One recurrent theme you will likely read about from many divorced couples is how they became nothing more than roommates over time. Sex was either an occasional thing or nonexistent for years. Both of those scenarios do not bode well for the longevity of a marriage since sexless marriages tend to disintegrate any chance for love to continue.
It’s safe to say that if you are in a sexless marriage you are well aware of it, though sometimes there are circumstances, or just a lot of stuff going on in our lives, that the fact that we aren’t having sex can certainly elude us. That is until you quietly creep into bed at night so as not to disturb your sleeping spouse should he/she wake up and want to have sex. In that moment, you may realize and start counting back the months, or years in some cases, how long it has been since you last had sex. About this time the realization may hit you that you are one of those couples who are in a sexless marriage.
According to Dr. Phil, there is not a magic number for the quantity of sex for a married couple that is considered “normal”, as long as the couple talks about sex and both feel satisfied. But according to a Newsweek article, back from 2003, if couples are having sex no more than 10 times a year, then that constitutes a sexless marriage.
For those of you who are not sure if you are in a sexless marriage, here are 10 signs to look out for so you can start towards fixing your marriage and sex life.
1. You aren’t having sex, or you are barely having sex. Or, you are having that special-occasion sex, like only on birthdays, holidays, vacations or anniversaries, then this would not be a good sign.
2. You and your spouse touch your phones more in an hour than you touch each other in a weeks’ time.
3. If your partner has all kind of excuses to not have sex, then that it is clearly a sign. If they are too tired, too busy, or just not in the mood most of the time, then chances are something else is going on.
4. You share the same bed, but it’s all you share. There’s no passion, no drama or fighting either. You two are like roommates living parallel lives taking care of the kids and the house. You only talk to each other when necessary and do all your confiding with your friends. Life is going steady but it feels like something is missing. Hmmm… maybe it’s SEX!?
5. For many couples, aware or not, sex becomes a weapon. It happens usually when one of the spouses is not getting what he/she wants from his/her spouse and withholds sex to punish them.
6. You never initiate sex; your partner is the one who does. This can work for a while unless or until the initiator stops initiating.
7. You are distracted by someone else or are in an emotional or physical relationship with another person. Perhaps it’s a co-worker you are interested in or maybe you reconnected with an old flame on Facebook. This can cause you to feel less invested in your marriage and less connected to your spouse and it is prohibiting you from having sexual feelings toward your spouse.
8. One of you moves into the spare bedroom because of your bad back or because your spouse snores. Very little night or morning action will occur if you are sleeping rooms apart. It’s a matter of time before you are both houses apart.
9. You’re not emotionally connected to each other anymore which can lead to unsatisfying sex whenever it does occur because emotional and sexual loving does go hand in hand. If couples don’t feel good about the relationship, in general, this is likely to be the outcome.
10. You look at your spouse with hatred and disdain and find them repulsive. This is probably the more clear cut sign of a sexless marriage and surely the most definite path to divorce.
The truth is, the less you have sex the less you want sex. So if you are in a relationship that you want to stay in and salvage then here’s a suggestion: do not wait to be in the mood; sometimes you have to just bite down, no pun intended, and do it! The longer you wait, the longer you wait. You need to find a way to reconnect again and by just doing it every week or twice a week should get the momentum started. Who knows, it may spark your libido all over again, and again!!
FAQs About A Sexless Marriage:
Could I be in a sexless marriage without knowing it?
Being in a sexless marriage is a tricky phenomenon as many people may not have a good idea that intimacy has become a thing of the past for them. From marital stressors to affairs, the reasons for a sexless marriage differ for each couple. Sometimes, sex just eludes a marriage because there is so much going on with both the spouses.
How much sex is considered normal for a married couple?
Sex just cannot be contained in a number to be considered normal for a married couple. What is important is that a couple talks about sex and feels satisfied in bed.
What is a sexless marriage?
A couple having sex less than 10 times a year is considered a sexless marriage, according to a Newsweek articles published in 2003.
Is occasional sex a sign of a healthy relationship?
If a couple confines sex to special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, it is not considered a good sign for their relationship.
Why does my spouse always make excuses to not have sex?
If your spouse has been making excuses not to have sex for a long time now, you are surely in a sexless marriage. If he says he is not in the mood or tired all the time, most likely something else is going on.
Do spouses stop having sex to punish each other?
Yes, spouses do withhold sex as punishment for the other spouse after they fail to get what they want in a relationship.
Why do I not feel sexually attracted to my spouse?
If you do not feel sexually attracted to your spouse, you may be emotionally or physically distracted by someone else. When your attention is somewhere else, you will find sexual feelings missing for your spouse.
What happens when spouses go to sleep in separate rooms?
When spouses go to sleep in separate rooms, it indicates a serious problem in your relationship. If not resolved, such problems can drive both spouses further apart.
What does hatred between spouses mean?
Where hatred and disdain reflect absence of mutual respect between a couple, it also indicates a sexless marriage heading towards divorce.
Should I wait to get in the mood to have sex?
Sometimes you just have to get in the mood instead of waiting for it to arrive before you get up, close and personal with your partner. Waiting will ultimately turn into longer delays.