Recently, a reader contacted me about his own divorce and the unique challenges men often experience during a split. I asked him to write a guest post and here it is. I learned a lot and think you will, too. Enjoy!
Dear Lizzy,
Thank you for sharing your story and making me think. There are too few resources, blogs, and help for men going through a divorce for men or by men. Too many males (and some females) suggested that as a man, I must be coping with my split by drinking a lot of alcohol and having lots of casual sex. This seems to be a common myth on how men respond to a divorce, and what is seen as a healthy and traditional response.
This approach was not what I wanted or was comfortable with. Instead, I focused on myself and children, cared for us, educated myself as to the effects of divorce and how to address them, and consulted with good friends and family. While less exciting, it was both the right thing to do and looking back I am glad I followed this path. I have learned by reading professional material, internet sources, consulting with friends who are professionals, and observing others.
Without my friends and their expertise, I would not have fared so well. Therefore the reason I am writing this is to inform other men, and friends and family of other men, with the hope that the information is helpful. When it comes to relationships that end men and women are much more similar than many believe. There are however some distinct differences. Finally, while every situation is different, much of the scenarios and situations have been repeated a million times over.
Regardless of gender, we all suffer through some variation of the seven stages of grief after a split. When we are married to an addict or alcoholic, we are dealing with a person whose development in many ways is stunted from the point of addiction. The reason I wrote this is so that many may realize that while there are not many resources for men, often resources for women apply in a similar if not exact same manner. That is how I found myself reading Lizzy’s blog. There are however some distinct differences that men can do and should expect.
BOOTED TO THE CURB
While divorce may be the fault of both parties, women usually initiate divorce. Men are often angry and feel blindsided by it. It is important to focus on is the physical and mental health of these men and their children. They need to focus on the little things: sleep, healthy eating, moderate use of alcohol or medications, showing up (for kids, family, friends, obligations, work, etc.). Navel gazing and self-absorption is natural but dangerous if overdone. Men often experience depression and are more likely to commit suicide than women. Hence this needs to be monitored by those that care about them.
While I do not necessarily suggest this approach, a friend of mine was concerned about the stress I was under. He and his wife invited me to dinner and eventually, they brought out a very expensive bottle of Anejo Tequila which we polished off and followed with another. Yes, I had too much to drink and slept at their house. Their concern was that I would do this alone. The next day they advised I had this out of the way and now I need not do it again or without them. Point taken. While I did not see myself sliding into alcohol as some do, it was a needed release, with good friends in a safe environment where only products of Mexico were injured.
“MAN UP”
During a split, men need to act like the adults they are. If this is you, remember that you have responsibilities to yourself and your children. Too often, men leave the relationship and their children behind. Even perfect fathers who love and dote on their children during the marriage just walk away. This is completely beyond my understanding. Why did you have children? Do you feel alienated or not part of their lives? Do you want to find a younger or newer woman and hit the “reset button”?
Regardless, you need to stay involved in your children’s lives out of love, and if not, at least out of responsibility. Man up! It’s not about you, or your ex, it’s about the children. Total lack of involvement can cause all sorts of problems for them– abandonment issues, lack of a role model, depression and more. Realize that many studies show that boys are usually affected and act out right away, while girls are more likely to have a delayed negative affect from divorce and it will often play out later in their late teens, 20s and 30’s. You also need to act in the children’s best interest regardless of what they or your ex says or does.
Usually, kids will figure out what happened and will come around if you act in a loving, caring, stable, and responsible manner. While both genders engage in saying negative things about the other ex, women tend to do this more than men. Regardless of what is said or done your response, if anything, should solely or primarily consider the wellbeing of the child. Further, many things are not appropriate to discuss with children. Simply tell them that you are for them. Provide stability and reliability in a chaotic world and in a chaotic time.
For example, when my ex tried a pre-emptive strike by discussing with my children “that daddy thinks I have a boyfriend” I did not respond that she had been banging everything on two legs for the last 20 years, including one of our groomsmen, showing them pictures and internet documents. My response was that the marriage was over, that the reasons were between their mother and myself, and that all they needed to know is that we loved them and that I was there for them.
There is NO purpose in really responding to your ex’s message to the child as you cannot change your ex, but you can confuse or hurt your child, and later the kids usually figure things out anyway. While your ex may do things to harm your relationship with your children, you must fight for your children and yourself. Fight for custody or visitation. Sometimes children need more time with one parent or the other based on age, gender, or the individual. You need to fight for this and educate others including your lawyer and the court as to why this is important for the child.
YOU CANNOT FIX CRAZY OR ADDICTED
Every divorced female thinks their ex was a narcissist and divorced males think their ex was crazy. Regardless if your ex or spouse is addicted, then you can’t fix them, they need professional help, it is their fault and responsibility, and you need to focus on the safety and wellbeing of yourself and your children. If they have mental health issues it is very similar but they may be maintained by medication and treatment. Also, keep in mind that addicts often had mental health issues before they became addicted or as a result of being addicted. For example, sober alcoholics who have abstained for years often have behavior issues of alcoholics or recovering alcoholics. When a partner is addicted it does not matter if you are male or female. Keep in mind that intelligent and loving family, friends, and clergymen may be enough to assist you, but Al-Anon or professional help may be required.
ARGUING AND COMMUNICATING WITH ADDICTED, CRAZY, HIGH CONFLICT EX OR THE WIND
Sometimes it does not matter what the subject is, what is said or how it is said……it just ends up as an argument. Worse yet it is used against you. The focus needs to be on your and your children’s best interest. Remember that at this point, the relationship is over and now it’s just business. This sometimes seems to be harder for many males. Even if there is an emotional issue about the children (like changing the child’s first and last name, their religion, denying access, parental alienation, etc) try to let the courts handle it.
Be aware of your rights, what you and your children want and need, and act in a manner that you can tell your relatives, parents, colleagues, clergymen, and a judge comfortably and with no embarrassment. If the person is crazy, addicted or it is a high conflict split you can count on them lying or trying to manipulate. Therefore anything important should be communicated by email, stored and printed for future use or required. Limit verbal and text exchanges to non-important issues. When you do this there is a paper trail or proof that cannot be ignored. Also, wait to respond if you angry or have another of sound mind read it. How often do we see text-a-mania when people are emotional or drunk. Discussing communication with your lawyer and a professional may also help you obtain the best outcomes legally and not legally.
WHO ARE MEN AND WHAT VALUE DO THEY HAVE?
Men are often socialized to value themselves largely based on their work, position and economic benefits they can bring to their family. Therefore during a split there can be two negative outcomes that are common: 1) Coming to the realization that he is more than his work and the people they love are much more important. When this occurs, he may crumble or act in self-destructive ways. 2) He throws himself into his work and abandons most everything else, thus living a false reality or eventually common to the realization with a predictable meltdown of some sort.
Men need to self-evaluate and determine what is important and continue to do so until they have reached a level point. This will probably involve discussing matters with friends and family. Female family members, friends and friends wives may offer an important perspective. Don’t ask people at work or discuss this at work unless they need to know something. Further a counselor or medical professional may be helpful.
While I was highly skeptical and not trusting of a counselor, I went to one at the suggestion of my friends who were in the field. I think a counselor can be useful if you find the right one. I was lucky that I had a dream team supporting me, but the counselor still offered an unbiased perspective. Largely it was a lot of “what do you think of this,” “am I crazy or …. ” and confirmation. There were a couple “A-HA” moments and those were worth the price alone.
Some men do not want to communicate with people they know and this is helpful to them. EAP, medical plans, local religious groups and charities often have people that can be approached if finances are an issue. Educate yourself on the type of counselor you think is best for you in your area.
There are so many other things to discuss and point out. I hope this drop in the bucket is useful to someone.
Curtis
I, Lizzy, am publishing this comment from a reader who inadvertently posted this comment to the wrong article. I am putting it where he intended, though I don’t know his name. Let’s call him Charles.
Thanks for the great perspective. I too found there was very little resources for divorced men and decided to read womens divorce blogs and found the same thing, that the post for women were just as good for men. Some differences as you point out, but very relatable.
I understand the suicidal thing, about a week after I felt so low and depressed that it had seriously crossed my mind. I had already made an appointment with a counceller prior to these thoughts and it was an acute moment of anger that actually snapped me out of it.
I took the same path you did. Focused on myself, saw a councellor, hung out and talked with close friends and started going back to the gym, all while making sure I saw my children frequently. I cannot even imagine how any parent man or woman could abandoned their children. I think this comes from a father who was rarely around (not entirely his fault, my mom moved me 12 hours away), and I know the impact that an absent father has on a child.
I do wish there were better resources for men who are going through this and it would be great if people realised that it’s not all peaches and daisies for men. It’s been a tough go for me.
I am strongly considering opening a mens centre where I live. A place to help men through addiction, divorce, and even abuse (it’s not just women that can be abused). We’ll see though, it feels like a big thing, and I’m not sure I’m quite big enough to do it yet.
Anyway, well written and I’m happy to to have read it.
Thank you for the comment. I am sending it along to Curtis to ensure he reads it. All the best and thanks for sharing.
Lizzy
I applaud Curtis. There are two sides to the story in divorce and both sides always think they are right. The only thing I did not agree with in this article is that a majority of women do not initiate divorce. My ex-husband started our divorce process even after months of pleading with him not to and how strongly he knew I felt against divorce. Children are always the victims. My kids are better now. They were completely devastated by the divorce. I think it is great that Curtis wants to have a healthy relationship with his children. So many times the man ends up being a part-time dad and I know that can be hard when you were seeing them daily. I think that if more men step up and speak up about their true feelings of hurt,anger, and depression after divorce others will follow.
Let’s go to the woman’s point of view. First of all my ex lied to everyone in our neighborhood. Had CPS go to my children school. Said I abused my children (flat out lie). Trying to win custody Well he lost. He lived 3 minutes away from me, and never took his weekend. I would beg him. My children were so close in age I needed a break. They would visit him, and he would leave them places. my daugter got left at school at 8:30 at night by herself. She called me crying her little eyes’s out I had to go get her on his weekend. He was dating like crazy before the divorce, and after. He is addicted to porn (20 yrs) and teenage porn, all he cared about was himself still does. He had a problem with masterbation. He had affairs on me. He sleeps around with women. He came to my house where I live came though my garage (I was remarried by this time). He turned up my crock pot burned my dinner stoled my can opener. How I new it was him because our child went to his house, and brought Back the can opener. My ex was put to the curb side in the divorce.
He is a master manipulate. He lies constantly always trys to get me in trouble. Lies to my children all the time, lied about my new husband to destoy our children relationship with him. He told my family horrible lies about me and my husband. He spoke to my step daughter and told her lies about me to ruin that relationship. He thinks he owns me. He told me in my marriage to him that “he could do whatever he wanted”. I can’t have a relationship with him because he try’s to use everything against me and calls the police on me constantly. I moved 45 minutes away from him because my children begged me so they could have a new start. He never takes his weekend he blames me for moving. He is now using that against me.
My daughter’s spent some time with him recently, and told me there was a naked picture of a women on his phone. She was looking at picture of their recent trip they took. He told my other daughter that he couldn’t wait till she graduated high school so he doesn’t have to pay child support anymore. He refused to pay child support the first two years of our divorce. He said I owed him money, used every excuse not to pay. So I called ORS. He Told my kids I called the police on him because he did not drop off curbside. It is in our divorce decree. This man is getting married I feel so sorry for his new wife. But I did warn her.
I can never have a normal relationship with this man, could you?? He is mentally Ill.
Mary
That sounds quite horrible and you are much better off without him. No one deserves that. It almost sounds like you are apologetic for his outrageous behaviour, for example when you explain you can’t/don’t have a relationship, moving, etc. Don’t!
I am just Joe Q Public and have no expertise other than my own experience, self education, as well as observing and assisting others. That said I have some thoughts.
Isn’t looking at teenage porn or breaking into someone else’s house illegal where you live? This, calling the police on you, abusive, controlling and manipulative behaviour would cause me only to communicate by legal counsel or email. That way you have a record and nothing can be misinterpreted or made up. You will know this is more expensive but followed by many, including, Lizzy per her blog, and has made wonderful increases in quality of life. I would also limit or stop contact with others in his life and him with people in your life (like your stepdaughter). No offense but what good can come from speaking with his future wife and you just feed his “drama-me-me’ need.
I do not know what you finances or resources are but you may consider input from someone in the psychological/psychiatric and legal fields to assist you in how to deal with the EX and your children to ensure the best emotional, psychological and legal outcome for you and your children. Also it sounds like you and your children have gone through a lot. I hope you have someone to speak with and so do your children.
It really sounds like you could use some help in addressing these issues from both a lawyer and a professional in the pysciatric and psychological fields. I hope that helps.
As for my article, it was not to give the male side of the story, but rather how males are effected in similar and different ways.
Mary,
Having (barely) survived a horrid marriage and an even more horrid divorce, I can sympathize. What breaks my heart most is how it impacts the innocent– the children. Even when I was sick and undergoing chemo, I still felt like “I’m an adult, I’m fare game, bring it on.” But when it affected the children, it drove me to the brink of insanity. And it still breaks my heart how the aftermath will impact them the rest of their lives. All we can do is try to stay out of the insanity, rise above it in front of the children, and try to yoga and massage to keep our wits about us. It isn’t easy. In fact, it is harder than I ever imagined.
If only someone had truly told me how awful it is to chose the wrong partner. I always thought “if things don’t work out, people divorce.” Not that I thought I would be the one divorcing– divorce was for “other people.” But it wasn’t until I was looking divorce in the face and truly realizing how a divorce impacts not just the couple, but their children (forever), extended family, friends, coworkers– that I got a real flavor of what divorce really means.
As for the woman who is dating your ex, I can only speak for me. I believe in warning other women. And I also believe in being there should that woman need help and support in the future. My ex husband’s ex wife tried to warn me. I ignored her. She was there for me when I split from my husband. I will be forever grateful to her. Life lessoned learned. I have learned the hard way that the ex is not our enemy. I even wrote a blog post about it.
Thanks for your comment.
Lizzy
Darcell,
I once asked a male friend why he thought my ex had vanished from the children’s lives. He said, “He’s probably embarassed and doesn’t know what to say or do.” I certainly hope that is the reason and maybe you’re right– maybe if more men had more support from their friends, weren’t afraid to ask for professional help (and get it), and had more empathy from society in general, they would be better fathers and, well, better men post divorce. Great point. Thanks for the share.
Lizzy
Just wanted to say hi. I’m Charles and I wanted to thank you for moving my post, had too many tabs open. My real name is Wes.
I just wanted to mention that I have found some interesting Men’s perspective blogs. The Off Parent is a good one and so is Single Dad Laughing. The Good Men project is pretty decent for resources as well.
There is still nothing as awesome and as comprehinsive as Divorced Moms though and regardless of gender target I have found many of the blogs from the women on here inciteful and very helpful.
Thanks to women like you Liz and men like Curtis for sharing their experiences to help people in need.
Wes
Thank you Wes. I was reticent about posting or having Lizzy post anything from me. But I thought if I could add something to help others I would bite the blog-bullet.
Darcell
First thank you for the compliment and really I am involved and have my children 1/2 of the time because I love them and because am a responsible person. Too many times the father is not involved and this is a sad commentary on our society.
I am new to this site and I am having some trouble pasting. That said, in the western world women tend to file 2/3 of the time. The CDC and US Census Bureau suggest 80% of the time for the US. The percentage has gone up from 60% in the 1900s to today’s rate. There is an interested article at www.unc.edu titled “These Boots are Made for Walking”:Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women by Margaret Brinig, U of Iowa and Douglas Allen of Simon Fraser University on this phenomenon. While I am sorry for your divorce, as I too did not get married to divorce, you are in a minority.
Gentlemen,
I’m impressed by your thoughtful piece and comments, and would encourage all adults to consider finding more compassion for their partners and ex-partners, and even abusers. Their real lack of communication, collaboration, cooperation and co-parenting (even in married couples before divorce) is horrible for our children, both in example and real-time behavior.
While in cases of abuse, much abuse stems from immaturity, the unhealed “wounded child” inside, and a lack of tools to deal with others and we cannot fix them; we can find compassion even while learning those tools for ourselves and moving on in our own life. Even years of loving encouragement will not work with a partner who needs professional help.
Especially in high-conflict cases finding such tools is extremely difficult, as resources and knowledgeable counselors (both legal and therapeutic) are hard to find.
I think it’s Bill Eddy who defines high conflict personalities as including 5 different personality disorders. Unfortunately, his information is about how to avoid them, not handle one in your life “every day for as long as you both shall live.” I don’t know which one my ex- is, and I don’t care – but I do want to learn how to deal with him better, as 200km is still not far enough to stop controlling and damaging behaviors. At least it’s no longer physical. But his skills as a manipulator never cease to amaze me… he is a PhD robotics engineer and his learning curve is tremendous! While he can’t use his hands, he uses his lawyer to “beat me”…and the courts are blind to such tactics.
I also like SDL (single Dad laughing), and have pried into the minds of men I know trying to understand my ex-. I keep trying, for our child. Besides that, I try to find something every day to just “be in the moment” and enjoy. Whether it’s our child playing guitar, a tree blooming or a funny position our dog chooses to sleep in…
and I keep forcing myself to find something, anything, to laugh at… it is the best medicine for you, and THE KIDS!
Thanks for this piece,
Li
(American expat)