Being a stepparent comes with certain rules and boundaries that might not feel natural to some people. You are not their parent and you are not their peer.
Can you run errands for them?
Clean their rooms? Help them study?
Talk with them about friendship problems?
The answer to these all most likely is “Yes.” But can you discipline them? Can you take their side against your spouse’s ex? Most likely, “no” is the answer to these types of situations.
The issue basically comes down to one thing, the level of control one should be taking and the difficulty of knowing exactly where that boundary lies, which is different in every family. Most stepparents might go over the line unintentionally. Many biological parents might become a bit more sensitive than is necessary and many step parents might be a bit less sensitive than is necessary.
Below I offer 8 boundaries that step parents should not cross.
Again, as I said earlier, each family is different so use this list as a guide but not as a strict “rule book”.
1. Talking negatively about your spouse’s ex.
It is always important to remember that the other parent is still the parent who, hopefully, has the child’s best interests at heart. No matter how much you disagree with the other parent, or how angry he/she gets you, it is important to never bad mouth him/her to the children.
This might be difficult, especially if the children are complaining about something mom did. It is better to listen with an open and empathetic ear and be a source of support for the child who is going through something difficult with the other parent. The issue will resolve itself but the child might still remember the negative things you said about his mom and then resent you for it.
2. Disciplining your stepchildren.
This is that line not to cross that just might not seem fair. It might be easy to get caught up in the anger and intensity of an argument, but it is better to keep your cool, walk away and wait to speak to your spouse about what happened. He/She should be the one to impose the punishment that occurs based on his and his ex’s family values of discipline. This does not mean you should let your step children abuse you and take advantage. Instead, it is important to remember your role is different than if would be with your own children.
3. Trying to take the place of your spouse’s ex.
Depending on the circumstances, the other parent might not be in the child’s life (death, significant mental illness, etc). This does not give you permission to then slip into the role of “Mom.” The child has a mom and it is not you. The child has the right to love their mom while still having a close relationship with you as a step parent.
4. Putting yourself in the middle between you spouse and his/her children.
While it might be tempting to try to get on the kids’ good side by disagreeing with your spouse, this is not a good idea and will backfire at some point. It is still important to put on a uniformed front with your spouse. The child might resent you for butting into her business so it is best for your spouse and the children to work out the issues on their own. If you are asked for help, that is a different story, however, it is still important to remember not to go overboard and take over.
5. Putting yourself in the middle between your spouse’s ex and his/her children.
Remember, you are not the parent. It is not your place to try to over-ride the other parent’s decisions regarding the children.
6. Ignoring the wishes of your spouse’s ex (in relation to the children.)
As an example, if your spouse’s ex does not want the kids to eat past 8 pm, it is not wise to break that rule. The kids need to see you respect their other parent and that you are a good role model for them.
7. Engaging in a parenting discussion with your spouse and his/her ex.
This is also a sticky situation. While it is important for your marriage to be a source of support your spouse , particularly when it comes to his/her relationship with his/her ex, it is better to be done privately. It is also important to remember that when it comes to their children it needs to be their decisions on what to do. If you voice your opinion against the ex, she/he might become resentful and make things more difficult for you and your spouse. It is best if you can attempt to have a good relationship with your spouse’s ex if possible.
8. Feeling jealous when your spouse and his/her children want some one-on-one time.
It is important for your spouse and the kids to know they can still have “alone” time without you and that you are okay with that. Many children whose parents are in new relationships feel insecure and might think their parent loves their new spouse more than they love them. It is important for the kids to have a close bond with both parents and it could become a significant family problem if you as the stepparent have a problem because of that.
She Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken broke every one of these rules withot regard.
#6: My House, My Rules. It doesn’t matter what rules the other parent sets in her house, she does NOT have any say in your house.
My soon to be ex husbands ex was wonderful at imposing herself in my home life. The ex needs to be respectful as well. She taught her daughter to disrespect me from day 1. She would not stick to visitation rules was always late sometimes not showing up at all without notice causing a big strain on my family. It goes both ways.
i agree with the comment below my house, my rules. I was not a visitor in my home I was the homeowner and paid the bills. She made many comments that I ” lived there”. I sure did my name was on the mortgage.
Thanks to her it caused so much friction in my marriage I left. Now I am a single parent because of her interference in our lives. Some ex’s are so bitter they don’t care about the kids it’s only how they can get back at the other parent.
Im glad I left. So not worth the arguenents my kids with him witnessed.
I think you got a real teaste of who your ex was. Shifting blame isn’t healthy or fare if you guys had problems. Ex husband never share to the new girlfriend or wife what they did wrong it’s all abt the ex wife. If the ex wife caused u so much hell you had to divorce him I’m sorry to hear abt that. But start looking with in.( meaning your ex) And make your experience not your future. Learn from her mistakes. When he brings the new girlfriend. Set your boundaries to now protect yourself and your child. Lots of luck
U too can get over this
While I understand that every household is different, we do not abide by #2 in our house. I expect my husband to speak up and discipline my children when the need arises, and I expect them to listen to him when he does. He is not their father, he is not trying to replace their father, but it is our home, and he has every right to speak up.
Why on earth would anyone want to put themselves through this shit. After reading this I’m out
It’s funny because my son’s stepmother is a domestic violence liaison at the Erie County Family Justice Center and I have asked her numerous times to please back off and allow me to be my son’s mother. She outright told me she would not do this if it was what her husband wanted from her. In the meantime, she filed paperwork to have my son’s last name, she and her husband continue to undermine me to my son, she and her husband and told my son lies about me and my past (including my sexual history of all things that was not true!), and outright alienated me from my son. She scheduled a vacation on MY son’s birthday and never talked to me or had her husband talk to me to see if it would be alright. She places MY son’s photo as her facebook profile page and refers to him as HER son. She sets up his college visits, allows a 45 year old man to send him pornographic memes and continues to ignore my requests to step back on her “mother” role to allow me to be his mom. She condones my son calling me a whore! I have tried to talk to her about boundaries and she forwards my requests to my son of all people while ignoring me. I do not understand how someone who works with women emotionally and physically abused can do this to the mother of a child! Do not trust Jeanine Battaglia Clark or her husband Chris as they are manipulative people who have no respect for others.
I feel your pain I too have issues with my ex and his new wife disrespecting and bad talking against me exalting themselves like that are just the best parents ever.
This article feels as though it was written from the perspective of a biological parent – and someone who has not tried living in a blended situation.
Point 2 – My husband and I have been very clear about being able to enforce house rules if required. He does this with my daughter, and I do this with his sons – this is about having a united front and consistency in our home.
Any serious wrong doing is disciplined by him, and likewise for my daughter.
Point 3 – I’ve been running a ‘Step Mother’ group for years – almost 98% of women DO NOT want to replace the original parent – they are just trying to do their best and make their blended family work. I think that is a completely wrong assumption.
Point 6 – Unless there is a concern around abuse or neglect, then what happens in our home is our business, and vice versa at the other home. I don’t believe one parent have the right to control and dictate what goes on in the other home when the child is with the other parent… within reason. If it’s a health issue or something that is required around their education, then that’s entirely different but for the most part, providing you have the child’s health and well-being at the forefront, then it’s not anyone’s business and you should be free to raise the child as you see fit.
This only holds true if the biological parent is actually involved.
When a dad has his child for weekends e wry other month wouldn’t you expect to have the child the whole weekend and not drop them off at his new wife’s sister house? And shouldn’t he be the one picking her up and not the new step mother? And shouldn’t he call the child every day?
All points refer to step parents as he/she, however point #3 refers to the step mother only. I am unsure if the poster feels that it is ok for a step father to assume the role of “dad” whereas a step mum cannot assume the role of “mum” or if she is implying that step mum’s are the only ones to assume this role.
I am a step mum and would never feel comfortable as “mum” to my step kids, I am curious though, as I hear often from other step mums that they do everything the biological mum does for the step child. More often than not she takes any backlash regarding her role personally, even when she shouldn’t. I feel this happens in some of those cases due to her role not being made clear by at least one of the biological parents. Often she will be accused of not treating the step child like her own (eg. Biological dad getting upset when she refuses to get involved in school events, etc.) And at the same time, reprimanded for treating them like her own (eg. Biological mum thinks she shouldn’t go to watch a Christmas play because she’s not the parent and has no right assuming that role).
I don’t think these divorcees have a clue what their role is either and just use it as it suits them. Which is not beneficial to the children. It would be better for them if they knew what to expect from their step parents, rather than both parties walking on egg shells when in each other’s company.
I have heard that a lot of step mum’s feel like an unpaid nanny who sleeps with the father.
All of the above is understandable when the mother or father repartners quickly and has not healed from the loss of the relationship. It is clear to me when I hear of either the mum or dad getting a new partner every year. Trying to heal their wounds by entering a different partnership only delays healing.
I did find your article very interesting and the comments even more so. Thank you.
How old is your son? You said she sets up college visits. Is he in college, or close to legal age? If so, maybe you go need to back off.
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