One recurrent theme you will likely read about from many divorced couples is how they became nothing more than roommates over time. Sex was either an occasional thing or nonexistent for years. Both of those scenarios do not bode well for the longevity of a marriage since sexless marriages tend to disintegrate any chance for love to continue.
It’s safe to say that if you are in a sexless marriage you are well aware of it, though sometimes there are circumstances, or just a lot of stuff going on in our lives, that the fact that we aren’t having sex can certainly elude us. That is until you quietly creep into bed at night so as not to disturb your sleeping spouse should he/she wake up and want to have sex. In that moment, you may realize and start counting back the months, or years in some cases, how long it has been since you last had sex. About this time the realization may hit you that you are one of those couples who are in a sexless marriage.
According to Dr. Phil, there is not a magic number for the quantity of sex for a married couple that is considered “normal”, as long as the couple talks about sex and both feel satisfied. But according to a Newsweek article, back from 2003, if couples are having sex no more than 10 times a year, then that constitutes a sexless marriage.
For those of you who are not sure if you are in a sexless marriage, here are 10 signs to look out for so you can start towards fixing your marriage and sex life.
1. You aren’t having sex, or you are barely having sex. Or, you are having that special-occasion sex, like only on birthdays, holidays, vacations or anniversaries, then this would not be a good sign.
2. You and your spouse touch your phones more in an hour than you touch each other in a weeks’ time.
3. If your partner has all kind of excuses to not have sex, then that it is clearly a sign. If they are too tired, too busy, or just not in the mood most of the time, then chances are something else is going on.
4. You share the same bed, but it’s all you share. There’s no passion, no drama or fighting either. You two are like roommates living parallel lives taking care of the kids and the house. You only talk to each other when necessary and do all your confiding with your friends. Life is going steady but it feels like something is missing. Hmmm… maybe it’s SEX!?
5. For many couples, aware or not, sex becomes a weapon. It happens usually when one of the spouses is not getting what he/she wants from his/her spouse and withholds sex to punish them.
6. You never initiate sex; your partner is the one who does. This can work for a while unless or until the initiator stops initiating.
7. You are distracted by someone else or are in an emotional or physical relationship with another person. Perhaps it’s a co-worker you are interested in or maybe you reconnected with an old flame on Facebook. This can cause you to feel less invested in your marriage and less connected to your spouse and it is prohibiting you from having sexual feelings toward your spouse.
8. One of you moves into the spare bedroom because of your bad back or because your spouse snores. Very little night or morning action will occur if you are sleeping rooms apart. It’s a matter of time before you are both houses apart.
9. You’re not emotionally connected to each other anymore which can lead to unsatisfying sex whenever it does occur because emotional and sexual loving does go hand in hand. If couples don’t feel good about the relationship, in general, this is likely to be the outcome.
10. You look at your spouse with hatred and disdain and find them repulsive. This is probably the more clear cut sign of a sexless marriage and surely the most definite path to divorce.
The truth is, the less you have sex the less you want sex. So if you are in a relationship that you want to stay in and salvage then here’s a suggestion: do not wait to be in the mood; sometimes you have to just bite down, no pun intended, and do it! The longer you wait, the longer you wait. You need to find a way to reconnect again and by just doing it every week or twice a week should get the momentum started. Who knows, it may spark your libido all over again, and again!!
FAQs About A Sexless Marriage:
Could I be in a sexless marriage without knowing it?
Being in a sexless marriage is a tricky phenomenon as many people may not have a good idea that intimacy has become a thing of the past for them. From marital stressors to affairs, the reasons for a sexless marriage differ for each couple. Sometimes, sex just eludes a marriage because there is so much going on with both the spouses.
How much sex is considered normal for a married couple?
Sex just cannot be contained in a number to be considered normal for a married couple. What is important is that a couple talks about sex and feels satisfied in bed.
What is a sexless marriage?
A couple having sex less than 10 times a year is considered a sexless marriage, according to a Newsweek articles published in 2003.
Is occasional sex a sign of a healthy relationship?
If a couple confines sex to special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, it is not considered a good sign for their relationship.
Why does my spouse always make excuses to not have sex?
If your spouse has been making excuses not to have sex for a long time now, you are surely in a sexless marriage. If he says he is not in the mood or tired all the time, most likely something else is going on.
Do spouses stop having sex to punish each other?
Yes, spouses do withhold sex as punishment for the other spouse after they fail to get what they want in a relationship.
Why do I not feel sexually attracted to my spouse?
If you do not feel sexually attracted to your spouse, you may be emotionally or physically distracted by someone else. When your attention is somewhere else, you will find sexual feelings missing for your spouse.
What happens when spouses go to sleep in separate rooms?
When spouses go to sleep in separate rooms, it indicates a serious problem in your relationship. If not resolved, such problems can drive both spouses further apart.
What does hatred between spouses mean?
Where hatred and disdain reflect absence of mutual respect between a couple, it also indicates a sexless marriage heading towards divorce.
Should I wait to get in the mood to have sex?
Sometimes you just have to get in the mood instead of waiting for it to arrive before you get up, close and personal with your partner. Waiting will ultimately turn into longer delays.
As a man on an obviously woman-centric website, I know I’m going to tweak a lot of nerves here but having browsed almost every article here, I can’t find the answer to my problem. Ok, that said here we go..
My issue is that I have a deeply seated aversion to what I’ll attempt to delicately call excess body fat. I know, I’m shallow and body shaming, but I can’t get past the fact that my wife has overdrawn my ability to get past this one, monumental obstruction to our sex life. I can honestly say that I haven’t gained any appreciable weight since we were married almost 23 years ago. No, I’m not perfect. Yes I have issues too, but most of my issues stem from the frustration of not being attracted enough to my wife to make love to her.
She has always struggled with poor self esteem, the result of verbal abuse at the vocal cords of her father. When we met, it was insane, instant attraction on both sides. We have participated in the conception, birth and nurturing of 3 children and even after the 3rd, I found her attractive. Only in the past 3 years or so has it become a barrier to our sex life. I can also say that she has never, in 23 years, initiated a sexual encounter. That is from her childhood as well. While I empathize with her, I hoped that the 3 years we spent in intensive therapy would have helped, it is still a major problem.
So with the back story out of the way, here’s my issue. How can I tell her the truth about what is killing our marriage without turning her into a basket case? I don’t want to hurt her self esteem and I feel like maybe I should just get over it, but I just can’t get an erection with her. I have no problem getting an erection masturbating, or just thinking about sex even at my age of 53. I have friends that can’t perform without pharms helping. I’m very athletic, I eat a great diet, I take no pills of any kind, so it’s not physical on my part. How do I tell her gently?
Thanks for a very informative and helpful website!
Dear Arne,
I’m sorry to hear about your marital problem. Other than through counseling, I don’t think telling your wife will be beneficial. She is probably feeling bad enough about herself already. Complimenting her when she tries to look good is a first step, but she needs to want to lose the weight. Try a marriage counselor who specializes in addictions. Hopefully it helps. I wish you both much success.
when my wife says no to sex, i have been turned down by absolutely everyone in the entire world that i could have sex with.
when my wife says no to sex, i have been turned down by the one person in the world who is supposed to reliably desire me, enough so that she married me.
when my wife says no to sex, the one person who is supposed to have my back, the one person i’m supposed to be able to turn to for comfort and consolation and companionship, has just told me i’m on my own.
when my wife says no to sex, she has unilaterally made a decision, directly against my wishes, that i must go without and be celibate.
when my wife says no to sex, i learn it’s simply less painful to wait in my office until late at night when i know she’s asleep, rather than go through the humiliation of being denied again.
when my wife says no to sex, i wonder why she bothers to stay in the marriage, and all i can think of is that she wants me to support her so she doesn’t have to get a job and work to support herself.
when my wife says no to sex, i conclude that the frequent sex before marriage was just a lie, a trick.
we’ve been in counseling for almost a decade. we started recording sex on the calendar when she was in denial about just how rare it had become. she says she’s trying and thinks she’s getting better, but the numbers go steadily down every year.
it’s hard to see how there can be any outcome other than divorce. she knows how important it is, but things only ever get worse, not better. i don’t see any point in putting myself through this anymore.
I was married to a man who didn’t want sex. He said he “didn’t know what the big deal was about sex.” I NEVER would have wanted him to have sex with me against his will. He didn’t owe me sex that he wasn’t interested in having. If you expect your wife to have sex just because you want her to, then you’ve made a decision that goes directly against her wishes. Being sexually rejected by the person you thought loved and desired you is humiliating and heartbreaking. I never wondered why my ex stayed in the marriage. I did wonder why I stayed in the marriage. Maybe that’s what you should focus on instead of wondering why she stays. If you’re married to someone who isn’t on the same page as you are about intimacy in the marriage, it isn’t going to change regardless of how much therapy you have. You have a choice, learn to live with her lack of interest in sex or, leave the marriage.
you’re probably right (although maybe i think that because you’re echoing my final thoughts). divorce seems almost inevitable. i don’t see any feasible alternatives to have a healthy active sex life again.
she doesn’t owe me sex. and i don’t owe her a marriage. or at least, i don’t owe her staying in this unsatisfying marriage; it’s just not good enough, for me, to stay together. and this rift between us is over something that she not only says she enjoys, but enjoys so much that it’s literally orgasmic.
even before no-fault divorce, “denial of affection/denial of the comforts of marriage” was always grounds for divorce. you just can’t voluntarily cut the sex to almost nothing and expect an adult to accept that.
she asked me what my idea frequency would be, and i answered daily, or at least most days. missing a day once in a while happens, things come up, i understand. she accused me of lying; it was just inconceivable to her for someone to want sex every day. (before we married, of course, we had sex every night that we were together.)
our therapist asked us what kind of compromise we could live with, and i said half the time – which is not enough to really be happy with it, but not completely miserable and lonely, either. (by coincidence i read recently that the good loving feelings after sex persist for about 48 hours, so i guess i picked the right frequency for most people to be happy.) but as i said before, it just keeps getting rarer and rarer instead.
i’m not here to whine, just to confirm that, yes, sex really is THAT important, it is absolutely a reason to get divorced over. the ideal frequency is whatever keeps BOTH spouses happy. anyone who doesn’t understand that, or accept it, is unlikely to stay married. that is all.