Not too long ago, Huffington Post ran an article that featured a mother’s regret for leaving her children with their father post-divorce. She explained that the divorce left her feeling emotionally and psychologically fragile and she chose to live with relatives for a few years in order to regroup. She went on to explain that she regretted the decision, but it was the best one she had at time. Now that she is back on her feet and has the means to provide for her children, she is in the process of regaining joint custody.
The comments were mostly negative, excoriating the mother for “abandoning” her children. The remarks seemed to be based on the sexist message ingrained in our culture that any mother who does not have custody of her children is a derelict who deserves to be shunted to the margins of society. The responses lauded the father even though the mother alluded to a marital situation that appeared to have been abusive and a divorce that was punitive — she apparently did not receive child support since she stated she didn’t have the means to care for her children.
Few readers approached the story with a shred of objectivity. They applied gender-biased conventional wisdom that a woman’s primary purpose is to be a mother, and that she should be able to execute this task in saint-like fashion, regardless of the circumstances in which she finds herself.
I chose, after a long, deliberate and painstaking process, to give my ex-husband essentially full custody of one of my children. It was the most wrenching decision of my life, but one that I felt I had to make. My ex-husband has bottomless pockets and had ground me down financially in a custody battle. I was spent psychologically and worried that even if I did have the financial means to keep fighting, I would lose the emotional stamina to care for my children (my ex did not try to get custody of my daughter, of whom I have primary custody).
Because my ex was an alienating parent who had put my son in the miserable position of having to take sides, I still would have “lost” my son even if I’d won the battle. He would have wanted to be with his father and I would have had an ungodly level of friction in my house. Finally, the custody battle was brutal on my son’s psychological well-being and I was afraid he would snap if I didn’t give my ex what he wanted.
I wrote about this process in a piece for Huffington Post. The piece garnered upwards of 1600 comments, most of them eviscerating me for the choice that I made. I was accused of being “unfit,” suspected of lying about settling out of court, as some believed that only nutjob mothers don’t have custody. I was also told that I had ruined my relationship with my son and that he would grow up hating me. Basically, I deserved to be despised and ruined.
What happened after relinquishing custody is fodder for another blog post, but here’s the nutshell: my son ended up in residential treatment where he finally got support from objective parties who didn’t force him to take sides. He was able to see the conflict between his father and me in a more balanced way. Our relationship is the best it’s been since his dad and I split up nine years ago. My son will be returning from boarding school next month, and will live with me every other weekend.
I write this to show that sometimes a mother’s best choice is temporarily to relinquish the day-to-day job of parenting. Only when I extricated myself from an untenable situation could healing begin. I have connected with many non-custodial mothers, and not one of them is a “deadbeat.” They had different reasons for not having custody (many lost custody due to vindictive exes), but they never stopped loving their children, or wanting them back. For most of them, their efforts to regain custody have been thwarted by their exes. They all talk about the damage gender-biased stigma has done to their self-esteem.
The bashing of non-custodial mothers needs to stop and be replaced by a realistic understanding of the obstacles faced by the typical single mother. Single mothers who lack sufficient (or any) child support, who have no family available to help with child-rearing, who scramble to find work and yet are still unable to provide appropriate housing for their children, are in an oppressive situation. Some are able to soldier on and create a better life for their family, and some are not. But those who are not deserve compassion, not contempt.
Raising children does take a village, and single mothers especially need support. When mothers have sufficient support, they are better able to care for their children. Affordable community housing for families helmed by single mothers would help those mothers provide for their children, while giving children the benefit of an extended family network.
If single mothers had more support, fewer would lose custody. JK Rowling, Harry Potter author and an inspiring single mother, is president of a UK-based organization called Gingerbread which raises awareness and funds to help single parents (including fathers) living in the United Kingdom.
One of my dreams is that someday an organization like Gingerbread will exist in America. Tearing down non-custodial mothers, and keeping them in positions where they cannot raise their children, primarily damages the children. So let’s jettison judgment and do what we can to support all single parents.
Very well written!
My sister was forced to give up her children, too because she couldn’t afford to keep them and they were boys who were showing signs of becoming unmanageable. It broke her heart, but she knew it was best for them. They have a good relationship now, and she thinks it was the right thing. But it’s never easy. At least Prince was able to pay for help for Luca. I’m glad you’re seeing him on your home turf again. BTW Gingerbread started a s grass roots organisation in the 70′s and has grown enormously from there. It took one person…
Fantastic post, Pauline. This is such an important issue and one you have expressed with sensitivity. There are cicumstances where the mother may not have a choice but to give up custody for a period of time. The abuse an ex can dish out sometimes spills to the children making a situation untenable as you say. I wish more people understood this!
I remain shocked, Pauline, by the vicious nature of some comments. Without full knowledge of the personal circumstances of the writer, people launch into all sorts of criticism and outright condemnation. I ofttimes think this is more of a reflection on the commentator than on the victim of their insightful analysis. Extreme and outrageous views do nothing to promote a dialogue which would lead to a better understanding of our collective problems and to viable solutions according to the circumstances of the writer who raised the issue in the first place.
To all the armchair generals and Monday morning quarterbacks: I am not so quick to judge and I would advise you to do likewise. After all, someday you may decide to blog and tell your story and you will be none too happy to find a plethora of self-anointed experts who will tell you in great detail of how you are less than an ideal human being in their eyes. When you’re the one looking down the barrel of the gun, your perspective on a problem and on how to deal with it is quite different.
Great post, Pauline.
You rock, divorced Pauline. I have learned so much from you and know that I will continue to do so.
This is great and I so appreciate it. My ex uses alienation tactics and the fact that he has more money and is somewhat well known to his advantage. We’ve been through a divorce 10 years ago and always shared custody. He took me to court this summer because he wanted to move away and bring my son (i’m also remarried with a child from my current marriage). He didn’t care that he would be uprooting my son from the only place he’s ever known, his mother, step dad and brother. Everyone thought I had it in the bag, but he had told my son that if he doesn’t tell the guardian that he wants to go with that it would ruin his dad’s career. That was such a heavy thing to lay on him. The guardian wrote a report, said it was the hardest one he’s ever had to do, but recommended my son go with his dad with very liberal time sharing. His dad is so smug about it and he and his wife are now making all the decisions and trying to leave me out. It’s really been terrible. He is very controlling, but nobody knows this because he acts completely different around people. Everyone thinks he is the best dad and the nicest person, but they don’t know him at all. I think he is a narcissist and a sociopath. Anyway, it’s nice to see that I’m not alone. I feel very alone in this situation, and I can feel people’s judgement upon me often. Thank you for writing this!!
Hilarie, I relate to your story on so many levels. How hard this must be for your son and for you. It’s a crap shoot in family court. You didn’t say how old your son is but at some point he’ll be able to make his own decision about where he wants to live. All my best to you.
Hey, Pauline,
As you know, I was a noncustodial mother for one of my kids, too. I had raised both of them alone for 10 years after my ex moved 600 miles away and was out of contact. That didn’t change the fact that he was allowed full claim to them when it was convenient (and, incidentally, made it possible for him not to pay child support, which was no doubt advantageous in his new marriage). He did get one of them and then did nothing with him while my son raised himself the rest of the way. I did what I could but also had another child at home, a full time job, and 120 miles distance from my son. The good news is that it all turned out okay–we have a fine relationship now and it was worth the many, many, many trips to see teachers, connect with doctors, etc., etc. And the second mortgage. But we all remember the horror of that time. There are absolutely NO winners in a custody battle. And the heartache of having my son leave at 14 is permanent.
Ginger, it’s important for non-custodial parents to know that it can turn okay as long as you hang in there and don’t stop trying to make contact. Although it’s excruciating while you’re going through it…
I cannot believe there are actually women like me out there! wow! I am in tears…literally. I wish I knew about you back then (’99 and afterwards). I was even shunned by my family and church…and ended up in the hospital more than once. Only by the grace of God go I…
http://aroundeverycornerat.blogspot.com/
I will write you,
Jenny
Jenny, I’m so sorry. Non-custodial-mother-shaming is awful. This piece ran on BlogHer and the comments I got from one woman were horrific…so much judgement from people who don’t get it. It’s there problem, not yours, but I get how psychologically devastating it is to be the target of blame and shame.
Very well stated post. I think mothers pretty much get it coming and going. Whatever we do, it’s never good enough. And trolls have no compunction about blasting their views in heroic anonymous fashion. Single parents need help and compassion, not rage and contempt.
Thank you for this inspiration. I have beat myself up over and over for allowing my son to live mainly with his father during the school year. My hope was to provide him stability rather than rocking his world even more. I know my son and he needs consistency. I wanted him to sleep in the bed he was used to rather than going back an forth. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I knew that the other party would not agree to allow me to have my son the majority of the time. I had to make the sacrifice of making this situation as normal as it could for my child.
There’s a good piece on BlogHer today, written by a mom who let her daughter go live with her dad. You should read it.
I am a single mom. I lost custody of my daughter to a sociopath 24 yr older than I. I was self represented in court but after four years of the trauma I became frustrated with the courts. There was no protection, no principal, just discretion. I was in denial about how much I was hurting and started to make his treatment of me make sense. I asked the court not to make him pay child support because it aggravated him so much that the abuse wasn’t worry it and the system had already proven that the police were no help. Then I decided if had full custody then his battle with me for power would collapse and he would naturally give her to me of his own ideas. I am in so deep with the overwhelming realizations of my lost time, all the strife my daughter has endured, how she is internalizing these conditions and acting them out, what the court thinks of me (coo-koo/unfit), what is my propensity for repeated victimization, how I will get help for myself, how I will lead my daughter out of this jungle of horror, how I will respond in court, and how I will regain Primary Custody!! What is the fist thing to do when a person finds themselves inextricably caught up and can’t wait to change??!
Hi Pauline, I enjoyed reading your blog post and could definitely relate. I’m a non-custodial mother since 2003 and have struggled greatly. A few years ago I tried finding online support and found nothing. Do you know of any active groups of non-custodial mothers?
There’s a Facebook page called National Association of Non-Custodial moms…but I don’t know of any non-virtual groups.
Shannon, I just read this and I found your post admiring. I ask myself the same questions. $y ex is a narcisisst and a socialpath. If its not his way its no way. The battle for power is what what my ex sought and he got it. I don’t know how to be a non cusdial parent. This is a blow to the heart. It has devestated me. My children are torn in the middle afriad they will get in trouble for having a photo of me on their bed side table. Afraid if they call me and want to be with me or even ask they fear of getting in trouble. The CP has distorted their reality and brainwahed them to hate me. I wish this would all end.
I lost custody to an overall unfair judge and ad litem dictator who did everything in there power to make false allegations against me. They had nothing to show that I was unfit to take care of my three children and my self. I had good hours at my former employment, my children had extended family taking care of the children and my children were thriving for three years with out the monster of a father I had married and chose to have them with. I am so sick of reading how all of these people know what is going on in the court system today yet, people with influence in our society are letting them get away with these horrible crimes. The fact that so many abusers are getting custody should be grounds for judges and ad litems to be removed from these positions. If the best interest of the children is what matters then how are these family courts continuing to be allowed to make such decisions based on money or abuse. The only way to stop this from happening is to take a stand against what we as mothers and fathers know today. Protection for our children should not be put in the hands of these court abusers, but back in the loving hand of the protection of the parents. There were no judges, ad litems or psychological counselors in my delivery room the day I gave birth to my children. They were not present when my children woke up at night when I breastfeed my children and certainly were not there when my ex was abusing them. So why on earth would a perfect stranger be allowed to repeatedly harm a protective parent with out any consideration to there right to protect their own children. It is disgusting, it should be illegal and all of these people should be held accountable to the highest extent of the law. I am not a lawyer nor due I claim to understand what these people are doing. But the fact is that more abusers mothers and fathers have gained custody due to unfair and illegal practices. If I find out how to help I will forward this information. It makes me so angry and sick to think that the kidnapping that is going on in our countries courts today is being over looked as if it’s just another day at the office. Every one involved in each and every custody case should be looked at with the highest regard when raising questions of abuse of any kind in the home.
Pauline
When I spend a holiday or event without the kids I try to remember that my ex-wife spends way less time with them than I do, and kind of shame myselfe for thinking that way. I will admit that the 4th of July is one of the minor holidays that bothers me. I’m big on fireworks, either launching them ourselves or braving the crowds and going to the big city sponsored events. My ex-wife is not particularly into it and will probably be asleep by 10.
My mother was a gate keeper and my step son’s mom is as well. For my mom, it backfired on her. When I was finally old enough to be heard, I rebelled and went to live with my dad. I never really forgave her. My dad forced me to interact with her as a condition of living with him, but when I turned 18, I pretty much cut her loose, and now only interact with her at the barest minimum to ensure that my kids are not denied a grandmother.
That was a long time ago and I know that they didn’t understand parental alienation and gate keeping back then, but anyone who’s doing it today shouldn’t get a pass. My stepson’s mom has never, not once, said yes to any request for extra time or time swapping to allow a particular activity. My husband almost always says yes, trying to keep the peace and minimize the stress on his son. A typical example was when my ex gave us some tickets for box seats at a baseball game for our son and my stepson’s favorite team against their biggest rivals. Sorry, that particular Saturday afternoon on mom’s weekend. Nope. She refused to let him go and refused the tickets so that she could take him. He stayed at moms, left to play video games while she went to the mall. Argh!!! It is so frustrating when compared to the relationship we have with my exhusband. I don’t think either has ever said no to a request form the other.
I think that parents, especially momss, get confused by all the info about stability and predicitiblity being best for kids. What that really means is that kids should be able to confident that they will see the other parent, not that spending time with that parent above some court ordered minimum is harmful to them.
Is there really anybody who has lost a custody fight that feels like they lost fair and square? My exhusband and I are friends and share custody. Unfortunately my current husband didn’t fare so well in his divorce. They have joint legal custody and shared physical custody where she is the primary custodian and he has the kids just over 1/3rd of the time. She wields her custodial position like an ax. She sees not getting sole custody and having to be without the kids 1/3 of the time and half of the holidays.
Thanks