I am just going to say it! The court system sucks. When my twins were infants, I was the one at home handling everything all alone every night while my ex was out partying and drinking. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, yet he got 50 percent custody of our kids.
How is it that the one who wasn’t there for them, who didn’t take responsibility, gets rewarded by getting 50 percent custody while the person who was there for them all the time taking full responsibility, not to mention giving them all the love and care they deserve, gets punished by losing time with their kids? I am sorry, but I don’t get how that makes sense.
How is it that someone who was emotionally abusive is allowed to spend alone time with the kids? If he had physically abused me, I would have had some recourse, but because my scars are not visible, it’s as if it doesn’t exist in the eyes of the court. Yet, the truth is, my kids have to spend half their time with an abuser.
I continue to struggle and work hard to make ends meet. Don’t get me wrong, I have two wonderful children, a good job and a nice place to live, food to eat, and a small social life. My kids also go to a great school, so I know I am very blessed. But divorce takes a huge financial toll even on the one that didn’t want it. It’s a shared burden even though I had no choice in the matter. So I still have a lot of catch up to do.
My ex was able to land a great job at a big well known company. He has the kids on his time, but when he has other plans, he conveniently asks me to take them. The kids have expressed that they want to spend some extra time with me, and he uses his power and won’t let them saying it’s “my day.” He nickels and dimes me on doctor/dentist bills while all along being late on child support. I hold strong that my day will come, but I don’t want to have to fight him. I want peace in my life, and want to heal.
I have an amazing father, so I know the importance of having a dad in my kids’ lives, and I don’t want to take that away from them. I just wish the courts would realize that taking young children away from a loving, caring mother who has been there for them from the beginning, isn’t in the best interest of the children. I can guarantee you that if child support was inversely related to time, my ex would happily give more custody so he can have more of that bachelor lifestyle that he left me for. My ex doesn’t want to pay me a penny more, so he will make sure that I don’t have the opportunity to ask for it.
I am not saying he doesn’t love our children. He does in the only way he knows how. I am not saying it’s wrong that we share custody, or that the kids don’t want to spend time with him because they do, and they should spend time with him. But it’s just so obvious to me that the way the system is set up, it’s more about the money and not about what is best in the circumstance.
I am sure I am not the only one that thinks the system is corrupt. I know I can take him to court over child support, but that will cost me time and money as well. I wish there were a way for the court system to see how easy it is for people to take advantage of the system. In the end, it’s the kids who suffer. How is that in their best interest?
- The Hidden Reason Child Support Is Better Than Alimony
- What You Need To Know To Calculate Child Support
- 5 Options When Your Ex Repeatedly Violates Your Custody Agreement
- Gender Bias In Family Court? I Don’t Think So!
Jessie White says
Gah!! I could have written this…my ex was also emotionally abusive. We have 50/50 custody. No one pays child support though in our arrangement. He buys them nothing, pays for nothing then gets pissed when I ask for his half. Holds out on me for weeks.
I felt like my lawyer didn’t even consider the emotional abuse relavent. She wouldn’t even discuss it, nor would the lawyer appointed to my children. But its just like you said there are no visable scars. I have never been physicaly abused so I guess I can speak on the similarty or difference, but when will victims of emotional abuse be taken seriously??
Paul Portesi says
Excellent article. Thank you for sharing.
Jennifer Jansen says
I have been divorced for 3 years from an emotinal abuser. He dragged the divorce out for 7 years. I was a stay at home Mom for 17 years with no income. He inherited 10 million dollars. I don’t want his money. I just want to see my youngest daughter for half the time, and have enough money to do that. Our 2 older children want nothing to do with him, and they live with me.
I put off divorcing this man as long as I could, knowing what it would entail, all of the nasty lies he would tell to make his story credibal. He suceeded in the first round. We have shared custody, I have visitation. REELING STILL.
Just because I don’t have money does not negate the fact that I was with our kids every day, taking care of their needs. I am their mother. Money does not make a parent.
You rock. These biomoms are crazy b****es. I wish they could understand that we inherited all of the problems associated with their divorce and marriage without ANY RIGHTS, or RECOGNITION, but all of the responsibility. I love my stepson as if he were my own and only want the best for him.
I am not sure what state you live in, but you c ould have not expressed the court system any better!!! My husband spent my pregnancy and the first 7 months of our daughters life cheating on me; spending time with his girlfriend instead of with his wife and new born daughter. I got up EVERY night, I did deverything. Then comes the day I am slappe din the face with his “second life”. I file for divorce and the courst think it is a good idea for him to noe spend more time with her.
I know for a long time judges just favored the woman even if she was not the best caregiver-but lets take things case by case-my daughter belongs with her mother!!!!!
Actually, your daughter belongs with both of her parents. Her father may have made mistakes, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his child. I’m certain that he didn’t spend every moment of the first 7 months of your daughter’s life with his affair partner. He may not have gotten up at night but, he bonded and loves his child. The majority of fathers do and that is why the courts are realizing that both parents loving and having time with their children is best for the child. Your daughter is lucky she has a father who requested extra time with her. And, it is about your daughter and her needs, not yours.
As the payee that makes no dam sense when the judge sets it as unallocated. It punishes us for leaving a spouse for abuse or neglect. He causes the rip of the family but yet we the payee get taxed.
Also the child is caught in the middle . She is stressed out, you r stresses out. Hmmm I was told by my autistic child this is stressful going to two seperste houses. I feel bad because her dad is a idiot.
My ex was convicted of a 3rd degree felony and I finally got away, physical abuse at that point obviously. But he still got 50/50 custody and my kids hate it. My story is much like this one, I was home with the kids while he partied and went to bars and other women’s homes. Now I am stuck in this, while my kids cry because they don’t want to be away from me for a week at a time and they feel like they are shuffled around.