Last week, I watched a Dr. Phil show about a mom, her new hubby and his daughter, and her daughter. Her daughter was doing drugs, steeling her step sister’s clothes, not coming home at night, and more. The new hubby didn’t like the daughter and openly admitted that he wished she were gone and it was just him, his new wife and his daughter living in their home. The step sister didn’t like her either. And Mom said she didn’t blame either of them. Dr. Phil was horrified. Stepping into this girl’s shoes, she was living in a home where no one liked her. Three people against a 16 year old. What was this girl supposed to do to try and survive living in a household where she wasn’t wanted?
Which brings up a very real dilemma. As we start dating again, what happens if our new love isn’t all that crazy about our children? And what if our children don’t like him either? Who gets top priority? Our wants or the wants and needs of our children?
I was part of this scenario in my past marriage, and it was awful. I went into that marriage totally naïve and clueless. No joke– The Brady Bunch, one of my favorite TV shows of all time, taught me everything I knew about blending families. After all, I am not the product of divorce and neither were most of my friends. The only real blended family I “knew” were the Brady kids and, minus some hiccups, they were one happy crew.
So when I met Rob and we decided to get married, I thought everyone was happy. My daughter, Morgan, was getting a dad, so she was thrilled. And his daughters “Kellie” and “Nicky” were getting a nicer and bigger house with a pool. No problems, right?
WRONG! Seriously, I had no idea the trauma and turmoil that was still going on in their heads. I had no idea that their mother had just moved out of their home because Rob lied to me about the timing. I had no idea how much they disliked and resented me because on the surface, all was great. Wanting the “perfect” home, I came up with a list of household rules (like curfews, chores, a strict “no drugs” policy– Nicky was partying like a rock star,” and no boys in bedrooms) and Rob agreed and presented it to his two daughters. I wasn’t there for that meeting but I can only imagine the conversation.
While I was clueless, Rob knew– and he discounted their feelings entirely in his pursuit to satisfy his own needs. Kellie and Nicky were confused and hurt and not at all “settled” with anything when Rob disrupted their lives even more by finding a new girlfriend (me), selling their childhood home, introducing a new wife and child (and an adopted child on the horizon), and basically throwing it all (with glee) in their mother’s face.
Throughout our relationship, Rob spent quite a lot of time fighting with Kellie, Nicky and his ex-wife “Tina.” And he often blamed me for all of it. One day I found drugs in our home and told Rob that either Nicky was moving out or I was. The huge fights that ensued after that were legendary. Nicky, who by then was then 20 years old, moved out and Rob blamed me for the fact that he had a troubled relationship with his daughters.
Finally, I had an epiphany and told Rob. “You are, or at least should be, your children’s advocate, not me. I don’t know them like you do. If there is something you want to do differently with your kids, then do it! Do not blame me anymore for your problems with them. You’re a grown man, you’re their father, so act like it.”
From then on, when he blamed me for these problems, it just went in one ear and right out the other.
When I left Rob, he sent me one text that just cut straight through my heart. He said, “Kellie and Nicky are so much better now that you’re gone.” That stung and hurt to my very core. Because if Rob was a horrible father, it wasn’t my fault. He was just simply a horrible father. If he didn’t have the relationship he wanted with his children, well, that was his fault, too. He shouldn’t have slammed a new relationship down his daughters’ throats. Still, ouch, that was hard for me to hear. I sent his ex-wife, Tina, an apology. Tina, bless her heart, said that Rob was responsible for his relationships, not me.
Still, at what point do we put our children’s wants above our own? If we are madly in love with a guy who are children can’t stand, do we pursue it? What if they don’t like the guy simply because he’s taking attention away from them? What if he really is awesome and there’s nothing he can do to turn the tide? Or, what if the two factions simply don’t like each other and don’t mesh and there’s nothing we can do to fix it? Then what?
As hard as it is to hear, the reality is this: Our moral, ethical and legal obligation is to our children. They came first. They didn’t ask to be the victims of divorce, to have a mom and dad who couldn’t work it out and split. And if there isn’t a connection– a real connection — between our kids and the new guy, it’s time to sever it. Because if we marry a guy, or live together, the home will quickly become a battle zone and that’s fair to no one.
A friend of mine, “Sally,” married a widower. He had a five year old daughter and Sally realized early on that she couldn’t stand this little girl. From what I could tell, she was extremely jealous that the daughter received so much attention from her dad when Sally thought that she, the new wife, should come first. “The marriage is the most important relationship in the household,” Sally said. (I wanted to smack her.) That aside, seven months into their disastrous marriage, Sally was told to pack her bags and get the hell out of his house. Divorce papers quickly followed. At least the guy chose his daughter over his new honey, so I give him kudos. He did the right thing.
I know this is a tough one. I’m dating again, too, and dating when we have children is far more complicated than when we didn’t. There are a lot more people to consider than just the two adults. And that is one of the most important things I look for– how does he interact with my daughters? Are they comfortable with him? Because if they answer is “no” or “not sure” then the relationship is over. And it takes time, lots of time, to ensure that things are going well. Impatience and short-cuts are impossible when you have kids. But if there really is a choice, the happiness and well-being of the children versus a guy, the kids must win.
Kids no question. It must be kids.
I am going through something like this, except my kids (the 2 youngest ones who are 29 and 33 ) are the problem. They both are in relationships and have children.Thats not the problem, they don’t like my boyfriend and have not even given him a chance, although his 29 year old daughter loves me. They have stopped talking to me, and even have “unfriended” me, on Facebook ,so I can’t see photos of my 5 grandchildren ! It all seems so childish, but I have reached out to them and they haven’t responded, it has been almost a year now and we live in the same city.In my heart I have forgiven them, but will not forget how they have broken my heart. The divorce was mutual between my ex and I ( we were married for almost 37 years ) and neither one of us are bitter, so I can’t figure out what is going through their heads. I am asking if anyone in this group has gone through this and how it worked out, if it did. I need to know what to do next,but I will not apoligise to these 2 adults as they knew their Dad and I were unhappy and needed to go our seperate ways. I miss my “kids” and especially my Grandkids.I didn’t bring up my kids to be disrespectful , they did this all on their own, and I am at a loss to figure out how to move forward. Any advice for this Sad Nana ?
Suz,
You don’t say how long between the separation, divorce, and the appearance of the boyfriend. The kids might see him as the cause of the divorce if it is too soon. They might also think you didn’t wait (grieve) long enough. My ex and I waited quite a while before introducing new partners to our kids. Keep in mind that the kids might not have been paying too much attention to your relationship with their father. What seemed like an eternity to you might have seemed overnight to them.
Is it possible for you to reach out to your ex? You might find that while you think the divorce is fair and mutual, he doesn’t or at least didn’t present it that way to the kids. He might also be willing to give you some insight if you are willing to listen. It might be hard to hear, but remember your goal of being Nana to your grandchildren.
I have no relationship with my mother. At my (now ex) husbands insistence, I allowed a minimal one when we had kids so that the kids would know all of their grandparents. Fortunately for me, my ex husband got my mom in the divorce and now handles her. He and I are friends on The Facebook, so she can see all of the pictures that he can. I have no intention of ever dealing with her again, and I can well imagine her writing what you just wrote. Re-read what you just wrote. You are unwilling to apologize, the kids actions are disrespectful, and it’s all their fault. You will probably have to start with I’m sorry, it must be hard for you, help me understand what I did to cause this and what I can do to fix it, etc… and no buts or qualifiers. Only with that in place can you start to tell your side of things.
You might check Amazon for books about adult children of divorce. To think that there won’t be issues just because they are in their 20’s is naive.
You might have legal rights, so you could check into that, but keep in mind that the kids might fight back. If that is your only recourse, see if you can get them to go to a family mediator.
Suz, Since I don’t know your boyfriend and have not spoken to your chidren, is there perhaps a reason they don’t like him? Is he dangerous, does he have a shady past, do they feel he may be exploiting or taking advantage of you? If you met with them alone in person with an open mind, would they be candid with you and would you listen? I know that most states have Grandparents Rights laws so speak with an attorney. You may be able to re-establish a relationship with them. I hope you find a resolution.
Kids first, and if that is a problem for the new paramore, then there’s your sign… You either have work to do on your relationship with the kids or there’s an issue with you new love. Eitherway, time to slow things down a bit at a minimum.
This is a very tricky subject, I’ve studied it in detail… one of the keys to teaching your children how to have a succesful marriage is to teach them to put their spouses first. In my experience the best way to teach my kids is by example.
Marriage is at the core of our (family) value system. Whether it’s your parents marriage or your own, the relationship between spouses involved in your family life is central. Yes, I expect that as a mother this is more challenging than for fathers. And I am in no way saying that you should avoid parenting in order to build your own spousal relationship, I am saying that in order to be a better parent you need to put your spouse first.
Make decisions together, when either parent makes a unilateral parenting decision they are undermining the other spouse. Making joint decisions should also lead to better decisions.
When you have conflicting views on how to be a better parent, it’s okay to discuss the different views in front of the children. Make sure that you resolve the conflict (which is completely natural and expected) in a balanced way, thus teaching your children that conflict is normal and conflict resolution can be a peaceful and learning, growth opportunity for everyone.
I love this advice – in its simplest form: Live mindfully. Make your spouse’s happiness paramount. Remember that you are married to your best friend. Surprise your partner. Compromise on the big stuff, and the small stuff. Trust the person you married to be at least as smart and good a person as you are. Never, ever make fun of each other in public. Never let your children come between you. Treat each other’s important people with respect. Help each other to realize your independent dreams.
I’m also challenged as to how to make this work when merging families, I’m still at the point where I feel that spouse must come first, and then the children. I think that by doing so it removes the my child – your child debate. They are all equal and by putting my spouse first it means their children are at least as important as my children.
A wiser woman said: “In most situations, outside of basic necessity, my husband comes first!! If you don’t have a healthy marriage/partnership then you can’t be the best mom you can be. Just my opinion. But, my parents were asked this in marriage counseling, when I was an adolescent and my dad said “the kids come first, period.” and the counselor told him he was wrong….and lo and behold, 20 years later he agrees that his marriage should have come first!!”
Alan, Thanks for the comment! When it comes to children who are left after a divorce, I believe emphatically that kids must come first. Not necessarilly in every situation. However, especially if they are still dependents, they didn’t ask for a divorce, they do not have the ability to simply walk away from a situation that they are not comfortable in. and they are innocent victims in the whole thing. As hard as it is, it may mean staying single for a long time while kids are in the picture. Their needs, their healing, their comforta and their safety must be paramount before a new love interest. If the children and the new love don’t like each other, then I really don’t know how a parent in good conscience can ignore that and move a new person into the home. Think about it from a child’s perspective– living in a home with a virtual stranger, feeling uncomfortable (or far worse). As all of those who’ve been divorced know full well– spouses aren’t forever. I wish they were, but they aren’t. Hey, I want to date and find The One as much as the next person, but having children is far more complicated.
I’m not a big fan of the magnet programs if you aren’t already zoned for that school. In my district, getting a single C gets you kicked out. That’s so much pressure on the kid.
You run a blog focused on your desire to move away with your child. I’m betting that your ex will resist your school plan out of fear that giving an inch will lead to you taking a mile.
My ex-husband is getting married in a few months. We have 4 children together. The kids hate the idea of their dad marrying again. They don’t really care for his soon to be new wife. They are still having a very difficult time with the divorce even though it has been two years now. I have done everything I possibly can to help them with this new transition. The hardest part of all of this is that the ex has not made the children his first priority since he started dating this woman. He doesn’t call them and only sees them on his visitation days which is quite sad. He seemed to always have time for them no matter what. They are my priority no matter what is going on with me. He just doesn’t seem to get this. Kids are first no matter what. Anyone who doesn’t understand this shouldn’t have kids.
Darcell, I a so sorry about your story. It disgusts me and it happens all the time. I wish I could understand that thought process but I don’t. I suppose hormones over children? And selfihness. And the biggest losers in all this? The kids. So not right.
You have to create an environment where both of you are working together to do what’s best for the kids, not just one person deciding how things are going to go and then expecting the step parent to get in line. For example, my ex made an agreement with his ex wife that she could always have the kids on the 24th of December and he could always have them on the 25th – no alternating years. He agreed to this when we were together and without my consent. Given that we live in a separate country from the Mom, this meant that we would never see my family at Christmas. His family, the ex wife and kids all live in the same place. Mine in the country we live in now. His justification? It was better for his kids and kids always come first. No, sorry. My family counts too. My family MATTERS. You don’t get to make a unilateral decision once you become part of a partnership.
He then used the excuse that I didn’t have any children so I was just selfish. You know what, now that I have my own kid to put first I *still* stand by what I said. What he did was not ok. The kids don’t always come first because kids need to learn that we take turns putting different people in the family ahead of ourselves. Family is about sharing and doing what’s best for the group, not just what is best for the individual.
Would I ever be with someone who didn’t like my kid? No. Would I ever let my kid be picked on or abused by a partner? Not on your life. But will I tell my kid that my new partner’s needs and wants are an important and relevant part of our family? Yes. Yes because I want my kid to learn to think of more than just herself and yes but cause that is the way I want to be treated in a relationship.