Not long ago, I opened an account on an online dating site. Over a four week period, I communicated with several men and actually met up with maybe ten of them. One was “Andy.” We went out once for dinner at a chain restaurant, which lasted about 90 minutes (no kiss at the end, not even on the cheek). It was a nice meet-up and I liked him, as a friend. Turns out, Andy has a chronic illness (not cancer); I have a chronic illness (multiple myeloma). Our health struggles and fight to stay well is one thing we have in common. We mostly talked about his diagnosis, treatments, and symptoms. He was flying out to another state a few days later for an experimental procedure and I was fascinated by it. We also talked plenty about my health, too.
We mostly talked about his diagnosis, treatments, and symptoms. He was flying out to another state a few days later for an experimental procedure and I was fascinated by it. We also talked plenty about my health, too. Afterward, I gave him a hug and drove away and cried. Health struggles suck. When I got home, I texted him: You’re a rock star. Be well and keep me posted.
In all honesty, I knew that even if Andy and I were a match made in heaven, we could never date seriously. Two people with health struggles would be a disaster. If it happens once you’re already committed, that’s one thing; purposely “going there” is entirely another. Life is already so complicated, at least for me (and him).
Six days after our one and only date, I texted Andy with well-wishes for his upcoming trip and procedure. I also said that while we couldn’t date, I hoped we would remain friends and fellow supporters. Andy’s response to that text shocked me. He was hurt, angry and devastated. Like crying devastated. What?!? He had grand plans for our future together and he wasn’t happy about it. Here we are three days later and I am still scratching my head over this. I am literally stunned and very sad. Nonetheless, Andy followed up with a guest article about dating from a guy’s perspective. While I disagree with a whole heck of a lot of his thought process (actually pretty much all of it), I still think it’s an interesting read and I hope you will, too.
Lessons Learned From Online Dating (From A Guy’s Perspective)
1) Good looking or nice looking women want physical attraction first and foremost, second and foremost, and third and foremost. They also want the bad boy, they say they’re sick of and don’t want [these types of men] anymore, but they do. Warning to men: Don’t go skiing the black tips, unless you’re prepared for rejection city. A good self-assessment is needed!
FIRST DATE
2) No matter how well the date is going, end before you want it to (they want/need the mystery/bad boy). I now say 90 minutes max, preferably shorter. Three to four-hour dates with no physical contact (see#4) is a friendship or counselor only, NOT a relationship!
3) If a woman pats you on the back during a hug after a first date, they are not interested in you, other than for a friendship.
4) No matter how well you think the first date is going or went, unless SHE reaches out and physically touches and contacts you, or you end the date with a nice kiss on the lips, she is not interested in you other than for a friendship. Be careful with this– if you touch her, it doesn’t really count. It may make you feel she is interested if she doesn’t visibly or verbally reject you, but it is clearly not the same.
5) Post first date texting – simply be polite AFTER she responds to you, no matter what, don’t send her a nice text first (again, she really wants the bad boy, not the nice one). If you’re a truly nice guy, this is hard, but don’t go there. It leads to harder rejection recovery time.
6) Any abrupt ending of returning texts or phone calls anytime while dating means she is with another man no matter what she tells you (which is just an excuse). She is talking, texting, dating another man or two or ??
7) Texting is not real dating development.
8) LASTLY, if it’s not clear, any woman you think is over your head, is, move on. WOMEN WANT THE BAD BOY.
9) Now for a personal tough one, DISABILITY – if you have a physical disability, most if not all women are really nice to you, dates are long, lots of conversation, lots of post-date communication, maybe up to two to three dates or more. Again, if she doesn’t physically contact/touch or kiss you nicely AFTER they see your disability, she is not interested, you’re fucked, life is tough, move on.
Sorry man, I really don’t think you were made to feel rejected because of any disability (although she says that it may be) and clearly there is no need to expect intimacy on a first date. I agree with you about texts, they are neither here not there, less is more on the whole. I don’t think women want the bad boy, and I don’t think it’s just about physical attraction either. Women really need to hear what you say and what you think. I believe that you have to open your brain for them to take a peek inside. Rejection happens at every level so that’s par for the course. Keep doing the black tips, one will finally be right.
Alan, Thank you for the comment! I know that I don’t want the bad boy. In fact, the only “bad boy” I dated was my ex husband. And he was the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful, and soft spoken guy on the planet, until several months after the marriage and the true monster emerged. While some might want that kind of guy, I do not. and I think most women (at least the ones I know) want to be treated well. Rejection does suck, I’ve been on the other side many times. But lesson learned here: Don’t get emotionally involved on the first (or second) date. And black tips are exhilerating. Falls can be treacherous but the views and heart pounding thrill is worth it.
The problem with the social media/dating website/texting is that if gives a false sense of actually knowing and having a connection with someone. Given the time that the contact to first date dance takes, there’s lots of room to fill in the gaps with what you want the story to be. You’ve had the Nicholas Sparks “up all night talk” and feel like you really know this person before the breadsticks arrive at the Olive Garden. But you don’t really know this person. That only comes with time. You might know who they want to be. I always wanted to pretend to be an architect. But I’m not. Maybe I could be an architect or they could become that person, but only time will tell.
Toss in the fact that you both have a bunch of “baggage” and some non-negotiables that you’ve acquired along the way. It’s difficult. Hard to sign up for difficult quickly. That doesn’t mean that you can’t or nobody will, but it is just unrealistic to expect it. I have a buddy that married a wonderful woman with some severe baggage and even more sever health issues, with no expectation that they will do anything but get worse. They are an awsome couple and even make a sceptic like me think that marriage not be a completely broken institution. It’s totally possible, just don’t expect it to happen fast or with every person that you find physically attractive enough to poke on a dating site.
XdeRubicon, Agreed! And the guest poster, the guy I dated, found my blog here on Divorced Moms and did acknowledge that he felt he knew me far better than he actually did. Those sites to provide quick info of someone that we wouldn’t really know at first meet-up and one may feel a connection beyond what exists. Add to that it’s easy to see if your new interest is still actively pursuing others online. It’s an odd thing and navigating the online dating world can have lots of dips!
Wow, I never thought about potential dates reading your blog. Probably as good a reason as any for me not to start one.
The thing about Blogs is while some are truly just an online journal, most are fairly well thought out stories that are focused on viewpoint or topic. I wouldn’t assume that I knew you by reading it, that it was timely, or even that you were 100% behind a particular view expressed in a post. Many hope that their writing will get picked up by a national service or paper (and maybe get paid or at least advance their career).
One of the bloggers that I read regularly says things that send me into overdrive. She get 100’s of very passionate responses. How about that. !00’s of responses… She’s being provocative for a reason. On one level, simply to generate ad revenue and on the other hand, there can be healthy growth and maybe new understanding in all of the turmoil. If you read enough of them and then take a look at her bio and do the math, you can clearly see that she was divorced 30 years ago! In one post, her kid went to live with Dad (and we got to hear how difficult it is for non-custodial moms) and in another, Dad had zero interest in the kid(fathers don’t love their kids, they only interested in avoiding child support payments). There’s something to be learned in each post, but to think that we know this lady’s real story is pure fantasy.
Wow, I never thought about potential dates reading your blog. Probably as good a reason as any for me not to start one.
The thing about Blogs is while some are truly just an online journal, most are fairly well thought out stories that are focused on viewpoint or topic. I wouldn’t assume that I knew you by reading it, that it was timely, or even that you were 100% behind a particular view expressed in a post. Many hope that their writing will get picked up by a national service or paper (and maybe get paid or at least advance their career).
One of the bloggers that I read regularly says things that send me into overdrive. She get 100’s of very passionate responses. How about that. !00’s of responses… She’s being provocative for a reason. On one level, simply to generate ad revenue and on the other hand, there can be healthy growth and maybe new understanding in all of the turmoil. If you read enough of them and then take a look at her bio and do the math, you can clearly see that she was divorced 30 years ago! In one post, her kid went to live with Dad (and we got to hear how difficult it is for non-custodial moms) and in another, Dad had zero interest in the kid(fathers don’t love their kids, they only interested in avoiding child support payments). There’s something to be learned in each post, but to think that we know this lady’s real story is pure fantasy.
Middle school is such a hard time. It’s a wonder that any of us make it through that phase of our lives.
As our oldest daughter got older, it became clear that she wanted to spend most of her time at her dad’s. She’s a hard core daddy’s girl and he lives across the street from her best friend. It’s a powerful combination. I’m fortunate that her dad and I are friends and coparents and we live close to each other so I was secure enough to support her. She’s thriving. Our relationship is as well. It’s a bit more like what I expected to have when she was in college, but we’re good.
I think that the important thing that you did was show your daughter that it was OK to live with her dad. Too often, I hear parents say “my child wants to live with me” and I question if they’ve actually given the child the space to safely express their need for the other parent.