There are many women that I have come across who have truly embraced being divorced, and free, and are really enjoying their new found freedom. I am not one of them. I miss being married. Here’s why:
1. Being able to see my kids everyday. I think this is the hardest thing to swallow and get used to. It’s very counterintuitive for me to not see them every evening. It’s still weird to me that they have to describe artwork they did at school instead of taking it out of their backpack to show me or, if their tummy hurts, they have to describe and tell me where, instead of me being able to see it myself. With face time, it is definitely a little easier, but still difficult. Having to hear about their day over the phone, or describe an activity they went to, and feeling that I should have been there as well is painful.
2. Having a stable home for the kids. My kids are at the age where they are asking questions and the back and forth is getting tough, although my ex and I live in the same town and we are doing a good job of being flexible and making things work. Sometimes however, when they leave a book, or shoes, or homework, it gets frustrating.
3. Security-both personal and financial. I am starting a new career, and while I am excited about it and doing well, it is just nice to know that a second income is there. I miss knowing someone has my back. That if something were to happen to me, I will be taken care of. Feeling safe goes along with this. The other day there was a knock at the door at night, and the kids came rushing to cuddle into me as they were a bit frightened. I was, too, for that matter. It turned out it was only my neighbor, but I just wished someone was there for protection.
4. Doing things as a family. I have dreamed of having my own family since I was a kid and, like most, when the day finally came I was envisioning a lot of happy times, like trips to Disneyland, road trips, going out for a family brunch or dinner, or even just watching a movie at home together as the kids got a bit older.
5. My social life. We had a nice circle of friends together, and sometimes we would get sitters and go out to celebrate a birthday. Other times we would all meet up as a family either at a restaurant or at someone’s house. Not only did we have a great time, but the kids enjoyed it, too. I grew up in that environment, having family friends from the same culture, and I realize how important it is and want the same for my children.
6. Not having to date again. While many people get excited about the prospect of being able to date again and experience “firsts” all over again, I find it daunting. I wasn’t very good at it to begin with, and was very relieved when I knew I would not have to go through that experience again.
7. Being loved and wanted. I miss feeling loved, respected, and cared for. I miss someone telling me how special I am, and important I am to him. When you are told your spouse wants a divorce, it breaks that feeling in you, and you feel the total opposite. You feel completely unloved and unwanted. Essentially, that is what is being said.
8. Someone to share my life with. I am the type of person that likes to share my joys and my sorrows, and love when others share with me. I have experienced a lot of exciting moments while establishing my new career, and many times I really wanted to just pick up the phone and say. “Guess what?!” Just recently in my new role, I landed our company’s biggest and most sought after clients. I was so excited and, of course, shared the news with everyone in my office. But I really missed having that someone special with whom to share my excitement. I also miss being able to be there for someone in that way as well, sharing in their ups and downs.
There is a lot right now that I am thankful and grateful for. And while my marriage clearly was not a happy one (otherwise I would not be in this situation), we had some really great times and a lot of positives my married life.
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- Divorce Sucks!
photo credit: loneliness via photopin (license)
I miss being married, and never in my wildest dreams did I ever picture my husband of 34 years walking out on me 18 months ago. At age 57 years old, and married to him when I was only 23 and him 22 years old, when we met while we both were serving tours in the United States Navy. We grew up together, had 2 sons and traveled all over the U.S. during his many careers, from his military career, his consulting IT career, to his franchise and real estate brokerage businesses.
But, then he left, swithout ever telling me why, and nothing was ever said. After reading the book “Runaway Husbands” by dr. Vicki Stark, I began to try to understand the type of person who could inflict so mcuh pain on another human being, especially one who loved him and gave her heart and soul too and gave up her life all in support of his goals, aspirations and dreams.
What do I miss about being married? Love, deap emotional love, which I can now say, I didn’t have with my long term husband of 34 years. I was basically his “roommate with benefits” and know I have grown up, and learn so much about myself that I know I will not repeat it, and can honestly say I am much more away of who I am, what I want, and most importanly, what I don’t.
I was married to an introvert, and type A personality, and I am an extorvert, and creative type B personality. I love people, love to make things, to dance, to garden, and never had the “aha’ moment with myself during our marriage, My husband never had friends during our marriage, we didn’t have people over to our home (and we owned many homes during our marriage) and I truly missed this type of relationship, and gave up so much of myself during the relationship with my husband. But who knows who they are, and what type of person best suits them at such a young age. Looking back, we never had date night, no real passion either, and always thought I was too needy, but know it was his lack of emotions that were the problem.
So, my life begins again, and am so much happier now without him in my life. Within the next few months I will be moving to CA, and starting a new life there, and getting divorced too from my husband. Recently, I found out I was adopted, and not told by my adoptive parents, so that came as a complete shock and was “blind-sided” again. But things do happen for reason we don’t understand but am happy to say, that through my taking a DNA test, I found a first living cousin, who I will be meeting in 70 days, and finding out about who my birth mother was, seeing photos of her for the first time, and connecting the dots as to my past.
So much ahead of me, and my sons. and in time, maybe will meet the right person, who is alive, loving, considerate, and a perfect fit for me.