Internet Dating Stories From the Trenches

 

My friend, Lia, recently re-entered the dating world. Her stories are so entertaining that I asked if I could share a few. She said yes and here goes. Thanks, Lia!

After I broke up with my boyfriend, I purchased a membership on Match. Here are my favorite stories so far.

Pious Man (with sex on the brain):

I live in Utah and many of the guys here are Mormon. In the Mormon church, each congregation has a separate “leadership panel”, which they call the Bishopric. It consists of one Bishop and two Counselors. These men are supposed to be spiritual and live a very strict moral life. With that little preamble, here’s the story of PM.

PM is one of the Bishopric Counselors in his ward. We met for lunch. He was nice enough but a bit cuddly for a first date. Like he caressed my knee and even put his chin on my shoulder. And then he said this: …So, if we had never met and I paid for a night in a really nice hotel and told you to pick up the key at the front desk, go into the room, and change into a beautiful bra-panty set that I had purchased for you, and then turn off the lights and wait for me, would you have done it?

OMG.

No! I said. I don’t even know you. Who is to say we’d have chemistry? Or that you wouldn’t slit my throat?

He clarified. “Oh no, we wouldn’t have sex. I can’t do that. But we’d just be really naughty and do everything else. And we’re attracted to each other, I already knew that.”

Um, except I’m not that attracted to you, I wanted to say. For a guy who didn’t have sex outside of marriage, I think he really needed to get laid. We never spoke again. I suppose my unwillingness to meet a guy I didn’t know at all in a hotel room to do “everything” but have intercourse didn’t sit well with him. Thank goodness. At least he went away, unlike the next guy….

Please Go Away (PGA) Man

PGA lives in Las Vegas and from the get-go, I told him that I didn’t do long distance relationships- ever. Except he just kept emailing me again and again. I mostly blew him off but one day he said he was in my neighborhood and did I want to do lunch? So I went. He was nice enough, he looked older than his stated age, but it was just lunch. I reminded him about not doing long distance relationships, wished him a safe trip home, and that was it.

Except he started calling me every single night, no lie. I never once answered. I texted him one morning, “I hope you’re well and best of luck in the dating world.” But he kept it up: at least one phone call and one text every day. I stopped responding. It’s been three months and at least once a week, I still get a text. It’s usually something like, “Hi Lia, remember me? LOL. I’d love to see you soon!” Can this guy just go away? I could text him (again) that I’m not interested but I don’t feel like it and I’ve already said it countless times. (Dating Tip: If someone never answers your calls or texts, he/she doesn’t want to talk to you. Gain some dignity and go away quietly. Being a pest never pays off.)

Arrogant Man

I went out with Arrogant Man probably 15 times. Each date, I saw a few more warning flags. Not only did his ex wife hate him, so did his mom, his step mom, all of his children, his boss, the president of the company he worked for, his ex girlfriend, and one of his brothers. It could all be one big coincidence or maybe they were all onto something. After about date 15, I went out of town for a week and I didn’t hear from him the entire time. That was odd but, seriously, I didn’t care.

Several weeks later, I get a text from AM. “What happened to us? We had some really great dates and then nothing!” I simply responded: “I should ask you.” It took a few hours before he sent a text back: “I’m sorry I hurt you.” WTF?!? It took me a bit to decide how (or if) I wanted to respond. I couldn’t resist. “Um, so in order for you to hurt me, I needed to care. And I didn’t care. Best of luck though.”

He texted and texted. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I disappeared. Please let me make it up to you.” I didn’t respond. A few nights later, he called. I never would have answered except it was so late and I was half asleep and it was an accident. He begged and pleaded fo another chance. I said: “Seriously, I would never date you again. Your behavior is bizarre. I don’t hate you but you really need help.” 

He deleted and blocked me from his Facebook page. I thought it was comical (and juvenile). Except a month later, he friended me again. And then he proceeded to private message me all kinds of “You look great” and “I miss you” messages. I’ve ignored them all. I wish he’d spend his time seeing a therapist instead of contacting me.

Needy Man

I dated Needy Man (NM) five times over a two month period. He is a very nice guy but…

He physically intimidates me. I’m five feet five inches tall and weigh 105 pounds. NM is six feet three inches tall and easily weighs 250 pounds, maybe a whole lot more. Apparently we sort of knew each other in college. I don’t remember him but he went out with my close friend, Amy. He gave me intimate about how naughty he and Amy had been in bed. It was sort of funny and, well, kind of weird and inappropriate. Hello, that was 25 years ago, and we are maybe going out on a date and this is a good friend of mine, gross. I kept trying to change the subject but he couldn’t let it go.

We eventually met up for our first date. We had a nice dinner and after afterwards we went to get frozen yogurt. While there, NM became very gropy and huggy and I kept backing off. When I said good night, I gave him a chaste kiss and left. 

A few minutes later, he texted me that I had blown him off and he was so disappointed. I should have given him a bigger kiss and I was stand-offish. It came across kind of whiny but he was so nice I ignored my initial impression and apologized and assured him that I liked him.

On our second date, NM was even more gropy and touch-feely. I went to his house for a few minutes and he was ready to get busy. It was a major turnoff. I wanted to scream, “Relax, buddy!” It felt kind of desperate and pathetic. The more he tried to force it, the more I wanted to run. So I did. I said a quick goodnight and almost ran to my car.

Our third date was a quick meet-up at Starbucks on his way to the airport. When he walked me out to my car, we kissed and after he left, he texted me: “I had to leave quickly because I was so aroused. Could you tell?” Huh? Did you really need to make sure I knew you had an erection? And I was supposed to find this, what, sexy?

Over the next few weeks, we texted and talked but each interaction quickly went to how horny he was for me and was I sure that I really liked him? It was just too much and I started looking for my graceful exit. I finally told him that while I really liked him, we were both too busy with work commitments and summer vacation plans to try and make a go of it. I suggested that we stay friends, maybe meet up for the occasional quick lunch if we found the time, and maybe try the dating thing after the summer was over. He was annoyed and texted back a bunch of emoticons of unhappy faces. I haven’t heard back from him since. Which is perfectly fine.

Geez, after reading what I wrote, I think I sound harsh. But finding a good match is that mix of timing, chemistry, luck, geography and a bunch of other intangible things. I just haven’t found that perfect guy yet and I’m not desperate. I’m not in a rush. And I’m approaching this whole dating thing with a lot of humor and patience. Sooner or later I will find someone special. Until I do, I’ll hopefully entertain a few others with my stories.