Manipulation of a child’s mind and attachment bonds in a negative way is abusive. So is Parental Alienation.
There are times in divorce when one parent hates his/her spouse more than he/she loves his children. When this occurs, toxic things happen. Things such as parental alienation.
Parental alienation, when a child turns away from a parent in an extreme form, can occur in both intact and divorced families and in families where the alienating parent is the primary residential caregiver or not or when the parenting plan gives equal timesharing.
Both genders have the potential to be the targeted parent. Mothers, despite typically holding the brunt of the childcare activities, even today, are not immune to being on the receiving end of the alienation. And it is not necessarily related to the time-sharing plan, although there may be a correlation. Fathers can have the classic every other week visitation, joint time sharing or the bulk of the residential requirements and even an occasional visitation because it’s not so much about access when you are dealing with a pathological personality.
It happens when one parent, the alienating parent, typically has a personality disorder, often of the borderline and/or narcissistic type.
How does it begin? Harboring contempt predates the onset of the behaviors that characterize this process. But when it starts it is the alienating parent that, most obviously or quite subtly, makes derogatory comments, demeans, negates and even berates the targeted, often good parent. And yes, this can occur quite subtly, depending upon how manipulative the alienating parent is.
Comments are soon accompanied by a stonewalling of sorts to the targeted parents: “Sarah is not feeling great tonight so she can’t have her sleepover”, “Blake has a big test on Monday and wants to stay here to study and meet with his tutor.” The latter becomes harder when the targeting parent is the non-custodial parent and the time-sharing is limited. But nevertheless, particularly with virulent personalities, anything can occur at any time.
9 Warning Signs that Parental Alienation is Present
Early warning signs of parental alienation might include things like:
- Exclusionary requests by the child (don’t come to my baseball games)
- Oppositional or oppositional-defiant disorder in a child that previously demonstrated none or minimal symptoms
- Shut out or requests made by the child to not attend parent/teacher conferences.
- Shut out from school meetings (by the other parent via subtle and not so subtle methods) and no longer listed as contact parent for school/camp
- Being challenged by your child; they become argumentative and combative and, in the extreme form, exhibit provocations to the point of explosive rage reactions back to your child
- A sense of entitlement to receive parental tasks/gifts yet arrogance of how they are better than this parent
- A failure of the child to identify any prior positive bonding experiences
- denigration of the targeted parent that he/she can’t do anything right. In fact, you might hear words from the targeting parent repeated which can be very triggering
- the child takes responsibility for the alienation and rejection; it was their idea. When confronted they don’t acknowledge manipulation by the pathological parent; in fact, they hold the process of rejecting as their own.
Pathogenic parenting is such that the parent’s approach is so aberrant that it creates in the child psychopathology, that can be transient, or, if not intervened, chronic and longstanding and develop into a personality disorder as well.
When to be Vigilant in Dealing with Parental Alienation
It has been clearly documented that parental alienation occurs in families in which one (sometimes both) parents have a personality disorder, typically that of the borderline and/or narcissistic types. Healthy parents don’t produce this sort of pattern. In fact, according to Dr. Craig Childress, Psychologist, and expert in PAS, children don’t turn away from parents unless there is a perpetrator lurking and a perpetrator to whom a child is afraid. Think about it-children don’t turn away from pathologic parenting; they are too afraid. But they will turn away from a loving kind healthier version; there is nothing to fear there. These are the parents of whom the child is most afraid to lose; not the parent with whom they can feel consistently safe and loved.
So, for you, the mom, if your husband has shown signs or has been diagnosed with a severe personality disorder, typically of the type mentioned, I suggest you be vigilant and aware. And, as noted earlier, this can happen even when that parent has limited access to the children; that is how vitreous the sick parent can be. Remember, people listen to a narcissist; they believe him, mostly out of fear. Children don’t know that but you should.
Why be Vigilant
There are very few things worse than when a parent is shut out. In fact, parental alienation is not for family court, although that is how it is handled; instead, it is child abuse. Manipulation of a child’s mind and attachment bonds in a negative way is abusive. It weakens the bond between mother and child and impedes upon the development of the self of the child. While on the outside it appears to have given them power, in essence, it weakens them by not allowing them access to their true selves. And they know that they are the unifying power since without them there would be no continuation of the family; this creates a whole host of complicated emotions.
Further, it is bad for the family. It creates chaos, a lack of cohesion, stimulates unhealthy subgroups and interferes with sibling bonds. It interrupts the natural course of the family.
Divorce/Separation causes sadness, grief, anger, fear amongst other complicated emotions and when these come out they may be expressed around and to the children. When the angry parent says/does things to turn the child away from the parent things become complicated.
The child, due to loyalty to both parents and typically fear of the angry parent, allies with them and starts to believe what they are saying about the other parent, who is typically not only the good parent but perhaps the only good parent during this process. So in order for the child to not have to face their own pain regarding their targeted parent, they shut that out and turn away. That is the dynamic right there. While conflicted, its much easier for them to not face themselves, even into adulthood, and stay away.
A Few Do’s and Don’ts
If you suspect at all that your soon to be ex-spouse or current spouse, has any degree of a personality disorder mentioned about, be cautious.
Don’t react to their defiance and/or eventual provocations. Do respond in the way that you have been and with further love and limits. Don’t accuse the other parent or refer to the other parent in that way: do take the high road. Be very aware of your own boundaries and how/if/when they are being crossed. If you have concerns, talk to a professional. When a child changes behavior there is always something behind it. When a child shows signs of alienation, there is always a perpetrator lurking.
FAQs About Parental Alienation:
How does parental alienation begin?
Parental alienation begins after one parent continues to harbor contempt for the other for some time. This leads the parent, who has contempt for the other, to debase, demean, negate and even berate the targeted parent.
Is parental alienation restricted to divorced families?
Parental alienation is not restricted to divorced families, and can be found in families where parents don’t get along with each other well.
Are mothers more susceptible to parental alienation?
Both parents are susceptible to parental alienation. Mothers fall prey to alienation despite carrying the major share of childcare activities.
What kind of parent alienates children from the other parent?
The parent with narcissistic traits is often behind alienating children from the other parent.
Is parental alienation a form of abuse?
Parental alienation is the worst form of abuse because it drives a wedge between a parent and children. Needless to say that it causes troubles for the children, who need both parents in their lives for their physical and psychological well-being. Experts say children often carry this hatred for the other parent into their adulthood.
Just wanted to leave my two cents here. My ex is accusing me of parental alienation. While some of your points are obviously valid, my kids were perfectly happy after the divorce for almost two years, until my ex thrust his girlfriend into their lives abruptly, and they lost their ability to spend time with him alone. Since then, the two of them have tried everything – and I mean EVERYTHING – to try to gain full custody of the kids and cut me off completely. In their efforts, they have both gotten physical with one of them, and the other is constantly telling his Dad that he doesn’t listen. Because their attempts to make me look bad were transparent to the kids, and they’ve been drilling the kids about life with me, taking photos of their agendas, making false accusations, and so on in front of the kids, and now because of the most recent physical reprimand by his girlfriend, neither wants to go to his house this weekend. THEIR actions have had the negative impact on the kids, while I end up playing mediator when they’re with me and drawing lines at how they deal with their anger. I don’t think you can accurately say that when a child shows ‘signs’ of alienation there is always a perpetrator.
Hi Tessa, Thank you for taking the time to respond and share some of your story. It is not my position that every time children don’t want to go to one parent they are being alienated. Often times it can be a reflection of something going on in that particular household. You look for alienation when it is all in-all good or all bad. When there is an extreme position we look for an alienating parent. it is not uncommon for children to have ambivalence towards seeing parents following a divorce when there are new people added to the family.
Hi Barbara, I’m so sorry, I’m just seeing this message now! I’m not as proficient with this site as I should be! My divorce, probably like most, was very contentious, and my ex’s girlfriend controlled everything including the court process to the best of her abilities. My lawyer did all the negotiations with her instead of my ex because he kept deferring to her – unfortunately, now the kids haven’t seen him since October 7th last year, and he cancelled Christmas 2.5 hours before I was to fly out to the states for the week he was supposed to have them. It was almost like he was trying to ‘build’ a case for alienation. Unfortunately for him, the judge refused him shared week-on, week-off custody, and they live with me full-time now – yet he was going for sole custody. None of us can understand why he wouldn’t pick the kids up or talk to them anymore 🙁 At any rate, he has asked that they do reunification counselling in September (I’d been begging him to go to counselling for years); I don’t like having to play mediator and constantly have to find positive ways to explain what’s going on to them. Sadly, I think my 14-yr-old is too angry for things to change in their relationship anytime soon. Divorce is horrible, and the kids are almost always the victims 🙁
I believe I am dealing with some form of PAS with my two boys. My ex-husband we believe suffers from borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. In my experience this is and has been an extremely complicated and challenging situation, and I’m not sure what if anything I can or should do to help the situation. Can you please point me in the direction of next steps? Or other resources perhaps? Any help is so appreciated!!!
Hi,
I believe that my sixteen year old has alienation syndrome. It started about two months ago. She was asking me if she could stay exclusively at my house foregoing her scheduled time sharing with her father. I, like always, pointed out that her father always enjoys his time with her and that she should cherish those opportunities. In other words I would not let her disrespect her father nor would I allow her to not go over there. She and I have always had a great relationship. But recently she has been getting into trouble… nothing big, but normal teenage things. So the restrictions started. She apparently went to her father and told him she wanted to stay there exclusively (to avoid accountability). He took the bait. He blindsided me with papers from a lawyer. Because now that she is 16, the judge will grant her emancipation. He said she was upset at me because of the way I mothered her … but before she was making bad decisions, we had no issues… the only issue I see is that I held her accountable for her actions. So since then, her father bought her a new car and let’s her do whatever she wants even thought her grades are in the dirt. She now blames me for everything and “parats” her fathers grievences against me. It’s almost like she is his champion for his cause. He hates me and loves this because he is finally feeling vindicated through her. She now will not speak to me and blames me for everything including how I was raised by my parents (don’t know how she knows that information). It’s so crazy. I’m heart broken. Not sure how to proceed. Her father is the only influence in her life right now. Wish he could see that this is not the way to fight his battles.
Heart broken mom. 🙁
I know this was a year ago, so I’m not sure if your situation has changed, but my story almost exactly mirrors yours. My heart is broken, but the more I try to talk to my daughter about it to repair things, the worse things seem to get. Has your situation gotten better? I’m at a total loss here. My daughter is her father’s only child, while I have twin 9 year old girls as well. He likes to feed into her “only child” role at his house..while I’m struggling to support a family of five. I’ve tried to maintain as much “conventional” family values as I can for our blended family, but now there is a break. My young daughters are hurt that they don’t see their big sister much. If we have nothing fun going on she leaves for her father’s where she has no curfew, unlimited funds, no accountability. I’m broken. I feel shattered and I want to still be the best Mom I can be for my younger two, but it’s hard.
My soon to be 16 year old son will not even speak to me. We always had a great relationship up until 9 months ago. My son lived with me for the past 8 years ever since his dad left us. However, after spending just one month alone with his dad, he began hating me. He blames me that the marriage ended, yet his father left us. He says I ruined his father’s life. Yet, his dad is the one with all the money and a girlfriend. How could I have ruined his life? My son now calls me all the horrible names his dad always called me. My son does not have one good word to say about me. My ex always hated me and has brainwashed my son severely. I never even had the chance to let my son see the police records of all the abuse I endured from his father. I tried to get legal aid help but I did not qualify. I can’t afford an attorney. My ex stopped paying child support and told me that if I try taking him to court, my son will tell the judge he wants nothing to do with me. My son told me the same thing. I am beyond heartbroken. I can barely make it through the day. My son loved me with all his heart until the month my ex had him alone. I’m devastated. I want to see my son. Please help me. I am still listed as the custodial parent, yet I don’t have my son. I am traumatized by all of this. How could my son forgot our close, loving relationship. He’s almost 16. Where did his memory go? I’m afraid that my ex is abusing him just like he abused me. Please help! I can’t take this pain.
I was wondering if this could also be applied to step-parents?
I have a 12 year old son with my ex-wife. We separated in 2012, hardly on the best of terms & our relationship since has been turbulent at times. Despite her infidelity, & manipulative behaviour throughout the divorce (& since) I have never bad-mouthed her in front of my boy, but rather reinforced his relationship with her at all times.
I have been living with my fiancee since 2016 – she has 2 boys to a previous relationship also.
I have 50/50 custody & my boy lives with us half the week, but recently hehas started to display signs of parental alienation towards my fiancee – she is the primary care-giver due to my work schedule & absolutely adores him, treating him no different from her biological children.
My boy’s attitude & behaviour has gradually deteriorated, the situation recently coming to a head when he deliberately planned & then upset our youngest boy (5 years old). It was the last straw & we have lost all trust in my boy. He is now refusing to come & stay & will only engage with me when my fiancee is not around… he wont even speak with her to apologise.
I know my ex-wife has told me she is jealous of my fiancee & the strong relationship/family-life we have, & has told him her (sometimes negative) opinion of my fiancee… could that be the root-cause of him alienating her??
The writer made an error that on the surface, might seem trivial, but, in fact involves a very important distinction. She stated that Dr. Craig Childress is an expert in PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) when he is arguably the foremost expert on the topic of Parental Alienation (omit ‘Syndrome’). His ground breaking, brilliant work provides theoretical foundation and models that are grounded in well established psychology already in the DSM. The robust models should not be confused with or conflated with PAS which relied heavily on Gardner. It is best to gain understanding of Childress’ work when discussing the topic, otherwise one will risk making arguments from ignorance.
thank you for your clarification.
Anonymous
18 Jul 2018 at 12:37 pm
Memories fading fast
Of a life we shared not built to last
Hoping you’ll remember me
The good times we used to have
For now your dad will finish raising you
Don’t hate women it’s not our fault
Dominated by men with jealous hearts
I wish you well my baby boy
Mom loves you more and more
‘m sorry for the long delay. It sounds like he’s pulling her close for his own benefit of course to the detriment of everyone else in her inner circle most notable herself. i’m sure its a struggle and while this may seem frustrating you are fortunate you still have contact with her. that said, i would certainly consult someone locally as to how to deal with her since you have that option. this is very important since many parents have even less contact with little opportunity to make change. Blending is also hard even under better situations.
My heart breaks for you and your boy as it does for me and my girl.
I think you need to be careful with these determinations. Parental Alienation Syndrome is now so well known and advertised that abusive parties latch onto it. So, now one party is not only dealing with an abusive ex partner, but one who is flipping the script and making the safe parent out to be an alienator. Kids know who is safe and who is not, and I think often times the same symptoms would be seen in kids avoiding an emotional or mentally abusive parent and one being alienated. It is like meta-abuse when someone is abusive and also accusing their ex when the repercussions of their abuse is a damaged relationships with their kids. My point is not that PAS doesn’t happen, but that extremely manipulative people who are abusive will know about it and point to it to excuse their own bad parenting that damages relationships with their kids. In those cases, the safety of the kids and other parent are at stake. It is not uncommon that someone is abused and then accused of abusing. And, psychologists can’t always tell which is going on. At some point, kids may get extreme with their language as they get desperate for someone to listen to them. If psychologists interpret that as a sign of alienation (all bad), they are just further invalidating them and making them feel voiceless.
My mom I want her to no longer be talking to me stay out of the basement stop calling me on the Alexa device telling me dinner’s ready I wanted to live with my dad and my mom took me away from him because she said that he would kill me and she told me she never said that and I remember her saying that. My dad was a firefighter and he got home late so my mom threw a pizza at him. And I’ve got my dad angry so he grabbed my mom by the hair and dragged her across the floor.
My 40 year old daughter has been estranged from me for 2 years. My ex refuses to speak to me or let me know if she is ok? What do I do