My divorce was tame compared to some. There were no domestic abuse issues, no custody battle issues; we went our separate ways with no physical harm done. I can’t say the same about emotional harm but, as I learned the Family Court System is ill-equipped to handle the conflict created when a man has a personality disorder or is hell-bent on using the system to punish their ex.
As a matter of fact, it is my opinion the Family Court System is ill-equipped to protect anyone whose divorce is high conflict. Judges, Attorneys, Psychologists, and other court-appointed personnel EXPECT divorce to be one size fits all and when it isn’t lack the skills to support civility. What you get are platitudes and an attitude that if you are engaged with an ex who creates conflict you must be playing a role in the conflict also.
If I had a dollar for every person I’ve heard from and worked with who felt let down by the Family Court System, I’d be sporting a new pair of Manolo Blahniks.
How the family court fails to protect women.
1. Contempt of Court: If a man fails to pay child support or defies a portion of the court-ordered divorce decree, there is the ability to “petition the court for contempt.” The only problem, it will cost you attorney fees to do so, and rarely is a defendant held responsible when found “in contempt.”
In my years working in the divorce industry, I’ve not heard one story in which a defiant, in contempt man, was held responsible by a Judge. If you are a mother dependent on child support you will find very little protection from the Family Court System.
2. Crushing Financial Expense: If you are engaged in a custody battle or high conflict divorce you will find little or no legal support from the Family Court System. Especially if you are in a “he said, she said” situation that increases the time involved in the divorce process. Judges have little patience for those who stall their docket and divorce attorneys who thrive on prolonging the conflict to enrich their practice do nothing but encourage the conflict.
3. The Best Interest of the Children: The Family Court is set up to protect the rights of both parents, which in turn will supposedly protect the rights of the child. This concept is meant to be in the best interest of the child since the focus is on equitable rights for both parents. But, how do you “equitably” divide a child?
Custody battles take place when one parent feels they are better equipped the care for children than the other parent. Personality disordered individuals will use the Family Court System to abuse an ex-spouse which leaves the children as collateral victims.
Judges are busy, skeptical individuals who have packed dockets and little tolerance for quarreling parents or the personality disordered father. They are more concerned with getting a case “solved” and clearing up their docket than taking the time needed to distinguish between fact or fiction and in the end, doing what is actually in the “best interest of the children.”
4. Domestic Abuse Cases: Abusers use the court system to exert control over an ex-spouse. They manipulate attorneys and judges who end up playing a role in further harm being done to the ex-wife and children born to the couples. The very people who the courts are sworn to protect!
When a mother, the parent most likely to make accusations of abuse of herself or her children enters the Family Court System she and her accusations of domestic abuse are met with suspicion and it has been my experience that judges don’t want to hear it.
Many mothers are tuned out and turned out into the cold with few resources because the Family Court System would rather hear a story of cooperation…the “happy divorce” gets much more attention than the high conflict divorce. After all, happy divorces, those with little or no conflict are quick and easy for a judge to run through his/her docket.
Final Thoughts:
Here is an example from personal history with the Family Court System of how women are viewed if you attempt to use the system to protect yourself and your children. I have a friend who is a divorce attorney. She has been privy to the issues in my divorce that kept my ex-husband and me in and out of court for seven years. She knows how many times he defied our divorce agreement and what that defiance me for the children and I.
I recently posted a comment on a Facebook discussion she was having about something that had occurred in the local Family Court. It is has been years since I’ve been involved in that particular court system but, due to my profession, I remain curious about changes.
When I questioned her about the issue, asking about names and the particulars she replied to me by saying, “Please Cathy, don’t stir the pot.” Stir the pot? Her belief that I am a pot stirrer is based on the fact that my ex defied every aspect of our final divorce decree and I filed petitions for contempt to have him held responsible. I’m the bad guy for holding him accountable!!
In my friend’s eyes, I’m someone who stirs the pot or makes waves because I expected a system that is set up to protect my children and me, to actually protect us. I had the audacity to use the system in the way it was set up to be used. And due to that, I am viewed in a more negative light than the person who defied orders from the judge, emotionally abused his children and caused those he left behind extreme financial and emotional distress.
Bottom line, the Family Court System fails us by not protecting those who use the system as the system was designed to be used. If you are a mother trying to protect your children, your assets or your legal rights via the Family Court System, the cards are stacked against you.
I agree with everything you said as I found myself in similar circumstances. The question is how do we fix it or get around it?
Yes plz help , is the same for me and every mom I now , plz help us what to do? Where to get help? I abuse for 20 years and now in divorce is getting worse plz help I can not take it
I am a mother of two beautiful kids from Greece. My seperated spouse with the assistance of his attorney, who is a friend of him, managed to take the temporary custody of our kids. My daughter at the time was 4 years old and my son 6 years old.
I notified my spouse that I want a divorce after 9 years of being together. He then became furious and he attempted to struggle me in front of our kids. He lied that I attacked him instead the opposite. After I sued him for domestic violent, I followed all the legal procedures.
The verdict of that male judge, was that I am the one that I am crazy, violent, aggressive, dangerous and incapable of being a suitable mother because of my past. I attented NA meetings for many years after shortly and occasionaly I smoked weed in my teens, 20 years ago without any psychiatric past!
The male judge also decided that although according to him I am crazy and incapable as a mother, whom I both breastfed them and never abandoned them, I should pay for child support as usual because I am highly educated employee that works in a big company and I earn more money than my seperated spouse, although I had no place to live.
After that I had to undertake a various psycological tests and visit many psychiatrists in my attempt to prove that I am not crazy and I dont take any drugs. Also my kids and myself attended psychiatrist for kids and couselling sessions that showed that our kids are suffering, one with depression, due to those changes.
I have spent a fortune to lawyers and court’s expenses. I have tried twice to appeal on that verdict but my applications were characterized as illegal. You can not easily change temporary legal verdicts.I am now waiting for a new verdict of the court on permanent custody. It is been a year now and I still live without my kids, I still cry almost every single day and I finacially struggle to survive.
…my seperated spouse still drives our sport audi, in which I am the half owner.
Due to my personal experience, women’s position in Greece is not equal to men’s. The judge gave him the temporary kids custody although he knew from my official hospital papper that I ended up with bruises and that my seperated spouse had applied to spend less time with our kids (I had their custody with temporary order before that court). Domestic violence happens behind the curtains. How can you prove it? My daugher mentioned the incident to a psychologist.
Great posts. The crushing financial expense is especially true. My wife and I have been dealing with legal battles from her narcissist ex-husband for 10 years. To date, he has filed 7 Motions to Enforce Orders with a total of 138 alleged violations. All of them baseless, but each time I have to hire an attorney to defend my wife in court. We have spent a total of $76,000 in legal fees in this 10 year time frame. We have spent money on attorneys to help, but they have caused more harm that good. In addition to battling with my wife’s ex-husband in court, I have also taken on these negligent attorneys. I have gotten refunds and wrote Dispute It – A Layman’s Guide for How to Get an Attorney Refund & File a Bar Grievance to help others. We have a trial next week and think we might finally get justice in family court. We hired the best attorney in the area and think the latest Motion to Enforce is the most frivolous one ever filed. Our attorney is seeking sanctions against my wife’s ex and her attorney. We welcome prayers.
Ken Gilley