Hard to accept, but the reality is, the emotional affair partner was there for him and understood him in the way that he needed. All too often, she is someone who was is in contact with him on social media, in social circles, family circles, work circles, whatever the case. She filled the gap and was willing to be a part of your relationship knowing all too well the troubles he had with you.
Below are 7 examples of how men involved in an emotional affair may feel, what the affair provided them, the results attained and the missing link in the marriage that may have driven his need for an emotional affair.
1. What he felt: He felt inadequate and insecure and needed your praise of what he is doing right versus what he is doing wrong in the relationship.
What the emotional affair provided him: Emotional validation that he is good and adequate, she understood his frustrations with you. She most likely provided suggestions such as flowers, gifts, what to say or not say to help make things better in the marriage.
The result: He felt heard, understood and calmer, and he associated these good feelings to the EA.
The missing link in the marriage: Both spouses were unskilled in how to validate one another daily, despite the differences, being able to identify how you are both doing and being something positive in the relationship.
2. What he felt: He wanted sex and wasn’t sexually satisfied.
What the emotional affair provided him: She made him feel desired sexually and responded with flirting and innuendos and most likely gave him some ideas on how to please you.
The result: He felt more desired as a sexual partner and more attractive, most likely leading to working out and buying new clothing as well as trying to please his spouse, but, at the same time, thinking of her. He associates the other woman’s sexual openness to his need to be desired as a sex partner. He associates these feelings to her when he is with his spouse and confusion may occur leading to obsessiveness and need for more contact with his emotional affair partner.
The missing link in the marriage: Intimacy and sexual desire weren’t consistently worked on and protected in the relationship.
3. What he felt: Bored in the relationship, like they were “roommates,” instead of a married couple.
What the emotional affair provided: A sense of fun and play, even coordinating an event that she may be present at with her own spouse or significant other.
The result: He arrives at the social gathering, eager to have fun, however, preoccupied with the emotional affair partner. When his spouse questions his preoccupation with her he brushes off the concerns by telling his wife, “she is just a friend.
He shares with his affair partner, how the time went, and they both find a common theme, generally leading to a thought, if not said verbally, that they could have had fun together if the spouses were not involved. The fantasy of meeting and being together appeals to them both.
The missing link in the marriage: Enjoying pleasant activities together and doing the “clichéd” but effective date night. You both needed to protect and make time for one another, invest in a sitter, nanny, in-law, older sibling to watch the kids if necessary, but you failed to keep those times alive and nourished.
4. What he felt: He wanted to talk to his spouse, but when he tries she is always busy with the children, work, commitments and can’t talk or find time for conversation with him.
What the emotional affair provided him: She was available and provided him company and a listening ear. This happens many times with those that travel.
The result: She becomes his companion and he feels connected to someone that does not make demands on him. He may, given the circumstances, have her join him on a trip at some point.
The missing link in the marriage: Not being mindful of when you call one another and when you are both drifting apart or disconnecting. It takes active participation to notice, remember and follow up on the call or his need to communicate if you were not able to talk at the time he reached out.
5. What he felt: Controlled and not trusted due to your questioning and checking his phone, iPad, etc.
What the emotional affair provided: He may have decided to now escalate into using “burner numbers.” He gets more strategic to protect his connection with his affair partner. (question, in a situation like this, wouldn’t the EA affair partner offer him the trust that is missing in the marriage?)
The result: Adrenaline, the rush of secrecy and a feeling of being alive occurs. The addictive mind starts to obsess with the fear of not being found out, which fuels the feeling of being desired, not being bored, understood and validated.
The missing link in the marriage: It’s time for couple’s therapy. There is a need for someone to help with what is happening in the marriage, go to therapy each week. Commit to regular therapy times and protect that time will have a positive effect on the relationship. When you find, yourself checking computer use, cell phone calls and social media accounts, there is a reason for that, use your wisdom, be mindful and listen to your gut.
6. What he felt: Guilt over the emotional affair. “I don’t want to hurt her, I should not be doing this.”
What the emotional affair provided him: His affair partner is understanding and may even make the suggestion they stop corresponding.
The result: The emotional affair most likely renews the need for a connection with random unnecessary excuses to continue to see and talk to each other. He feels guiltier which spurs on the adrenaline rush he gets from engaging in the affair.
The missing link in the marriage: Remain aware of how you are responding to his odd behavior during his affair. Odd behavior which is usually projection and accusations of you doing something. Counseling is essential at this point.
7. What he felt: Anxious and distressed about being in the marriage and desiring the emotional affair.
What the emotional affair provides him: An ultimatum or need for him to leave his spouse. The emotional affair partner desires control and wants him to divorce his wife.
The result: He tries to find ways to make his wife leave him first to relieve the guilt he feels over the affair. Perhaps this has happened to you, you may have argued, stood your ground, asked him to leave. He may go, and you separate, or he stays at a friend’s house. In these situations, divorce is in your future.
The missing link in the marriage: If this is the case, time for personal reflection, counseling, self-care, support and a willingness to look at your part in the demise of your marriage. Stick to your values, avoid generating an emotional affair as well to get back at him or relieve your own pain.
Emotional Affairs have become increasingly prevalent particularly with social media and technology. If your husband becomes involved in an emotional affair explore your values, stick to them, be mindful of what you want and follow your instincts.
Sometimes, as a divorced woman, it’s best to spend time with yourself before dating or entering a new relationship. Put some time into exploring what it feels like to be on your own, with yourself and learn how to respect your feelings and needs.
Emotional Affairs may not all lead to divorce, people can recovery and stay married, it really depends on the relationship foundation you both share and are willing to strengthen. Those that can stick it out, can work it out.
FAQs About Your Husband’s Emotional Affair Partner:
What is an emotional affair partner?
An emotional affair partner is someone who listens to you and understands your feelings in a way you will want them to understand. All too often, an emotional affair partner is someone who is in contact with your partner on social media, in social circles, family circles, work circles, etc.
Why does my husband have an emotional affair partner?
Your husband has an emotional affair partner because both of you as a couple were unskilled in validating each other’s feelings. When Husbands feel inadequate and insecure they want their wives to appreciate them for what they do right versus what they do wrong in their relationship. Your husband’s emotional affair partner understood his frustration and made him feel good.
Can lack of sex force my husband to have an emotional affair partner?
It’s possible for your husband to have an emotional affair partner because you as a couple did not work on intimacy and sexual desires. It’s quite possible that she made him feel desired sexually and responded with flirting and innuendos. He may appreciate his emotional partner’s sexual openness and relates it to his need to be desires as a sex partner.
Are emotional affair partners better companions?
The emotional affair partner’s availability and willingness to listen to your husband made her a better companion at a time when you were busy at home with children.
Why does he not quit his emotional affair?
He does not quit his emotional affair because of the emotional bond developed over a period of time. He feels drawn to her and makes random excuses to see and talk to her. He feel guiltier which spurs on the adrenaline rush he gets from engaging in the affair
Article gives some fancy definitions to plain old cheating. Insecure baby men, shallow, fearing age, desiring constant stroking and attention dimenish their spouses to justify their lack of emtional availabilty or committment when real life kicks in.
Yes, Paula, in some cases cheating happens because men or women are shallow, immature and just plain bad people. Then again, sometimes cheating happens because a spouse’s needs aren’t being met at home. That isn’t an excuse for cheating but no man or woman should be surprised if their spouse cheats after being sexually rejected for years, having their feelings trampled on and them as a person being dismissed and belittled by the person who is supposed to love them. One should ALWAYS leave a marriage instead of cheat, that doesn’t always happen though and, there are times when both spouse’s are to blame for the cheating.
Only the spouse who cheats is responsible for the act of cheating. There are alternatives to cheating. Choosing to cheat is an individual choice.
That’s just a bunch of horse $**t! My ex spouse was sexually rejected for years because he wouldn’t stop the internet perversions – EA’s, porn, etc. OMG – Cathy, you don’t have a clue regarding cause/effect.
You lived with a man for “years” while he was having emotional affairs, looking at porn and, etc…whatever that means. Your response to all that was to sexually reject him? You stayed with him thinking rejecting him sexually would solve the problem? You of all people shouldn’t tell me I have no clue about cause and effect. You really thought to reject him sexually was going to make him stop?
Nope Cathy. BOTH spouses are NEVER to be blamed for one of them cheating. It takes two to make a marriage work but only one to destroy it.
But I will thank you for showing us who you are.
Wow Cathy…it sounds like you were the “other woman” in an affair once… it is ALWAYS the cheaters fault. They had a million chances to say no or walk away and instead they did deliberate acts that hurt and destroy marriages/families. I don’t care how sex starved you are or how bad a marriage is cheating is never the answer. Watching my daughter struggle with depression, anxiety, weight loss and starting to fail school because daddy liked his younger coworker is NEVER justified!!!
What Paula said! Stop making excuses for lack of integrity. Cheating is a character deficiency, not an answer or a definitive outcome. It’s entitlement and exaggerated selfishness.
My needs were not being met in my marriage but I didn’t cheat. I don’t think “needs not being met” is an excuse for becoming involved with a married coworker, trying to break up her family and have her to yourself. I don’t think it’s an excuse for manipulating and pretending to be friends with the EA’s husband when secretly you’re trying to break up their marriage. I don’t think it’s an exuse for lying to your wife and making her feel crazy because you ARE doing things she suspects, but when she asks you tell her it’s all in her mind.
There is never an excuse for cheating. This article isn’t about excuses, though. It’s about reasons some men give for cheating. Reasons aren’t excuses, they are self-delusional irrational things men tell themselves about their bad behavior.
Bingo.
On point information Ned, but the writer never mentioned any of that. Cheaters are people who are emotionally ill-equipped. They don’t know how to do the work. Many cheaters claimed to have spoken up in their marriages when in reality they never had a conversation. They consider signs communication lol. Cheating is extremely selfish and a person puts their own personal desires over the marriage. The marriage should be put first always, and if your needs are not being met, speak up but in a calm loving manner, and drag yourselves to therapy. Cheating is also a coward’s way. If you feel unhappy enough to make you break marriage vows made to your spouse and before God, then by all means LEAVE. Often cheaters have emotional issues from childhood that have never been dealt with. Many have issues from adulthood, or their last relationships. There is no excuse for cheating. Marriage is for better or worse. I think many do not take their wedding vows seriously and marry for better or better only. As soon as it gets hot in the kitchen they are breaking vows.
I’m sorry, but this article is very condescending. The person that had the affair is 100% at fault. I don’t care what’s going on in the marriage, the person who cheated is at fault. I didn’t cheat, tried to fix things, but his “emotional” affair turned into a “physical” affair. This article should never justify cheating. It’s selfish and childish to the nth degree. And bad behavior. Ned Stall is right. There is never any justification for any kind of affair. Counseling didn’t help, nor did any kind of communication with my ex. This article makes it seem like it’s the other’s fault. It’s not.
You’re right. This article really sucks and obviously was written by either the cheater or the OW. Love what someone posted on Chump Lady about this article. “If someone took a blank sheet of computer paper and shit on it, this would be the result. What in the hell did I just read!? “
God this is sickening.
All I can say is WTF!! Who the hell comes up with this nonsense. You made a promise when you entered the relationship. That’s it. You break it, own up to it, don’t blame people for your “unmet needs”. What a sreaming pile of BS.
Other people can be responsible for our unmet needs. If I marry a man and he turns out to be asexual and refuses to have sex with me. He is to blame for my unmet need for intimacy in my marriage. If a woman marries a man, quits her job, starts spending his money like there is no tomorrow causing him to feel vulnerable financially, she is responsible for his unmet need to feel financially viable. Who the hell comes up with this nonsense? Educated people who have studied the subjects they write about. What I’d like to know is WTF caused you to be so dense?
If your needs aren’t being met, say so, get counseling, and if things don’t change, then get a divorce before you head down a path of infidelity. Nobody forces anyone to have an emotional affair anymore than anyone is forced to go overspend. Emotional affairs are not accidental, they are a series of choices. A person who has an affair destroys their own integrity. Relationships that start as affairs rarely last because one partner often goes on to cheat again or the relationship implodes because of guilt
Nope Lindy. You and only you, are responsible for your needs, happiness and whatever else cheaters say they’re not getting from their partner.
“If I marry a man and he turns out to be asexual and refuses to have sex with me. He is to blame for my unmet need for intimacy in my marriage.”
No, he is responsible for changing the agreed upon marriage dynamic. It’s then a valid reason to separate/divorce and move on, it’s not a valid reason for you to then cheat behind his back. At best, you discuss this with your asexual spouse, tell him you would like to have sex and if it’s not possible for him to provide this, if he then is okay with you getting it elsewhere. And if he’s not, then that’s fine, but you’ll both be better off divorced and that’s what you’re going to do next. Once completed, you can get your brains fucked out.
“If a woman marries a man, quits her job, starts spending his money like there is no tomorrow causing him to feel vulnerable financially, she is responsible for his unmet need to feel financially viable.”
You don’t feel vulnerable financially, you either are financially vulnerable or you are not. This is a behavior to discuss inside of the marriage, not to go out and cheat on your overspending wife.
I don’t know what you were trying to say, but if you just meant introspection doesn’t harm anyone, then I agree with you, but to be really honest, anyone who seeks extramarital sex or affairs when either of these items come up, instead of resolving them before breaking up the marriage, they have no introspection nor are they emotionally capable of empathy or in general, adulting.
This sort of advice goes to show how therapists can cause more damage than good. It’s all about the faithful partners failings. The unmet needs defence. For god sake!! The marriage is not to blame. The cheaters sense of entitlement, ethics and character is what caused the marriage to fail. People can be in terrible marriages and not cheat. People can be in good marriage and still be cheated on. I’m staggered just how misinformed some therapist are on this subject. These article demonstrate the same justification and rationalisation cheaters use to give themselves permission to have an affair.
If unmet needs was the reason for the affair then why didn’t the faithful partner cheat. I’m sure they weren’t getting attention either, particular when the cheater was directing his attention elsewhere. They didn’t chose to lie, deceive, manipulate, gaslight their spouses. This article makes cheaters sound like victims, ergo, no accountability responsibility for their choices.
Lisa, If I came to you for help, I’d probably come away traumatised.
Bibi, thank you for your comment and I will take your critique seriously and reflect on the work I do in this area. I really do appreciate your feedback, even though not positive, it is helpful. Lisa
Lisa, I seriously hope you are not exploring this ‘lets discuss how you drove him into the arms of another woman, OK?’ line in your therapy to the traumatised spouses of cheaters. I really hope you are not blaming already victimised people.
Discovering my betrayal and the length and depths of my betrayal by the person I loved and thought was my friend is the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to me. Heartbreak is physical. Nothing will ever come close to this abandonment/loss of innocent belief in trust/connection. What else wasn’t as it seems? Who can you trust? People have told me they have been raped/lost loved ones including children and that didn’t hurt as much as this. I asked him why they both didn’t just arrange to have me shot because it would have hurt less [of course not: he might go to jail and I was of use in the home]. Infidelity is ABUSE.
As has been pointed out to you, we were also in that not great marriage, aware that our needs weren’t being met and we didn’t cheat. So it has to be something else.
It doesn’t seem to occur to you that the SELFISHNESS, secrecy, capacity to compartmentalise, entitlement and lack of empathy required to betray someone you are supposed to care about, just might be the very character traits that caused the problems in the marriage in the first place? Trust, infidelity is part of a already existing pattern of wider self absorbtion and lack of attachment …. Getting their cake AND eating it is the motive – If not, why the deceit?
I absolutely hold my hands up to my part to play (increasing anger and escalation trying to get through). But I was never given the opportunity to deal with them. Why? Because then he would have had to meet me half way, own his side of things, regarded me as someone of value – which all comes with lots of responsibility, same old same old; and no exciting secret life of flattery and strange. That’s why they do it – it feels so good for them and they don’t care who that hurts
PS: Emotional affair, yeah, right. Adults get together and form bonds to have SEX.
I asked mine the same thing. I asked him why he didn’t just shoot me in the head. It would have been kinder than leaving me in the pure, unadulterated hell that my life had become. I suspect the author may be a young person lacking the life experience to fully appreciate how an affair of any sort just levels the betrayed partner. This would account for her glib tone and superficial advice.
@Lisa, I hope you are familiar with cognitive dissonance, being a family therapist. I hope you do know what you are echoing here are the cognitive dissonant responses of men and woman who cheated that were given as justification to their betrayed spouses, and not really reasons that actually had any value other than to soothe the cheaters’ conscience?
Ms. Bahar, I would like to point out to you, and to readers of this article, that there is no scientific, empirical basis to the “7 reasons” you address here. What I mean is that the assertions made in this article–while feeling intuitively true to you, the author, and claimed as reasons for infidelity by unfaithful spouses–are not supported by scientifically rigorous and replicated empirical research. Any research related to these “7 reasons” is correlational, at best. No research indicating causation currently exists for infidelity. There are many reasons that this is the case, but my concern here is that your article insinuates causation when, in fact, it really represents an opinion, albeit one informed by clinical practice, but not substantiated by empirical research.
I recommend amending your article to indicate this reality, or to at least change the title to indicate that it is an opinion piece. Your article here is misleading in the sense that you are presenting yourself as a mental health professional with all the education, training, and licensure that confer expertise and gravitas to the words you publish.
This is especially important in a situation like this, wherein you are asserting that people who have been significantly emotionally injured and had their lives turned upside-down are partially to blame for the trauma they have endured. There is emerging empirical research that shows that faithful spouses who discover their partner’s affairs often experience traumatic stress nearly equal to that which leads to PTSD. In fact, many spouses hurt by infidelity present with the same symptomology. You are potentially aggravating their condition and possibly re-traumatizing them. If this article is representative of your clinical approach, then I urge you to reconsider it. I would also recommend revisiting the APA Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct with special attention to the following sections:
Principle A: Beneficence and Nonmaleficence
Psychologists strive to benefit those with whom they work and take care to do no harm…
2.01 Boundaries of Competence
(a) Psychologists provide services, teach, and conduct research with populations and in areas only within the boundaries of their competence, based on their education, training, supervised experience, consultation, study, or professional experience…
Just because you have seen a lot of couples struggling with infidelity in your practice (not that your article makes even that specific a claim) does not mean that you have the education and training to treat individuals confronting this issue. Considering the lack of research and treatment options currently existing for couples confronting infidelity, it seems likely you are operating outside section 2.01.
Given the emergent research on the traumatic aspects of infidelity, it seems reasonable to expect that any practitioner working with infidelity also have extensive education, training, and practice in the treatment of trauma as well.
If this article simply represents your opinion, then you should state that clearly and disclaim any assertion of causation or evidence based support for the assertions beyond hearsay from what affair partners “may feel.” A suggested title: “7 Excuses Your Husband Might Use To Justify Why He Left You For His Emotional Affair Partner”
We, as a society, have struggled to get past the blaming of victims for their own misfortunes. The field of psychology must also continue to atone for its own contribution to this dynamic. I am thinking of how difficult it continues to be that sexual assault victims are often questioned about their own behavior or wardrobe choices; how spouses of those with substance use disorder are often still judged to be enablers; how often victims of domestic violence are questioned about their own behavior in terms of angering their abusive partner; how generations of mothers with children suffering from autism were told it was their own emotional indifference to their child that caused the disorder. These are horrible misconceptions that professional psychology and psychiatry has had to address and take the lead on repairing and educating the public about. It is disheartening to see the same dynamic so plainly at work in the case of infidelity.
It makes absolutely no more rational or logical sense that someone should be expected to cheat on a spouse because they were not getting their needs met in a relationship than for an under-payed employee to be expected to embezzle money from her/his employer. What we expect is for people to be responsible for expressing their needs and then acting responsibly for getting them met. If an employee does not make enough money at her/his job, then she/he should explain to the employer that they need more compensation. If they are told no, then they should decide what action to take next, but what that action is would be dependent upon the character of the employee. A reasonably responsible person might resign and find a better paying job, or find a second job to supplement their income. What a reasonable person does not do is justify stealing from their employer because their employer did not intuit their need for more income.
Let’s stop even insinuating that people who have been hurt by others are responsible for their pain until we have ample, well-supported evidence that shows that is the case. Have we not learned from the few examples above that this is harmful? Have we not learned that the evidence that would support such a stance (especially a clinical stance) is unlikely to be forthcoming?
As a marriage and couples therapist you are steeped in the systems theoretical conception of relations. I would challenge you to think about how that is shaping your conception of infidelity. Theory is a necessary tool for doing the work of treating suffering people, but one needs the right tool for the job at hand. Any competent carpenter knows when it is time to lay down the hammer and pick up the saw.
Beautiful reply and excellent suggestions. I would also ask Mrs Bahar that she look into Dr. Omar Minwalla’s work. Here’s a good start:
https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/omar-minwalla-psyd/
Lisa Bahar and Cathy Meyer,
The people responding here could well be the same people who would come to you for support, that’s a scary thought, given how vulnerable and traumatised these people already are, the idea that you would then blame them for their spouses choice to have an affair is deeply concerning.
Like I said in my earlier post: I’m staggered just how misinformed some therapist, life coaches, educators, specialists are on this subject of infidelity and trauma. This article demonstrate the same justification and rationalisation cheaters use to give themselves permission to have an affair. That’s a big problem if we are to move forward from victim blaming, or turning cheaters into victims, ergo, no accountability responsibility for their choices.
Like JPFH said, I think it’s time to revisit the APA Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct.
Exactly right! This also happens when women cheat. Cheated on spouses are already in a damaged state and then they get pounced on in therapy. More damage than good is done at this point. The only person responsible for cheating is the cheater, whether the marriage was good or bad. Cheaters have time to make up a justification story while carrying on their double life and then start gaslighting to make their partner feel crazy, which then adds to their justification. Narcissistic behavior at best, emotional and physical abuse always.
This is a really bad article that puts all the focus on how a betrayed spouse is or isn’t doing something to fulfill their partner. Many times people in happy marriages start down the path of emotional affairs because of exposure to someone in a work or social setting. They receive attention from someone else who has low self esteem and the dumpster fire self ignites. Meanwhile a wife at home begins to get ignored, blamed or punished because the husband actually knows she’s a good person, and he takes his guilt out on her. The wife gets more suspicious and insecure and it is a vicious cycle. The affair partner will talk about the wife is crazy, justifying the husband’s behavior. Women should abruptly separate from their husbands if necessary to shock them into reality, it may be the only hope of saving a marriage. Self blame or self punishment for a partner’s affair will only destroy yourself and your kids in the long run. Please ignore this author, this is a very narrow view of emotional affairs.
You are correct. I adored my husband, made dinner every night, initiated sex, told him how wonderful, brilliant and handsome he is on a regular basis. I told him how lucky I felt to be married to him and that I loved him more than ever after 20+ years of marriage. I trusted him completely, and had never been concerned about any of the young women who had working in his office in the past. Then he hired a young women (half his age) to work for him who eventually became is “best friend”. I was working for him too, and at some point he told me he didn’t need me anymore. I was happy to pursue my own interests, going to school to study art. We have great friends–other couples we travel with, three children in and out of college, etc. I work out, hike, and play tennis. He has a small circle of male friends who live in another state that he would chat with on a regular basis. At some point, he stopped talking to me when he got home from work, avoided my touch, never heard anything I said. In the meantime, he included this girl in all of his work travel (just local, but driving to sites, etc.), something he had never done before with any assistant and encouraged her to start a business that he would fund for her. BTW, she moved here from another state to live with a guy she had only dated for a month.
When I had some family business that needed to be attended to everything blew up. At home he said he was to busy or tired to discuss it at home and that I should make an appointment to discuss at work. When I got there, he and the young lady were having a clearly personal discussion in his office. He greeted me, and then told me to go and get them some snacks. He claims that he would then spend that time giving his assistant something to work on while we were having that discussion. While getting snacks, it dawned on me that the man who had no time for me, had plenty of time for this young woman. I came back and was very businesslike. He peppered our discussion with plans to invite the young woman and her boyfriend over to our house for a BBQ that weekend. I said our BBQ was broken and we may have other plans. My head was spinning. The girl was also interjecting our conversation with how she “needed my husband for an hour or two during the weekend–oh and I could come along she guessed”. We finished our business and I left without much ado. When my husband came home he was in a rage. He said how dare I come into his office and throw a temper tantrum (I had not)–but I “was cool” which is unusual for my usually effusive self. He told me I was a jerk and that I had “taken a shit” on his desk. He then berated me, told me he had never been happy with me or our marriage and I was a terrible person. And how dare I accuse him of an affair. I had simply said–“What is going on between the two of you?” –at home, not at work.
For two weeks he did not speak to me. When we finally spoke again, I tried to explain the reasons why I had been so hurt by what seemed to be going on. He then berated me again and ignored me for another two weeks. He agreed to couples counseling, which we attended for about 6 months. The therapist encourage him to give this girl at least a month off, which he refused to do, saying his business would suffer without her–even though she had only been there for about 8 months.
In the meantime, he spent long hours at work–watching football games together, chatting to the girl about personal things, travel, memories of childhood, etc., even gossiping and laughing about me–how I was “easily worried”, they chuckled about how I might go to jail because of an investment my husband made under my name (alone) that was troubled. (The investment is not illegal, but there are some problems that are not a crime per se but could be prosecuted nonetheless because of the past owner). I might add that I had a way in which I could see and hear everything at work, so I knew everything going on at least inside the office. Of course in therapy I disclosed this and my husband shut off the camera!
He always claimed in therapy that he wanted to stay married, and when prompted, said he loved me. Oh my, there are so many things that had changed–he used to call me a lot, and ended with “I love you”, etc. All that was gone. He claimed that he felt betrayed by my suspicions–and that our marital problem was all my fault.
Eventually, the girl presented her business idea to my husband and me. It was pretty weak, and in my opinion not well-researched in any meaningful way. Not to mention, unprofitable. My husband said he wouldn’t invest in anything with her because of my irrational feelings about this woman, so we passed.
About a month after that, the girl decided to leave on an extended break. It was as the counselor had predicted. I was relieved. My husband started to act normal again and I felt like things were getting back to a better place.
I went back to work for him and for a while, things seemed pleasant again. Then he started becoming cranky with me again. I wondered if he was in communication with this girl, and asked him. He blew up but never answered the question. That aroused my suspicion, and sure enough, I discovered they have still been communication via (private) social media even while she was on another continent. He’s inviting her brother to live in one of our houses for free (which he never discussed with me), and her family is actually coming to stay at out house this weekend! And the is also returning from her travels this weekend too.
In the meantime, he gets furious when I ask him what he is doing about the troubled property. As if I was the one who committed to it in the first place. He says I’m insulting him by not trusting he is doing whatever he can to mitigate the problem.
Now I’m posting for the first time and writing it all down. I go through periods where I question myself and wonder if I’m crazy. But I do know one thing: It’s not “normal” for a 59 year-old man to have a 25 year girl (who he described in therapy as “beautiful and smart”–which she is) as a confidante or “best friend”, especially when he knows how much hurt it causes me. And again, he says its ridiculous that I am hurt by their relationship. But I will add that his communication with her now is secretive–at least to me.
I could just go on and pretend that everything is back to normal and go about my business, but frankly, I am losing the love and warmth (and trust) that I once held so dearly towards my husband.
You aren’t crazy, definitely had/has an EA and maybe even a PA. No one understands the confusion and pain of being cheated on unless they have been through it. Articles like this one suck and just make betrayed spouses feel worse when they are already in such pain. Check out the Chump Lady website, which is a supportive irreverent website full of common sense advice. chumplady.com is the url. So sorry for your pain Worried in Washington, you don’t deserve to be treated this way.
Worried in Washington, please please take legal advice. Tomorrow. Your husband has lost his goddam mind and is being played by a very manipulative young woman who is targeting him for his wealth.
You need to see what loans etc he can sign without your permission. DO NOT DO THIS! Be prepared to be the leader in your family whilst he is in Crazy Land, do not hesitate to take out an injunction against him (what I should have done). Him ranting at you for a week is much better than debt or losing money to a little minx.
He’s not getting “played” by a young adult half his age. He’s doing this himself. If anything, the 25-year-old is probably being manipulated by him. Don’t try and write this off as some sort of Evil Magical Enchantress situation.
Well, of course. But would she be responding to the infatuation of a garbage collector? Or Mr Lots of Assets over there? He is still the idiot you are right. My point is, idiots do truly idiotic things financially (how do I know). W in W needs to be the leader in the family and STOP any idiot gifts/loans… up to and including taking an injunction out on his deluded self indulgent ass.
Worried in Washington – thanks for telling your story.
Your story is the reality in the significant majority of cases of betrayal.
Your story is the truth of how these affairs play out in most cases. The chumped spouse was the one providing attention and instigating romance and communication and wanting and desiring the spouse who eventually cheats. The cheater was the one consuming those marital resources as he saw fit, and discarding others, while not reciprocating any of them, except for the minimal required to keep the chump attached.
That is the far more common power dynamic at play prior to cheating.
The cheater simply changes the narrative (lies) to rationalize their cheating to themselves and others. “My spouse wasn’t meeting my needs! Poor me!!!” (simply not true.)
The truth is that the cheater knows (or thinks) he has you, and you are faithful and serving, but the cheater feels entitled to more, to new, to strange, whether the cheater is just after sex, attention, or a new relationship. The cheater simply does not care about you or your feelings, and instead goes after was he thinks feels good: Sex and/or “true love” with new people – because he deserves it! (Note that that isn’t how people who feel “inadequate” or “insecure” behave).
So all these stupid articles (by therapists? egad!) are plain wrong. The base assumption that a cheater cheated because their needs weren’t being meant is usually the wrong assumption, and a therapist should never begin with that assumption. If the therapist is to make any assumption, the therapist should begin assuming that the cheater has some serious narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, as that is far more likely to be true.
bla bla bla …. it’s your fault he cheated. Nope not putting this on me, 28 years of dedication to a fault – this is NOT my doing!!!
This article is tacky and high-handed. I feel sorry for your clients who have to listen to you quietly blame them when their lives have just come apart.
I was in the same less than perfect marriage he was in, and I chose devotion, every single day. He chose lies, deception, cheating, entitlement, and destruction. He treats her as badly as he treated me. He went through five therapists who flatly told him the problem is he’s being an ass-hat. Then he found a therapist more like the author, and then boom, his whole narrative of Why He Had To Cheat was born. His character sucks, and no amount of therapy is ever going to change that. There are honest ways to end a marriage. Finish the old relationship before starting the next one. That’s about character, not unmet needs. How about an article called “7 ways in which cheating is emotionally abusive” or “7 times when you were dating you should have seen that his character was always crappy” or “7 reasons you should leave a spouse who won’t stop cheating on you” or “7 reasons marriage counseling with a spouse who is actively cheating is a waste of your time, validates their behavior, and keeps the cheating status-quo ongoing?”
It’s pretty clear that the author is a believer in false equivalencies and also enjoys demolishing people whose trust has been betrayed.
“If your spouse isn’t telling you there is a problem, is lying, sneaking and cheating behind your back, well… It’s YOUR fault for not reading his/her mind. Oh, you weren’t blissfully happy either but opted NOT to cheat? Tough. It’s still your fault.”
Cheaters have lousy characters. That’s on them. A professional who validates and agrees with their justifications also has a lousy character.
If you’re unhappy enough to devote time, energy and resources on cheating (emotional or physical), then do the right thing and file for a divorce.
Jane, your suggestions of other articles are very good! But it will never happen here. The founder/editor/overlord of this site is firmly pro-cheaters. Just figured out why.
I should have added “7 times I could have cheated but didn’t “
It really warms my heart to see so many point out this nonsense. Cheating is abuse and it is scary to see a therapist defend this behavior.
Chump lady is a whole lot smarter: chumplady.com
And kinder.
I am so thankful to read these dose of reality comments. There was a time in my life when I may have believed this crap article. Then my spouse of 15 years confessed to cheating. Cheating while we were trying to get pregnant, while I wats pregnant, after our baby was born and while getting me pregnant with our 2nd, due soon. He will not talk to me about specifics of his “dissatisfaction “ only says he’s never been happy, didn’t think he could talk to me about it says I can’t meet his needs, and tried cheating to avoid having to divorce me. Meanwhile I have worked myself to the bone in every way imaginable to meet elusive needs, coddling his moodiness, blaming myself. Honestly I think many of us faithful spouses become less attractive to these selfish entitled cheaters because we ARE trying so hard. They only respect and find themselves attracted to other selfish entitled people who are also more than willing to dismiss and discard spouses and marriage vows in the search for dopamine highs.
I call BS. The reason cheaters cheat is because they feel entitled to. I don’t care if you are gorgeous, bring in a million bucks, AND keep house like Martha Stewart, all the while serving up sex like a porn start. A cheater will justify his or her cheating any way they can. “Her nipples were too pale!” “I wanted my steak rare, and it was medium-rare!”
The REAL reason Lisa, and other like her, write this kind of crap is because they prey on desperate chumps trying to save their marriages. God knows the cheaters aren’t.
Lisa, the way you can really be useful is to help chumps move on, and get over the entitled jackass they married.
Lisa attempts the therapist’s $$$ Trifecta:
1. Validate cheater’s broken vows and lies, talking away guilt and responsibility. Ca-Ching!
2. Prey on the vulnerable spouse through victim blaming hoping they seek self-improvement services. Ca-Ching!
3. Frightens couples into marriage counseling. Ca-Ching!
Well Lisa, the narrative IS changing. I’m so glad you’ve left us a permanent record of your tactics, should any decent, honest future client google your name.
What a piece of BS….and hurtful to those woman who have had the experience of a cheating spouse, which evidently you never have. It is always the cheaters fault.. they had a million chances to do the right thing and turn away and they didn’t
This is victim-blaming, plain and simple.
“What the emotional affair provided him: She made him feel desired sexually and responded with flirting and innuendos and most likely gave him some ideas on how to please you.”
One is led to suspect that the ideas were delivered piecemeal as it is difficult to talk with something in your mouth. I am amazed anyone would believe that nothing more than flirting, innuendos and the exchange of advice was going on.
OMG. That’s right, it’s always the wife’s fault for being inadequate when her juvenile, self-centered, libido-obsessed husband decides to have an emotional-slide into actual affair. Get a grip and stop excusing the behavior of selfish, mid-life crisis-controlled men by blaming the wives who were trying to hold the household together and raise the kids while their partner was increasingly “not there”. Maybe if men didn’t think the sun rose and set on their penis, maybe if they learned how to communicate instead of using sex with other women to keep from communicating, there would be fewer divorces.
I’m wondering if this author is or was a mistress. In any case, cheating is abuse by a selfish entitled person who thinks of no one but themselves. I agree with another poster who said go to chumplady.com.
sure seems like it
This article is such rubbish! The absolute bottom line is this: good people don’t cheat. No matter what. They just don’t. Good people don’t do that to their families. I could argue that my ex did all these things to ME while I was being attentive and caring and he neglected me, and yet I don’t run off to have sex with someone else.
Remember that gals- good people don’t hook up with people on tinder while their families are home. Good people do not cheat. It’s called integrity.
End of story.
Wow I’m thankful the author isn’t my therapist, but I feel terrible for any betrayed spouse who might be! Cheating is highly damaging to the betrayed partner. This article basically claims there’s zero responsibility on the part of the cheater, the one who actually destroyed the marriage and devastated their spouse. I’ve heard this said elsewhere, but it’s worth repeating that both partners were in the same marriage but only one decided to break the marriage vows. Infidelity is highly destructive and is one of the most traumatic events a person can experience, topped only by the death of a child! The cheater is fully responsible for their decision to cheat since the betrayed spouse had exactly zero say in the matter. Cheating is a choice, a decision made with the understanding of what it could do to the betrayed, hence all the lying and deceit on the cheater’s part. A cheater who won’t or can’t take full responsibility for their infidelity is emotionally immature and very likely narcissistic. Please do your research into the cheater’s deep-seated motivations and the betrayed’s level of trauma. This article is a fluff piece justifying infidelity by encouraging entitlement maybe even cheating itself.
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This is a good article. Cuz those that are in an EA go through denial… so far 2 yrs now and cuz he can’t see it for what it is. He’d never cheat on me (his idea is sex is cheating ) however he doesnt get that he cheated w/ his heart even if he only wants to be with me sexually. So the justification in there mind needs the exposure to what it is and maybe it may give those in denialbthe wake up they need.
Thank you for your response Jan. I appreciate your comment about the denial and that he shared “he cheated with his heart.”
You make some great points and too often they focus on unrealistic or wrong needs from one cheating spouse, that they don’t focus enough on the shortcomings, and lack of emotional maturity of that same cheating spouse. They don’t teach cheaters that they are responsible for their own happiness and that if they have an issue with their spouse, what they signed up for is to WORK! It is their job to speak up, or get into counseling or whatever. They really do need to grow up. This applies to cheating women or cheating men. If you are so unhappy that you will stoop that low to jeopardize your spouse’s safety, your own health and your morals and integrity, you should be courageous and seek a divorce but be upfront with your spouse.
Hello Cathy and everyone. I think you and the others all make some legitimate points. I think what you might be a little off on is accepting responsibility for the bad state of the marriage, which belongs to both people, resolving problems which involves both parties, with making a bad choice to cheat. I think what others are speaking of is the simple fact of one deciding to cheat is their fault and choice they made alone. They are 100% for making that choice. This is not to say (which is to your point Cathy) that the other spouse was not making mistakes or doing something wrong within the marriage to hurt or offend the cheating spouse. We all sign up for good and bad times when we marry. We sign up for sickness and health. We don’t sign up for spouses to go outside of the marriage and have an affair, which by the way, rarely ever solve marital problems. You were right that the woman should have left her marriage if she was that unhappy with her husband’s emotional affairs, porn etc., or she should have gotten them both into therapy. Sounds like her husband had issues from the start, and unfortunately she didn’t know how to handle it and understandably, possibly thought withholding sex would solve something. Of course it does not, and it often makes things worse. It probably gave her some form of control, which again is understandable, but again wrong. We all live and learn and should just try hard to be understanding of each other and each other’s positions. This is a very touchy and painful issue, and if we all try to stay calm and hear each other out, we might just learn something from each other.
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I don’t have a complete confirmation of my husband’s EA but I have logic ….
A total of 12 y, of which 8.5 y were (legally, still is) marriage. We have three children (4 to 8y).
In January of this year, it was suddenly “we are fundamentally different” and “no, there is no other woman”, in February he moved out of the apartment where we lived together for 10.5 y. (BTW he exchanged messages day and night for both this months)
In June, he told me via message “it’s a matter of years of disagreement and that wasn’t life, it was torture” and he mentioned the official divorce for the first time. In late August, I found that he had begun an emotional relationship with a co-worker only 30 days after moving out. She has been present in his life since the first day we met, she knows me, I know her…hey she was at our wedding! During these 12 years, on several occasions, she was presented to me as a fat fool who does nothing and has that position at work only thanks to the love relationships she had with co-workers from the same company only from other region.
And now I should to beleive that his relationship with her did not exist before, while he was still living with me and the children?! While I thought everything (more or less) was ok.
Btw, this relationship is very serious because after only 2 months (from the alleged beginning of the relationship) he introduced her to our children (ofcourse not as his girlfrend) and only 4 months (again from the alleged beginning of the relationship) he introduced her to his mother.
I know the two of us were distanc ourselves and that I put the kids in the first place (it may have been my fault), but with so much of his business commitments (long office stays and frequent business trips), my job, 3 kids and housekeeping, makes me that distancing is inevitable. But I looked at it this way: children are growing, becoming more independent and there will be more and more time for the two of us. I was obviously wrong….
And in all of that, the problem is that he always had my maximum trust, I believed and I still believe that my marriage was almost perfect and that “almost” was that we both lacked more time for each other.
it has passed 10 monthssince he moved. Hey 10 months! A new life is born in 9 months, and I am still desperate and broken, my whole world has collapsed!
And then I read something like this and feel even worse and more responsible for the breakup of our marriage and family!
He felt sad and unhappy, but he did not find it appropriate to talk about it with me (with his wife who should be the closest person he has). No, I was supposed to read the signals.
It’s my fault.
When you take a Vow to Love, Honor, and Cherish only one person… That means that you DON’T get to have a CHERISHED relationship with another person. This is pretty common knowledge. There is zero reason to be giving your care and attention to someone else. You’re “cheating” your spouse out of the good parts of a marriage. The cute banter, the shared experiences, the intimacy. Even if your marriage wasn’t perfect, seeking love and fulfillment outside the marriage is wrong. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Stop trying to justify bad behavior to fit your narrative, so you don’t feel guilt or shame. Own it!
How do you define an emotional affair? Experts say secrecy is key: if a partner fails to tell his or her spouse about meetings or conversations with someone and behaves with them in a way they would not wish their partner to do to them or know about, that is emotional infidelity.
Exactly, and some of their reasoning is way off and just wrong. Some never even tried to talk to spouses. Some don’t have the emotional maturity to speak about subjects they are uncomfortable with. I do understand they are not saying the cheating men were right but simply attempting to explain the cheating man’s side or viewpoint. Again, some of the states are just dead wrong and not true. The article could be far more accountable for the cheaters. Some of the things listed are dillusional and totally out of touch with reality. I do agree with the opening statements about it being all wrong and no excuses. I have heard over and over from men who say they had a happy home and were not having issues, but their environment like work, online etc. created an environment for them to be bad, and they took advantage. In those instances it had nothing to do with what was going on at home. Some people get in a rut and don’t feel like dealing with their real life situations and have affairs for excapism and no other reason. Some men were raised that having affairs are okay, and some are just low down. There are of course cheating men (and women) who fall into the categories described, but by no means all cheaters. Many cheaters are totally screwed up emotionally and have no business even being married or having kids.
Are emotional affair partners better companions?
The emotional affair partner’s availability and willingness to listen to your husband made her a better companion at a time when you were busy at home with children.
NO SHIT!!!! And I am sure during these times the cheating partner or ‘about to cheat partner’ is right there by your side helping out. Probably sat alone wondering why you ‘put the children first’ saying nothing and seething with resentment. No one deserves to marry someone this pathetic that when the world doesn’t revolve around ‘meeting their needs’ they just jog on and find someone who is shiny and new and has the time to pay them a bit more attention. Get real people. Sometimes it feels like we’re going back in time. Probably all these husseys showing their ankles causing it.