I recently went out with a “Harvard-trained sweet, caring, confident and generous man with a terrific and adorable sense of humor” (from his JDate.com profile essay). He had listed his marital status as divorced. As soon as we began sipping our lattes, he revealed that he was newly separated. His “amazing, brilliant” therapist had encouraged him to date right away. What?? First of all, I don’t date separated men, so thanks dude for misrepresenting yourself. Second, what kind of therapist encourages her patient to date before the divorce is final?
My date may have been in a lousy relationship with no sex for many years. That can feel very lonely. I get it. Been there, done that. But I feel that you should wait to date until the divorce papers are signed AND you’ve done some preliminary work. I’ll talk about that in a minute.
Let’s get back to the “Separated-posing-as-divorced” guy. He did not get a second date with me. I don’t want to be the woman with whom he makes all his mistakes. And he made plenty in the short time between first email and first date.
First email:
“I was completely taken by your profile and photo. I’ll be in NY this weekend and you can join me in my Grand Tier Box viewing Madame Butterfly at the Met on friday night or meet quickly for coffee or a drink some other time this weekend.”
Um…I don’t know you and you’re inviting me to box seats at the opera? You don’t invite a stranger to the opera in a first email. You haven’t even spoken to me yet. What if I were an axe murderer? Awkward sitting next to a serial killer for a few hours at the opera! Okay, so I’m not an axe murderer and neither are most people online, but you need to take it slow and build some rapport before asking a woman to the opera. It’s easy to fall for “potential”. When I first started dating after divorce, I had waited two years, but I still did my share of projecting all kinds of incredible qualities on a man before a first date. Inevitably, this almost always led to total and absolute disappointment. Who can live up to that type of expectation?
First date:
After I nixed the opera, we scaled it back quite a bit. We met at dinnertime at a trendy Italian restaurant, and had planned for a coffee date. He asked if I was hungry. I said yes. He said he had a big lunch and only wanted coffee and gave the menus back to the waiter. What??
Did I mention that he was 20-minutes late and didn’t apologize? Oh, and then he started giving me medical advice because he “cared” about me. No, thank you. This is why it’s important to make sure you do these 3 things before dating.
3 Things to Do Before Dating After Divorce:
1. Figure out what you want in a partner. If you haven’t already done this, write a dream list of your ideal partner. Who is he? What qualities would you like him to have? What will he look like? How will you feel with him? Once you know what you must have and must not have in a future relationship, you’ll date with more clarity.
2. Ditch the ex anger. If you’ve been on a date with an ex-basher, you know how draining it can be. Make sure you’ve let go of any residual anger before dating. That negative energy will repel a good guy from asking you out again.
3. Get excited about dating. If you are approaching dating like a root canal, your dates will be as lackluster as your attitude. Get excited about the possibility of finding love with a fabulous partner. They exist, but you’ll only find him if you have a positive attitude.
After you’ve completed these 3 steps, get out there and date. You’ll make mistakes along the way, but that’s how you learn. Track your learning by keeping a dating journal. Each date is your teacher, and one lucky guy will be the one who clicks with you. And let me know how it goes. I want you to find love again!
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Very smart advice here to think about BEFORE dating after divorce. I find that many men I’ve dated online that classify themselves as divorced are actually still separated, or right off the courthouse steps and haven’t done their ME work!
I’ve learned it’s esential to ask directly how long it has been since their divorce decree was finalized before going out with them. And do some background checking to be sure.
Hi Nancy,
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Yes, it’s true that many people dating online fudge their single status. I used to think it was my job to let a man know that he wasn’t ready to date. Unsolicited advice is rarely well received. Especially from a dating coach!
Instead, I recommend that people dating online or offline get clear about their relationship standards. If you’re looking for a serious relationship with someone who is emotionally available, you need to get used to the magic four-letter word: NEXT!
I also want to stress that it’s important to not make huge assumptions in dating. Some separated men are truly physically and emotionally separated, but never divorced because of complex financial reasons. Some men who have been divorced for many years are not emotionally available either. And some men who are newly widowed have been in a dysfunctional marriage and are ready to commit to a new relationship.
Someone I know went on a date with a man who was separated by accident. She misread his profile. When he told her his relationship status, she let him know that she has a policy of not dating separated men. He told her he hadn’t bothered getting a divorce, because he didn’t see himself ever getting married again. Long story short, they are happily married. He fell in love with her, she fell in love with him, and the rest is history.
So be cautious, but don’t rule all men out because they’re separated or newly widowed. Know your own relationship must-haves and get to know men on a per person basis.
And remember to have fun on the journey. Dating is an adventure!
I am new to dating now ever since my husband of 33 years walked out on me in September 2013, While it’s only beeen 9 months since he left, I feel I want to eventurally meet someone with whom I can have a relaxing relationship with:& enjoy each other’s company, I haven’t dated since 1979, and am now 56 years old, I have joined 4 online dating sites, but quickly ended them because I found the men my age-rude, crewd, disrespectful of me, and women in general, and sex fanatics, The men who are on these online dating sites look like they have been “road hard and put away wet”, beat up, out of shape pysically, with pot bellies, scruffy beards, and look like my grandfather in age,
While I’m not a model or anything, I do keep my figure and appearane up, At 56 years old, I am energetic enough, smart enough and polite enough for most men who can carry on a decent conversation, but not sure where to meet them either. I feel that I will just probably meet someone while I am doing what I like to do, and then can go from there, I am a bit afraid that these men have too many “issues” similar to the one that left me, who is living in a big rig truck, who is socially and emotionally stunted, who is egotistical, a narcasist, unable to connect with someone like me who gives so much of herself to others-like most women I know.
From what I have read recently after my husband left in a book by Dr. Vicki Stark, author of “Runaway Husbands” she said it’s going to take many years of healing, and being alone, finding out who “you are” again, to finally be read to date again. I was married to one person for 33 years, so for every 5 years I was married, it’s going to take me 6 years to get over the pain of him leaving me, I’m not sure I want to wait that long, because I want to trust someone of the opposite sex again, to like them and want to be with them.
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Deborah,
Sorry for the late response, but I just saw your comment on my article. It’s painful when the man you love walks out on you. And while it does take time to heal, I don’t believe there’s a hard and fast rule for how many years it takes to become ready to date again. It’s not just a matter of time. It’s a matter of the type of inner work you do to heal. I work with women on rebuilding self-esteem through exercises, learning what makes you happy, and taking a look at limiting beliefs you have about yourself and men, and becoming stronger in your boundaries and more clear with your values. That’s how you learn to trust men again. In most cases, it takes about a year, not 6.
Best of luck to you!
Find out what i want in a partner:
I will do this tonight. I have some ideas but this seems like it will be a list that will grow as I begin to date. I kinda feel like a kid again. Haven’t dated in 18+ years. (I am a 37 year old man – separated Sept 2013, divorced as of Feb 14)The ex was the ONLY girl I ever dated. EVER. I am looking forward to meeting new people and listening with my newly rediscovered listening skills. It will still be fun meeting people and having fun again. Because I have been able to ……
Ditch the EX anger.
I seemed to have finalized this yesterday 10-29-14. Lol (been working on this for over a year now, but yesterday was a turning point)- after my Ex married her boyfriend of less than a year. I do not feel responsible for her bad decisions anymore. I have been told by many others that after the divorce was final that she was not my problem, but I still felt responsible for her since she decided to keep my last name. I even asked her to drop it, but I guess that cashing those child support checks were easier for her if she kept my name.
All the while dating her adulterous boyfriend (now husband) which is who she married last Friday, 10-24-14, a little over a year after she left me for him and only 8 months since the ink was dry on the divorce paperwork. Now that she is married (after a brief 2 week engagement) with NO friends or family attending the wedding, I feel I can breathe and be happy again. Be happy, something I have never truly been while single. I was happy after a short chase to get my now ex, but I never knew happiness as a single man before. Now with 18 years of experience and major brain surgery, 3 major strokes (due to an uncurable brain illness i still have) and helping my deaf child to hear thru 2 cochlear implants under my belt, and 1 year as a single adult, I am looking forward to many many years of happiness!! (being single or relationship, either one where i can be happy is fine with me). Wow I hope there is no points deducted for run on sentences. lol
SIDE NOTE Here: After an exciting video series on marriage (last night was on conflict and forgiveness) at Wednesday night church (10-29-14) I felt the need to let the anger go. Reflections of her actions after this point fall to her new husband. NOT ME!! Her actions will NEVER reflect poorly on me again.
That all being said, I finally know what it means to forgive. Forgive the EX and her last year’s (2013-2014) treatment of me and our girls, forgive our total (17 year) past together, the conflicts that I didn’t handle very well. But most importantly I have been able to forgive MYSELF. For all the decisions that I made that led up to the disintegration of our family. However, if what I have been reading rings true, I see what she has done as a “quick fix” to her missing true intimacy from me over these years of my illness and withdrawal from her and myself, etc.
Final thought here, I slept better last night than I have in YEARS. I pray this continues for a long time to come.
This website and articles have been a true help to my healing thru this time. Thank you Cleo and all the contributers to this website. I have recommened this website to everyone I thought it might help. It was truly a Godsend that I found this site.
Sincerely,
Jerry
Jerry,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. So glad to hear you’ve learned to forgive your ex and yourself. That is AWESOME! Now you can finally let go and eventually find a wonderful partner who loves and appreciates and respects you for who you are.
Sandy