Last weekend there was a New York Times Modern Love essay in which a woman describes the impact of her decision to divorce, and her parents’ multiple divorces, on her life. She talks about the divorces being transformational and even positive in certain regards. I thought her stance was a welcome relief from the gloom-and-doom articles not so subtly suggesting that divorcees lack moral fiber and that getting a divorce ensures you and your children are on the highway to Hell.
Judging by the reactions in my Twitter and Facebook feeds, most people had a different take on this piece. They thought it trivialized and legitimized divorce. They thought the writer was in denial. They cited studies that most marriages are low-conflict and could, and should, be saved. They said that kids are so damaged by divorce that they never recover.
Blogger Penelope Trunk argued this last point in an incendiary piece deriding divorcees (she has one divorce behind her) as being “immature and selfish.” She even said that divorce “reflects mental illness” and that most people divorcing have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Trunk’s reasoning has led her to remain in a second marriage in which she is physically abused. She believes that it’s better to let her children grow up in a floridly abusive household than to go through another divorce. She defended this point in one infamous blog post she wrote in a hotel room that she and her children escaped to after her husband whacked her. She even posted a lurid photo of her bare, bruised nether regions — as she simultaneously wrote about not wanting to be a “quitter.”
I am tempted, at this juncture, to make a snarky correlation between Borderline Personality Disorder and certain married people, but I will refrain from doing so.
Here’s what I think — and I say this from the point-of-view of someone who had a financially and psychologically devastating divorce that did hurt my kids.
The real problem with divorce is not divorce. It’s the meaning people make of it.
Why should those who say that life is better post-divorce be accused of being in “denial”? I’ve known many adult children of divorce who said they were relieved when their parents split up and have no desire for them to reconcile. Are these people in denial too? Is it not presumptuous of anti-divorce enthusiasts to superimpose their experience of divorce on that of others?
I’m going to switch gears and talk about adoption for a moment because its inherent loss and reconfiguration of family is similar to divorce. And adoption, like divorce now, used to carry stigma.
I was adopted in an era when adoption was shameful. Adoption was hush-hush back then. No one talked about it, but there were tacit assumptions in the zeitgeist. Adoptive parents were defective because they couldn’t conceive. Birthparents were defective because they were irresponsible and probably crazy. Adoptees were defective because they were the product of parents who were irresponsible and probably crazy.
No one else in my family was adopted. Kids teased me about being adopted. When the subject of my adoption arose, my mother often cried. Guess how I grew up thinking about adoption? I thought it was the freakiest thing in the world. I was convinced I was fundamentally flawed and I made it my life’s mission to look “perfect” so no one would see there was something inherently wrong with me — although I couldn’t pinpoint what that wrong thing was.
My adoptee neurosis led me to choose a husband, and a set of in-laws, with whom I could never be myself. After years of trying to be who they wanted me to be, and hiding who I was, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Then I got divorced. I believe that I would probably have an in tact family today if I hadn’t had such a negative experience of adoption. I believe that, had I grown up to feel I was okay who I was, I would have found the right person the first time around.
But this doesn’t mean adoption is bad, or that adoption caused my divorce. It means that my interpretation of adoption was lousy and that, in large part, set me up to get divorced.
Until recently, I assumed that adoptees who said they felt like they fit in with their adoptive families, or that they didn’t ruminate about being adopted, were in denial. There is all kind of adoption literature out there to substantiate that belief. But the literature is based on studies of adoptees who have had negative experiences of being adopted. Well-adjusted adoptees don’t show up in clinical settings.
Adoption looks completely different now than when I was growing up. It is seen as just another way of having a family. Kids who aren’t adopted don’t make fun of kids who are adopted. Classroom discussions of how families are formed include adoption.
Adoptive parents are comfortable talking about adoption with their children. Adoptees often have contact with their birthparents. It is no longer freakish to see a white family with a child of a different ethnicity. And with all the celebrities adopting, adoption has become downright trendy.
Psychological health is closely related to cultural narratives. If you doubt that, think about what fat-shaming, gay-bashing and gender oppression do to people.
Removing the Scarlet D from the foreheads of divorced people is not going to make the happily-enough marrieds jettison their unions. The argument that liberalizing divorce laws threatens the institution of marriage makes about as much sense as insisting that legalizing gay marriage hurts straight marriage.
Yes, there needs to be divorce reform, but not to make it easier to get one. Family courts need to put mechanisms in place to sanction compulsively litigious exes and order them to pay the other party’s legal fees. Child support shirkers should have their drivers’ licenses revoked. Fifty-fifty splits on children’s expenses should be adjusted to reflect the resources of both parties; someone who makes $50,000 should not be expected to pay the same as someone who makes $500,000.
If you must pass judgment, pass it to whom it belongs. Sadistically homophobic pastors and their brainwashed flock. Racists who murder innocent children who happen to have different skin color. Corporate honchos whose let-them-eat-cake attitude is decimating the futures of those who have no access to cake.
Divorce is going to happen. So let’s take the stigma out of it. Let’s do what we can to minimize the loss. Let’s make it harder for high-conflict exes to wreak havoc. Let’s set up intentional communities where single mothers can live together and support each other in raising children.
Let’s consider the possibility that those who say life is better post-divorce aren’t in denial. Maybe they’re just speaking their truth.
Great post Pauline! I think there are plenty of kids who suffer in homes where the parents are very unhappily married. The kids from divorced parents that seem to do the best from observing my own group of friends, are the ones whose parents have put their children first and aren’t mudslinging, putting their kids in the middle of a war zone or using them as bait in the settlement. Unfortunately, many divorces aren’t amicable.
Well I can say that for me personally both divorce and adoption have had no stigma from my parents side, though my mom still calls my ex my husband As far as my parents, adoption and myself my mom had a personal experience where her cousin was adopted and since this was in the 40s/50s her aunt, uncle and cousin moved far away so the cousin wouldn’t learn she was adopted. In my case it was always common knowledge, in fact once out to dinner my son at 4 informed my parents I was adopted. We just accepted as a part of our lives. Now for me personally I think that combined with being adopted and the way I was treated by the ex I do have abandonment issues. I like to think those have made me more self reliant, and to make doubly sure my kids don’t feel that way at all.
As far as my kids and my divorce the ex left, the kids didn’t react much at all over that fact. It took 2.5 years for us to divorce, my son (12 when his dad left) thought it had happened long before it really did. My daughter at 7 now needs to see her dad, more than she really does so it hurts when she asks when she will see him again. Though not bad enough for her to want to call him. I always leave the communications lines open for my kids, just because I want nothing to do with the ex they still do. But he was an absentee parent even when we were together.
I really think and believe that as long as the kids are put first, and this does not mean staying for the kids. Because how can it be good for the kids if you are a wreak. Things can work out in the end. But you both have to put the kids first, oh and also no bad mouthing the other parent. From the beginning I told my son to call me out if I ever said anything bad about his dad, Neither kids deserved that.
Well I can say that for me personally both divorce and adoption have had no stigma from my parents side, though my mom still calls my ex my husband As far as my parents, adoption and myself my mom had a personal experience where her cousin was adopted and since this was in the 40s/50s her aunt, uncle and cousin moved far away so the cousin wouldn’t learn she was adopted. In my case it was always common knowledge, in fact once out to dinner my son at 4 informed my parents I was adopted. We just accepted as a part of our lives. Now for me personally I think that combined with being adopted and the way I was treated by the ex I do have abandonment issues. I like to think those have made me more self reliant, and to make doubly sure my kids don’t feel that way at all.
As far as my kids and my divorce the ex left, the kids didn’t react much at all over that fact. It took 2.5 years for us to divorce, my son (12 when his dad left) thought it had happened long before it really did. My daughter at 7 now needs to see her dad, more than she really does so it hurts when she asks when she will see him again. Though not bad enough for her to want to call him. I always leave the communications lines open for my kids, just because I want nothing to do with the ex they still do. But he was an absentee parent even when we were together.
I really think and believe that as long as the kids are put first, and this does not mean staying for the kids. Because how can it be good for the kids if you are a wreak. Things can work out in the end. But you both have to put the kids first, oh and also no bad mouthing the other parent. From the beginning I told my son to call me out if I ever said anything bad about his dad, Neither kids deserved that.
Excellent post, Pauline! Don’t know where to start so I’ll start first with P. Trunk. She’s not a credible source for business, let alone women’s issues. For any women to take abuse under the mistaken belief that it’s better for the kids is not thinking with a full deck, especially in the 21st century. I’m sure she got quite a reaction on her blog to her posts. Anyway, I wasn’t adopted. There were six of us and my mother didn’t have much time to teach me or any of my siblings about self-esteem or relationships. She did the best she could. I’ve had a lousy record in choosing boyfriends and one husband. I wish parents did a better job preparing their kids for the real world and how to make relationships work. But, the world is imperfect and I think most people just do the best they can, some better than others. Anyway, I think it’s kind of hard for anyone who’s been divorced to try and second guess if only I had done this or been that, that we wouldn’t have divorced. In closing, I am sick and tired of the religious right blaming women for divorce, rape, abortion, the evils of society, ad nauseum. I am sick of their hatred of anyone that doesn’t fit their narrow definition of what a “good Christian” is. The Republican Party can delude themselves that there is no War on Women and that it’s a fallacy created by the Democrats. There’s a war on women and I don’t need a man or a Republican to try to convince me otherwise.
I spent my whole childhood waiting for my parents’ difficult, fight-filled marriage to end in the divorce my mom always threatened. It was an agonizing perch on a precipice of doom. My husband’s folks divorced when he was 13, and he was a much more socially-adjusted person than I for much of his life.
Your perspective on this is brilliant – if there is no stigma or shame involved, then people can make rational choices about what is truly best for them and their families. Another friend has an eight-year-old son who, when asked how he liked things once his folks got divorced, said, “I get to see Mommy and Daddy a lot more now.” Children need adult role models who actively believe that they deserve every happiness.
Thanks for weighing in, Cassie! My own parents stayed married until my mother died and it was a barren marriage with no overt conflict. I never heard a fight. THey cared about each other but were like roommates and my mother, who felt ignored by my father, turned me into her love object. It was a lousy, burdensome way to grow up. So when people defend staying in barren marriages because there is no blatant conflict (although I would argue that passive-aggressive conflict is extremely destructive) and the kids will be happier — it makes me nuts.
Amen, Karen!
Exactly — it’s what happens after the divorce that’s most important in terms of the kids’ well-being.
I agree with you. I am envious at such a civilized divorce. But I do believe divorces like that do happen.
My marriage to my ex was a mistake. I never could have spent “the rest of my life with him,” even if I was being paid…and paid well. As for my child, while she wonders now why we can’t get married again (I would never, and he got remarried about a year after we split), I know, unequivocally, that her life will be happier in the long run. People have to make choices for themselves and not worry about what “other people” say. There are billions of people in this world and the mold doesn’t fit all of us. Hell, it probably only fits a few.
I have not read the Modern Love article or articles by Penelope Trunk, but I am one of those who cites the research about low versus high conflict marriages and the affect on children. I don’t like divorce and I was a Stander when my husband left me–we rebuilt our marriage. But at the same time it upsets me when people are judgmental towards the individuals who are divorced. Certainly some may be in denial about post divorce, but not all. Some are truly better off and happier. I am a marriage advocate and of the believe that most marriages (most, not all) have the potential to be better, for repair and to become great. But sadly people do not put in efforts to realize the potential, it’s the difference between can and will and I though I blieve they can, I don’t necessarily believe everyone will; that saddens me.
I also find the judgment upsetting because many divorced people had it done to them. Many and maybe most of the people at my forum will eventually be divorced; it’s not what they want, they aren’t bad people and they are trying to do what they feel is best for their families by Standing for their marriage. And given the conflict many are going through, there is a lot of pain but also there may be some relief with a divorce.
What frustrates me is the conflict rather than rational debate that goes on between two sides. I’m for divorce reform and there are some on that side that are attacking, argumentative, rude and come off arrogant when they comment; that does not help my side of the issue and the same is true for the other side of the issue. I understand high emotions, but I still wish people cold have a polite discussion with all sides being considered.
I don’t know a lot about adoption…yet. But Sweetheart and I are now trying to adopt. I know that today people are more accepting–and I have cousins from both sides who are adopted; they’re just my cousins. But I still feel the emptiness of not carrying a child within–I so want that experience and it does hurt me that I am missing it. I also want to breastfeed–it may be possible–because of the health benefits and maternal connection. I am embarrassed or ashamed for some of my fears. One of my adopted cousins has had a criminal history–I love him anyway! Another on the other side is estranged, he grew up farther away and so I have not known him as an adult, but he stole from his Dad and has drug problems and was left out of the will. His sister made a comment to never adopt, then realized she was saying it to me and apologized. I knew what she was saying and my surprise was that she too is adopted–and she’s wonderful. Then there’s a friend from childhood. She’s had problems since she was a teenager–drugs and such–and had a son right after high school who has been raised by her parents–he’s a great kid. But I get this fear that what if my children have more problems…are they going to be genetically predisposed? And then I feel so terrible for thinking such awful thoughts about babies! Then to add to it, we are adopting from the foster program–we want a sibling group–a 3 or under and an infant. Our future toddler may have experienced abuse, neglect and other terrible things…what will that mean for their future? What if they were born addicted, will this mean they are mentally impaired? Then I remind myself that I love children and when I see any children–such as while shopping–all I see is their purity and God is going to match us with the children who are meant to be ours. I’m excited, nervous and then more excited, but I keep having to remind myself that this is how I’m meant to become a Mommy and all children are perfect in their unique ways.
Oh, I forgot to say that from your description of Penelope Trunk’s belief I do not agree with her at all! Being a Stander does not in any way mean I think someone should stay with an abusive spouse. YUCK.
Wow, Penelope Trunk needs some serious help. I agree with you. No one WANTS to have a marriage fail. Sure, some people might be able to save their marriage and might break up over stupid things, but most have legitimate reasons.
I’m a child of divorce. It’s interesting to me because my parents are actually SO alike that it’s hard to see how the marriage failed, but basically, I think my dad worked too much and had a midlife crisis and things went awry. My dad now regrets the way he handled things, but he seems to have ended up happier. My mother never remarried, which always made me sad, but she said she was done with men.
Oh man, wrote a too long comment and lost it. Great post. I don’t feel the stigma much, but it is stupid when it happens. My divorce does put my children at a disadvantage, but not because they are lesser human beings or that I’m frivolously free, it’s because the divorce process resulted in an “agreement” ha! that causes the kids to miss organized and social activities, opportunities and sleep and makes them anxious about schedules. Constant worry. Too many family obligations, because now there are additional families. It’s hard. Plus a whole lotta other crap.
Getting out of a toxic situation was not my choice, but in the long run it is better. Though I can’t say I’m happy, I’m glad I’m not married to him, and divorce certainly seems to have benefited him. I just wish I’d had been stronger during the process. The current system sucks, though antiquated in some ways and based on gender differences (which actually do exist), the older system worked better. People should never marry or have children without understanding current divorce/custody/support laws. (Maybe this is way I don’t get invited to wedding showers? — ha!)
So I believe some kids have it harder after a divorce, but that is because of the laws and suggestions , disparities and assumptions built into the system. Sucks.
Family law sucks, that’s for sure.
Excellent post. Stigma (and its subsequent management) affects identity in such profound ways. I credit my ability to people-please (to a fault) and allay social conflict to my childhood as a closeted queer boy. I totally identified with the ‘false self’ that resulted from your desire to fit in…and be perfect.
Well said!
That False Self is burdensome, isn’t i? Here’s to shrugging it off!
“Let’s do what we can to minimize the loss. Let’s make it harder for high-conflict exes to wreak havoc. Let’s set up intentional communities where single mothers can live together and support each other in raising children.”
You said “loss and havoc.” Pretty good description of the real-world experience of divorce. So, given that this loss and havoc is going to happen in most divorces, shouldn’t we do everything we can to minimize divorces? And isn’t it infinitely easier to remedy the situation by boosting marriage preparation/education instead of attempting to change human beings into robots who don’t lash out when betrayed and abandoned by divorce? We can’t change the “fight or flight” response activated by divorce; it’s built into human nature. Also, why attempt to create single-mother communes instead of develop better preparation for the natural husband/wife commune known as marriage? You think single-mother communes won’t have fights and divorces?
The answer for today’s widespread marriage failure is better education and preparation for marriage, and perhaps mandatory marriage counseling.
I’m firmly of the belief that what needs to happen FIRST is Marriage Reform. I believe getting married should be complicated, difficult, and something a couple has to work hard to do. I think it would weed out a whole lot of divorces and stupid idea marriages.
As for what other people think of divorce and divorcees– well I read this great line recently and it’s the only thing that comes to mind: “What other people think of you is none of your business.” We all know when people are spewing venom from their mouths it has nothing to do with the person or group of people they are talking about and everything to do with themselves. Feel pity for them because they are clearly struggling with a concept– happiness, love, marriage, fidelity, loyalty, faith, whatever. When they start, in my mind I roll my eyes and hold up a giant mirror to them.
My friends who are children of divorce were the first of my friends to encourage my decision to divorce. They told me that my divorcing, leaving an unhealthy marriage, was important not only to myself, but to my daughter. They told me that they admired my courage.
Penelope Trunk’s extreme views are interesting because they fan the flames, not because there is inherent merit in them. She is shocking, and reading her posts gave me that can’t-look-away feeling, but I certainly wouldn’t set much store by them or make life decisions based upon them! (I feel very sorry for her, though. I wish she’d leave her abusive relationship and get help.)
My decision to divorce was the most painful of any I’ve ever made. I didn’t have the courage to leave until I realized that staying was hurting our daughter, modeling a way of living I would never want for her. I wanted to leave for “selfish” reasons (his lack of love or respect for me chief among them), but I decided to leave as much for my daughter as for myself. It’s not too late to teach her a better way of life, even if that’s alone.
Thanks for this thoughtful essay.
Big hugs to you, Pollyanna. Leaving is very, very hard. I think the children of divorce know of what they speak. Also — the adult children of crappy in tact marriages.
PollyAnna, what I love about Pauline is that she is willing to say what others hide: namely, divorce brings countless negative unforeseen consequences. Most people do not realize this hard reality, and so Pauline is doing humanity a great service by honestly detailing the many harsh consequences of divorce, and then weighing those harsh consequences against the choice of staying married in a difficult marriage. Pauline knows divorce is no easy solution, and may not even be “a solution” at all — just a new set of problems.
By an overwhelming margin of cases, moving from tough marriage to divorce equates to “out of the frying pan and into the fire.” There are very few exceptions. The two exceptions I can think of are child-less marriages and marriages between rich people. Those marriages can break up with little consequence.
But once marriage becomes “a team” (i.e., you, your spouse, and children all as one), the break-up of that team is excruciating, and it comes with chronic, long-term problems. The NEW problems resulting from divorce linger for decades. People need to know this if they are to make an informed choice about how to handle a distressed marriage. I argue that the solution to marriage difficulty is not divorce, but mandatory pre-marriage education and relationship skill training. The utter lack of marriage preparation in our culture is the direct cause of marriage failure. No one would enter a business partnership or even get a drivers license with as little preparation as we have for marriages. To do so would be disastrous.
A happy marriage is not just automatic, even for the most “compatible-seeming” couples. It’s more like a garden, which needs ongoing tending to keep beautiful. Divorcing and finding another person, in most cases, just starts the same pattern all over again, perhaps with a new set of personal conflicts. Humans are humans, so there really is no perfect spouse.
Tawny, thank you for your kind words. Divorce rarely solves problems, that’s for sure. And I’m all for premarital training, I actually think it needs to start in high school. I do think, however, that it is very hard and perhaps not advisable to hold a marriage together in certain circumstances — chronic infidelity, addiction, personality disorders, abuse. And people really can be blind. I look back now at all the red flags that I knew were red flags and chose to ignore because there was so much irresistible razzle-dazzle. Also, i was incredibly codependent. But back to your point — we need more marriage preparation, absolutely!
Pauline, I agree with your statement that it “is very hard and perhaps not advisable to hold a marriage together in certain circumstances — chronic infidelity, addiction, personality disorders, abuse. ” Such extreme situations are mostly un-manageable even with the best professional help.
Having said that, most divorce cases do not involve such extreme problems, but rather derive from chronic emotional discomfort, disappointment, or neglect that slowly builds and builds until–apart from some key intervention–it blows up. Divorces along these lines can be managed and even repaired using the right relational and educational tools and skills. But marriage skills and education are not something we are born with; they must be learned one way or another, hopefully prior to marriage, but also during marriage. And it takes two to repair any relationship. If one partner has fully given up, it is extremely difficult for the other to compensate. Conflict resolution requires two willing parties.
Divorce solves only one problem: it separates two people who aren’t getting on well under the same roof. But it then generates dozens of unforeseen long-term problems that can be far worse, especially when raising children is involved. Single parenting sucks, and the new significant others and spouses and kids who then enter the picture generally just introduce new complexities that are out of control. Life gets very chaotic, and the kids suffer serious but unintended neglect as the parents seek to rebuild their lives from scratch. Kids are totally dependent and need a predictable, stable home environment to help their own development into mature people.
No two marriages are the same. Its difficult to place a “one situation fits all” solution upon everyone. If parents can remain civil and be commited to raising children together is what is most important. A wedding band or the fact you don’t live under the same roof is irrelevant.