Companionship is a great thing, especially if you’ve found the right companion! The wrong companion can make you feel way more lonely than being alone ever will, however. Rushing your decision to marry again based on that fear could definitely result in the wrong companion.
I’m sure that I’m not alone in this feeling but divorce is one ride I’d rather not take again thank you very much. It kind of reminds me of that “centrifuge” type ride at selected amusement parks. You know which one I’m talking about. You get on the ride, the floor drops from underneath your feet and it spins so fast that you stick to the wall.
What they don’t tell you before getting on the ride is that if you throw, the vomit comes flying back at you! Yeah, that pretty much sums up divorce. Needless to say, I’m not anxious to do anything that could lead me down that path again; much like marrying again would, not unless I gave it some serious thought.
My kids are grown so my divorce has brought about a lot of freedom. If I’m being completely honest, the longer that I come and go as I please; save, invest or spend money how I please; and only have to take care of myself, the less likely it seems that I will utter any sentence that terminates in the phrase “I do.”
I would have to give it serious contemplation and these are the top considerations I would have to take into consideration before marrying again.
Below are 8 things to consider before you remarry:
1. What do you really want in a partner?
It’s amazing how little consideration we give that question when we’re young. Often times our first unions come about because of an unplanned pregnancy; it’s the next logical step because we’ve been together so long or we settle because we don’t want to be alone. I never gave any real thought to what I wanted in a partner some three decades ago. Since I’m writing this for Divorced Moms, it is safe to assume that didn’t work out so well for me!
2. Have you repaired your partner choosing device?
Wouldn’t it be cool if our minds came equipped with such a device that could actually be repaired? In all seriousness, the ugly truth is that sometimes we don’t make the best choices when it comes to picking a mate. If you had an ex-spouse that was emotionally or physically abusive; cheated on you; or showed signs of being a narcissist etc., it might be time for you to bring your partner choosing device to the shop.
3. Have you done a postmortem on your last marriage-specifically your actions?
I take absolutely zero responsibility for my ex’s choice to have an affair and I don’t toast marshmallows in the camp that the “breakdown of our marriage” led him to that choice. That being said, I was not a perfect partner by any stretch of the imagination. At the very least, a prior marriage is an opportunity to learn from our mistakes no matter how it ended. We all need to work those things out before we embark on a serious commitment.
4. How long are you willing to vet a potential spouse?
Ugly truth 1001 about the disordered: They can’t keep a lid on their shenanigans for a long period of time and subsequently may push a commitment much sooner than you are ready. It’s normal for a sports car to go from 0-60 in seconds; it’s not normal for relationships to move that fast. It doesn’t matter how old you are, this is a vital consideration. Listen to your instincts and stick to them.
5. Is the fear of being alone driving your need to be part of a union?
Companionship is a great thing, especially if you’ve found the right companion! It’s nice to have a sounding board or a standing Saturday night dinner date and hey, regular sex doesn’t suck either! The wrong companion can make you feel way more lonely than being alone ever will, however. Rushing your decision based on that fear could definitely result in the wrong companion.
6. Are you prepared to “blend” families?
It’s not as easy as it looked on the Brady Bunch! There are a lot of logistics to figure out if you still have minor children living with you and your prospective spouse. Is everyone ready for this change? By the way, that everyone includes your ex because if you have minor children he is likely still a big part of their lives.
7. Are you ready to give up the freedom?
Granted, if you have primary custody of your minor children you don’t have a lot of extra time but that’s not the only place where freedom reigns. Once you divorce you are literally the master of all you survey in your home anyway. You make all the financial decisions; you decide how you and maybe your kids are going to spend your free time or where you will go on vacation. Compromise is one of the cornerstones of marriage and it’s easy to forget how it’s done once you’ve been going it alone for a while. This should be a big consideration.
8. Is this what you really want?
There is a lot to be said for being in a committed relationship that is good, like having someone to share your victories and even your defeats with but the second time around it should be a deliberate choice. It shouldn’t be something you do because being a single parent is hard or being alone sucks. In my humble opinion, it should be because you’ve found someone who is considerate and reciprocal, who respects you, cherishes you, and wants to be your partner in every sense of the word.
No matter how old you are, or how many kids you have, you should accept nothing less.
That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!