I have finally learned to love and accept myself. To cherish value and respect who I am. What a journey it has been! Still is. I am truly looking forward to the next chapter.
No this is not going to be one of those sarcastic, bitter, angry slurs from a first wife. This is a genuine, heartfelt thank you to my ex, or perhaps I should say to my divorce. The once painful occurrence in my life, which was not planned or asked for, but which arrived. Divorce arrived like an unwelcome guest and I had to open the door to it and let it happen. It stayed and lingered long after the ink was dry on the agreement and the magistrate had said his peace and declared the marriage dissolved.
However, I have realised that four years later it is time to thank the universe for this lesson, to accept that it was in the cards for me all along, and to embrace the teachings that came with it. To accept that I am now an ex-wife and that this too has passed. I am still standing.
See the thing is, I have realised that if it was not for my history with my ex-husband, my marriage that ended, I would not be half the woman I am today. Yes I know I can hear my mother saying: “One should not let another person shape you or determine your fate, you should know, love and accept yourself and not leave this in the hands of another”. Call me weak but I entered my relationship with my ex, not loving or accepting myself, doubting myself and my abilities and carrying bags and bags of very heavy baggage.
So here is why with all my flaws, I am thankful for my marriage, for my ex-husband and ultimately for my divorce:
1. I have two beautiful, amazing children, so at one stage of my marriage, I loved my ex-husband enough to create these two awesome beings with him and now when I look at them, I am thankful that I was chosen to be their mom, I was entrusted with their lives and their love. I was allowed me to be part of these miracles that I call my son and my daughter.
2. I thank my ex-husband also for leaving when he realised he was not “into” the marriage any longer. The day he asked for a divorce, my heart broke and I felt as if my soul would never heal again. I now realise that the pain and fear that I felt in that moment was the jet fuel I needed to get me where I am today: I now own and drive a car, do my own budget and earn my own money, make decisions and accept responsibility for them, I explore and allow myself to be guided by what I love, need, am passionate about. The past four years I have experienced growth beyond measure. Yes, I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom, but if it was not for that kick-the-beautiful-behind called divorce I would have missed out on so many other wonderful experiences, missed out on meeting some pretty awesome people and sharing in their stories…and missed out on finding myself and my inner strength.
Finally, I am grateful for this lesson called divorced as it taught me what love should look like and what not. And yes, through the pain and tears and gut-wrenching really low moments, I have finally learned to love and accept myself. To cherish value and respect who I am. What a journey it has been! Still is. I am truly looking forward to the next chapter.
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Veronica thank you for sharing your story. I’m on that stage of my life now. ( or need to be or trying to be)
I was with my ex 18 years married for 8. Separated for 5 and my twin girls are 4. (Yes crazy story behind that) and my divorce just went through 2 months ago. High conflict high custody .
I’ve been trying to appreciate all that I have today. My true gifts, my girls. Everyday it’s like a conscious effort to appreciate and be thankful. My mind isn’t all there but my heart knows it’s time. The woman I am today completely different pre-divorce. Happy funny and rough around the edges.
My question is how do you completely transform ?appreciate and be thankful for everything without going through a pitty party or a rabbit hole.
But one thing I’m very thankful for and appreciate my ex for the divorce. I’m free to love my girls and our course myself. Being with a sociopath narcissist, loving him is the only option I had. They have all my attention, I have time to love me! we don’t have walk on egg shells or wonder what personality was going to walk through my front door. Now it’s just us and my multi personality old cat. And I’m so grateful for that!!!
Hi Mari
Thank you for the comment – and for sharing a bit of your story as well. You asked how do you completely “transform” – my answer, and I am not specialist in this area – so this is based on experience: you do not transform. You take the good lessons and the bad lessons as use it to equip you for the next chapter (almost like super divorced mom protective gear). You know know what a sociopath narcissist looks like now – so chances of you falling for another one, is kinda slim huh? That is what I mean about taking these lessons and these experiences and using them to create a better world and future for you and your girls.
As for avoiding the rabbit hole/pity party: do not avoid it: what I did after my divorce (and for a few years after that) was allowed myself at least one hour on a bad day to just wallow…to get right to my pain, to cry, to mourn (normally did this when the kids were fast asleep) but as sound as my alarm buzzer sounded that the hour was over, I told myself its over, time to knuckle down and move on, not only for my own sanity but for my kids as well. Eventually I did not even need special “rabbit hole” time…it just vanished without me noticing, it got better. Some nights I would even use my “wallow hour” to update my gratitude journal…slowly the good replaced the bad.
Best of luck to you and your girls – its sounds as if you are doing an amazing job already.
Thank you for responding really!!
Maybe I should use the word transition. With all drama that happen I don’t think nor it’s easy to transform. I wish into some robot to back me up when dealing with my ex in court! Haha
I wish we could make a super hero shield for pre and post divorce then pass it to the next women who need it.
I noticed that people who don’t know about high conflict divorce not much empathy to encourage crying. Friends, family, attorney even my ass of an ex telling me I need to move on to stop crying. Unfortunately I couldn’t get my crying aka “wallow hour” on check. Now I cry in my room, like you with kids sleeping. When does it stop Veronica ? I feel that a lone takes my energy. He has taken 15+ years of my life. But the minute I feel free free from him and his family they come up with something else.
Thank you for your advice you might not be a professional like therapist but to me you are the real deal. So when u talk I know you’ve experience some of my experiences. U really get it.
Looking forward to your post.
God bless you and your kids!✌
Ps
I love Cape Town I was there 2010 World Cup