Mastering the Art of Forgiveness- Creating Useable Anger

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January 12, 2017

Capture.JPGForgiveness has been granted to those around me. I have been told that forgiveness is the path to moving forward.

To the ex-husband who cheated, and the second husband who hit me. I have forgiven the sister who told the ex-husband that the problems in the marriage were mine and mine alone. I have mastered the art of forgiveness.

What if the issue still exists?

I have forgiven everyone who has hurt me in my life. Forgiveness is the healthy way to move forward in life. I am trying to understand that. I really am. I have been told this when I sought spiritual counsel and I was given the same advice when I sought out therapy. Holding on to issues of anger is not healthy. Blood pressure increases, singular issues can morph and multiply into bigger, more serious issues.

Anger remains and prevents the healing process.

Hanging on to anger can also color the way we view others. Mr X wronged me, therefore Mr Y will wrong me too. Illogical connections such as this can prevent us from moving on when we know we should.

Forgive… Anger breeds problems. OK, forgiveness granted. I forgive you for being mean to me.I forgive you for walking out on me and the kids. I forgive. I am still dealing with the effects of your decision to leave, but sure. I am no longer angry at you. I grant you forgiveness. My life is really difficult; you are partially to blame, but I FORGIVE YOU.

I am supposed to feel better now, but I don't. The word is over used, IMO. ( In my opinion) What does it really mean to forgive? To me, it sounds as though you are releasing someone from the power that they have over you. But does that release them from the accountability as well?

I should be able to say that I have moved on, but I haven't, in all truth. Because while you are living in your new home, with your new wife and family, I am still raising the old family. In truth, only one of us has the luxury to walk away. My offering of forgiveness to you, or saying it in my head just hasn't worked for me. Maybe I really don't forgive you. I just know that I don't want anything else from you. I am not jealous. I don't want you, or what you have, but I do wish to hold you accountable because I am still dealing alone, with the choices we made together.

I am still the support structure that holds this broken family together. I am the one they turn to. I am the one who has to be there. My second chance at life is structured around the needs of others.

Maybe I really don't forgive. Maybe those feelings of anger have changed into something else. Maybe I acknowledge. I acknowledge that I am done with trying to get you to take responsibility for what happened. Maybe I have moved on to the more mature place of taking responsibility on my own. My forgiveness of you means that I no longer feel the need to make you understand what the heck has gone on here in this home while you saw fit to walk away.

I took over. I still hold you accountable for your choices, as I follow through on the ones we made together.

I became eligible to file my taxes as "Single, Head of Household". My forgiveness of you means that I am no longer holding on to my need to make you understand. I am angry that thinks went wrong, but I no longer have any hope or desire to involve you in the process of fixing it. You are released.

I acknowledge. I move on. I take responsibility. I do. I act. I no longer need you to be a part of my process of forgiveness. I no longer need you. I have a right to my feelings. My forgiveness of you is a forgiveness of failing to keep the promises you made to me and your kids. I still have a right to my feelings; I have earned them like the gray hair I work harder and harder to cover each and every month.  I have a right to my own version of forgiveness; the old one just wasn't working for me.

 

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