I’ve heard that wine opens up to you a lot easier than a man. That may or may not be true, but in my experience, there are so many reasons that wine is better than marriage that I’ve had trouble keeping it down to only nine.
Here’s one little tip before you start reading: go and pour yourself a glass of your favourite white, red, or bubbly. Hopefully, it will make you think this is one of the funniest articles you have ever read.
1. Wine matches your mood and never complains about it. Bubbly, dry, sweet, or otherwise, you can always pick a perfect match. Marriages aren’t perfect and sometimes they are a complete mismatch, and by then, you’ve got a mortgage and kids and your main skill in life is keeping quiet when your mother-in-law complains about the kind of home you keep. Your marriage partner, on the other hand, has moods and emotions, and these are a lot harder to deal with than drinking a glass of wine (or a bottle, depending on the kind of day you’ve had).
2. Wine is a short-term commitment and doesn’t require the owning of anything other than a bottle opener and a glass. Marriage, on the other hand, is built upon the expectation of the acquisition of things, such as big leather couches that you’ll never be able to get rid of, or fridges with so many blinking lights and beeping noises that you want to attack its ice maker. And all of these things require upkeep and maintenance. Wine is gone in the time it takes you to say, “Yes, thanks, I’ll have another glass.”
3. Wine requires nothing of you except that you are of legal drinking age. Marriage requires almost everything else that you can think of, including some rather unpleasant things like sharing toilets.
4. If you don’t like your first bottle of wine, try another, and another. No one will judge you. But don’t even go there with marriage partners. Everyone will judge you. And you’ll lose so many assets in the subsequent divorces that you won’t be able to afford your favorite wine.
5. Wine is always there when you want it, at the most requiring a short trip to the liquor store. Marriage partners, on the other hand, are there when you don’t want them and frequently not there when you do, such as when you need help putting up curtains or changing diapers.
6. Wine decanted, swirled, and sniffed is a wonderful sensory experience. With a spouse, sniffing them can go either way, especially if they’ve just emptied the compost bin or run a marathon.
7. You get to be fickle about your wines. You can like a dry wine one day and a sweet one the next. You can’t do that with your partner. Try telling them one day you like them best in skinny jeans, the next in a designer suit; it confuses the heck out of them. And then, chances are your partner will even react by wearing daggy underwear around the house, which is something wine will never do.
8. You can always talk to anyone about the kind of wine you like or dislike, and you can be as critical as you want. The wine won’t be angry at you when it hears what you’ve said because the last time I checked, wine bottles don’t come with ears — or a brain. But try telling someone this: “My husband has an earthy aroma that really doesn’t appeal to me and quite a dry personality.” When this gets back to you (and it will), you’ll be moving into the spare room faster than you can say “Asti Spumante.”
9. If you don’t like it, you can throw it out. Do I even need to explain why this doesn’t work in a marriage?
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