Strange rambling, and a little creative thought and a little role play today… but I suspect, not too far from the truth.
Be Nice to your Mother… You are the Mother of my Children.. Two phrases that let me know that my marriage was over.
The first was a foreboding warning that I, meaning dad, will not always be here. I want YOU, my kids to hear me say that, but more importantly, I want Virginia, to hear me say that, because I don’t know what else to say. I am about to leave my family. I am about to leave with little warning and a lot of piss poor behavior. I admitted it later to her sister, but it was far too late. I am a stubborn bastard, and I know it. I stand by my decision, because to do otherwise, suggests that I might be in need of some intensive therapy to find out how I could have been so hurtful.
The second phrase, which I recently heard again, on the amazing, starkly realistic Showtime Series The Affair, suggests the following: Yes, you are the mother of my children, but no more. Because of that role, you deserve some yet to be defined respect and place in my life, but not a place in my bed. I have moved on, and with me, I take my emotional connection to you. I suggest that you find a way to move on as well. I know I left you three children to raise, but you are YOU. You will find a way.
You are the mother of my children… It is by some long ago physical act that put those children in your belly. I can’t explain it to you, MOMC ( Shortened Mother of My Children ), but the feelings that once allowed me to perform that act with you are no longer there. Sorry, things change. In spite of our promises to each other, I am not quite able to try to put things right.
The world makes this OK… I am now older and distinguished, but you, oh MOMC, have made your choices to be that mom, and you are so good at it, but along the way, I found that I am still attractive to women who used to be like you- hungry for a future with me. Maybe it is survival of the species… that I continue to create children, and women raise them. I don’t know. All I know is how I feel. I don’t want to hear about what’s right.
MOMC, it’s not personal. I don’t dislike you; I don’t hate you. I just can no longer see you the same way through my eyes. Every once in a while, when I see that you have made that effort again, to look special for some event for the children, I get a tugging somewhere, and I wonder if I have done something bad. I look away quickly, and hope you don’t notice the second glance I gave you.
( Don’t worry, I noticed, you piece of crap. None of this is for you; its called self respect. I may walk around the house, like the MOYC, but the world sees me differently than you do, thankfully. So, Fuck off, and look away before I cry.)
I look away, as quickly as possible, and go home to my new family, and my new child…. It’s funny. New wife says a lot of the same things about me that MOMC did when we were married. Maybe some of them are true….Maybe not. I think it’s just women and men see things differently. Strange though, she looks a little plainer than she did when we first met… maybe its because she put on a few pounds…. Well, she IS the Mother of my youngest child….
My 34 year marriage ended on Sept 16, 2013, when my husband walked out on me, without a clue that he wasn’t happy, and nothing was ever said.
He said when I told him I still loved him ” it’s not all about you”, and “I am leaving” Learning so much about him, his lack of emotions during the entire marriage was an eye opener to me, especially since i gave my heart and soul to this marriage, supported all of his dreams, goals, careers and aspirations to be “his better self”. I forgot me, and at age 57 years old, it’s truly painful that I not only gave my husband so much, but forgot who I was. My self analyses after this horrific trauma has been a work in progress, keeping a daily journal, and trying to put together a memoir about my life.
Basically, I was a “roommate with benefits” nothing more, who was neglected, not respected by him, and thrown away like I was garbage by him, without any apology nor remorse that he left me the way he did. The book, “Runaway Husbands” by Dr. Vicki Stark put it like this-it was an ampution without anesthia”, by my husband, and cannot fathom that any human being could ever infict such pain on anther, especially one who loved him, bore his children and shared many decades with.
Sudden Wife Abandonment Sydrome, as Dr. Stark calls it, totally devastes those it happens to, and takes many years to heal from. But knowing I’m a big girl now, one who is a survivor too, the healing process has already begun, and ready to move on to my next part of a much happier life without him in it. To learn how to trust another person of the opposite sex again, is another matter, but hopefully that too with be part of my healing process.
Deborah,
I completely understand how you feel, and I am very sad that you were treated badly. All we can do is learn from the experiences, and not allow them to be repeated. I think that it is also important to know that his poor behavior is a reflection on him, not you. Healing is a process; that is why I am here, to share with people like you. Thank you for sharing your own story.
~ Be strong,
Virginia
“Love after Love”
A poem by Derek Walcott
About loving yourself again after hurt, pain, and losing yourself
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
🙂
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
~Virginia