I’ve often rued the fact that there is no official step-by-step guidebook for divorcing your abusive husband, you just do it with every ounce of courage and drop of support you can find. I was lucky to have a strong network of friends, a therapist, an attorney, and family.
It’s hard enough to admit that these terrible things happened, things you’ve hidden from the world, things no one would ever suspect because he is so kind, so intelligent, soft-spoken for all to see. And that’s that abused women hold onto. We hold on out of love for hour husband, love for the children, love of being “a family.”
Then the day comes when there is just one explosion too many, that you know it will never get better. After the death threats and the ‘bullet through your head,” and the choking of the family dog and shattering the children’s toys and kicking your daughter in her stomach you lose hope of “things changing for the better.
And then, after all the pain and heartache and terrible accusations that you are actually the crazy, unfit person playing out in court for two years, the actual truth prevails, you are safe, your children no longer have to live with Mr. Hyde, and you can move on and build a safer, more positive life in your house.
Except, now you have to co-parent with your abusive ex. Which requires a completely different step-by-step guidebook, but of course there isn’t one, and likely, it’s because every situation has different complications, every family variation a complex algebraic equation. Divorce Poison is a great resource, and while dispensing sage advice, there is no one-size fits all. Yes, there’s a huge improvement over living with a mean-spirited, mercurial bully in the house; however, said bully is still joined closely to your world.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
1. You cannot change how your ex behaves, even if your children come home crying and saying he got in a fight with their grandma. So, unless your kids are coming home and sharing information that directly impacts them (he was yelling at me, he was hurting me), then you can’t do anything about it.
2. No matter how shitty the emails/accusations are about your parenting and decisions, do not rise to the bait of such petty nonsense. No, you do not have to placate him. No, you don’t have to defend yourself. No, he is not entitled to the private details of your personal life. Let him rant and rave, like a childish temper tantrum vomited up in single-spaced long emails. Does he have questions about pick-ups, drop-offs, healthcare, childcare, education, extracurricular activities? Address them, everything else is nonsense. Walk away. Disengage.
3. Stay upbeat and positive when the children share stories about fun things they did with dad. It’s great if they have fun. Stay neutral and never say anything denigrating about their dad, even if you’re driven to distraction by the latest crappity crap things he’s said, even though you remember what he’s capable of. If he’s not acting badly right now—that is GOOD for the kids. On the other hand, upbeat and positive does not mean overly cheerful, I.e. “did you have fun at dad’s house?” puts an expectation of “fun” in the children’s head. You know your ex-husband, things might not be ‘fun,’ especially if he’s busy bullying his mother or brother in front of them. Instead you can say, “how was dad’s house?” and if they respond happily, then you can smile and be supportive.
4. DO address negative things the children may share that dad has said about you or your husband. Here’s an example, “daddy says you have to do this mommy.” Respond, “you know, it’s not daddy’s job to say what mommy should do, honey, it’s mommy’s job to decide what to do.” When your child looks at you a bit wide eyed, you can follow up, “do you ever hear mommy tell you what daddy should do?” And when your child shakes their head with knowledge that this is true, you can follow up, “don’t worry if daddy says things about mommy honey, it’s not your job to worry about that. Daddy loves you and is happy to have you near him, you don’t have to do anything more to make him happy.”
5. Any concerns that you have about stories your children share with you—take to a neutral third party. If there is a co-parenting mediator or play therapist involved, take it to them. Nothing YOU can say or do will make him change, nor will it help. If you attempt to address it directly yourself, it will invite vitriol and defensiveness from him. Also, if you DON’T trust the third parties in your case, find new ones. When your kids share things that are upsetting, you need to trust the people involved.
6. Get into therapy to help you deal with this. It’s emotionally draining, the constant barrage of crap. The one constant in this—he will not change. The only thing you can change then, is how you respond. Do your best to let go of “he might be thinking” or “he might be doing,” you will drive yourself crazy. Focus just on what’s before your eyes. Therapy is a great way to help you release stress and build up your strength. People go to the gym, run, swim, and bike, to train for marathons and the like. Therapy is training for your mind and heart. It builds up your mental energy to protect yourself and it also has a gentler side–to help you accept and love yourself when you may have felt like nothing.
7. Lastly, it’s okay to totally mess up everything on this list once in a while. You are human. You have a heart. You are strong, but even the strongest person will be worn down and that’s okay. The important part is to not beat yourself up from your mistakes and also learn from them. Strength comes in waves, some days you will feel wildly confident in all the decisions you’ve made, others, not so much. Reach out for support on the down days, and know that the good ones will return.
I wish I could say with 100% certainty, all returns accepted, that it will get better. I believe it will one day, and I hope for it with all my heart. In the meantime, last night, I made messy s’mores with the girls, eyeing the microwave with keen eyes as the marshmallows grew into large, sticky globs, and then we ate them while giggling. So that makes me happy and for just a moment, I knew with certainty that despite the storms and rages of someone who used to live with us, our life is definitely better, and it will continue to improve, because we are growing and becoming stronger, too.
FAQs About Abusive Men:
How can I change my ex’s behavior?
It will be an exercise in futility to try changing your ex’s behavior because you are likely to frustrate yourself with the task. Had he been open to change, you would have succeeded when he was married to you. You can limit your communication with him, involve a third party to talk to him on your behalf, and mark clear boundaries for him not to cross.
What do I do if my ex complains about me?
You need not worry when your ex rants about your behavior. All you need to do is to take a step back, look at things in the larger perspective and refuse to stoop down to his level. When you don’t defend yourself or argue with your ex, he will know that you are refusing to take the bait. Keep your response brief and to the point when he has questions about anything involving children’s activities.
How do I talk to my kids about their visit to my ex?
No harm if you want to talk to your kids about their visit to their dad’s place, but be neutral in your approach. Avoid negative remarks and refuse to react to his latest trick.
What to do when kids share what their dad said about me?
If you keep just one thing in mind that it’s not about you and him anymore, I am sure you can do wonders while responding to whatever your ex has said about you. If your children tell you that dad wants you to do something in a particular manner, tell your children that it’s not his job to tell you what to do. If your children appear surprised at your response, you can tell them that you never tell dad to do anything. Above all, tell children not to worry about it because it has got nothing to do with them.
What to do when my ex tells stories to my kids about me?
If your ex continues to cook stories about you, get help from a professional to stop him from trying to spoil your relationship with the kids. You can get help from a co-parenting mediator or a play therapist.
What do I do if my ex continues to drive me crazy?
If your ex is continuing to drive you crazy, you should not hesitate in getting a therapist’s help. A therapist can help you process your emotions and respond to the situation you are facing. Therapy not only helps you reduce stress, but builds your strength and determination to face the odds.
What do I do if I mess up things with my ex?
Tell yourself it’s okay to mess up things once in a while because it’s a pretty human thing to do. However, it’s important to remember to learn from your mistakes for building a better future for yourself. There will be days when you feel you are full of energy and can do anything you want. And then, there will be days when you feel drained; don’t be shy to seek help during this period.
Abuse takes many shapes and forms, and while I was married and living with my husband of 33 years, untill he walked out, he never laid a hand on me ever. But. he as a functional alcoholic, and didn’t treat me like a wife, but a roommate-with benefits, dragged me all over the United States with his career paths and choices, all of which I supported, but never planted permanant roots either, not having family nearby, or close freinds either.
Because of my husbands lack of communication and his ability to share any emotions with me, his wife, I never knew my marriage was in dired straits, until I was able to step back, after he left, and analyazed my horrific marriage to him. He used me, abused me, and then threw me out life I was garbage.
It has been about a year since he left me, and our sons, and am in the healing process too. I have always known who I was and realize my husband sucked the life out of me during our marriage to each other. While you can’t reverse anything and change the past, you have to go forward with all the knowledge you have gained from being in an abusive relationship so you never repeat it. Someone recently asked me fi I would take my husband back and I told him “no, not if he was the last man standing”. and my friend, and my mother’s second husband told me good.
I am a warm and loving person, one who gives and gives of my heart and soul, without question, and am moving in a direction of happienss within me, as a person who is good.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Deborah. I’m so glad to hear you are on your path of healing and that you are building a better life for yourself and your sons. <3 You are one brave and strong person. Thank you again for posting!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Deborah. I’m so glad to hear you are on your path of healing and that you are building a better life for yourself and your sons. <3 You are one brave and strong person. Thank you again for posting!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Deborah. I’m so glad to hear you are on your path of healing and that you are building a better life for yourself and your sons. <3 You are one brave and strong person. Thank you again for posting!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Deborah. I’m so glad to hear you are on your path of healing and that you are building a better life for yourself and your sons. <3 You are one brave and strong person. Thank you again for posting!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Deborah. I’m so glad to hear you are on your path of healing and that you are building a better life for yourself and your sons. <3 You are one brave and strong person. Thank you again for posting!
I haven’t read Divorce Poison yet – this is the third or fourth time I’ve seen it recommended. I’ll have to get a copy. Fantastic article Jane!
Thanks for commenting, Liv!!! 🙂
Thanks for commenting, Liv!!! 🙂
This was such a great article with very helpful tips. My husband was never physically abusive but was certainly very manipukative, emotionally and mentally abusive. These lessons and tips have been pertinent in my divorce from him and I’m working hard to maintain this as we progress through the divorce and learn to coparent. Its difficult but I agree with all your points. Thanks for sharing what you’ve learned so we can all learn as well. Glad you’re finding some peace on the other side.
Dear Rachael,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so happy to hear this was helpful to you. There’s lots of great resources for people in our situation–unfortunately the journey continues to unfold. If you do have a third party involved with your children, be sure to share details of the abuse and manipulation. People like my ex and it sounds like perhaps yours, are very good at showing a “good front,” but therapists with training in DV and abuse can see through that facade. Because of that, it’s helpful to educate them on very specific examples of what you and your kids experienced. Thanks again for your comment and best of luck as you move forward into making a new life for yourself and your child(ren)!!! <3
Dear Rachael,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so happy to hear this was helpful to you. There’s lots of great resources for people in our situation–unfortunately the journey continues to unfold. If you do have a third party involved with your children, be sure to share details of the abuse and manipulation. People like my ex and it sounds like perhaps yours, are very good at showing a “good front,” but therapists with training in DV and abuse can see through that facade. Because of that, it’s helpful to educate them on very specific examples of what you and your kids experienced. Thanks again for your comment and best of luck as you move forward into making a new life for yourself and your child(ren)!!! <3
Dear Rachael,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so happy to hear this was helpful to you. There’s lots of great resources for people in our situation–unfortunately the journey continues to unfold. If you do have a third party involved with your children, be sure to share details of the abuse and manipulation. People like my ex and it sounds like perhaps yours, are very good at showing a “good front,” but therapists with training in DV and abuse can see through that facade. Because of that, it’s helpful to educate them on very specific examples of what you and your kids experienced. Thanks again for your comment and best of luck as you move forward into making a new life for yourself and your child(ren)!!! <3
Dear Rachael,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so happy to hear this was helpful to you. There’s lots of great resources for people in our situation–unfortunately the journey continues to unfold. If you do have a third party involved with your children, be sure to share details of the abuse and manipulation. People like my ex and it sounds like perhaps yours, are very good at showing a “good front,” but therapists with training in DV and abuse can see through that facade. Because of that, it’s helpful to educate them on very specific examples of what you and your kids experienced. Thanks again for your comment and best of luck as you move forward into making a new life for yourself and your child(ren)!!! <3
Dear Rachael,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so happy to hear this was helpful to you. There’s lots of great resources for people in our situation–unfortunately the journey continues to unfold. If you do have a third party involved with your children, be sure to share details of the abuse and manipulation. People like my ex and it sounds like perhaps yours, are very good at showing a “good front,” but therapists with training in DV and abuse can see through that facade. Because of that, it’s helpful to educate them on very specific examples of what you and your kids experienced. Thanks again for your comment and best of luck as you move forward into making a new life for yourself and your child(ren)!!! <3
Dear Rachael,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so happy to hear this was helpful to you. There’s lots of great resources for people in our situation–unfortunately the journey continues to unfold. If you do have a third party involved with your children, be sure to share details of the abuse and manipulation. People like my ex and it sounds like perhaps yours, are very good at showing a “good front,” but therapists with training in DV and abuse can see through that facade. Because of that, it’s helpful to educate them on very specific examples of what you and your kids experienced. Thanks again for your comment and best of luck as you move forward into making a new life for yourself and your child(ren)!!! <3
I just found this site tonight! Great. I’ve been divorced from my abusive ex for 9 years and still he attempts to abuse through coparenting. I am grateful for therapy, 4 years now of trauma therapy … so great. I have a horrible parent court appoint cooridator but I’ve learned how to manage that. Some days are good, some are bad. I’m also grateful for the internet where posts, Twitter and blogging helps me find support. Without it I’d think I was going crazy for sure. Thank you for this post. You are so right on it all! Take a look at my story at bruisedwoman.com or @bruisedwoman on Twitter. I love to connect with women who have been through this. Take care and keep Speaking out!
Thanks so much for your comments Julia!! I completely empathize with the parent coordinator issues and abuse and manipulation via coparenting, ugh!! I also run a blog http://survivelovethrive.blogspot.com if you want to come check it out. Will look for your on twitter and check out your site! <3
I agree with this. Especially, I agree with #2. Once I refused to engage in discussion about anything not related to school, medical, pick ups and drop offs, etc…was the when I knew it was truly over. It was very freeing. Yes I went to therapy. Yes, I tried to stay neutral around the kids. Yes, I had girlfriends/sisters to vent to. Yes I picked up the pieces of my life and fought hard to keep what was the most important (my kids). But that day….that beautiful day when I refused to engage him after one of his snarky comments was a beautiful day. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.
Thank you so much for your comments, Kate! I totally get where you’re coming from. 🙂 And..to be truthful, it’s a journey for me. Sometimes i’m really great at #2. Sometimes, not so much–but at least I fake it until I make it, and if I do get upset, it’s not in his realm, but in mine. And that is very freeing, even though I’m still healing. Thanks again for reading and cheers to you for building a better life for you and your kids! 🙂
Daddy loves you and is happy to have you near him, you don’t have to do anything more to make him happy…..
You are doing a good job.
I struggle with this statement because my abusive ex is not that great a parent. She tears the kids photos and is a literal psycho.
So how can I tell my kid the ex loves her when she does not.
I am generally quite neutral to the relationship mykid has with the mother. Telling the child that their parent is good when I have not seen evidence of such is something I will not do.
I want my child to grow up trusting her own perceptions. Not colouring them to make things look better.
If a parent is not acting in a loving manner, I agree a child should not be told the parent loves them. We don’t want to teach our children that they should accept bad behavior as “love.” My son’s therapist suggested I say, “your dad is doing the best he can do, if you need to talk I’m here for you.” NEVER EVER mislead a child when it comes to helping them define what love is and isn’t.
Hi Webx,
Yes, in that kind of situation, I’d go with something more neutral, I.e. Adults make choices and they aren’t always the best ones. Etc etc.
This was great information. I’m in the final phase of divorcing my ex husband and it’s been hell. My privacy is being monitored, I’m interrogated and money is held over me.
Youre doing a great job with the kids and I too have been keeping my composure when he throws his tantrums as much as possible.
Dear Amby,
Thanks so much for stopping by! I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time–I feel you!! It’s been over five years and while he is still a major difficult PITA, it’s soooo much better than what it was before. Hang in there, you are not alone!! You will get through this to and see the other side! <3
I’m interested if anyone’s emotionally and verbally abusive husband truly changed during the divorce process. My husband says he understands why I have to leave, he’s very sorry for the way he treated me during our marriage, and that he wants to be different during this process, for our kids’ sake. I want to believe him, and in the short time since I’ve started sleeping in a separate room and we’ve been going through the more practical steps of dividing stuff, etc, he does seem much calmer and more reasonable. He says he’s let go of expectations and that’s why he can be different. But I feel like I’ve heard all that before, and while I am desperate for it to be amicable, I don’t trust him. I want to protect myself and my kids, but I also don’t want to give him any reasons (no matter how ridiculous) to make it harder than it’s already going to be. He wants to have a mediated divorce and avoid hiring attorneys except for the filing and legal side. Has anyone been able to have this kind of divorce with someone who was previously erratic and mean? Is his current behavior a sign he really means it this time? For the record, even if he does truly change, I can’t stay married to him. There’s too much damage to rebuild the kind of relationship I need and want.
Hi Sarah,
My ex started out reasonable, we even worked out on a document on our own that included how to divide the assets and the custody arrangement, also because we wanted to not go to an attorney and incur costs. He moved out, and then promised he would get counseling, which apparently he did, but as the weeks went by, he became nastier, and nastier. It started out with, I’m so so sorry, I’ll change (which as you also have heard before), then it became, okay this is going on long enough, when are you going to ‘get over’ this, to “i’m not leaving until you talk to me” (when I had a fever and could not sit up let alone stand up) after coming to the house to visit our daughters. He became more volatile, so much so that i ended up getting a TRO and changing the locks on our house. It became a long and nasty divorce, unfortunately. so…in my case, it started out reasonable, but eventually his true unchanging self took over, and to this day he has never apologized or taken responsibility for his actions–that this was all my fault and i’m the bad guy in everything. some days i’m really strong, and i understand that i don’t need him to apologize or act more than barely civil towards me, and i feel sympathy that he is so unhappy that he always looks for the negative or causes roadblocks and delays when it comes to decisions about the kids (school, amending the visitation schedule due to work trips, etc), and on other days, the constant nitpicking wears on me. the good news is that the kids are doing okay, and he has an extended family here who i think love the girls with all their hearts and help with the day-to-day parenting, and it balances out his temper/anger/negativity. and…i don’t have to have his nastiness in my home anymore. <3 Love and hugs and best of luck to you!! <3
Hi Sarah,
I am currently going through a divorce and wish things could be better but I know they will not. I’m just wondering how your situation is now since it has been 5-6 months.
I think from my own experience my ex was once again pulling the wool over my eyes , at first he agreed to being amicable but once more this turned out to be one of his many lies and controlling tactics . Truly I wanted to believe what he was saying his remorse etc but when he couldn’t get me to stay this is when things fell apart and more and more lies came out from the woodwork . Only you know your ex and what he is truly like the fact you can’t trust him is something he has taken from your relationship and his actions not his words now is what you need to go by . I found out things regarding my ex such as he hid my dad address for years from me once I found him my father had a week left to live and my husband refuse to help bury my dad , I think it is then I gave up hope he would ever change despite the fact before this he had lied countless times and had forced me to stand outside his family home , I was only a good mother if I stayed otherwise he often call social services to report me , although my kids never got taken away the humiliation and suffering he caused me is something I am only dealing with now . I find it impossible to look at this man and I feel ashamed of the fact I married such a cruel horrible person . I charged everything and lost any chance to have my dad in my life because I trusted this lier . I had to let this all go hating him gives him power so I feel pity and sorrow but u can’t bring myself to say anything to him . After nearly a year of not seeing him I will need to see him at my son guaduatuon I already asked my son his wishes and he does not want a picture of us together but I am unsure how to handle the rest , I thought if he speaks I should just say it’s not the time but really unsure if I can even say this
Dear Candy,
Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your experience. I’m so sorry about all that you experienced with this man. I also felt such remorse and shame that I “let” myself be taken in by my ex. Here’s the thing, your ex was abusive and manipulative and you are a victim, now a SURVIVOR, and you survived being with this person. That you are away from him now means that you have more strength than you probably know or give yourself credit for. <3
The healing process is long. It's been six years since my ex moved out and I still get triggered. When I do have to see him at events (my girls are still young, so he will show up and act like 'dad of the year' in front of them and in public), i keep my conversation with him civil and to the point.
Please know that you do NOT "owe" anything to your ex if he starts talking to you about anything besides your son's graduation. Picture yourself in a bubble, his words are not allowed in unless he is saying your son's name and graduation, everything else is just noise. Prepare yourself to walk away for your own reasons, i.e. you suddenly need to answer your phone, or suddenly you have to use the rest room. Some polite escape words, "you'll have to excuse me, I'll be right back." You do not "owe" him an explanation as to your behavior or words.
Because everyone will be in a public place, hopefully he will be on his best behavior. Just remember that if he tries to talk you don't even have to say "it's not the time," maybe you could say, "i'll talk to you later." Walk away. By chance could you take a friend with you to your son's graduation? Someone else in attendance could be a good buffer. <3
Congratulations on your son's wonderful day!!! And hugs to you!!!! You are not alone.
I am not there yet. I am still trying to figure out what order to do things in. As background, husband is verbally abusive, negative, mean-spirited, over-emotional, self-absorbed and I could go on. The charitable side of me knows he suffers from low self-esteem disguised as arrogance. In any case, I anticipate fireworks when I announce and a really tough time. When he’s wounded, he fires will all guns blazing. I imagine he will be beyond reason, trying to assign all the blame on me and will accuse me of alienating the childrens’ affections (he does that himself).
Do I retain a lawyer, draw up a plan, tell him I’m divorcing him and here is the court date? Or tell him and then go through a long, drawn-out process of trying to reach a mutual agreement which I’m pretty certain will only waste time and emotional energy?
As for questions from others about mediated divorces – I doubt this kind of person can cooperate unless you’re willing to give them everything they want. But I did consult with a divorce mediator and found out that (at least in my state–maybe everywhere else, too?) if mediation fails I cannot use that same lawyer but must start all over with a new lawyer.
Dear Nancy,
I am so so so sorry to find that you are in this predicament. My advice to you is that you know your husband better than anyone else, and if you KNOW that he will not negotiate, then lawyer up first, get everything in order and go. Also, protect your financial assets as he may try to drain accounts, etc. If he’s a self absorbed as he sounds, he will likely try and use the kids against you. So be prepared to be supportive of your kids in having a relationship with him that is safe, but have support systems in place already (i.e. play therapy? not sure how old your kids are).
I tried going the “private agreement” route, but my ex came out with guns blazing when he realized he wasn’t moving back in, and he did all sorts of things, i.e. accuse me of being crazy, etc, when he was the one who was violent 🙁 so…please only confide in people who you absolutely trust 100% and then surround yourself with their support and love. You are the only person who can advocate for your sanity/safety and for the best interests of your children. it’s a journey that is full of struggle and strife, but at the end of the day, you WILL get through it.
Good luck to you! You are not alone!
Jane,
I am in the divorce process with my husband who has been extremely emotionally abusive throughout our marriage. It has been a nightmare. He burned my clothes, stole my gun and medication, accused me of being a drug addict, a neglectful mom, mentally unstable, he’s contacted all of my friends and family to spread false romors about me, the list goes on. I have simply disproven his claims one after the other every step of the way, but feel emotionally drained as to what he’ll throw at me next. He is now gearing up to fight me for 50% placement of our toddler. I live in a no-fault state, but am wondering what to expect going through a child placement study. Sometimes I think about giving up and staying with him just to end this and to give my child a divorce free life, with a better financial upbringing. I’m tired of fighting. Are you a better person, happier now – was it all worth it?
Dear Betrothedboutique,
Thank you so much for your message!! I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to respond–i was hit by a car over the summer and am still in recovery–and am truly thankful that i’m on the mend.
I am so so so so sorry that you are going through this, and that your soon to be ex is acting like this. AND YES MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER. This is the storm before the light. His behavior is abusive and you andyour child deserve better. I do hear you about being drained mentally and it is EXHAUSTING. Take it one minute, one step at a time. It will be worth it. I’m now 7 years out and my life is completely different. The healing process takes a long time but is worth it. Andyour child is so young….even if your toddler has visitation with your ex, you will be able to provide a different setting, a loving setting that will be worth it. Again so so so sorry it took me so long to respond. Please don’t hesitate to reach out again. You are not alone!!!!
I left my emotionally and verbally abusive husband in February. He has, for 12 years, told me he wished he never met me, he never wanted the kids, (we have three) and tried committing suicide in April, he confided to me a couple of months ago. I didn’t file for divorce at that time because I was truly worried about his emotional health. A month ago, we sat down together and went through a joint petition for divorce. I ended up asking him to leave my house. He served me with divorce papers on Monday. I am absolutely reeling. He is seeking joint custody of the kids and spousal support (very lazy man who cant hold down a job), and I am out of my mind with sadness, anxiety, and complete shock. I retained a lawyer and started seeing a therapist to help. This man has truly made my life so miserable, and my kids’ lives unbearable with his verbal and emotional abuse. I just cannot see any light in my future, I am devastated.
Dear Mom2ThreeBoys,
His behavior his manipulative and abusive. I have a feeling he was never serious about the joint petition–I think he was (either purposefully or maybe subconsciously–either are reflections of his mental state) feeling out the process to see how serious you were. Once he saw how serious he was, he knee-jerked reacted and went to his abusive ways to try and control the situation.
I’m so so so sorry that you are going through this and that you have to live through his actions. Your lawyer and especially your therapist are there to support you and see you through this. I’m so sorry!! Be sure that your therapist has specialized training in domestic violence and emotional/verbal abuse. (Not all therapists have that training and if they don’t…it’s like going to a foot doctor when you need heart surgery…they may have the basics down and good intentions, but not the true training to help you through it). It’s also helpful if your lawyer is aware of the dynamics of verbal/emotional abuse. My attorney and therapist were versed in all of this and so helpful.
Please take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time! The grieving and anger and frustration and healing process is a marathon and be gentle with you. You are the only one who can advocate for yourself and your three boys and it can be draining, and sometimes feel like you can’t move another step forward. But you can! You are not alone, and you are on your way to building a better life. Love and hugs to you.