After a divorce, there comes a time that you may want to get involved in a serious relationship again. In fact, 75 percent of people do and decide to remarry. And, though the upside is that you meet someone and fall in love, the downside tends to be worse if you have underage children.
A whopping 66 percent of remarriages with children fail, according to the Step Family Foundation. I’m sure if you’re reading this and are considering plunging into a second marriage, you do not believe it will happen to you. I know I didn’t think so, but it did.
My second marriage ended in a divorce and it was extremely contentious for us all. When I remarried my two sons were eight and five, which would be close to the “perfect” age by all accounts, but numbers do not tell the whole story.
When reading statistics, you hear the so-called facts, but you don’t hear the whole truth. The truth is, remarrying while your children are under 18 is detrimental to their healing, your parenting and your relationship with them. That’s not to say that over age 18 becomes a magical time to remarry since there will still be struggles and growing pains, but it is far better since you will have raised them with your beliefs.
Of course, there are exceptional people that can overcome all odds. but for us mere mortals I recommend dating for fun until the kids are up and out.
For us mere mortals I recommend dating for fun until the kids are up and out of the house because remarriage with underage children can end in disaster.
1. Inherent obstacles. Second marriages with children face obstacles that first marriages don’t. First, there is the obvious that a lot more players are instantly involved — but more than that you will often be forced to change a behavior of your own or your children’s simply because your spouse has a problem with it. If you don’t “give in” to your spouse he/she will have an attitude with you and your children making the home life stressful.
2. Compromise overload. We all know that compromise and open communication are the cornerstones of any good relationship, but when you must compromise because your spouse doesn’t like how your child holds his fork or doesn’t believe you should still be making their school lunches while they are in high school, where do you draw the line? This will become a bone of contention and resentment will fester.
3. No private time. We marry because we want to be with the person we love. We want to be with him/her and get naked a lot. With young or school-aged children that can be a daunting task. This new family configuration can cause stress and tension for new spouses who need private time for intimacy and for just having fun. It’s common for newly married couples to crave time alone, but when weekends with the ex-get canceled or re-routed, it oftentimes leaves little alone time and lots of room for arguments.
4. When the ex- doesn’t feel like an ex? The constant presence of an ex, in person or in an inbox, is a dynamic unique to blended families. Couples without children typically don’t interact regularly with their partners’ former lovers. Those ghosts don’t attend sporting events and birthday parties. Regularly having to interact with an ex can cause stress for both parties, even if the overall relationships are positive. When a former relationship is high conflict, the stress grows exponentially.
5. You bought your kids more stuff. Financial issues are a big stressor for all married folks, but it is magnified 10-fold in step-families. If there are hers and his, both parents should set spending boundaries or it will get combative. If one parent gets quite a bit of child support and sees nothing wrong with splurging on high-end clothing and accessories on their children, while their step-children are getting clothes from Target, resentment will flourish. Or, if your spouse doesn’t have kids he/she may still not approve of the amount being spent on your children.
6. The kids just left and you’re already on the phone with them. If your children go with their bio-parent for a weekend or a long trip, there will be many times they will miss you and want to talk or text depending on their ages. Your spouse will be overly excited that the children are gone and it is finally time for the two of you. This is understandable, but he/she may get resentful if one of your kids feels the need to constantly call or text while they are away. How will you handle your pouting spouse and your crying child simultaneously?
7. Difficulty putting your children first. Children’s needs should come first. That holds true even if you are married to their father or mother. In intact families, the marriage must take precedence to preserve it for the sake of the family staying together happily. However, when a divorce occurs children go through a very difficult period and need to know they are the number one priority. That is not possible if their parents are self-involved in a new marriage, while their children are still needy and are underage. Sadly, new marriages can leave children feeling neglected and tossed aside.
8. Your kids don’t like him/her. If you or your spouse feel left out of conversations regarding yours/their kids, or, no matter what you do you know they do not like you, you are not alone. The arrival of a step-parent is not what your child bargained for, in fact they never asked for the divorce either. Do not expect miracles, cozy family moments, and high-fives anytime soon. In fact, you may find your new loving spouse start to get nasty and lose patience with your children since they don’t believe they deserve the treatment they are getting from your kids.
9. The punishment doesn’t always fit the crime. It’s normal for men and women to view parenting and discipline differently. Your new spouse oftentimes may not agree with your discipline style and demand that you “do something” that they want you to do to discipline your child. Are you ready to compromise on your beliefs?
10. It feels like my every action is being analyzed. Being a parent is tough under the best of circumstances, but when you bring a relative stranger into your children’s world, it tests your loyalty and your love. Your every decision will be scrutinized and analyzed by your new spouse until your head spins. You will be judged and pushed to make changes you will not be comfortable with. It will change the way you parent and your Mama Bear gene will kick in big time. The person you thought you were marrying, who you thought would be the perfect fit for your little family, will suddenly become a person you do not recognize at times.
From someone who lived it, my advice is to put your kids first until they are adults and then your life is your own. If you plan on remarrying anyway, remember it’s important to be realistic about your expectations, as well as patient and kind to one another. And remember that I warned you, those pesky resentments tend to take on a life of their own.
FAQs about Remarriage:
Will remarriage work if I have underage children?
In majority of the cases, remarriage with children does not work. According to the Step Family Foundation, a staggering 66 percent of remarriages with children fail to last. People, who decide to remarry with children, believe it will not happen to them.
Will remarriage harm my children?
Remarriage does harm children under 18 as it complicates the healing process, parenting and your relationship with them. Children over 18 may be better able to handle remarriages but you cannot say that they will not face emotional troubles.
What problems will I face if I remarry with underage children?
One of the problems relates to how your spouse will react when you or your children don’t change your behaviors after you remarry. Be ready to experience stress in your life if you don’t submit.
Do children become a source of contention in remarriage?
How you take care of your children can become a source of contention in remarriage. Where would you draw the line when your second spouse would want you to do certain things for your children in a particular way? Of course, you are used to doing those things your own way, and you have been doing them for a while now.
Can intimacy become an issue in remarriage with children?
Intimacy in remarriage does become an issue when you have children with their own needs and schedule. Occupation with children deprives new spouses of time to bond, communicate and make love. When engagement with children takes precedence over intimacy, all you are left with is stress and arguments.
Will my ex be an issue if I remarry?
Even if your ex doesn’t become an issue after your remarry, he may become a source of stress for you and your new spouse. And it becomes more complicated when you have children because of frequent interaction—be it a birthday party or a sporting event at school.
horribly biased writing. I wish more positivity and love into your life.
Absolutely ridiculous. Wait until I am in my 60s to maybe remarry because little Johnny cannot adjust. And what about two grown adults taking on responsibility of being adults in a second marriage. One missed visitation here or there to the schedule with the ex is going to ruin our private time? C’mon. And if you didnt put boundaries with your ex, thats on you. Sounds like you are projecting your own shortcomings on all of us. Everything you have mentioned can be dealt with even if its difficult. And alot of what you post happens in first marriages as well.
Hello,
I never said the issues couldn’t be dealt with, of course they can. Saying and doing, however, are two different things. And, on the difficult scale, it is high stress. But this is my belief. It is your choice to follow yours. Curious though why this made you so angry? We are allowed to have different opinions without putting the other person down. Aren’t we?
Veronica, yes it is biased based on my experience. Most writing is biased or slanted based on the person writing its’ perception. Thank you for the positive wishes. I happily have love in my life.
This a biased piece of garbage. Actually research before you give your “advice” instead of basing it on your selfish life experience.
This is very good advice that I wish my parents had followed. It was terrible bouncing from home to home and never feeling that I belonged in either of them, and especially hard trying to get used to the different parenting styles of stepparents who clearly didn’t want me around anyway. Needless to say, those subsequent marriages failed, too. At what cost? Was it really worth it?
Today I’m not on speaking terms with either of my parents, and I don’t let them have anything to do with their grandchildren either. It’s a sad situation that could’ve been prevented with a bit of patience and foresight.
I’m sorry you went through all of that, Christine. Thanks for being so level-headed about it. I wish more people would take heed of your advice.
That was my life. I was their only and they divorced and started new families. I was an outcast in both.
Thank you for writing what you probably knew would be a controversial topic. I 100% agree with you. I wish I had waited to divorce my children’s father. and I have kept my dating life private (when they are at their dads) Having them come home from a Christmas at their dad’s when their stepbrothers had many presents and my children each received one (from their grandmother) is painful and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for opening them up to such situations (I could name examples in each of your categories but will leave it at that to represent the dynamics). There are some wonderful stepparents out there and it is a thankless, difficult job. But like in adoption-if you are not up to the task-don’t take it on because all of our children-yours, mine, and ours-deserve better. I would gladly encourage the boys to call their stepmom-“mom” and encourage them to love her equally-if she ever acts like a mom and loves them as her own.
Fair enough. I understand much of what you are saying, and I’d support it wholeheartedly, as long as the divorced parents take themselves off the dating market. if their children truly come first, they should not be putting another person in a relationship that offers nothing, at least not for a long while.
You couch the new spouse as unfairly expecting to be cared for and valued, which is a perfectly appropriate desire for any human being. If there’s no room for a significant other, spouse in the happy parent-child world, then the divorced parent can feel free to live with that, and be single.
I do feel children need to see loving adult relationships. Even more so after divorce.
I do feel that your focus on your kids may a symptom of the helicopter parenting going on. There has to be a pretty unusual circumstance to justify making a 17 yo a lunch everyday. If they are taking extra classes with after school activities- maybe.
It feels as though you don’t have faith in the partner you chose (and this is very hard after divorce). Faith in that partner involves listening to their perspective of what is happening in the household- it’s their family too.
Sometimes parents can become tunnel-visioned and having the view from outside of that (if you have faith your partner has your child’s success and therefore happiness in their heart) can be very helpful with parenting.
Also remember that this person has aligned themselves with a child they did not have a say in how they were raised prior, and have to handle the behaviors established in your last relationship (not eating veggies, watching too much tv, etc). There are always ways to be a better parent/person. Not allowing a person you love who is invested in your life and joined your family to offer their observations is actually short-sighted in your part. Criticism is hard to hear- loving criticism even more so. It takes a strong belief and faith that the person criticizing is truly telling you they know you can be a better version of yourself.
All the best- everything is said without judgement. I believe everyone is doing the best they can.
I completely agree with you. Early on after my divorce, I had similar views as what is written in this article. I was afraid of putting anymore adjustment on my daughter. Now, several years later, I am happy that she is seeing me in a happy, loving relationship with someone who is kind and caring toward not just me but her as well. It is not what I planned for my life or hers, but when we are all together (me, him, his kids, my kids), it makes my heart full. We are both respectful of our places as far as kids go, but I truly feel he makes me a better parent and vice versa, because we are able to help each other see new perspectives.
The author is spot on and I wish more adults would put their child’s needs first. Too many selfish adults having children. As a adult child who experienced much of what the author speaks about, many people are just not tolerant of others children and are hypercritical because it’s not natural to take on another person seed(biologically). It’s just not how we are wired. It’s the minority that love other children as their own. The kids do suffer. I did, as well as my step siblings, my mom and stepdad were pretty miserable as well!
Hello, I appreciate what you said and I agree we are all doing the best we can. xo
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Brave article. I totally agree with both OP *and* a few of the nasty comments against OP’s view. If you’re the kind of person (majority??) who can’t pick partners who would be good for your kids (maybe you give people too much leeway, not good at spotting narcissists/abusers/manipulators, etc), then yeah, don’t bring in a new potential parent.
And to the person who said “Wait until I am in my 60s to maybe remarry because little Johnny cannot adjust.” If you’re a bad judge of character…yeah, probably. Little Johnny might be the only person keeping your butt out of the nursing home in a few years.
I tend to agree with the author here. It was quite natural to wait a year after my divorce to try dating. This article would have offended me then, too, early on when I was more hopeful about meeting someone great. But once I was dating, few came close to being individuals I would want to introduce to my son. And none ever did. Now 5 years post divorce and as my son gets older and he needs more attention focused on his education and athletics, life feels very full. While I miss the type of companionship a partner can provide, I’m very fortunate with all that I have. I wanted my son to have a happier upbringing than what both his parents experienced (volatile, unstable, anxiety-ridden environments). Through co-parenting we’ve largely achieved that, but it’s not lost on me that our current situation would become exponentially more complex if either of us were involved in serious relationships. My son is my legacy. I’m the one who didnt get marriage right the first time. My needs can wait until I’m certain he’s on the right trajectory. My hope is that he’ll be better equipped to recognize/have a healthy relationship(s) when he’s grown. Providing a loving, supportive environment is one of the best ways to lay that foundation. Desperately trying to find “mr right” certainly weakens that foundation because both endeavors requires a substantial investment of time. I’m placing my bets on my son.
My first wife cheated and left. After about a year-and-a-half of trying to reconcile with her and get her to return, she was “in love” and wanted the divorce. After a few years, I eventually was persuaded by a friend to try online dating, as I am not a barfly. I met a girl who seemed perfect and seemed to love my children and I. We got married and it was like a light switch went off. The woman who is now my wife criticizes my kids non stop. She criticizes her parents, sibling and me nonstop as well. We have a wonderful little boy together along with my 3 previous kids who are smart, funny and friendly. She has a problem with all of us. Nothing is her fault and I was pretty quiet and forgiving the first few years. I now give it right back to her. I wish to God I never remarried or dated after my divorce. My children have suffered and I can’t leave, as I made a promise to God during my vows. My word always means everything to people, I don’t lie and I can’t start now. While it’s too late for me, I want to warn others, if you have kids, dating and remarriage just shouldn’t be in your future. It stinks but it’s true
Well said.
As a child from a first marriage who’s mother put her new family first, I agree wholeheartedly with this advice. The people who disagree with it are probably parents who have put new love interests ahead of their own flesh and blood.
I disagree with this. What I would have given to have my mother re-marry. My father did and it was blissful. My mother made me her whole life and was miserable and lonely constantly forcing me to be something for her a child never should be. I could relax knowing my father was taken care of but while my friends could enjoy their time and go on trips for holidays because their parents are happily living their own life, I couldn’t because I couldn’t leave my mom alone. Now she’s too old to start a relationship new and too used to being alone to even consider the type of compromise required for a relationship. Now I’m scared she will die alone. I can’t stop living my life but I also can’t just abandon her. Too many people aren’t willing to put in the work to make a blended family work (and they can). My stepmom is a sweetheart and my half sister is my best friend. Go to couples therapy if you need to in order to figure these things out. Most don’t and then wonder why they fail or they go when the resentment is already too high to fix. Too many people aren’t willing to compromise because it’s “their kids” seriously? Was it that important to keep making your kid lunch at 17? I am seeing this now because my cousin refuses to stop having her son sleep in bed with them at 10 years old and it’s affecting her new marriage. But she’s not willing to compromise or listen to him and put her foot down. This is her own fault, not the relationships.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It helped me a lot. For one, I have the same situation with my mother. She did remarry later in life, but her husband unfortunately passed away at a fairly young age. Initially after my divorce, I was afraid to allow anyone new into my daughter’s life. I kept my dating life from her for at least a couple of years. But when I became serious with someone and introduced her to him and his kids, we quickly began to feel like a family. Now, I am glad that I brought more people to care for her and vice versa into her life because it has made her “pack” bigger so to speak and has broadened her world and taught her more about relationships in general (not just romantic in nature). She feels she has the best of both worlds, as she is technically an only child but now she has bonus siblings who are her best friends. 🙂
As i understood writer is not against remarrying. Writer only tells that you should put your kids first in your new marriage. But putting your kids first an your new marriage will be really “hard”. Surely you can choose to put “your own happiness” over your kids and put your new spouse over your own kids. But then why did you have kids? This will break the heart of your kids. My mom did not remarry after divorce. She lived as a single mom. So as her two sons we did not leave her alone. She lives with us and we have a great relation. And “not leaving our mom alone” decision did not ruin our lives. My elder brother ( 47 years old ) and i ( 44 years old ) have happy marriages with kids and we had a good life. And “science” tells that women live longer than males. So even if my mom remarried after divorce without her two sons she would finally stay alone.
Lots of triggered women on here. Lol Thank you for writing about what I have had to repeatedly learn the hard way. Sometimes I feel like I am cheating him by staying single and your words brought comfort. His Dad is constantly bouncing from one girlfriend/wife to another and I am happy I can provide him with consistency now. We are both much happier not having to deal with the things you’ve mentioned. Thank you for reminding me of all of the reasons I am doing this.
There is a lot of truth in this article. I’m a divorced dad who re-married and my new spouse & I definitely have different parenting styles. I believe that has led to some resentment all around. We’re still making it work but there have been many moments where I’ve felt like I’m being asked to choose between my new spouse & my son…and that’s not fair to anyone. We’re making it work as best we can but some days it is not easy. My son is currently in his teenage years so add that to the mix as well.
100% agree with this. I cannot believe how much divorced parents want to have their cake and eat it too.
I agree with everything in this article, except for the idea that you should always put your kids above your spouse. This is simply wrong. Your kids are a product of the love that came first- the love between their other parent and you. The new spouse should be treated as the new other half, and given the same priority and love as the first. Children benefit greatly by seeing a healthy and loving marriage- this helps them to have healthy relationships of their own in the future. Children should be taught that even though they are indeed an important element of the family unit, the world does NOT revolve around them. All parties in every family must be considerate of each other and contribute to the household. Spoiling children and giving them everything they want, not having them help around the house, and generally prioritizing them over the new spouse creates the entitled, selfish adults you see everywhere nowadays. They do not understand why the world doesn’t coddle them the way their parents did. Also, if you prioritize your children over your spouse, what’s going to be left of your marriage when the children leave?
Sounds like you had little respect for their stepfather. Talking about having to “give in” to him. Well… he was your husband. Why have such a difficult time with it?
Our son died. Our daughter in law started dating a year after that. They had a child together. My daughter in law has sent me a message to say she is planning to marry the partner she is living with this year. He is divorced with an older child. Our grandchild is 11 years old. I feel so upset that she is remarrying. I feel hurt it is like the loss again of a family member. Our son left his wife and daughter an inheritance.
I feel this new man is manipulative. She has asked me for her blessing. I don’t feel I can grant her that from my heart.
Am I a bad person? I don’t know what my granddaughter feels as she has gone very quiet lately. I cannot understand the reasoning behind the wanting to remarry. Can you help me to understand please and how should I respond please. I feel so hurt and so stressed and it brings back so many memories that I am in tears all the time. Thank you. Your responses will be really valuable to me.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your child. Second, I don’t think it’s fair to expect your daughter-in-law to remain alone for the rest of her life. She does not need your blessing, yet she asked for it anyway. Not respecting her need for love and companionship will only alienate her, which in turn could alienate your granddaughter. On that topic, kids that age do tend to start separating from family and focusing more on friends and activities, so I would not assume she’s gone quiet because she’s unhappy or anything like that. Is it also possible she senses that you are unhappy with her mother? That could be another reason for the distance. Now, if you have valid concerns about the man (you say he is manipulative), I think it’s maybe okay to voice those in a respectful manner, but don’t base your dismissal of her healing and moving on based only on the fact that the man is not your son.
I wholeheartedly agree with the assessment that divorced parents should not date or remarry with young kids. The idea of bringing a stranger into your kids life, possible abuse situations. The list is long. Yet people convince themselves that it is a good thing. I admire the parents who put their kids first. I also see a lot of separated parents hopping into dating, cohabiting right away. They have very young kids. It does not matter. People will always find a way to justify meeting their needs first.
I worry greatly about negative impacts from my ex towards my child if I were to remarry. We co-parent 50/50 well now, and I feel as though another relationship would poison that between my ex and I. She is the type of person to remain controlling towards me and I believe she would put that onto our child. I do believe it is helpful for children to view healthy relationships, but I don’t know that blow back from the ex and added pressure of step families would be worth it. If my child ends up resenting me, I’d never forgive myself.