. And the reasons are many. I speak with experience. As I’ve written a million times, I despised my now ex-husband while we were married. I never loved him. He was a volatile, mean and abusive alcoholic. He was evil and frightening at times. When I finally left him in the wake of my cancer diagnosis, I was so over it (and him). Yet… when we left, there were two very confused and hurt children. I was sick (extremely sick, like life-threatening sick). We were confused and scared… There were so many unresolved issues between my ex and me, like filing for divorce, all of my belongings were still in our shared home, we had many assets to divide, even dogs that needed to be split. Life was so “up in the air.” While the girls and I were trying to settle and make sense of a life that none of us chose or foresaw coming, and I was getting chemo and losing my hair and dropping weight at an alarming rate, my husband was on dating sites within days of our departure. Within several weeks, he had a new girlfriend, the one he is with some four years later. It was devastating to me to think that while we were in such turmoil, he was having new sex with a woman he just met and enjoying the start of a new relationship. And, truly, what was this very emotionally sick man doing dating instead of healing, dealing with his severe alcoholism, and concentrating on confused and bewildered children. As he dated so quickly, what was he teaching his two older children about family and marriage? That is mean absolutely nothing at all. It was all just so… so WRONG.
And for the new woman in his life, I had to wonder what kind of idiot dated a man under these circumstances. And why she chose to hop into the middle of someone else’s marriage and complex divorce. As a survivor herself of a divorce, she knew how horrible the entire process could be. While my ex and I had split, for her, dating a guy under such horrible circumstances meant she was dating a major asshole with huge unresolved emotional issues. Why would any woman do something so stupid on purpose? I had to think she was as emotionally sick as he was.
And for me… it made me dig my heels into the proverbial sand when it came to our divorce even that much harder. If he wanted to enjoy having fun while I was so sick and the kids were so hurt, I was even less willing to have conversations with him that would make the divorce easier on him. I knew what I was owed (a lot, considering I loaned him a ton of money to pay off his former wife) and I was hell-bent on making sure I got exactly what I was entitled to.
So, based on my experience (and the experiences of others I know), here is why, if you ask me, you should refrain yourself from dating until after your divorce is final (even if your husband is jumping back in already):
Your marriage deserves to end without a third party involved
Doing so complicates an already extremely complicated, highly emotional and volatile situation. If you have children involved, this should be a time that you (and your ex) should be focusing on them, making sure that they assimilate as best as possible into their new reality– a reality that includes conflicting parenting approaches, two new homes, split holidays, and unspeakable pain and confusion. This is also a time that you should be focusing on your new reality, too—a new home, a different budget, focusing on your divorce and attorney and court dates, and splitting assets. You should probably be seeking therapy or, at a minimum, taking time to heal, like going to yoga, starting up a new exercise program, and learning how and why your marriage failed and how you can ensure you don’t repeat past mistakes. Taking your focus away from all of that and pouring yourself into trying to find a new boyfriend is a big, huge, ginormous mistake. It takes your eye off of what is most important right now—and that is you and your children. Even if your ex is already dating doesn’t mean that you should. This isn’t (or shouldn’t be) a contest of who can get hitched faster. Be wise. Be smarter than your ex, and give it time. This is what mature adults do.
Finding a new boyfriend can make your divorce a lot uglier
Are you ready to have your ex potentially make your divorce longer and more contentious than it already is? If so, find a new boyfriend and, especially, throw it in his face. Jealousy and raw emotions never fare well in the divorce process. If you want to give him “permission” to be less cooperative in the divorce, go for it. If not, take your time and focus on the right things… your children, your healing, and ending your marriage the best way possible.
It teaches your children some very bad messages
If you want to teach your children that marriage means nothing, start dangling your new dating life and, if you find someone who will stick around, your new boyfriend, in front of them. This will show them that commitment is meaningless and so are the vows in marriage. It will hurt and confuse them beyond measure and it will take away precious time that they need with you. Even if your spouse is actively in the dating scene, this does not mean you should follow or one-up him. Be smarter than that.
It hurts people
Even if your marriage (and split) were awful, what good does increasing the pain of others do? Nothing. It hurts everyone, including you, when adequate time to heal doesn’t take place. You should be in therapy or taking up new positive habits. Jumping into a new relationship shows exactly how messed up you (and anyone willing to date you) are. Sound good? Of course not.
Seriously, if you have just spit with your husband, do the right thing and wait until your marriage is final (or longer) before you go looking for your next sweetie. And if a guy you’ve met is in a similar situation and he starts pursuing you, run for the hills and do not look back. If you pursue it, there are two wounded people in a relationship and that is good for no one. Your next relationship deserves to start on fresh ground if you want to move forward in the best way possible. And besides, having morals and sticking to them matter. In my opinion, this is one of them.
Unfortunately no one gives you a manual on what to do after a long term marriage ends.
I think some men, not all, have a need to feel wanted, and they equate that need with sex. Most, not all women, need an emotional connection before even thinking of sex. Before that can happen, most women need to heal before even thinking of getting emotionally involved with someone else
It took a year before I could even file for divorce. My ex decided to date during that time. At the time it hurt, but it took that to make me realize that I needed to work on me and my feelings. I needed to stop caring what he was doing and start on healing myself. It was when I started to let go of that hurt that I was truly able to heal. A year after separation and at the time of actually filing, I was in a new place. I had let go and was open to the possibilities.
Dating after a certain age is hard enough, because every guy you meet has a past. Every guy that you date is someone’s ex. For me it was hard enough to date and eventually marry a wonderful guy who had been actually legally divorced for a couple of years. His ex was still extremely bitter towards him, but that was her unresolved issue. I couldn’t even imagine how hard it would have had I started dating him while during the separation.
My ex husband is a psychopath and this is exactly what he did to his family. His parents are disgusted he even abandoned the dog. We are going bankrupt. Good riddance
My wife started seeing someone just a few months into the separation. She is going on trips with this guy, and he is staying with her a few days a week while my kid is sometimes there. It is appalling. Our child now has to witness what their mother is doing and I can tell it is affecting how they see her. I fear it may cause long term emotional damage. Anyone who does something like this (dates while still legally married) shows poor parenting and have no regard for their children. The right and moral thing to do is wait until a relationship ends and is over before moving on to another.
I partially disagree with this opinion. My ex had been cheating for a year before he left. He’s been gone over 2 years. There has never ever, not once, been talk of reconciliation. In fact he stopped communicating with the children almost a year ago (which was the last time any of us saw him in the flesh) and we have not spoken on the phone or texted in 2 years. He has moved on. However…..the divorce still isn’t final. He’s digging his heels in and it’s all about money. I do not feel married in anyway shape or form. This could go on for who knows how long if he keeps changing attorneys. Am I supposed to sit here alone while the courts move at a snail’s pace? I don’t think so. Everyone’s situation is different. In a situation where there has never ever been an ounce’s talk of reconciliation for more than 2 years I think it’s safe to date on both sides. I’m completely over him and he was over me before we ever separated so, all we are waiting for is someone to give in on the money situation. It’s absurd to think I should sit here single while he lives with his gf.
I completely agree with you. When you’ve been separated for a long time, you’ve both agreed the marriage is over, the courts are taking years to finalize the divorce, and the kids have moved on mentally and emotionally, you are just waiting for a piece of paper for it to be official, so I think it is fine to start dating again.
Agreed although I have no desire right now to date again at this time. I’m concentrating on my kids and my new job. He makes me sick
We split in late 2013 due to his infidelity. In our state you have to split for a year when you divorce based on no fault before the divorce can be finalized. Because I could not afford a private detective and because the evidence I had was not enough, I had no options but to go no fault. It took almost 2 years and him being with his mistress and then others when she chose to go back to her husband, so he says. In our state dating while split is considered adultery. I could have hung him. I decided it best after all the lies and hurt he caused to just let it go and move on. I got the best of him in all of it, I got the wonderful memories of who he was. His mistress got the lying, cheating scum of a man. Good luck to both of them. She still works with him, she is still married and they both lied to the company. Karma is only a matter of time. I know I can lay my head on my pillow at night knowing not one time did I “date” or anything else. I just went out on a date recently and it scared the hell out of me. I know he is still in my heart and I am just hoping time heals. I thank goodness we had no children together and all our kids are grown. I don’t have to communicate with him at all and frankly my life is better without him. I know that now.
You and me both mine was such trash that he allowed my 9 year old son at the time to tell me he was having sex with her in our Family home while I worked overnight. Imsick
This is excellent advice. Thank you for writing it!
My marriage was over long ago. Where I live infedelity isn’t a grounds for divorce so if he did or didn’t isnt going to help me in anyway. As of now we’ve been separated 8 months and I could care less if he finds someone or had someone on the side. My life is wonderful without him and the sooner he moves on the better I don’t wabt him begging or contacting me. Good riddance.
These people that commit Adultery are pathetic, immature losers that have no relationship life skills. Talk about selfish but my lawyer said everyone one of them gets hit by the Karma train
Part of the reason she left is because she was dating someone else. That said, if you’re being dumped by some immoral sociopath who decided the marriage is over, it wouldn’t be cheating if you see someone else. It’s over. All that is left is the bureaucratic b.s. and financial black hole of divorce, or financial pay-day of divorce depending on your side.
My husband left me 4 months ago tomorrow, he moved right in with another woman (that same day), then when she broke up with him the next day started dating another woman. He’s engaged to her now (they’ve been together 2 months and she has a daughter). We haven’t even filed the divorce papers yet. I know he cheated on me with this woman, and on his first wife with her too, it makes me wonder how stupid and crazy she is. She knew he was married to his first wife when she was with him, and she knew he was engaged to me (I didn’t find out until after we were married about the cheating) when she slept with him again, so she has to realize that he’ll do the same to her. He’s cheated on every woman he’s ever been with (by his own admission), and even told me he didn’t know how many times he cheated on me. In all honesty…. it’s a totally messed up situation filled with pain for me, and in all honesty unless she doesn’t mind him cheating, in the future for her and her daughter.