I believe a divorce is just another of life’s lessons put in our path to challenge us. Just because your marriage didn’t last forever doesn’t mean that it didn’t last as long as it was intended to or that it didn’t fulfill its purpose in your life.
Divorce is one of the most stressful and emotional experiences one can ever go through. The divorce process is about as devastating as enduring the death of a loved one, only the grief is for all of the hopes and dreams once held for the marriage.
No wonder, then, that a divorce can send one into a tailspin of depression! It’s important to find some life preservers to pull you through your divorce. Feel the myriad of related emotions, grieve the disappointment of the end of your union, and discover meaning in the midst of the rubble.
I went through my divorce five years ago, and these were five key pieces to my survival that I leaned on to get me through the toughest times. I hope that you can find solace in them, as well!
1. Focus on the kids. Your children will need you more than ever before. They are likely full of questions, sadness, and frustrations of their own as they watch their family crumble apart. In the midst of your own emotional whirlpool, acting as a source of strength to your kids may bolster your own weakness.
Give them what they need most right now: optimism, as much consistency as you can muster, and a sense of stability to grab a hold of. When not providing a blanket of comfort to your kids, lean on your interactions with them to give you something positive and sweet to focus on.
Though you and your spouse are coming apart at the seams, this can be an opportunity for you to grow closer to your children. Develop cherished shared activities with them, find new things to enjoy doing together, form new rituals and traditions that will knit you closer together.
You may also find a lot of enjoyment and a healthy diversion from diving into more of their activities, such as volunteering or becoming more involved in other ways. Your family is taking on a new shape with the absence of your former spouse, so you need to hold on even tighter to the family you still have.
2. Invest in yourself. You must be able to stand on your own two feet and know that you are capable of overcoming whatever obstacles come your way. This is the perfect time to evaluate what your definition of success is and what you need in order to meet that definition. What would it take to make you feel strong, capable, and ready to take on the world?
This answer is likely different for each divorcee. For me, the answer was education. I determined that I needed to further my education in order to secure a position that could support my kids and to feel fulfilled and accomplished as a person. Fortunately, I was able to qualify for many grants and loans to help me achieve this objective, and I found flexible on-line classes that fit around my work and parenting schedule.
3. Re-connect with yourself. For the duration of your marriage, your identity was intertwined with your spouse’s. Many of us lose touch with who we are after years of marriage and parenting, and our own interests and needs take a backseat to what others expect of us.
Make a list of hobbies and activities you used to do or things you’ve always wanted to do “someday”. Someday is today, so there’s no better time than now to get back into something that gives you pride and satisfaction, or try your hand at something new.
Many activities, such as art, writing, and fitness are enjoyable, and also therapeutic. Take time to discover what brings you peace and relaxation, what makes you feel creative and inspired, and what may put a spring back into your step!
4. Build your support system. Divorce is too hard of an event to go through alone. This is a defining moment in your relationships because you will soon discover who you can really count on and who intends to still be in your life. Hopefully, you will still be flanked by all of your friends and family as you move forward.
Sadly, you may have some treasured people from your past life who will not continue by your side because of their ties to your ex. Hold on tight to the valued members of your support network who remain true; but, also branch out to expand your natural supports from other, new directions. I refer to divorced people as divorce warriors.
Divorce warriors bear the scars of the battles they fought and have plenty of strength and wisdom to share with others. I recommend building yourself a posse’ of divorce warriors who can support and sympathize in ways that no others can. A divorce warrior knows the sometimes excruciating pain you will feel and how that feeling can alternate quickly to heady sensations of accomplishment and pride, then back to frustration and anger again.
Your old friends and family will try to hold on for the ride and show you what sympathy and support they can; but, they may not have the patience, stamina, or expertise that a divorce warrior can offer.
5. Make peace with yourself and the divorce. Whatever events led up to your divorce are now complete. It is natural to feel regret, anger, sadness, and depression for the way things ended up; but, it’s not productive or healthy to ruminate on these feelings until they start to define you.
I contend that most divorces are caused through the combined efforts of both spouses. Yes, one spouse may have had a bigger hand in the destruction of the marriage; but, if you’re honest with yourself, you can probably identify things you could have done better. Let it go.
Learn from the experience, take plenty of mental notes about what you would do different in the future, mentally tuck all of these regrets and disappointments into an imaginary balloon, and then release it! You must give yourself permission to forgive yourself for your failures and faults and for the fact that your marriage failed. You are human. We all stumble and fall. You can now get up and brush off these bad feelings and find your purpose.
I believe a divorce is just another of life’s lessons put in our path to challenge us. Just because your marriage didn’t last forever doesn’t mean that it didn’t last as long as it was intended to or that it didn’t fulfill its purpose in your life.
Next, you have to find a way, to whatever extent you possibly can to forgive your ex. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that your relationship will be restored, that you have to like one another, or that you are “okay” with everything that happened…it simply means you are willing to release your ex’s (and the event’s) hold on your happiness and your ability to find peace and happiness. It’s alright if the act of forgiveness does not occur face-to-face. You can come to this understanding in your heart and on your own terms.
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