I have always understood male relationships more than female and have two male best friends who I love dearly and who love me just as much.
This also makes me the kind of woman who should not believe in love at first sight. I always thought anyone who subscribed to the notion of butterflies and sparks was just delusional. I am more practical and rational than that.
My little world was turned upside down about a year and a half ago. On the first day at a new job, I was just settling in and learning the ropes. Everyone was very nice and I made all the usual small talk. Then… out of nowhere…in walked 40. Something in my body woke up. It was like I knew to pay attention to this person without realizing that was what was happening. I found myself staring and smiling. I introduced myself and we locked eyes. I tell him all the time it was because of how he looked at me. He looked at me like he had known me his whole life…and like I was magic.
Love, at first sight, is still a little strong of a description for what I think occurred. I consider it more connection at first sight. I knew he would be important. I knew there was something magnetic between us. I felt myself become aware he was near me before I even looked up. I still have that reaction to his presence. It’s like there is actual heat coming off of him that only I can feel. It is powerful and it is the most genuine love I have ever experienced.
It is hard to imagine you could feel this kind of love after a divorce. You become very critical of love, and I was jaded long before my marriage failed. I would have laughed at this story had I heard it from a friend. I thought I had a firm grasp on who I was and what I wanted out of the next relationship. I didn’t even consider the possibility of this kind of overwhelming, consuming, passionate love. It is the stuff of love songs and terrible chick flicks and I am sometimes embarrassed by my schoolgirl-like crush on him even after all this time.
The same male best friends I’ve loved all these years give me a hard time for having softened. They see this version of the woman they’ve known to be “one of the guys” and they don’t know what to make of the change. I think at times I embrace the romance he has brought to my life, and sometimes I miss the simplicity of not having the emotions that come along with such a powerful love. There is a whole new set of worries now that I am truly and completely emotionally invested in this relationship. I was married to a man who never felt strong emotions about anything so I have found myself struggling with how to react to his outpouring of love for me.
Our love is the kind of love I want to hold on to forever but sadly I am also very aware, having been through a divorce, of how easy it can be to look up and not know the person you are with anymore. I don’t want to lose this love or passion and it is frightening for both of us to think of a life without the other. It makes me feel dependent at times and I am NOT a girl who likes depending on a man. However, I can’t let that hold me back from what could be a great love story. I have to trust that there is a reason he stopped me in my tracks and had me speechless just from a simple “hi”.
To women who may think it isn’t possible to experience love at first sight, I feel ya. I don’t know that I consciously loved him at first sight but I think I loved him without realizing that was what I was feeling. It still feels crazy at times. My whole body warms at the sound of his voice. If he locks eyes with me, it doesn’t matter where we are, I still blush. The bigness of our love scares me. The fact that he made me believe in love, at first sight, scares me. But I want to keep being scared for the rest of my life.