In general, society looks at the other woman as being the responsible party in an affair. It’s understandable that they become the target for the rage and anger the deceived spouse feels.
Blaming the other woman keeps us from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage and our own feelings, so we like to pretend that if it hadn’t been for that other person there would have never been an affair.
Problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different “other” person.
How you handle the fact that there is another woman has a great deal to do with whether or not you end up in divorce court or, are able to save your marriage. I have a few suggestions that will help save your sanity and possibly your marriage.
4 Healthy Ways to View The Other Woman
Don’t Make The Other Woman More Important Than They Are
She happened to be in the right spot at the right time. She is nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for that person in particular. She is not superior to you, she is simply different from you. You are the wife, all she is is a distraction or an addiction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.
The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those problems.
And, please know that does not shift responsibility for your spouse’s affair to you. In most cases, there are marital problems that lead a spouse to cheat. These could be problems you are aware of, they could be problems you are unaware of. The bottom line is this, a cheating spouse is choosing to find solutions to problems in a destructive manner instead of a productive manner.
What you need to do, if you wish to save your marriage, is focus on what is more likely to do that instead of following your spouse’s example of behaving destructively instead of constructively.
See The Relationship For What It Really Is
The relationship with the other woman is an intoxicating fantasy relationship with no foundation but lies and dishonesty. She is showing your spouse only her best side, she is being all she can be to your spouse and all she believes your spouse needs.
No one can carry on that kind act for long. Her true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When she starts making demands of your spouse, clinging and attempting to control the course of the affair the fantasy will wear off and your spouse will see them for who they really are…someone who has sex with another person’s husband.
An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of his role as husband and the restrictions it brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience, most affairs go down in flames.
She Is Not A Reality, She Is An Illusion
Your spouse may see her as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family and marital problems.
In the end, they discover that all the old burdens and issues that came along with the marriage are the same, the only difference is, the person they feel responsible to is different. The only thing that changed was the players, not the game. Even if your marriage ends in divorce and your spouse chooses the other women you can bet, given time, reality will hit hard.
Don’t Internalize Your Feelings
When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Don’t allow the actions of an unfaithful spouse cause you to feel shame or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self-loathing and anxiety. Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful spouse, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies.
Plus, they say that living well is the best revenge and, you certainly want to get revenge—in a manner that helps you heal instead of causing you more pain.
My ex started using drugs and then got involved with a woman who also did drugs. I was the person who always believed the best in him, and had grown to expect it. Now, he was disappointing me continuously and I was frustrated and angry. The other woman thought that doing drugs was just dandy and he went to her because she accepted and encouraged his new behavior and attitude. I made him feel bad about himself, she made him feel good. No wonder her chose her.
Actually, he chose the drugs, she just made it easier for him. It’s funny but at the time I knew she was never the threat. His addiction was. I was furious at him, and at myself for not leaving him first. I had a very interesting conversation with my therapist at the time. She told me that even though it felt personal, it really wasn’t. He would have done the same thing to any woman he was married to. In his case it was because of his addiction, but over the years I’ve seen adulterers leave multiple relationships, one after the other. It’s obvious the problem wasn’t the spouse, the guy just couldn’t keep it in his pants.
Cheating has nothing to do with a bad marriage or a good marriage or problems in a marriage, etc. Cheaters are always cheaters/users in all – personal relationships, business, finances, etc. They are emotional manipulators who need a codependent to attain what they want. For awhile it can be wife#1, then wife #2, their various jobs/employers, lovers and friends. We grieve for what we thought we had, not what it truly was.Heal the relationship with yourself and put the ex in a void of nothingness where they belong.
Excellent reply Janiece.
It takes two to make a marriage successful, it takes only one person to destroy it and that other person is not another woman or man, it’s the cheating partner/spouse. Who cares about the other woman, or man? This article feels like click-bait, peddling a viewpoint that will generate reactions but is not helpful at all. Trying to ‘save a mariage’ when married to a cheater is asking for years of abuse. Do yourselves a favor if/when you find out you’ve been cheated on and go to Chumplady.com. There you will find advice on how to deal with it all. Run away from the nonsense in this article.
My partner of 13 years told me in January just after the holidays that our relationship was over. He had no problem telling me the demise of us was all my fault. I sat there crying and taking it all on my shoulders as usual and admitted where I had gone wrong or failed. When I said to him that it really bothered me that he accepted no accountability whatsoever for his role in the relationship or why I might have pulled away from him he said, “of course I don’t think I’m at fault.” Our relationship was always built upon me conforming to him and walking on eggshells so as to not upset him. The relationship really started to decline when I began to have a voice for myself. I went back to college and for once in my life, I put myself first. When I asked him when he decided he no longer loved me, he said it was when I started to go back to school and think about my career instead of being so hyper focused on his needs.
Leading up to his ending our relationship he was staying out every night, working long hours and had grown increasingly distant. I confronted him for two days about whether or not he was with someone else. I knew he was. And in my gut, I knew who he was with too. Finally he admitted that yes, he was having an affair and that it was exactly who I thought it was with – one of his direct reports at work and someone who I stupidly considered a friend. See the ex brought her home into our lives, we spent weekends hanging out together, going out to dinner, and I even tried to help her get a job at the company I worked for. Hell, she even slept in my daughter’s bed when she came to visit us on weekends. One day specifically we were out having beers and talking about how hard it is to be a woman in the workforce, that you’re viewed as a threat by other women sometimes and that men will tread carefully when working around them due to jealousy or fear of office gossip. She said, “I’m glad you’re not threatened by my friendship with “**********.”
But, I was the fool. I was double betrayed by my man and by my friend. So, I will react exactly as I choose toward the other woman. She knew me. Knew my family. Spent time with us a couple, knew I was committed. She knew exactly what kind of damage she was helping to inflict when she entered into an affair. I was no stranger. She had no problem doing what she did. We all work in the same small industry where what they did will follow me around forever. She’s not even 30 years old and has zero concept of remorse about what she did. She routinely posts passive aggressive comments on her facebook page geared toward me or that she was a mistress. Meanwhile I’ve kept my mouth shut. Told almost no one why my relationship has come to a close. I haven’t even told my family because I’m such an idiot that I would try to preserve my ex’s reputation among the people we know even while I feel completely destroyed and like a loser. So, I view the other woman exactly as she is in my case: a liar and a whore. They deserve each other.