We all have regrets. If someone says they don’t, don’t believe them. If you’ve been married and divorced you probably have at least one big regret.
Regret is the second-most common emotion people mention in daily life, some studies show. And it’s the most common negative emotion. We start expressing regrets at around the age of two, as soon as we’re able to articulate the concept of “If only…” And thereafter, we’re continually rewriting history in our heads instead of playing the cards in our hand. Counter-productive, right?
Not always.
Sometimes a past mistake is useful as a growth opportunity and sometimes it isn’t. The wisdom is in knowing the difference. Regret isn’t a bad thing as long as you use it to your advantage.
16 Women Share What They Regret About Their Divorce
I stayed too long.
I knew within six months of marrying him that I’d made a mistake. By then he had cheated on me twice and, blamed it on me. I internalized it all and spent the next 7 years with a serial cheater thinking he would stop if only I were more attractive, a better wife, a better cook. Thank God we never had children!
The pain my children experienced.
I knew divorce would hurt them, I had no idea how much it would hurt them. I foolishly thought that my kids would be happier if they saw me happier. I learned that they didn’t care whether I was happy or not. All they wanted was their family back together. That bullshit about kids being resilient, yeah, it’s bullshit. And buying into it cost my kids dearly.
Not preparing better financially.
After I gave birth to my daughter I remember wondering why no one told me how bad labor pains are. I wondered the same thing after my divorce about finances. I took it for granted that we could live off child support and alimony until I got back on my feet. NEVER take for granted that you’ll be awarded alimony.
I should have gotten a job and gotten on my feet financially before ever filing for divorce.
Not taking action.
He waged a custody battle that terrified me. I had lived for 12 years afraid of the man and in the end that fear caused me to lose custody of my children. I gave in and gave up custody because I didn’t have faith in myself to fight him.
Sleeping with him again.
We were great co-parents and able to find a civil place to relate to each other from after our divorce was final. This led us both to think we could be “friends with benefits.” Big Mistake! I started dating, ending that part of our relationship and he went ballistic. Needless to say, that great co-parenting relationship and civil friendship are things of the past.
Leaving because he didn’t “make me happy.”
Divorce didn’t make me happy either. In fact, nothing made me happy. I threw away a perfectly good husband and marriage because I thought it was his job to make me happy. These days I’m working on making myself happy and undoing the mistakes I’ve made.
Making rash decisions.
The divorce process was hell on earth. I blamed him for a long time but now realize that’s all on me. I changed my mind about what I wanted from one day to the next. I gave ultimatums that he couldn’t meet, hell, no one could! I was all over the place and look back and wonder how we both survived my craziness.
Not trusting my own instincts.
Signing a final decree that I knew was not in my best interest. Letting friends and family cause me to second think about every choice I was making. I’ve had to work on that trusting myself thing.
Holding onto a grudge.
He left for another woman. I was scorned and hell-bent on making them both pay. I did manage to make them miserable but, it was worse for me. I lost 4 years of my life ruminating over what they had done to me instead of living it and enjoying it.
Having an abortion.
Two weeks after I filed for divorce I found out I was pregnant. I was afraid of being a single mom. I was afraid of spending the next 18 years co-parenting with him. I was afraid of what coming from a broken family would do to the child. If I hadn’t been so afraid, I’d be holding my baby in my arms today.
Not being kinder to myself.
My guilt over leaving and breaking up my children’s family was like an albatross around my neck. I choked on. Flagellated myself over it. I spent so much time making sure that everyone else was OK that I forgot to make sure I was too.
Getting into another relationship so quickly.
God, what a mistake that was. I fooled myself into thinking I’d found the one I had always been meant to be with. I uprooted myself and moved across the country for him. Guess what, he just turned out to be another dastardly man. These days I spend time with family, friends and myself. No more thinking a man can cure my problems!
Making him and my marriage my entire life.
I’m pretty sure not having a life outside of him and the marriage is what eventually killed the relationship. I didn’t have a voice or opinion of my own. How could he not become bored with me? I mimic my mother in my marriage and in today’s world, women like my mother don’t fare well in marriage.
I didn’t take any of it seriously.
Not my marriage or my divorce. I took vows and then didn’t take them seriously. I filed for divorce and then didn’t take that seriously. It’s taken a lot of loss for me to realize life is serious shit.
The money spent on legal fees.
We both went into divorce determined to win. I don’t know what I was trying to win and if you asked, he probably doesn’t either. We blew a lot of money on lawyers and in the end, neither one of us won.
The divorce itself.
My biggest regret about my divorce is doing it in the first place. I was 43, bored, longing for something new in my life. He told me, so did my friends and family that I was going through a midlife crisis. That angered me and made me more determined to divorce. Five years later, I see they were right and that it caused me to throw away the most important things in my life…my husband, marriage, and family.
The tendency to feel regret can even be considered a virtue insofar as it represents moral sensitivity to unfortunate circumstances. And divorce IS an unfortunate circumstance. And when confronted with unfortunate circumstances if we don’t walk away with some regret, are we even human?
FAQs about Regret After Divorce:
Is feeling regret a bad sign after divorce?
Feeling regret after divorce is quite human as it’s an emotion just like any other. Regret can be associated with the tendency to be morally sensitive to an unfortunate event. People do feel regret over their divorce after investing so much in their marriages, and vowing to be together till death do them apart.
Is regret a negative emotion?
Studies show that regret is not only a negative emotion, but one of the most common in our daily lives. We begin to experience regret as early as around the age of two as we think about how things would have been better if only we had acted in a different way. It’s like getting stuck in the past instead of focusing on the myriad of possibilities in the present. .
Will alimony and child support be enough after divorce?
Alimony and child support will never be enough for you regardless of how wisely you plan on spending it. It will be a mistake to think that you can live off alimony and child support until you find a job. How can you be so sure when you don’t even know whether or not you would get alimony? Plan on getting a job before ever filing for divorce.
Is life outside marriage important?
It’s important to have life outside marriage as well as an independent voice and opinion. Many marriages end because one fails to value the concept of socializing, doing what one likes and taking time out just for one’s self.
Can midlife crisis lead to divorce?
Midlife crisis does lead to divorce when we fail to understand what we are really going through. Marital stressors coupled with the conflict within ourselves has made many people file for divorce—a decision they later regret.
other than the first one (“i stayed too long”), the common thread running through most of these is “divorce turned out to be much worse than i had anticipated.”
Well, it’s no walk in the park, that’s for sure. Sometimes you have to swim through a high tide to get to where you want to be.
This thread misses the mist obvious regret. I should have left him the first time he assaulted me.
Most women don’t, Beth. There is a lot of that regret going on!
I regret ignoring the obvious signs before I married-his ex’s were always in the wrong being number one red flag. The other is ignoring the constant inner turmoil I felt-I should have investigated and consequently because I did not, stayed too long. The verbal put-downs, another huge red flag. Putting his needs first……big mistake. As far as the divorce-I did that great. I was decisive; found a good attorney; a good therapist; set realistic expectations to the end result; educated myself; got a good job; got everything financially I wanted. Set my own narrative and held my head high.
I ended up divorcing my ex because he cheated. I regret that somehow I couldn’t have foreseen this would happen. There was no foreseeing through all the love-bombing going on. In my younger and more insecure days, I thought this was real unconditional love. I would also caution women to beware marrying someone with a bad temper. It will make your life miserable.
After more than 2 decades of marriage (and in my 50s) I’m contemplating divorce. Tried couples counseling, ended up fighting at almost every session. My husband is very passive and unable to open his heart. I find myself feeling angry at him all the time because I feel cheated out of a close, marital relationship. I’m the only one driving this marriage…he’s just a passenger. Would I regret a divorce and the financial hardship that will inevitably come with it? Is it worth remaining in such a marriage?
Pam, that is a good question and one I have been contemplating myself for a while. I have also been married for more than two decades and my wife while not passive, struggles with with being able to open up her heart. We have been to counseling separately and together, most recently for the past three years with the same counselor.
Not knowing all of your circumstances it is hard to say if it is worth staying in your marriage. Only you can make that decision, but it is worth looking for the best support in trying to decide. In my case there were multiple mitigating factors in our marriage that brought us to this point, infidelity, depression,, a family history of keeping emotions inside as well as major life events that happen at our age. All of this led me to read everything I could on these topics. For what it is worth this is what I found out.
Marriage counselors are not always very good. We went through a couple before finding someone who was trained and experienced. I would suggest someone trained in Susan Johnson’s “Emotional Focused Therapy” or in John Gottman’s marriage therapy. Both approaches are research based and have had good success with couples.
Read. I have consumed more literature in the past six years than I have in the previous 50. The books that I found the most helpful were Dr. Jed Diamond’s “The Enlightened Marriage, Emily Nagoski’s ” Come as You Are”, Susan David’s “Emotional Agility” and Susan Johnson’s “Hold Me Tight”.
There are five stages of marriage and we are both in stage three. Stage three really sucks! According to Dr. Jed Diamond most couples give up in stage three because it is so damn hard and painful. He also says that if you can work through stage three the last two stages are worth fighting for. It has not been easy for me but I am still fighting through stage three. I don’t know if my wife and I will make it through, but I will not have regrets for trying.
Lastly you need to ask yourself if you fear divorce because of the financial hardship and stigma that it may bring or if you fear divorce because you still love your husband. If it is not for love than it may be time.
Excellent comment, Jeff! Don’t you want to come write for DivorcedMoms?
As a husband whose lovely wife recently left the marriage (reiterating to me that there’s no more “us”) to get to know herself, Jeff’s reference to EFT is on-point!!! Ironically, my wife learned about Sue Johnson’s work but concluded, sadly yet honestly, that she doesn’t have the emotional energy to put in the work. I’d encourage all couples to visit https://iceeft.com/ and consider attending a 2-day Hold Me Tight retreat. Although I’ve not had the opportunity to participate in one, from what I’ve researched, I’m a believer of the evidence-based approach.
Also, Jeff, thx for sharing Dr. Diamond’s book. I’m unfamiliar but will check out should I remarry…which I would definitely not rule out!! I hope your wife softens her heart and that your love and patience over the years may help her do so.