A toxic man will maneuver himself quickly to earn your trust and obtain your personal power. This is why you will allow the abuse, will compromise you and forsake you – because to him that what love is.
I think we have all heard that we don’t get to choose who we fall in love with. If that is the case it is no wonder we fall for the wrong people time and time again – including toxic men.
Even if we do believe that we choose who we are attracted to falling for the wrong person can still happen. The problem is not necessarily our “picker” but having the ability to spot toxic people. They don’t have signs or tags that label them as toxic. They walk among us at work, in our neighborhood, and at the grocery store. They are everywhere in our daily lives. So, by the time we spot one we are usually knee-deep in a seriously unhealthy relationship with them.
It is not as though we want to be involved with toxic men but it does happen. Though they may not come with signs of their toxicity the relationship we create with them has clear signs.
6 Ways a Relationship With a Toxic Man Can Impact You
1. You Forsake yourself
Toxic men are selfish and insecure so rather than taking accountability for who they are they will put the burden of their happiness on your shoulders. They don’t see happiness as a choice they make for themselves with but the result of your actions. All of your attention is to be focused solely on them. Any attention you give yourself or any recognition that you earn they are quick to accuse you of being selfish or narcissistic. The caveat? They are not responsible for your happiness. This form of manipulation builds guilt within you. You quickly forget how to take care of yourself or feel guilty for doing so as a means of pleasing him.
2. You Compromise Yourself
The toxic man in your life will push you and bully you in his own way to get you to do things you don’t want to do. He will use persuasive traits to coerce you to take on his way of life or his beliefs and opinions. He may even try to push you to do things that you have no inclination for but “if you love him, you will do this for him.” The irony is that he doesn’t have to compromise himself to show you he loves you – he “just does.” He continues to be him while he molds you into the vision he has of you.
3. You Become Alienated From Friends and Family
Toxic men know in order to control you they must eliminate their competition: your support system. In order for the toxic man to be effective, he needs to be the one and only viable influence in your life. Using his manipulation and charm, he will be able to create doubt in your mind in terms of those who have always been at your side. He, cleverly and cunningly, will drive wedges in the healthy relationships of your life convincing you only he has your best interests at heart.
4. You Become Conditioned to Abuse
Toxic men are mentally and emotionally abusive and by using their impressive power to manipulate they are able to keep you coming back for more. The abuse is so stealth-like you really are not able to recognize it as it occurs. The abuse also doesn’t happen right away, as toxic men are professionals at sucking you in and hold you as an emotional hostage while they re-condition you quickly and re-program you efficiently. Before you know it, you are a willing participant.
5. You Relinquish Your Power
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” She was referencing the personal power that we all have within us. The worst thing about our personal power is that we are we slow to embrace it but very quick to give it away – and usually to the wrong person. A toxic man will maneuver himself quickly to earn your trust and obtain your personal power. This is why you will allow the abuse, will compromise you and forsake you – because to him that what love is.
6. You Become Toxic Too
It might be an unintentional coping mechanism or an unrealized defense but you are likely to become toxic the more time you spend with a toxic lover. This is the ultimate empowerment for the toxic man because now he has what he needs to prove his accusations, justify his abuse and hold you accountable for anything that goes wrong in his life or the relationship. He will use your toxic responses to his toxic attitude as a means of controlling you.
We typically don’t recognize toxic men until the relationship is over and the hindsight has kicked in. The problem with hindsight is that it is not a cure-all as you heal and grieve the relationship. In fact, it can exasperate the healing process if you focus too much on it. Another hardship, once free of the toxicity, is maintaining distance from him while re-programming yourself through the introduction and rebuilding of healthy relationships in your life.
No matter your mental strength or weakness breaking away from the toxic man takes desire, forgiveness and time. It may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar to take care of you once you pull away from the toxic man but…
You can do it.
After being married for 36 years to a man who walked out 3 years ago, I analyzed my entire marriage to him and know for sure– he is a narcissist, He never loved me, just used everything I could give and do for him, his goals, dreams and aspirations only to be tossed aside and thrown out years later like I was garbage. I pured my heart, soul and spirit into the marriage.
He never respected anything I did, nor valued anything I did including staying home with our 2 disabled and emotionally special education sons. I know now I married the wrong man, but as they say “hind-sight is always 20/20” yet wish I could reverse time and have a do-over for my life.
I still feel beat down, beat up both emotionally and financially. At age almost 60, I never dreamed I would be in this place in my life– alone, broke and sad.
Tara (author) says
I am glad you spoke up though I know it does not make your situation (or past) any easier nor does it help how you feel today.
You have a lot to offer other women who are in your shoes with a hope for how their future will turn out but a fear that their instincts on are spot in that they are living life with the wrong person. You may feel that your life, the part that you have lived thus far, has been wasted but you still have life to live and a lot of value to provide others. Don’t let the last 36 years define the next 36 years. Life with him is over but life for you is not. I know it seems worthless but You Can Do It!
I believe in you,
Tara, Thank you so much for your kind words and support to me. I have definitely been through a lot these past 3 years. Not only did my husband leave me, but then I recently (4 months after he left) found out I had been adopted and never told about this, yet found out all the relatives knew about it. To find out I was not the product of my parents, born to a French Jew in Germany, had another name entirely too, has rocked my world as you can imagine. I am angry and feel cheated at never knowing my birth mother. I didn’t get along with my adoptive mother, constantly having to run away from her abuse, and joining the US Navy to get away from her, only to marry to wrong man because I was looking for love.
In another week, I am going to seek professional counseling to help me cope and move on better that before…. I hope.
It is sad day when narcissist enters our world!! Falling for a man that does not have our keen welfare in mind. I am strong intelligent versatile beautiful woman. I fell for one that used all his charm charismatic manipulative tools to lure me in-hook lure & this gal has been sunk in his toxic pool. After 16 years of toxicity–I believe I am finished with him–But sad, Yes!! Because should have had beautiful life together But this sickness of the mind rules his very being!! There is No clear reasoning on given subject. I did Not live with him for past 12 yrs But like continue to contact by phone always hoping for change as they can be nice to a degree!! Truthfully they Do Not see who we are because they R So unaligned in their thinking!! By phoning him I was compulsive enabler But finally able to break free by lots of earnest prayer!! Our heavenly Father tells Us–One who is crushed & broken in heart He considers a sacrifice to him–Our God will heal Us when we draw close to him in prayer study & meditation & holds the narc accountable for their horrible evil wicked demeanor!! I knew something was wrong from the start But one has to come to full blown realization of their mad toxicity!!! It has been a night mare!!!
As the prey of narcissists we are the enabler and we don’t see it. Others see it but don’t know how to verbalize our actions without making it sound as though it is our “fault” that the narcissist continues. It is a twisted web and so difficult to see through. Once we see through the web it is more difficult to get out because there is an unhealthy sense of comfort we find within that web we spun with the narcissist. You are not alone. There is no one immunce to the narcissist and that is the scariest thing of all.
I hope you are finding peace and self-forgiveness – no matter the amount of enabling you are breaking free and re-igniting you.
You are doing it!
Tara (author) says
I can understand the void that you found with the information that was dropped into your lap concerning your birth. I am sorry to hear of your situation and I know it couldn’t possibly help what you have already gone through. I hope that since your comment, which I only recently realized was here, that you have found value in your counseling and that you are considering a life coach. Counselors are excellent in helping to organize and feel through your emotions and life coaches are great in helping you achieve your goals as you continue through the roller coaster of life. You still have so much to offer others and I hope you see that value as I do.
You (really) can do it!!!
I am also in a relationship witha toxic guy who treats me badly most of the time,we are currently engaged and he is becoming worse,but I am so scared that if I do not marry him,I will never be married as I am already 31 years old and have a child with him.
I think he knows I am afraid that I will never be married.
Cece Medley says
I have been manipulated by the man I love for years! I kind of knew it because I could feel this “he’s getting over on me” type feeling. I felt so stupid for knowing that he played me! I never had no one to talk to about the things he would say to always make me feel I was wrong. His blame factor is always geared toward making me feel like I am the worst person on earth! That I alienate him…I see now-clearly! It hurts because I feel like a fool for staying around 6 years and putting my life in hold for him! But it could have been worse I could have let him come live with me and then I’d have no way out and would have been miserable in my own home. So I cut my losses and I will lose No more!