It was just before midnight on New Year’s Eve when a long-winded e-mail hit my inbox causing my heart to race. It was from Eddie, an ex-cop, whom I dated the previous spring.
At the time, Eddie was caught in an ugly divorce and child custody case that had been dragging through the court for years. I spent many nights listening to him wail about his ex and their autistic son, so was deeply hurt when he unexpectantly ended the relationship with a fireball of accusations and nasty remarks.
For months after I tortured myself trying to understand his motive for the break-up, so when he started the e-mail saying he never met anyone so kind and loving, I felt vindicated. Then I scrolled down and learned the real motive for his reaching out. He got into a fight with his girlfriend on the biggest date night of the year.
“Don’t answer it. He’s only feeling sorry for himself!” a gay friend staying with me for the holidays barked.
Had I more chutzpah I would have done more than not respond, but tell Eddie what I thought of his New Year Eve’s gift.
The dating world is littered with boomerang boyfriends – men who after a bad break-up rise from the ashes and try to hit the reset button. I hear tales from friends and acquaintances all the time about having a whirlwind relationship, complete with romantic getaways and family introductions, only to be dumped. If they’re lucky they get an “it’s not you, it’s me.” With Eddie, I wasn’t so fortunate. He was belligerent, canceling our date at the last minute to go fishing with his cop buddies
Rejection is strange in that it sends the ego into overdrive. You often become obsessed with the ex and dissecting every relationship moment in search of clues that something was off. Worse, on some level, you want the approval of the person who dumped you, which makes you vulnerable should he return. When he does, you’re likely to think it because he came to his senses and realizes that you’re a great catch, after all.
Don’t be fooled. It’s a rare man that has such a wake-up call. Without a sincere apology and acknowledgment of past misdeeds, the boomerang boyfriend is back for all the wrong reasons. Before you rush back into the ex’s arms, you need to keep the following in mind.
7 Reasons The Boomerang Boyfriend Is No Good!
1. He’s looking for an ego stroke. It’s gratifying to know that there’s someone who wants and desires you. He may have been striking out dating or got dumped by his current flame. He needs that ego boost to pump himself up before going another round.
2. He’s feeling sorry for himself and wants some TLC. Men, unlike women, don’t have a bevy of friends they can call after a bad day. His may have lost his job. His mother is hospitalized. The dog vomited on his new couch. He doesn’t want you per see, but a warm ear and heart so he can vent.
3. He’s horny. He’s sniffing around hoping you’ll give him another tumble in bed.
4. He’s bored. Firing off a text to a woman you know desires you is an adrenaline rush, not to mention a power play. Not too long along I received a text from an ex that read: “Thinking of you. No need to respond.”
5. The relationship he left you for didn’t work out. One boomerang boyfriend left me to marry another woman. The minute the marriage hit the rocks, he called me persistently, begging me to return his calls.
6. He can’t be alone. For some men the idea of sitting alone with their thoughts and feelings is terrifying. They always need a warm body nearby and anyone will do as long as she’s breathing.
7. If he dumped you once, he’ll dump you again. Unless the issues that prompted him to end the relationship the first time are addressed, nothing will change. Give him another chance and most likely he’ll do it again.
When the boomerang man returns he’ll be contrite and full of excuses. He’s banking on your kind-hearted ways to take him back. Though not responding to his calls and texts will send a message, the most profound – and empowering message – is a simple “f— off!”
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