In the nine years I’ve been divorced, online dating has been my sanctuary. I’ve been on Match.com, OKCupid and Plenty of Fish, just to name a few. It’s been a roller coaster for a lot of different reasons and in a lot of different ways. People don’t look like their pictures. I get a lot of catfish. Everyone likes to go out and stay in, this being an earth shattering thing apparently. I know what you’re thinking, ‘join the club!’. Well, don’t mind if I do. And whilst I pay my club dues and RSVP for the annual online singles convention in Skokie, Illinois, I will be sure to polish up my induction speech.
I will talk about my favorite breakup songs, the worst first date story and those two pesky questions I get that most people probably don’t.
Question 1: How is it that a relationship coach is single and on a dating site?
Answer: The fact that I’m good at reading people and helping people figure out who they are and who they are not, among other things, has absolutely nothing to do with how difficult or easy it is to find someone I connect with. And since I am single, I choose online dating over bars and Whole Foods fraternization.
Question 2: Why does your desired age range only go five years younger than you but 10 years older?
Answer: Because, generally speaking, I prefer dating older women.
Question 1 can really throw people off until I explain myself fully but question 2 draws a lot more questions, some annoyances and some applause. None of this is required of course since my preferences have nothing to do with anything except the chemistry I have with people. And by the way, you can’t invent chemistry.
People make assumptions that I simply like to chase cougars. They’ll make assumptions that it’s all about the idea that older women must have more money and thus I’m dating them in the hopes of getting some inheritance whilst I sleep with younger women on the side. My favorite is the presumption that I had or have mommy issues that I can’t let go of. So, once and for all, I will open myself up to the world by explaining, in the most rational way I can, why I prefer to date older women. And before you crucify me, I will admit a couple things:
- I am making generalizations on both sides of the age spectrum. Got it. Thanks for letting me know.
- I am making generalizations on both sides of the age spectrum. Got it. Thanks for letting me know.
- Yes, I do realize that I just said the same thing twice. I did it for effect. I hope it worked.
1. I like experience and no, I don’t mean some ‘Graduate’ experience like that which Dustin Hoffman got from Anne Bancroft. I mean the experience that comes from having lived through difficult situations and coming out strong on the other side. Simply put, I’d rather not date someone that has lived in a bubble or always walked the yellow brick road.
2. I like true confidence and, in my experience, women get wholly confident as they age. This is largely because they’ve lived through doubt and self-image issues before coming to the conclusion that they are who they are and people can take them or leave them.
3. Susan Sarandon and Sigourney Weaver. And Julia Louise Dreyfuss. And Dana Delaney in Tombstone. And Geena Davis. And Tajari Henson. And Alfre Woodard. Need I go on?
4. I want to age with my partner and not away from my partner. Put a different way, when it comes to livelihood and things in the bedroom, among other things, women age slower than men. As such, dating someone older means, to me, that we will be on the same wavelength in a lot of areas as we get older together. I will fully admit I get skeptical about a 54 year-old man being able to keep up with a 42 year-old woman that he’s been married to for 10 years. And I say this as a man that also believes you’re only as old as you think you are. I’m conflicted with Reason 4 but my head and my heart are here more often than not.
Now, I’d like to do a slight of hand, mainly so that I may escape this article unscathed, by ‘virtually’ playing one of the best songs in the entire world as sung by my favorite female singer-songwriter who just happens to be younger than me.
‘Ne Me Quitte Pas’ by Regina Spektor
Enjoy!
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- On Being Sexy: How Old Is Too Old?
- How I Became a Strong, Sexy and Confident Woman After Divorce
- 10 Tips: Bringing Sexy Back For Newly Divorced Moms
- Finding Sexy At 47. My Boudoir Photography Shoot
photo credit: Yawning puma via photopin (license)
Thank you Chris for such a humble statement about dating older women.
I am 57 years old, petite, weigh 109 lbs soaking wet,dress nicely, do my hair and makeup every day, never go out looking like I just crawled out of bed, or wering my PJ’s and bedroom slippers out, even to the grocery store. After my husband of 34 years walked out of our marriage and me 18 months ago, I thought maybe I would try online dating since I heard this was the “new age” way to date. But time and time again, 5 dating sites later, not only won’t I ever go this route agan, but am finding most of the men my age look beat up, beat down, out of shape, and have nothing to say, or are so into themselves and their new toys, and such, that dating someone my age is not something I am relishing doing soon.
I do have life experiences that most woman haven’t done, like being in the military (Navy for 10 years-both Active and Naval Reserve), I lived in Israel on Kibbutz Ruhama in the Negec in 1974, and just recently on January 20th found out I was adopted, and my adoptive parents never told me and took their secret with them to their graves. Stunning news-Yes? I have owned a Mr. Handyman Francshise, gone to cosmetolgy school and worked as a hariir dresser, and worked in my husband’s real estate brokerage also , doing mostly short sales, but some retail sales too.
What I find is most men my age bracket (55-65 years old) , are boring, lack life and luster, stopped caring about their appearance, yet they wnt the women they date to look like a doll, or trophy woman. Not going theire, and never want to feel used either. What I do like are well mannered, polite, and men who have a spark in their eyes, energy too, and want to do many more things too, not just sit around drinking beer or watching sports on the living room sofa.
Thank you again for your article, and no I don’t want to be typed as a cougar, but will always look at a mcuh younger man and think to myself….. maybe:-)
Deborah–A year later and I’m very curious. Are you dating a younger man yet?