Has your marriage cooled off to the point of you having hallway sex – that is, when you pass each other in the hallway and utter Fuck You? When your eyes lock on his face, do you question your sanity, thinking, “What did I ever see in him?” There’s so much animosity built up between you and your husband that you cuss each other when you pass in the hallway. Do you sleep on the far edges of the bed facing the wall or in separate bedrooms? Those of you nodding your heads know how miserable the situation is. My marriage lasted 14 years, five of which were sexless. There are many reasons a marriage can become sexless. Some of which are:
1. PRIORITIES. He would rather watch TV then spend time cuddling. You walk through the room naked and he doesn’t notice because he’s watching his favorite show, football or even wrestling. Really??? How insulting is that… he’s watching wrestling… a fake sport? Maybe you get sick of being ignored and become addicted to chatting online to make up for your loneliness. Been there done that. I speak from experience. It gets worse. Read on.
2. INFIDELITY. He has a wandering eye at first. Eventually this leads to an affair. Maybe it’s with a stranger or even with someone you know, like your friend. You trust her and vent about your husband to her. Little do you know she’s already jammed the butcher knife into your back. She’s using the info she gets from you to land your man in her bed. She keeps him so drained of energy that he’s fine with hallway sex at home. Besides it’s Monday, wrestling is on and there’s lots of people to chat with online.
3. ANGER. You’ve been married long enough to know he’s addicted to pornography. Not just nudie magazines and XXX dvds. Not once, but TWICE, he’s run up a $500 phone bill calling 1-900 sex lines that are advertised in the dirty magazines. He’s also joined several dating websites. The humiliation of his affairs and sexual addictions make you feel worthless. “Am I too fat? Does he think I’m ugly? Why doesn’t he love me? What did I do wrong?” All questions you might ask yourself. I know I did.
4. EXCUSES. The anger has grown to the point that any excuse not to have sex will do. Work has been so stressful lately. I’m too tired. The kid(s) need help with homework. I’ve got errands to run. I need to call so-n-so. So-n-so is going to call soon. I’ve got a headache. And my favorite of course, wrestling is about to come on TV.
5. LOVELESSNESS. Things such as those I’ve mentioned above have wedged between you as anger, and perhaps hatred as well, have festered until there’s nothing good left. You push at each other bickering and ignoring the dying feelings you once shared. You both go out of your way to spend every possible minute apart. This leads to awkward holidays with your family while he’s with his. At this point you don’t care anymore. You would rather suffer in silence like a nun. You find yourself lingering in the produce department at the grocery store, staring at bananas, zucchini and cucumbers. Eventually, you might say the hell with that man and relieve the stress build up by taking matters into your own hands.
In spite of every negative thing in my marriage, in the seven years since we divorced my ex-husband and I have become close friends. I’ve come to the conclusion that many of our problems centered around the fact that we were never friends while we were together. If we had taken the time to become friends before we got married then maybe a lot of pain could have been avoided but then again, maybe not. Like I often tell younger women who are confiding in me about their relationship problems, “Actions speak louder than words.”
Are you in a sexless marriage?