7 Things No Man Should Ever Say to a Naked Woman

There are many things that could be safely said to a naked woman, I am sure. Hundreds of things, actually. As for what not to say, my best advice is to park your harem, and all talk of your many conquests, somewhere well outside the euphemistic bedroom door.

The flipside of that is to take your low self-esteem talk to the therapist couch. In other words, do not bring it with it’s tail between it’s legs and deposit it at a woman’s feet, that is to say, my feet at this critical and hopefully transcendental moment. I already spend WAY too much time psychoanalyzing myself, my kids, my mother and that stray pitbull down the street that follows me around all the time to want to do this NOW!

Do I sound like I am whining? Because, yes, that is what your unchecked low self-esteem makes me want to do. I mean, get ahold of yourself, man! I am sitting here, naked before God and the Universe, and I am brave enough to be in the moment here with you (knowing full well I do not look like an airbrushed movie star) after a man stomped all over my heart and did his best to drag my dignity over miles of gravel and ditch it in a swamp. I mean, WHAT on this green earth happened to you that you can’t be at least as brave as I am?

Of course, no matter how large or small your harem or how high or low your esteem, there are hundreds of things you could say to a naked woman and remain in her good graces. Likewise, there are probably hundreds of statements that would pour ice water all over her heart in the blink of an eye. Not to scare anybody or anything. After making my short list, I detected a theme or two (or three if you include hygiene). At least, for me.

Top 7 Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Woman:

1. “I cleaned the sheets for you.” (While clean sheets are very nice and preferable to any alternative, some things should speak for themselves, or, perhaps be spoken of at a different time. What one wants to avoid is the specter of what they were like before.)
2. No sentence that begins with, ends with or includes, “The other women I’ve slept with….” (At least, don’t say this to me at this particular unclothed time, because I do not care to know about this subject of fascination to YOU but not to ME.)
3. “My wife was so skinny.” (This is tantamount to me rolling over and saying, “My husband was so good in bed”)
4. “I hope you are working on your online profile. I think you are prettier in person than in your photos.” (What we have here is a compliment mixed with a “huh?”—And, apparently, as we are here in this particular setting/situation, you have decided to become my dating coach.)
5. “How many other guys are you _______?” (Um. Hey, again. If I can recover from my ex and his world-wide travels and not accost you with a question like this, then you have the capacity for restraint here. If not, seek couch.)
6. “Have you ever done it with another woman?” (See, the thing is, dude, you just gave yourself away as a man whose exposure to sex exists mainly by watching a screen. Do you really want to show your cards so quickly?)
7. “Everyone loves this vibrator.” (Okay. Let’s just say that the words “everyone” and “vibrator” don’t necessarily go together well unless you work at Adam and Eve. BTW, I think I forgot something on the stove/need to wash my hair/walk the dog/do anything except be here. Gotta run!)

In closing, it is generally best to stick with the classics. Like, I don’t know, “I love the way your eyes light up,” or “I love your smile.” I can’t think of many women who wouldn’t be somewhat charmed by these statements. Any compliment that isn’t mixed with a “huh?” is better than the seven conversation fillers listed above. Yet be sure the compliment fits the moment. Make it about the way the woman looks (am I right women?). Save “you’re so nice” for a less intimate moment. Although that may read as a compliment to a man (and be heartfelt, or at least sincere), it is not award-winning chatter for the bearskin rug.

Here are some romantic-type words that will get you further and make most women I know feel all glow-y inside: beautiful, pretty, lovely, gorgeous, sexy and breathtaking. As you can see, these are basic and not-too-fancy words. You can get more creative if you want to, just think it through quickly before it comes tumbling out.

Now combine those adjectives with body parts, but good body parts that make sense! So, not: pretty elbows. (I wouldn’t spell this out so clearly except I think for some it might be important to do so.) More like: beautiful eyes or beautiful smile, pretty curve of the neck, gorgeous curves and breathtaking back. There are more “dirty talk” ways to do this but I leave this to you. Just stop and think, even a split second, before speaking. All things said, though, the simpler and cleaner the language…the more powerful it is—in a good way.

And never ever, ever, ever, ever (!) discuss the positive merits of another woman while you are next to a naked woman. Sure! Over coffee or while walking in the park. Go for it during less charged and more clothed moments and see how far you get. But never, never, ever, ever wax poetic about someone else while in an intimate setting.

A woman might be a champ (or a chump) and play along with the game of discussing other lovers (people love to pretend to be all urbane and pseudo-worldly), but you are on thin ice and about to drown any second. Don’t get sucked into that even if she, silly nutcase, brings it up herself. Just don’t go there.

Men get totally weirded out by references to other men (right guys?). They do if they aren’t complete players. Most men are VERY tender around comparisons. It goes both ways, as most things do. In the end, maybe it’s a “do unto others” rulebook. And always assume the other person has feelings and cares just a little bit. Even if you are thinking it’s just sex, even if you are thinking she’s thinking it’s just sex, good manners are always sexy.