Here’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough. The perils of dating a guy who has just exited a marriage. Not divorced yet. Recently separated. Should you proceed?
The answer is a huge big enormous NO.
When I met my ex-husband, Rob, he had recently separated from his wife. In my defense, he lied to me about their official separation date. They had filed for divorce several months prior but continued living in the same home until just weeks before we met. Had I known this, I would have run for the hills.
The problem with dating a recently separated guy are numerous. First, he is still married. If you believe that it’s ok to date a married guy, then you can stop reading right here. Because if you’re morally and ethically ok with that, then you date really horrible men and you deserve the men you date. Enough said. And when your guy cheats on you and makes your life hell, you deserve it.
<p”>But for everyone else, seriously, it is imperative that we respect the institution of marriage. Marriage is a huge commitment. Most of us hope that our marriages will last forever. Knowing that it’s ending is sad and traumatic – as it should be. Marriages should never end easily. As such, you need to allow their marriage to end before you hop in. Why? Because it’s simply the right thing to do.
Simply put, dating married men is completely wrong. And try to justify it all you want, a recently separated guy is still married. Very married. Almost the worst kind of married– the one in the middle of a HUGE relationship crisis. Their marriage hasn’t ended yet and you have no right whatsoever to insert yourself into the middle of their relationship even if he is inviting you to do so. Let the two of them muddle through the end of their relationship without your input, distraction, or presence. She (and he) deserve that.
He may be telling you that their marriage has been dead for years, that she is evil and psychotic and crazy, that he was ready to move on for years, that they never had sex anymore, blah blah blah. You have no idea the truth, you have no idea of their marriage dynamics, and you shouldn’t be in the midst of it. If you find out your guy is in this situation, tell him to call you back when his marriage is OVER. I will give you one exception here: If he has separated from his wife eons ago, the divorce is moving along at a decent pace, and the divorce just isn’t done… well, then that’s a different picture.
My divorce took almost two years to finalize. I didn’t start dating in earnest for seven months post-split and when I did, there was zero chance of any reconciliation ever. I had stopped all communication with him except between lawyers. I had taken (some) time to heal the best way one ever can and gain perspective first. Some divorces can take years to finalize. But before you proceed, you’d better make sure that the end of the marriage is simply a signature away and nothing less.
Seriously, if you meet a guy who has just split from his wife you really have to wonder about his emotional maturity and character. He is one damaged guy and why is he jumping back into another relationship? One reason: to hide. To not face is inner demons. And he is using you to hide. He needs time to address why his marriage ended, come to terms with his own culpability, help any children he has to come to terms with the end of his marriage, and to reconfigure his life. He has no business jumping into a relationship with you or anyone else and, if you proceed knowing full well his history, shame on you. You are enabling him to continue hiding and ignoring and deflecting.
Jumping into a new relationship will also complicate his divorce tremendously. If you care about this guy or maybe see some potential, you – yes you – can make his divorce a lot longer, more painful, and a lot more expensive. When it comes to the destruction of a family, keeping things as simple as possible is essential. Emotions are running high, there is so much raw pain, and untold confusion, trauma and turmoil going on. Why would anyone ever knowingly insert themselves in the middle of it? The answer is: no one in their right mind.
For every minute he’s spending on the phone with you, for every evening you two are at dinner, he should instead be in therapy. Group therapy, individual therapy. Religious retreats. Reading self-help books. Journaling. Meditating. Working out. Getting himself together. Not dating. If he is, he is a sick man. Even if you manage to keep the relationship going for a long period of time, even post their divorce being final, you have now ended up with a boyfriend who has yet to deal with anything. Your boyfriend is a fucked up mess in the head. Congrats.
If you find yourself post-split and are ready to start dating, you need to think very clearly about your motives. It’s exciting and interesting to look at who is out there. You may have been in a sad and lonely marriage and you are ready for your next step. But STOP. Take a deep breath. Relax. You must focus on you, your children, your divorce proceedings, and your life first. That’s how you proceed as healthy as possible with the next phase of your life. What is the appropriate amount of time? Each situation is different but I’ll say at least six months. And before you start dating, develop some boundaries for yourself. What kind of man are you looking for? Be choosy. Take your time. Don’t jump hard and fast. Caution is key.
Good advice, especiall after you clarified that sometimes divorce take a while, so take that into consideration.
I went through a bitter custody fight, so I didn’t have the energy or the right mindset to even think about a relationship. I “dated” a bit, but that was mostly about me self-validating after the blow to my ego that was my wife’s affair. I’ll also admit that mid custody fight, I really didn’t like women that much. It was too hard to separate this particular one’s behaviour from the rest of the heard so to speak. So, I put my house in order first, then ventured out.
Once out there I found that newly divorced women, even if they met my criteria (kind of judgy on how they treat the father of their children, no smoking, no drugs, sober, age appropriate, etc…), they weren’t done yet. Like a half baked soufflé, they weren’t who they were going to be once they had a little distance from their divorce. The ones that I met who were a year plus out from a FINAL divorce (not just separation) were much better candidates for an actual relationship. perhaps more truely independent.
Thanks XdeRubicon! The first few men I dated post separation were a disaster (all my fault). I was simply incapable of a healthy relationship or making good choices. I thought I was ready and that simply was not possible. Distance is important. Healing is critical. Anyone who just split from a long-term relationship and thinks they’re ready? They need therapy.
Thanks XdeRubicon! The first few men I dated post separation were a disaster (all my fault). I was simply incapable of a healthy relationship or making good choices. I thought I was ready and that simply was not possible. Distance is important. Healing is critical. Anyone who just split from a long-term relationship and thinks they’re ready? They need therapy.
Hey Lizzy. I dated a woman just after I got divorced, but you are right in many ways. I hadn’t given myself enough time to heal, process etc. I was just running back to being a husband again. Luckily I was able to see it myself before I went too far like getting engaged or married or something. I don’t think I did lasting damage to the woman or myself, but I did realize that I was running too fast. Hopefully I’m wiser now. Of course, the same goes for divorced women. They need to heal too before jumping back into something. Thanks.
Yes they do!! And if you are dating someone who just split, seriously, you’re dating someone with some SERIOUS emotional issues and pretty messed up in the head. Sound good? Of course not. Yuck! Best of luck.
I’d recommend being careful about judging until you know the whole story. My husbands exwife is an awful human being. When we first started dating, I could have easily misunderstood his relationship with his son. The are very close and comfortable, but he never spent any extra time with him, just the minimum time in their agreement. Contrast that with my exhusband, who is always doing extra stuff with our kids, who freely bounce back and forth between our homes. What I found as he let me in was how frustrated and angry he was with his situation (it came off as not caring). His ex has never allowed anything above the minimum’s set out in their agreement. If he doesn’t call at the time in the agreement, she wouldn’t answer it. He’s trid getting help via the courts, but it’s a waste of money (he usually gets stuck with her court costs too) and she always finds a way to punish him.
… and this one belongs under “Warning Flag: If He’s a Bad Dad, He’s a Bad Guy”. I’m not sure why my posts on three separate articles ended up all under one blog. Probably operator error.
It took me a long time to separate. We had made the decision to and then found out I was pregnant (last chance save your marriage retreat surprise). My exhusband was concerned about his relationship with the baby and I was pretty freaked out about being alone with a new born, so we waited till she was two. We agreed that we wouldn’t date in the interim. So when we finally divorced, even though the separation was new, mentally, I was pretty well moved on. My ex had transitioned from husband to friend, we were sharing custody and coparenting well.
What I found was that the same was not true for they guys I had started dating. They were all divorced with kids, and honestly, if it had been less than two years since the divorce was final, it was a complete waste of time, no matter how hot they were. They were simply not ready. I’m still friends with a couple of them, and now, I would happily set them up with my best friend. They are great guys and any girl would be lucky to have them.
OK… This reply actually belongs here. I guess somebody has to be the first post divorce date, but it’s a bad idea to think that you can keep them. Of course, the problem is that the really good ones might not stay on the market to long. Better to be safe than sorry and give them some time before considering a serious relationship.
I have a great relationship with my ex husband. We are friends and coparent. I’ve made it a point to befriend any of his girlfriends that appear to be keepers, figuring that eventually, one of them will be my kids step mom. I only talk to him about them if he asks and even then, very reluctantly. On the other hand, my current husband’s exwife is an awful person and I would gladly warn any guy who has kids away from her. Not only is she awful with my hubby and his son, but I’ve seen first hand her efforts at moving the guys she dates away from their kids. Projecting her worst qualities on that poor guys ex, and making it difficult for the guy to be with his kids.
Thanks, Jenny! You should read my article about when you should warn the new girlfriend in your ex’s life. There are times when, I believe, it is entirely appropriate and even necessary in extreme circumstances. If only many of us were so lucky as to have a decent relationship with our ex. You are very, very fortunate.
Thanks, Jenny! You should read my article about when you should warn the new girlfriend in your ex’s life. There are times when, I believe, it is entirely appropriate and even necessary in extreme circumstances. If only many of us were so lucky as to have a decent relationship with our ex. You are very, very fortunate.
Thanks, Jenny! You should read my article about when you should warn the new girlfriend in your ex’s life. There are times when, I believe, it is entirely appropriate and even necessary in extreme circumstances. If only many of us were so lucky as to have a decent relationship with our ex. You are very, very fortunate.
Thanks Lizzy. I love your blog and I did read that other article. this was supposed to be a post on it! I also see that my posts to other blogs seem to have ended up here. LOL. So much for using my phone to browse the internet.
The one below is about living with your ex while separating. and the one below that is about judging guys you date based on their interaction with their kids. No idea what post they should have gone under. I guess here is as good as anywhere else.
I’m very very lucky with my relationship with my ex, but honestly, it took a lot of work to get there. Mostly work on me. My ex is a great guy and when I came to terms with the fact that I wasn’t in love with him, I was able to find a way to be fair to him and love him in a new way. We started dating when I was 15 and living a turbulent life and I’m just not the same person I was.
At this point, I’m more likely to guide great women towards my ex and and to warn him about the nut jobs. He lives close, so we tend to run in a lot of the same circles. At this point, the only warning away I would do is for anyone considering dating my husbands ex-wife. It seems like I could be held for willful negligence if I didn’t at least say watch out.
As a recently separated man, I think this article is unfairly categorical in its tone. In Australia, one cannot get a divorce until separated for at least 12 months. If my wife and I could, we would be happy to divorce tomorrow, why is it morally wrong in the sense that we cannot date someone new simply because the law doesn’t give grant a divorce for an extended period of time? Our split is amicable and no kids are involved. We’re living seperate lives in separate houses. Are we supposed to live in some kind of purgatory as punishment for an unsuccessful marriage? Your sweeping assertion starting “He is one damaged guy … with his own culpability” is outrageous. No wonder there are so many single ladies out there, listening to this type of hyperbolic ‘advice’.
X
AusBloke: Reread the article. I state very clearly that this is an exception– someone who split from his wife some time ago, the divorce is moving along slowly, and the relationship is OVER and it is simply a signature awaiting. My divorce took nearly two years to finalize and I started dating again after seven months. Even then, I was still in somewhat turmoil, though I had cut off all contact with the ex outside of attorneys because of his pathologically abusive behavior. So I stand by every word in the article. If you’ve split a long time ago, you’ve healed, and the divorce is simply dragging out (some divorces take YEARS to finalize) that I believe it’s ok to proceed. But you’re an adult, do what you want. As someone who has dated loads of men, the walking wounded are the recently split and if you purposely walk into that minefield, I think you’re nuts. Best of luck, thanks for the comment.
My ex husband was a military man and he married one of the many girls he cheated on me with & they have a son & have been married for a decade now. He wasted no time jumping into that marriage right after our divorce and it worked for him.
Just wait… we’ll see if it really works for him or her. After all, she married a cheat. Doesn’t sound so awesome to me!
Shouldn’t people who are recently separated be focused on healing and doing some navel gazing about the demise of their marriage? Where is the space in-between a failed marriage and dating to learn better relationship skills? Purgatory is not learning from one mistake before looking for other mistakes to make. The fact that someone wants to jump out of a marriage and straight into dating is an indication, to me, that there is some kind of damage. That is the last thing I need in my life.
Cathy: ABSOLUTELY. As I state in my article, you really need to wonder about the emotional maturity of a guy (or girl) who is hopping out of a MARRIAGE and trying to find their next BIG RELATIONSHIP with no time in between. For those we are taking this path, I understand their defensiveness but, I’ll say it again, someone who dates this person is nuts.
My ex broke off with me for a guy she met at the park down the street. He is married but seperrated and has (2) small children. 4 & 5 I believe. The wife still lives in the home with him. My ex is now staying with him at the house.
They wasted no time with the sex havin it the same day we broke it off. I’m afraid he is using her for a toy and nothing else. He has no job and she pays him child support. Is she in danger of being used and hurt?
Jason,
What a SICK situation. Be happy you got out of that relationship. The guy she’s dating? That horrible situation she is now in? She deserves it. If she tries to come back to you, I hope and pray you say NEVER.
That was a very well written article! Divorce is painful for a reason its a horrible reality of splitting a union of one. Thank you for speaking about this and giving such great insights about why dating prior to divorce is a bad idea. The stats for second, third, and forth marriages are not encouraging and jumping into another relationship with out looking at the last onevcaould be a cause for the poor stats. Thank you again, it was refreshing to hear such wisdom!
Thank you! I do believe in marriage. And I DON’T believe in dating married men. And I also don’t believe in dating men who are in the midst of the divorce. Yuck.
How about just not dating married people period ?! You speak of the immorality of dating a married man who is recently divorced, but then contradict yourself by stating something along the lines of well if the divorce has been dragging on for a while and they really have been separated for some time, then it’s okay to date. I couldn’t disagree more. You cannot have respect for the institution of marriage (as you put it) or even have respect for yourself, and date a married person. It just logically does not follow. Lizzy, you should be more cautious with the “advice” that you give. Afterall, the notion of divorce symbolizes the finality of the severing of the relationship and aids in closure. The same can be said of funerals. Families who have lost a loved one grieve, but it’s the funeral that provides the closure for the loss of the person.
Megan,
I am totally against dating married people but there ARE exceptions. I know people whose divorce has literally taken YEARS to finish. Mine took two years and I thought it was going to keep going for another year when he finally caved. At some point, the divorce is done and it is awaiting a judge to sign. Each case is different. I DO believe in the sanctity of marriage. I think any time someone is willing to date someone who is still in the midst of turmoil of a divorce needs to REALLY STOP. Because adding a new honey in the mix is not only distasteful and immoral, but it complicates things for EVERYONE. Plus, if you are the new honey, you are dating someone who is really screwed up in the head. That said, if it’s been YEARS, I think that can be an exception.
Lizzie, I hear you, but I completely disagree. Married is married period, and again, you have contradicted yourself. If you believe in the sanctity of marriage, how can you possibly think that dating a married person is okay if there are “exceptions”? That’s a rhetorical question. There are no exceptions to be considered. Married is married. No one with morals and self-respect wants to be part of a threesome. And the situation should indeed be categorized as a threesome when someone is married and then decides to date/screw/see someone else regardless of how over they believe the marriage to be. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but it appears that the bases for your opinion is poorly supported as you have contradicted yourself. We will have to agree to disagree on this.
Megan,for years I agreed with your position on this. For the most part, I still do. However, now I am going through a divorce that is taking much longer than it should. There is no reason for this, other than the way the legal system is set up, and we are a no-fault state!
While dating is not an issue for me (I have no idea if it is for my husband, nor do I care), the divorce should have been finalized by now.
Lizzy very good article… however, I have to agree with Megan. Married is Married.. My husband and i were seprated last year with talks of divorce. he however instead of healing himself and working through our problems went toseveral dating sites and lied and posted he was divorced! he got involved with a woman who at first was innocent until she found out from me that we were VERY MUCH STILL MARRIED!! This of course was her chance to RUN like hell.. she didnt run she kept pursuing him!! I was so broken from this betrayal that I attempted to take my life. I dont believe in my heart that There is EVER an exception to dating someone who is not TOALLY FREE!!! I would say Megan is right in the fact that you do contradict yourself. So for you who are reading this and are invoved with a man or woman who is SEPARATED or MARRIED..RUN LIKE HELL AND DONT LOOK BACK!! if you dont then you deserve what you get. dont cry when they leave you and go back to the wife or husband!! also dont cry when they do the same thing to you…….
Tara,
Your point is totally valid. Again, I will reiterate, that if it YEARS into the process, it is very different than a guy who just splits. That said, I think it is HORRID when a woman (or man) decide to date anyone who is married. That couple DESERVES the right to end the marriage without a third party in the middle. This happened to me– my ex started dating a few weeks after I left him. While the kids and I were in deep turmoil and I was beginning horrible chemo treatments, the children were in distress, he was already onto the next girlfriend. Who cares that anyone was still reeling or barely making sense of ANYTHING, he was onto his next victim and she willingly went alone with it. She deserves the drunk she ended up with and I, 3.5 years later, just remarried a sober, loving, stable, thoughtful guy who supports me and has NOT ONCE screemed at me. Still the pain knowing that while I had, just weeks prior, received a cancer diagnosis and the kids still needed so much love, support and attention, he was desperately searching for a new girlfriend. A very sick man, indeed. Sound like a guy you would want to date? Of course not!
I agree with this article l,000%. I was one of those stupid women who believed lies a “single” man was telling me — and yes, I got cheated on, too. Leopard doesn’t change his spots. I would just like to say… The advice given here is sound, excellent, and worth folllwing. Sadly – there are lots of people who have no moral compass – think THEY will make the difference and be the one who this person REALLY falls in love with.. blah blah blah.. (Not happening)… and it’s stuff you would hear in the ideal World. YES, people should step away and not be hung up in the middle of a marriage not yet disconnected… But few will follow this advice. The ones who do are decent, honorable, honest, and trustworthy people who KNOW what they deserve.. But the ones who don’t follow this?? No self esteem, losers, no sense of right/wrong.. and do not CARE about the current situation.. They only want what they want — and move full steam ahead. It’s human nature. There are those who are selfish. And those who are decent.. Which one are you?? Great advice. But I know alot of people who would not give this article a second thought.. That is the sad truth.
Dr Blabby,
I, too, believed the lies my husband told me– he never loved his ex wife but he loved ME sooooo much that he would get well this time! This meant he was committed to AA and not drinking. Riggghhhhtttttt. He had just split from his wife WEEKS prior to meeting me (he lied to me about their separation date– he said it was 7 months prior, not 3 WEEKS). Truth was, he was the SAME with me that he was with his ex. He promised her sobriety, he didn’t do it. He promised me sobriety, I instead ended up with a broken man, emotionally immature, a man with an addiction, and a liar. He was mean, a bully, explosive and unpredictable– exactly the same man he was in Marriage #1. I have learned by that very painful and expensive experience. I hope to warn women that if they are dating a man who is still married, they are inheriting nothing but trouble and, sadly, they deserve him.
Women: STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED MEN, I DON’T CARE IF THEY ARE IN THE PROCESS OF A DIVORCE. THEY ARE ALMOST THE WORSE KIND. THEY ARE BROKEN.
My husband and I are separated after being married for 3 years. I returned to my faith as a Catholic and our marriage is not recognized by the church. I also do not trust him and believe he was cheating on me with other women and pornography. He is in fact cheating on me now at this very moment wtih a woman who he has living with him at his parent’s home. At this time he is living with his parents in another state. He is seeing this other woman whom he does not think I know about, but I do. She is not aware that this is a sin and that my husband is still my husband, despite our complications with my faith and his constant infidelity. My husband is financially supporting me by paying for my education and my living expenses for me and my children from a former marriage until my formal education is completed in about a year and a half. His parents are in reality paying the bill but he continues to take their money to pay me as well as some of his military disability without fail. He gave me his word that he would do this for me, but I think he is going to divorce me and not support me financially anymore. This worries me and I don’t want to have to find other means of support when he made this promise to me. This other woman is causing trouble and she is part of the sin, though not the cause of my husband’s choice to be unfaithful and dishonest. I don’t know what to do about any of this, but I might file for divorce so that I can get spousal support. I read your article and I think any woman who dates a married man is destroying the man and the marriage as well as the relationship they have together. I wish I could do something about this.
RPM,
First, make sure you file for divorce and ask for support to continue. Second, start working fast and hard to find a job so you can support yourself to the best of your ability. Contact an attorney IMMEDIATELY so you can get good sound advice on when to file and what you can expect in the way of support. Generally, alimony is granted for at least half the length of the marriage, oftentimes longer. Do not take ANYTHING for granted. Make sure that you are LEGALLY taken care of. Waste no time in getting started.
Best of luck, Lizzy
This is YOUR experience only.
Fear mongering to the maximum capacity is not going to heal the fact that you did not listen to your own intuition earlier…
DR OGUMEN saying this man has helped he restore his life so i said let me also try as i have no other choice in getting back Jones . at first when i contacted he i thought nothing will work but it was like a dream and surprise when he told me go my child i have and wait for Jones can within the next 3 days and to my greatest surprise Jones actually called me and was pleading on the phone saying he was under a spell from the other lady so with all this great things DR OGUMEN of [email protected] has done for me i want you all to join me to say thank you to this man .or call +2348112060028 and u can app him on whatsApp+2347064358629
MARY KATHY_TEXAS
Yeah,Mama Kalaki made me a mother too after 3years of childlessness…she is wonderful for real.
This is, by far, the best article I have read about dating newly divorced/not yet divorced men. Thank you! Most Internet “garbage” purports that women/men should jump right into a relationship throwing caution to the wind, “doing what feels good” (1960’s-tired-terminology), etc.,etc. I was an observer of a woman dating a not-yet divorced man who had served his wife of 20+ years divorce papers and then disappeared (he worked in another state 2000 miles away) for 8 months. The only reason he re-emerged to see his estranged wife was because he had to attend his daughter’s wedding. I believe I would identify this man as 1.) coward; 2.) narcissistic. He now happily introduces his new girlfriend to his college buddies, etc., and makes sure everyone knows he is “seeing someone.” I call this 1.) someone who is insecure; 2.) someone who was rejected and trying to make himself seem attractive, again; 3.) someone who I would not want to be associated with if I were a single woman dating. His divorce is final in two months. His two children are devastated and he doesn’t care. He won’t even give them time to mourn the divorce while he is out cavorting around. I don’t wish him any good luck in the future, and I hope someone does to him what he has done to his ex-wife-to-be abd family.
Thank you for your comment and story. We don’t even need to wish anything on the guy who is behaving so poorly–karma takes care of that. The woman (women) he dates are ending up with a sick, emotionally immature, broken man. Sound like a fabulous partner? It NEVER works out well. Sure, these men remarry and their wives suffer the brunt. He has learned nothing from his past failed relationship, he has simply found a new woman to numb the pain he should be feeling. She has been used. She cannot heal his pain or make him better, all she has done is become the distraction. Do YOU want to be “the distraction” for a narcissistic/emotionally immature/selfish/broken man? I know I don’t! I met many a guy who had recently split from his wife when I first started dating. When I realized how recent the split was, I don’t care how “cool” he seemed, it was our last date. With my ex husband, he lied to me about the date of his split. He told me it was seven months prior when in reality, he and his ex had lived IN THE SAME HOME until weeks before we met. He was every shade of “crazy in the head” and I didn’t do my due diligence and ended up marrying him. I paid the price for not marrying an emotionally stable guy. And NO MAN is emotionally stable if he just split from a big relationship. There are NO EXCEPTIONS. He is dating YOU or someone else because he is selfish. Be very weary of these men and avoid them at all cost. Trust me, it is FAR better to be single.
This article lacks the underlying reality that each marriage/relationship breakdown is different.
There are some men who are demonic jerks that jump from their marriage right in to something physical or that will distract them from the breakdown of the marriage. That’s completely accurate. It’s just not EVERY situation. There are also plenty of men/women out there who for example, end things with their exes amicably, tried for years to work things out and could not handle it, there are people who are in marriages where they are treated poorly and were able to seek therapy while still married, to get to the point of seprating and are finally free (while separated) to seek out someone they want to be in a relationship with.
In Canada, separated people are forced to wait 1 year until they can finally divorce unless they can prove adultury or cruelty. Why pretend 2 people meeting each other during that time period somehow creates a terrible situation when it DOES NOT aallllllways do so?
it’s just not accurate AT ALL to colour every woman who becomes involved with a man who is still legally married in the eyes of the government, nuts. It’s anti-feminist and highly skewed.
Reminder to anyone reading this who is presumably a GOOD PERSON who is DATING a MARRIED BUT SEPARATED man: You are not some immoral person, neither is the person you’re seeing, you’re definitely NOT nuts and of course, BE CAREFUL like you would be in any relationship, to ensure that the person you are with is not using you in some manner…but don’t let articles like this create some false BS in your head about the situation.
There are plenty of men who are 100% upfront, honest, have spent time and will spend time for their entire lives working on themselves and are NOT “sick men”
Melissa, goodness, you need to calm down. Nobody took your birthday away. You read an article that was someone opinion. Not to worry, she isn’t going to come to your home and make you live by what she wrote. Goodness, angry much?
…And there are people who have affairs and end up marrying the other woman (or man). Does that sound awesome to you? Of course not! First, karma can be really un-fun. Second, you married a cheater! Sound like a cool guy? Of course not! Third, if you’re the “other woman”, you helped destroy a family. Don’t tell me that “the marriage was broken anyway”– you have no idea if they would have/could have worked it out. Sound awesome destroying kids and families? Gosh no!
The reality is, a guy OF COURSE will tell you “I mourned and healed from the demise of my marriage while still married.” If I had $1 for every guy who told me that, I’d be driving a Ferrari.
No scenario is 100% awful or 100% perfect. For every horrible scenario, we can anecdotally find “that one” exception and you “hope” that will be you. Odds are, it won’t. For every person it works out for, there are thousands of broken hearts littered along the way.
I, for one, will not ever step into the drama of someone else’s divorce. I will never date a guy who just split from his wife. I will never have a relationship with a married man. Period. Relationships are hard enough without adding that to the mix.
Here’s an article you might find interesting. I interviewed a guy who women SWOON over. He started dating THE DAY AFTER he split from his wife. Sounds like a guy you want to be dating? Have fun with that. https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/lizzy-smilez/important-lessons-from-a-guy-who-dated-immediately-post-split
that is the most honest answer ever.. i could not have said it better.. when your spouse does not even notice you are there or even exist, then that’s their problem, not your’s.. i am going thru this right now.. i have told my spouse i feel lonely for over a year, but nothing was done about it. How long must one endure this behavior? i I reached put to a long time friend; and we talked more in 5 hours than i did with my spouse in a year. Now the friendship is growing into a relatiionship.. just saying; there are 2 sides to every story.. Be kind; you never know what the other person is feeling or needing.
What you need is a divorce, not another man. Having a relationship with another man outside your marriage is far graver behavior than your husband ignoring your needs. BE an adult and do the right thing before forming a relationship with another man…get a divorce.
I love this article, to bad many women in this situation aren’t reading it. I thought I was crazy for feeling how I do, but I feel better knowing I’m not alone in my thought process. I am going through a divorce after giving over 20 years to this man. We have two children and 2 weeks out of the home and he is already dating someone. Who knows he is still married. Disgusting!! I know our marriage is over, but respect the process. Even when a relationship was unhealthy its still difficult to deal with it ending. Your hurt and your children are hurt the last thing you want is a man or a woman becoming involved with your partner. It can cause such anger between the parties when they find out and it’s not worth the drama. Give it at least six months otherwise you deserve the anger you may recieve from the man/woman your datings soon to be ex.
A.Anomty,
You are so right. And a guy who jumps into a relationship immediately post split is all kinds of messed up. Congrats to the new woman in his life, she has a truly screwed up guy. And for him? A messier, more hurtful divorce. It takes TIME to heal, even if the marriage was awful for years. In my case, I never even loved my husband. I initially “liked” him a lot until his bizarre explosive behavior patterns emerged and he confessed he was an alcoholic. I did mourn the end of my marriage while still living with my husband. I lost all hope while still living with my husband. I STILL dealt with intense pain, sorrow, confusion and chaos when I left him. I needed time to heal, trust, and simply get my children and me situated in our “new life,” whatever that was going to be. Dating again in a healthy manner took TIME. Unlike my alcoholic husband who was on Match.com THE DAY I left him and had a new girlfriend (the first woman he met from Match) within two weeks. He was (still is) a drunk and as crazy in the head as ever. Congrats to her– she can have him, and you know what? She deserves the explosive, volatile mean drunk she inherited. ANY woman who dates a man under these conditions deserves exactly what she gets. And it’s not pretty.
Be wise, do not replicate the behavior of your husband. You are smarter and you will end up far happier.
Best of luck,
Lizzy
Thank you for the artical.
I am very recently separated and searched ‘what do newly separated men do?’.
Im leaving a marriage where I wasnt feeling loved by someone I love very dearly.
Waves of depression, anxiety and insecurity roll in everyday.
I LOVE being married.
I miss someone deeply. And I have started therapy and continue my healing alone.
AVOID MEN LIKE ME RIGHT NOW. So true. Dont give me an opening. I cannot be sincere with you, I want to be, I think I can be. I wont be. You’ll never replace what I just lost. Im an emotional wreck with a straight face. I want to look strong. But I am at my most vulnerable right now. Not good for making decisions.
This feels good.
Thank you
Bob…..or John….whatever….
Dear John,
Thank you for your powerful comment. I’m sorry you’re hurting and I agree that women (and men) should avoid someone like you at all costs until you have time to heal. You are absolutely correct in that, even if someone like you were back dating again, the new woman will not be able to heal you or replace your loss. Only you can make peace with it and then move towards a healthier you, and a healthier relationship. Thank you for being wise enough to recognize it. The good news is that you WILL heal. Things WILL get better. And if you are emotionally healthy, you have a far better chance of ending up in a better relationship in the future.
Best of luck,
Lizzy
Thank you John, you are someone who I just recently broke it off with. He came to me with a straight face….wined and dined me and was the sweetest man but only one thing….the timing was all wrong! He just recently divorced out of a 20 year marriage. and the ink wasn’t even dry on the divorce papers before he jumped out there to start dating someone (me). I needed to hear someone like you tell the truth of how it really is. This man I met needs to be healed and come to terms of why his 20 year marriage came to an end and not jump into another relationship so soon. Again thanks for the confirmation that I made the right choice to end it.
Thank you Bob/John,
You speak truth. The only way to heal from the end of a relationship is to take TIME. You are wise and mature. Some day you’ll be ready to move in a healthy way.
Best of luck,
Lizzy
My husband left me and our daughter two weeks ago and is already dating a girl he just. Met three months ago and has only been hanging out with her for the two weeks he has been gone. She is also married with four kids of her own. They claim to be moving in together but she basically spend every night with him at his motel he is staying at til they can get their own place. My husband has no license and therefore I have to give him a ride to and from work everyday BC his new “gf” still gives her husband a ride and they all work together. When he is around me he acts like there is no problem and we should just talk like nothing is going on. He completely ignores me any time I say anything about our marriage, never really gives me a straight answer other than its been over for a long time yet we hardly ever fault, we were still very much having sex at least two to three times a week. We got in to a fight one night and the next he left and moved in to a hotel and then instantly this married women was there with him every night and they basically only been talking on the phone through fb for like a month. He says its over but just days before our fight we were saying I love you and still having sex… What do I do and is there any hope left for our marriage I don’t know what to do..
Amber,
First, WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM A RIDE ANYWHERE? HE MOVED OUT. HE is NO LONGER your problem or responsibility– he is HERS. STOP DOING THIS NOW!!!
Second, I hate to say this but you do NOT need to ask your husband about your relationship status. He moved out. He is dating again. He is nearly living with her. It SUCKS but he has moved on and IF he ever DID try to come back to you, make sure your door is locked. Actually, make sure it is dead-bolted. His leaving may NEVER make sense to you. You may NEVER get answers as to WHY. You may NEVER make peace with that. Your job now is to get a lawyer, STOP DRIVING HIM ANYWHERE, and get a good support group and therapy. Take care of YOU. Is there any hope? NO. And there shouldn’t be. What should you do? RUN.
I’m sorry but that’s the truth.
Best of luck,
Lizzy
Your article is a complete joke. you pass judgement on both men and women’s decision making and tell then they deserve to be cheated on. you lump all seprated men into a neat little jar of evil. you. have. NO. clue. “should be” this and “you need to” that. sorry gal, human behavior and relationships aren’t that simple. i assume this is your day job, just quit.
I ABSOLUTELY stand my this article. This part of a relationship IS that SIMPLE: Date someone who recently split with his wife and you are inheriting one emotionally damaged guy who is USING his new love to hide from his pain and AVOID the healing process. Sounds like what a wise woman wants to step in to? NO WAY.
My issue with your article is that you justify dating while married because of your random choice in time. So what do you consider recent? Obviously it’s less than 7 months since to you that is defined as eons. How about this – don’t date until you are not married – and that is in the legal definition. Respect the institution fully – if you can’t handle that then don’t get married.
I don’t believe I ever defined eons as 7 months. That said, I stand by my article. Don’t date men who are still involved with their ex. After all, they’re in the hardest relationship of their lives– with the divorce-processing-wife. Don’t do it.
I recently got out of a relationship with a man I had know through social media. All of a sudden he was messaging me to meet and stupidly I agreed. I felt his living situation was a little odd and did not see him again for months. After some time had passed he said he was separated. Against my better judgement I saw him again. He quickly became attached and begged me to see his situation through. I had been single about 3 years and thought I was smarter than to fall for a man who had nothing to offer emotionally. We dated for about 9 months. It was the worst experience of my life. He was using me to fill a void and avoid coming to terms with the reasons his marriage fell apart. I ran from that situation and learned a valuable lesson. Never ever date a man who is separated, no matter how healed he professes to be. It’s selfish and disgusting. We’re all human and make mistakes. I am grateful I got out before more severe damage could be done!!! Run, don’t walk from men/women in this situation:
Agree!
Please, do NOT fall for this guy. He is truly confused, still has a lot of coping to do, and needs to heal. He CANNOT and WILL NOT do it with you in the picture. Why should he? He has someone to help distract him from facing the demise of his marriage, he part in it, and forging a path to something better. If you date him again, you are in for trouble. Stop having coffee with him and tell him to call you in a year once he’s done some serious emotional work. Best of luck!
PS: Read this article. It’s about a guy who dated immediately post divorce. Sound fun? Heck no! https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/lizzy-smilez/important-lessons-from-a-guy-who-dated-immediately-post-split
Well I have been dating a divorced man for 8 months. But went through with his separation and divorce ( he has been divorced almost two years now) we did have an affair until 8 months ago. But little did I know he had been contacting his ex..she found out about me and she just wouldn’t let go and she put on such an act he walked away from me and went back to her. he said she was having a difficult time and wanted us to try again. Well after a month he was in contact with me again. We just phone each other and have a coffee now and then. He has been telling me, he felt sorry for her but he now remembers why he divorced her. Now he is walking away from her BUT why all this was happening he realised how much he missed me and he still loved me and he wants us to start again. I do miss him and love him, but he also hurt me.
Thank you for this article!!!! You have certainly opened my eyes and gave me peace about this situation. I met a guy two months ago who just got divorced (a month before meeting me) out of a 20 year marriage with two almost grown kids. I questioned the fact of why he was ready to date so soon but he said that he was and although he is recently divorced, the marriage was over a long time ago. Well he is already saying that he loves me and that he wants to marry me. I decided to end it and he is not happy about it. I told him that he has not healed from his divorce and it is too soon for him to be with anybody let alone me!! This article has enlightened me and I truly know that I would have been a “rebound” and also he has some “demons” he has to deal with and starting a relationship so soon after his divorce is a big “red flag” that he doesn’t want to deal with the breakup and wants to cover it up in another relationship which would probably turned bad. I do know this though, she initiated the divorce…not him so after 20 years of marriage…wonder what really happened…..hum…..and you wanna make my life miserable???? I think I made the right decision and let it go!!!! Thanks again for the confirmation that I did the right thing!!
Hi Rose,
You are doing the right thing! First, why is he not in therapy after a divorce ended? One of the oldest statements in the book is “But I dealt with the end of my marriage while still in the marriage.” Riiiiggghhhhtttttt. Do not fall for it. Second, I think it’s wise sometimes to talk to the ex and find out her side of the story. If you can’t, or don’t want to, do that, be very careful believing half of what he tells you. She may be an evil, crazy woman, but she probably isn’t and there’s another side of that story. Healthy men take time to recover after the end of a marriage; sick men jump right back in. Which sounds better to you? Here’s another article you should read– I talked to one of those guys who started dating again immediately after his split. If this doesn’t make you want to run for the hills, I don’t know what will!
Best, Lizzy
Thank you for this article. I met someone recently who has been separated from their ex for several months. At first, the initial attraction and connection led me to overlook the “warning signs” of dating a separated man. It has been my first time dating someone in this situation. At first, he went out of his way to show me a great time and would always make fun suggestions of things we should do. Well, it’s only been a few dates, but he’s already running hot and cold…mixed signals, leading to that dreaded feeling of being used. I should have thought it through earlier, but I got sucked into the excitement of meeting him. I can see how I fell vulnerable to the situation too based on the pain I went through in my past relationship. I learned real fast that by him talking about all his issues with his ex, it’s going to take him a long time to get over all of it. He’s in the middle of a life crisis…maybe he would be doing me a favor by not calling me again, and I’ll try to look at it that way.
Note about what I just posted: I know I referred to her as the “ex,” but after giving this a second look…well, it isn’t technically an “ex.” Separated still=very married. There’s just so much that a person needs to sort out emotionally and financially before they are ready. After my experience, I think even casual dating is risky when it comes to seeing a separated person. Their baggage still affects you no matter what, and they just need their time and space to heal.
I agree with you 100 percent. And you do not deserve to be his distraction or transition person. That is a very sad road.
I am so sorry for your pain. No doubt, he is messed up in his head. How could he not be? He just split from his wife! No doubt, when he said those things, they felt good and right. But the reality is, he can’t make good on a commitment, or a commitment good, because he needs time to heal. That doesn’t happen over night, though many men and women will tell you that it can, or that they did all the healing they need to do while still in the relationship. Those who say that, are messed up in the head, too. Hey, we all are! I’m not judging, me too! I dated a guy post split just to test the waters. It was a disaster. I inadvertently led him on, I hurt him, and I realized that I was in NO WAY ready to date and, if I did, I would end up in another unhealthy relationship. Be strong. Do not be used. You had fun. You learned. There is a great guy who is ligit and in that “space” where he can provide a real relationship for you. Find him. Do not waste another minute on this one. If he is hot and cold, block his number and don’t take his calls or texts. You deserve better.
Best,
Lizzy
You might find this a good read https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/lizzy-smilez/important-lessons-from-a-guy-who-dated-immediately-post-split
Thank you for this post. It has given me great relief that I am not alone in this situation. Briefly, met someone last November who told me he was separated still living in the marital home but the wife had moved out to her parents. We knew each other from many years ago and crossed paths that day. He was very keen to ask me on a date and thats how it started. All the red flags were there, very keen, lots of wonderful promises of playing golf together, going to meet his mum, going away together. Then, a few months later the texts got less and less, he kept making excuses for not being able to meet, he would organise a date then all of a sudden excuse a, b, c and d would occur. It finally came down to me reaching out asking what was going on? Turns out his wife had moved back in to the home…although they were living in different parts of it. He then tells me he cant have a relationship anymore as he has to “placate his wife at all costs and keep the status quo whilst going through the divorce process”. I asked him how the divorce was going. They hadnt even filed papers yet contrary to what he told me before. I ran away so fast I am still trying to catch my breath. I have felt incredibly used and most of all soooooooo very STUPID. It has hurt me a lot as I stepped over a boundary that I should never have done. So anyone else out there contemplating a relationship with a married man…..DONT!
Agree! I am so sorry he dragged you into a “relationship” under false pretenses. Count yourself lucky that you found out relatively fast. Can you imagine spending years with his a-hole?
Thank you for saying this… My ex husband and I wetter having some issues so I decided to go visit my parents for a few weeks thinking it would show us how much we missed each other. I was wrong as soon as I left he was taking sooner girl or he met on instagram… Taking her he was separated… We weren’t seperated
.. It got very uglyand the whole time his gf kept talking about me online dating I was some crazy irrelvent ex when he was tlling me he wanted us to work it out. It was a huge mess… They completely humilated me and sit on my marriage…i got sick of this crap and filed for divorce. He was begging me to work it out… And his go gets pregnant and this is all within two months… They are married now but I feel sorry for both of them… Yet I think they deserve each other.
Send them roses and tell them both thank you very much. You are now free from this jerk and you can find someone fabulous. Meanwhile, the new wife is married to a major jerk. He’s her problem now, not yours. Yay for you! I felt like sending my ex’s new girlfriend a text that said, “Hey, you want my half eaten sandwich, too?” She got my rotten, disgusting leftovers. Yay for me!
Best of luck in forging a fabulous new life!
Lizzy
This article is good! Same can be said for dating divorced mom’s too.
Yes this is exactly what happened to my marraige. My husband estranged currently undergoing divorce. Just a few months after I left him (because he was physically abusing me, and cheating on me with a couple of women), he jumps into a relationship with a 20 or so years younger woman he met at the gym
this is not the mistress i left him over, rather a new one. When I left him, he grew tired of his mistress and took up with this young girl
i always think what the hell is she thinking getting it on with him while we are in court hashing out the fact that he is an abuser and cheater. it really is puzzling
he treats her well for now but for how long? true it pains me to see them soooo happy. He treats her like a queen and im like?????
Are they still together. Mine left me around 18 months ago for a woman 21 years younger who has three kids. He was her boss. He is wealthy she is not. He seems to have gone from control freak, short tempered arsehole to mr family man in one fell swoop. I’m still trying to decipher it all and it’s driving me round the bend wondering if perhaps it was all my fault.
I have to say thank you Emma. I saw this post while I was going thru my divorced,and decided not to date tily divorced was finalized and I even went to therapy to work out my hurt and trust isues. After all, I was married for 18 years, and found out after our youngest turned 17, he was cheating and ect.. I felt I kind of knew it and just didn’t want to realize it. After everything was done and finalized and I took time for myself, I started dating and so far so good. One step at a time ; ) thank u again Emma
First I want to say thank you to Dr. Todd. You really gave me clarity about the situation. For those of you needing real help, this is your guy. He is the truth. I had spent thousands of dollars trying to get my girl back with other casters. When I came to Todd, I didn’t want the reading. I just wanted him to do the work. His secretary (thank you T) told me that without the reading, Dr. Todd would not help me. In the reading, Todd told me the truth. I didn’t want to hear it and it was hard to take, but he told me anyway. He told me she was a waste of my time, as she was not going to come back. No matter what spell. So he suggested I do a cleansing to move on. It took me three weeks to get used to that idea. But after a while, I realized Todd was right. So I did what he said. And now, I have a girl who really cares about me and who is actually my friend and really has stuck by me. I know that she would not have come into my life had I continued to pursue my ex and that I would have just been miserable for longer. So all I have to say is Thanks, you truly are the best. Whenever I need help, I will definitely come to manifest spell [email protected]. And I hope to meet you in person one day soon.
Thanks so so so much,
Robbie
My name is Loreal, I went to Dr. Grea about 2 weeks ago as I was desperate after my MAN of 4years, just left, no note, no text, no explanation, I was in pieces, I contacted Dr. Grea via http://reunifyexlove.webs.com and within a few minutes of talking to him I felt much better, I knew as soon as I started talking with him that he would and indeed could help me, I talked all my situation through with him and he began working for me. I have to say, hand on heart, the next morning when I woke up, I felt great, as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I told Dr. Grea and he said he wasn’t surprised as he had done a working that night, and something had “lifted” already from me, well, again, hand on heart, things in my life went from strength to strength after I spoke with Dr. Grea and I listened to his advise and he began work for me, it took a few days to bring him back, but it worked and I can’t thank him enough and now we are living together as one big happy family again.Thanks to you Dr. Grea http://reunifyexlove.webs.com I would have no hesitation to recommend him to anybody. If you choose to know more about him contact him http://reunifyexlove.webs.com
Every person, every relationship, every circumstance is different. Your wide sweeping statements (‘he is a sick man’) are peppered liberally and with judgment throughout this.
You sound a bitter woman.
I find this article a bit dramatic and over the top. All situations are different, first of all. The couple may be forced by their state laws to go through a separation period before they can officially file for divorve, even though the relationship is thoroughly over, for all intents and purposes. Second, just because a marriage comes to an end doesn’t mean the parties are so broken that they’re unable to get into another relationship. I once had a relationship where I pretty much greived it and came to terms with its end while we were still together. It was after I came to this acceptace that I ended the relationship. It’s quite possible to come out of a marriage and not be broken. I don’t think a woman is horrible for dating a man who is separated and I don’t think a man is sick for wanting to date while separated. One thing I will say is that I don’t think it’s wise to date someone whose relationship isn’t completely over with no hope for reconciliation. You’re setting yourself up for disaster if you’re dating a man who’s still entertaining the possibility of getting back with his wife.
i agree with the OdotA. This article is overly emotionally charged, and insults one’s intelligence by inferring you are crazy or stupid if you disagree with the author. Not a contructive piece.
Thank you for this post! I split up with my husband 6 months ago – Although I pulled the pin I was totally devastated and am still grieving the loss of a 15 marriage which ended in disaster!! The final few months were the most painful of my life. We have a 14 year old son and that made it even more painful. Needless to say soon as he moved out he apparently started dating (although it is unclear how he met this woman and whether she was already on the scene before hand even though he denied it, she may have been already in the scene). Anyway when I found out a few months ago I was totally devastated as everything was still up in the air our finances, redirecting our lives, and learning new joint parenting arrangements. I have never felt so betrayed and although I have read thousands of posts on how we need to ‘move on’ from the relationship especially when your partner does, for me it has not been that easy. Of course once she was on the scene everything became even more difficult, he became more distant, arrogant, actually mean, and no longer interested in communicating even just to sort some practical issues. It was like speaking to a stranger! That was probably the biggest shock for me to come to terms with. I felt the man I once knew no longer existed, and all it took was for another skirt to take his fancy!!! Anyway I have done so much learning, research, inner work, counselling, and fortunately I have also embarked on a journey to reconnecting with God through Faith and it has made a huge difference. Although I have visited all the stages of grief/loss/separation and I believe I sometimes fall back into denial, or in my mind also bargaining, in spite of the fact that I know it’s over!!! What I have not done though is distracted myself with anyone or anything, in fact quite the opposite I am looking for ways to heal myself. In any event I am still in disbelief as to how he could have gone and slept with another woman so soon after our split, as for me I cannot even look at other men let alone feel interested even if I were to be courted I am sure it would actually annoy me at the moment. I am so disappointed and disillusioned as I feel if a man I spent 15 years with and gave me heart and soul to this relationship can a few weeks into a major crisis simply up and ‘change flags’ so easily what hope is there in actually re-establishing a deeply meaningful relationship? I knew our marriage was in trouble, and I knew I no longer wanted it to be the way it was, but I certainly did not imagine that all it took was for me to stand my ground about the fact that we had an issue and possibly that it was serious enough for me to want out, to make him just ‘keep walking’ rather than fight for me and what we had invested in for 15 years. Consider also that he is 59 and I am 54, so it’s not as if he was a young lad who had to hit it off at the first opportunity, but it seems in this instance age does not matter. It’s been six months and I sometimes still catch myself shaking my head as to how we landed here! I don’t know that I will ever get an answer to that…Hope for all of you who have had a similar experience that you find resolution and answer to your prayers. May God have mercy on us all and helps us through difficult times.
Everyone! Email___dr.mack201@gmail. com, Thanks to dr_mack for bringing my Lover back just in 3 days!
Great article. One thing to add: dating seperated men or women is also stupid because of the fact that they may also reconcile with their partner. I just had a brief fling with a seperated guy (with two very small kids) who did all the stuff you mentioned (bad mouthing his wife, saying he was done with it years ago). He seemed on the way to committing to me and then suddenly he vanished. When I asked him what was going on he told me he was still involved in something else & that might not change for a while. So much for seperated. It was very painful for me, because he seemed to be quite into me, but I see now that he was high-risk. Stay away from people in this situation! It will most likely end in tears! Either they (unconsciously) see you as a rebound, or they will reconcile with their partners.
I am a guy unofficially separated from my alcoholic wife since Xmas last year. I recently found out she is now in a new relationship with a cop! I am a loyal person who respected the fact I was still in a ‘marriage’ although I was living apart from my wife. I want to make it clear that I’ve had no intentions of having sex or relationships with other women, I’m still healing and taking therapy etc for self improvement and it would be cruel to date another as I feel damaged and unready to take on another lady. It’s killed me inside to find out my ex is back dating before official separation or divorce bringing in a third party adds a new dimension to any future reconciliation of our marriage. I had dormant feelings for her and hoped to rekindle the marriage as time had passed as we kept contact and I came to her aid if she needed help or to talk, she was always the first to initiate conversation or contact with me so I felt there could be a chance at some point.
My point here is that how in Gods name would I involve another woman in this mess?? I agree with the original post, do not date men in my position, I am still married and I will mess up your head, I promise this! Take the advice and stay well away from people like me who are separated. Thankfully I have a good moral compass and I won’t lead you on or lie to you, if you like me or find me attractive, leave it at that.. please!! Unfortunately people like my wife will lead you on, hide the truth and subject you to the same horrors she put me through, she will run her husband (me) down to you to make you feel great like some kind of hero. You will feel sorry for her sad story. But believe me, when you see her true colours and the heavy drinking starts up, run and run fast and never return!
Well, I find this article generally accurate, but at the same time unfair in the manner of common generalization of men and our relationships.
While what you say is generally true, each person has different circumstances.
In my case I started dating while I was not divorced yet, just somehow separated.
My former wife and I had been in trouble for years, for as many as 12 years where it was always me who tried to save the marriage, regardless of who was to blame for marital problems, and I loved her a lot, I still do in one way or another as she was with me for 20 years and she is the mother of my two children.
During our last year she asked for a divorce three times, and the last time I just decided it was more than overdue, as my former wife kept bringing up divorce all the time. She has a job that requires many long hours and overnight shifts (a nurse), and was almost never home, not only because of work but because she would rather spend whatever little free time she had with her friends than with me or our kids. I was a stay-at-home dad for 7 years, while working from home and being the one who paid for nearly everything.
I was paying for her, for our kids, and taking care of our kids and our home while I was trapped at home, Monday through Saturday, in those four walls in front of a laptop, no friends, no adults to talk to, and she would come home and spend her time sleeping or on her phone, she would go out with her friends and coworkers (as far as I know) and wouldn’t even ask me how my day was, wouldn’t even text me once during the day, wouldn’t even call once, not even for the kids.
I love my kids, but I felt like an ATM and babysitter and maid while she was living her life, I felt like another piece of furniture at home, trapped in a sexless, and an emotionally, psychologically and even physically abusive marriage.
I was not perfect, I made mistakes, no one is perfect, but I just couldn’t have that anymore, begging for love and attention.
We decided to end it but I just couldn’t leave my kids like that so I slept on the couch for months, and yes, I started dating while I was still there sleeping on the couch.
I had already grieved my marriage so many times, for so many years, and especially that last year, that I wanted to move on, make sure I could still date, that I could still find someone who could like spending time with me, or eventually love me.
Before I even started dating, she asked me to fix things, but I was done; this last time it was me who was done, it was me who didn’t want to try again, and while I felt tempted and it broke my heart a little more to not try again, I once thought about me first.
I knew that I was just getting back on my feet financially; I knew that I didn’t want to just leave my kids so abruptly, especially when their mom was never home.
So when I met new women I told them: “I am recently separated, not divorced, I don’t feel ready for anything serious plus I don’t want to make commitments right away, I like you, and I want to start dating you, and see how things go slowly, we’ll see what happens, and anyway that’s how any normal couple meet, you don’t meet someone and tell them – OK. I will date you but I want to get married and have three kids and a white picket fence house in a few years. We can spend time together, have fun, enjoy each other’s company and if things work out, we’ll see.”
Believe me, that didn’t make things easy for dating, I ran into ladies that told me on the first date they wanted to have a baby and a family – I never saw those ladies again as I couldn’t meet their expectations, and even if I were single and younger, I would have run like hell.
I met a nice girl, and we started dating, I moved out after a few months, to a small studio apartment. I really liked her, and we lasted a few years, things didn’t work out at the end because of logistics, she had to move to another city and I couldn’t because of my kids.
I am now dating again, haven’t still met a girl like her or like my former wife, but one can only hope.
I would like to say again, not all situations are the same.