Starting just one week after my ex and I told Luca we were divorcing, my then six-year-old son decided he hated me. He morphed from the snuggly moppet who asked me if I could marry him into a Linda Blair-like creature, projecting verbal vomit all over me.
“I want to stab you with a knife!”
“My dad says you’re the bad one and he’s the good one!”
“I hope my dad remarries and cuts you out of the picture!”
This went on almost daily for seven years. Along with screaming fits, pushing, scratching, and stalking me around the house until I slid down into a crumpled heap against my locked bedroom door.
Growing up as an adopted kid, I had never felt truly connected to anyone until I gave birth to my son. Then to have that bond ruptured, over and over and over, was beyond excruciating. It was sewing a limb back on only to have it yanked back off. It was Demeter wandering the parched earth, searching for Persephone. It was a sick lifecycle deja vu: as my birthmother lost me, so I lost my son.
Over the years, I learned the art of numbing myself. I learned to stand outside pain, and become a narrator to my existential nightmare.
That other woman is blinking back tears, watching Prince smirk as Luca runs into his arms.
That other woman’s stomach is lurching as her nanny describes how Prince’s mother told tales of her former daughter-in-law’s “mental illness,” with the children standing nearby.
That other woman’s cheeks are flaming as her son refuses to acknowledge her at his elementary school graduation, and watches as he hugs his stepmother seated on the front row bleacher.
Fast forward through a custody battle, then a year-and-a-half in residential treatment for Luca, to every other weekend “visitation,” to a week ago at a local pizza place.
Luca, now sixteen, announces casually, “Mom, I really don’t like my dad.”
“Now, Luca, you didn’t like me for a long time,” I said, sinking my teeth into a slice of pepperoni in order to hide my jubilation.
“Yeah, but that was because my dad demonized you.”
“Hmm,” I said, swallowing. Pizza had never tasted so good.
“Why is he such a control freak?” Luca turned to his friend Paolo, seated across from him at the table. “My dad tries to control everything my mom does at her house.”
“My dad is the same way too. He tries to control everything too.”
As I listened to Luca and Paolo lob stories of patriarchal tyranny back and forth, an immense wave of gratitude poured over me.
After years spent keeping my head above despair, the invisible wall between the other woman and me had finally collapsed. And in the process, that other woman stepped back inside me, and my two halves became whole.
I am relieved that Luca has figured out his dad. It isn’t so much about vindication — okay, 25% is about vindication. But mostly, I’m grateful that Luca has developed the ability to think for himself. With all the brainwashing he received growing up, it’s staggering that he has — psychologically, at least — broken free of the Your Mother Is Evil cult, and that he has done it while still living with the cult leader most of the time.
Although it’s paradoxical, and contrary to the Parental Alienation conventional wisdom never to stop fighting for your child, I’ve come to believe that letting go brought Luca back. Letting go of the custody battle. Letting go of trying to control the outcome. Letting go of my hope of raising Luca in a traditonal context, or at all. Letting go of the embarrassment of being a non-custodial mother.
I’m squeamish about saying my nightmare happened for a reason, but I do think going through the gauntlet forced both Luca and me to define whe we are, and what we believe. And I believe that our story stretches beyond the two of us, that it gives Alienated Parents a glimmer of hope, and proof that ruptured relationships can be stitched back together.
So grateful, that he is figuring it out. Clearly someone he has seen has pointed out that you were ‘demonized’ by his dad, that doesn’t sound like something he figured out on his own. I’m so glad that you guys are on strong ground and it seems like it is stronger every day. Awesome!
OMG I just hit publish on my post on Hostile Aggressive Parenting and saw your post. I am so happy Luca can say it out loud. I am so worried the brainwashing will never let up and Grant will always be daddy’s puppet. You give me strength and hope.
I can relate to the pain you experienced in the early years. Our daughter “belonged” emotionally to my ex and blamed me for the fact that her dad was leaving. She had been actively encouraged to disrespect and mock me and even to reject my parents.
It’s been two years, and our relationship is improving. My ex’s grotesque insensitivity led him to introduce his girlfriend to her from minute one of their relationship, and that helped her to establish more normal expectations of him.
But nothing is as painful as watching your kid detach from you because of a vindictive game your ex is playing with both of your lives. You want to defend yourself, and you can’t do it without being like your ex. So you bite your tongue. . . mostly.
Glad things are sorting themselves out for you. Vindication — I’d rate it higher than 25 percent!
Valerie — you busted me! It IS higher than 25% 🙂
I am a new reader in the middle of a 4yr nightmare. I am thankful to have found you for support, resources, and a glimmer of hope as I am up against a textbook Narcissist who has labeled me mentally ill, lied and manipulated repeatedly with the most sincere disposition, and alienated me from our sons life who is now being raised by a handful of babysitters. Dad was uninvolved in every aspect of our sons life since birth. Yet, here we are. I am up agaibst a man with money abd I am financially ruined, I have once weekly supervised visitation, and praying daily that his heart will soften. It has not yet.
My question is what do I do as my child has special needs and is nonverbal? ..
I have to keep fighting..
Hi S — first of all, I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It sounds even more complicated since you’re son is non-verbal. Generally, parents are still entitled to access to kids’ school records even if they don’t have custody. Perhaps there are teachers you can speak with? That would help you maintain a pipeline to your son.
Not only do I not have the money to continue the custody battle (especially now that I pay child support to my self-employed (read: self reporter of income to IRS) exhusband & health insurance for my daughter, but my ex dragged my daughter into a sick charade when she wasn’t even supposed to appear at court. I would love to be able to make sure my daughter gets the intense support I believe she deserves, but the only people who listen to me are other parents experiencing alienation, true friends, & my own mom — not the professionals (or even necessarily “friends” & “family”). Thank you so much for this post — so many “friends” have judged me even though they have NO CLUE about the insane dilemma that is extreme parental alienation with it’s sick psychological games guaranteed to undo anything positive a caring parent attempts.
I am also squeamish about saying anything happens for a reason, but I’m completely comfortable finding reason in everything that happens.
Firstly, I know I’m not a divorced mum but the roles are reversed in my case. Not to the extent where there’s hate and loathing but no nice words said about me but my ex or any of her family.
This is SO refreshing to read! Being the alienated father for 2 years to my now 4 year old boy has been so very very hard. I always thought I was a strong person but his mother ground me down over the years and I subdued and all but gave up trying to have any kind of meaningful relationship with my son because of her constant denial of acces stating he had a cold, hair cuts that only she could take him too, other family obligations etc..
For 2 years my longest visits have been 4 hours on a Saturday in a very broken ritual of 5-14 weeks with no visitation and out right refusal to allow phone calls, facetime, and even the shortest of visits just to say hi.
After she asked me to leave the family home, I did so and left her everything to avoid upheavel of the family home, thinking I would get to see him every other weekend for the whole weekend at least. That happened once.
I’m hoping that in time I can have this kind of refreshing awakening as you have where I finally get to be the loving father I want to be, to our son. Until then I keep trying, bend to her constant rules and demands.
Thank you for the hope that I have been doing the right thing by not getting involved in the politics, court orders and constant demands that it can all work out for the better in the end.