By Ronnie Ann Ryan for YourTango.com
If you’ve been a fool for love, you’re not alone. Plenty of women have been. Here’s how to move on.
It happens to everyone at some point — you do things for love that you know are not so smart. You become a fool for love.
Have you done any of the following and fallen into this trap?
- You believed a guy who told you a lie and you sort of knew it, but chose to ignore it
- You gave and gave and gave and got so little in return
- You loaned a guy you loved money because he was in dire straits and he never paid you back
- You held out hope that he’d make time to see you when weeks had gone by with nothing but texts
- You let being treated poorly slide a couple of times so you didn’t rock the boat
- You accepted relationship crumbs from some guy seeing other women hoping he’d pick you
- You traded sleeping with him for the hope he’d love you
- You knew he did things that didn’t jive with your values but didn’t say anything and risk losing him
- You held out hope things would somehow get better when you were miserable
Hey, you’re human. And as a dating coach for 12 years, I get it. I myself have been a fool for love which is how I know so much about this. I was crazy in love with my boyfriend from college — he was so smart and to me so masculine and attractive. He played hockey in high school so he had lots of muscle, was 6’2″ with auburn hair and eyes. Combined with those freckles I adore, he was a symphony of warm golden red that made me melt.
Like the old poem about a little girl with a little curl on her forehead, “When he was good, he was very, very good, but when he was bad, he was horrid” He didn’t treat me well most of the three years we were together. Everything changed after our first six months together when I started being a fool for love. For some reason, he told my roommate that he wanted to break up with me. She somehow convinced him not to do it. I think he fell out of love and stayed anyway.
He didn’t know what he wanted out of life or what to do. This was my first introduction to the “joy” of being with a man who doesn’t know what he wants. Usually that spills over into his relationships — and it sure did with us. He wasn’t a bad person, but he was unclear about his future which can make being in a relationship difficult for any man.
No One Said “You Deserve Better“
When I complained about him to my girlfriends, no one ever said, “Break up with him. You deserve better.” Back then we all just tried to figure out what it meant and how to work around it. Even my mother didn’t tell me to move on. Truth is, I have found out over time most people don’t actually know much about being in a healthy relationship.
Draw a Line in the Sand
Finally I drew a line in the sand to establish a boundary. I didn’t tell him about the line – it was my decision and secret. But I decided if he crossed that line one more time, I’d leave him. That’s exactly what I did. We didn’t have a fight and I didn’t explain myself. We ended our Saturday night when I dropped him back at the dorm instead of having him stay with me. I said good bye knowing what that meant to me. I was done being a fool for love!
He must have sensed it because he never called me again after three years together. That worked fine for me. What was there left to say? He simply didn’t love me anymore or the way I wanted to be loved.
If you are in a situation where you are being a fool for love, as a dating coach for women over 40, I encourage you to find the strength to let go and move on. If it’s been four dates, four months or four years, you deserve better. Holding on to a man who treats you poorly crushes your self-esteem. Thinking that he’s better than nothing is totally not true and will keep you miserable.
This is not a case against men. Not at all. I love men and am a huge fan of love, dating and lasting relationships. My point is that you deserve love, real love that includes being compatible, respect, communication, fun, good sex, growth and joy. Will there be rough patches? Most likely because that is part of growth. Stuff happens, then you have to work through it. It’s called life and it makes your relationship stronger.
Please know I’m talking about consistent bad treatment from a man who won’t communicate, tell you what’s going on, come clean or just be straight with you. That’s where you deserve better.
Give A Man A Chance
Should you give a man a chance? Absolutely! Give him a few chances. Yet, you need to be strong and be willing to draw the line at some point if your self-esteem, health, or general welfare are at risk.
This is your life. Please don’t say you can’t help it. You can! It’s your job to take care of #1. Honey, that means YOU! Please know as a dating coach for women, I’m behind you 100 percent. And know this too because it’s really important: There is more than one man who you can love in this life!
You most likely have had more than one love already. Just because one guy didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you are doomed to being alone or doomed to another bad relationship.
Don’t Dump A Good Man
There are many dating tips for women, but here’s my best advice on this subject: The future of your love life is still bright if you are willing to start by taking care of yourself and know that you deserve better. On the other hand, don’t dump a good man because you want a better man. But know that you can leave a man who is not right for you and still find one who offers that loving bliss you crave.
The Possibility of Healthy Love Exists for You
Will it be easy? No. I’m not here to lie to you. That does nto deny the possibilities before you. I’m here as your dating coach rooting for you. Cheering you on. Healthy, lasting love is completely possible and your destiny. Once you decide you want that, please let me know. I want to support you in that vision, clear up confusion, help you understand men, and make sure you avoid common heart-breaking errors that keep you single.
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Excellent advice. As a serial monogamist, I have done (almost) every one of those things on the list at some point in my life and here I am, single again. Being overly romantic has made me a sucker for fast talk and vulnerable to some creeps. I’m don’t feel ready to date but maybe a coach isn’t a bad idea…
I am a huge fool and cry for him often. He’s in jail and I know he is not good for me but the pain loneliness and loss of a companion are all setting in one month since he’s been in jail after 6 months of dating someone who wanted me to move to Texas and start a new life with him. Now just picking up huge pieces of my life which were shattered. Good riddens…please pray for the longing to stop.
Good advice, but I do not thing gender should be assigned to being “a fool for love”. There are plently of women whom are just as manipulative as men. Trust me, I know.
This is a women’s site, why wouldn’t you expect their articles to be written from a woman’s perspective. I promise you men weren’t left out of purpose. You know, women are allowed to do that…write about something from their perspective. Just because it’s done doesn’t mean the same subject doesn’t also happen to men. Stop your whining, we aren’t trying to wipe you men off the face of the earth, we are just doing things that don’t include having you in our heads 24/7.
I wish i would find a woman who can love me so dearly
What if you never loved anyone more than this guy and feel you were destined to have him as the love of my life. I know I shouldn’t be with him now. It’s been 6 months ago since I last spoke to him after hanging up saying “stop wasting my time”. I love him so much though but myself more so his toxic self is not in my life right now.