Ask The Expert: Why Won’t He Introduce Me To His Children?

Question:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over six months now. We are in an exclusive relationship and we are very much in love with each other. I introduced my son (8) to him very early on since I am a single mom and to me, it was important to see how he interacts with my son. It’s going very well. My boyfriend and son get along very well. So no regrets here.

I also introduced him to all my friends and even my mom and ex-in-laws know about him and accepted him into our lives. My family has not met him since they all live in Germany.  He, on the other hand, has not introduced me to his kids or family even though they all live close by.

I had asked him twice before when he plans to do so and he told me that he and his ex have a verbal agreement to not introduce a new significant other until one year after divorce. We are both not officially divorced yet but legally and officially separated for two years.

He told me that he wants to introduce me to his kids soon but is not specific about it. At this point, I feel that our relationship is out of balance. He is fully integrated into my family and life I, on the other hand, feel completely excluded. I understand his reasons but it doesn’t feel right.

Because of him not introducing me to his kids who live with him 50% of the time I have only been to his house once. Even though he tells me that his family and kids know about me I feel at times like the mistress or the “other” family. I trust him yet a part of me feels that I am giving too much. He is very sweet and attentive, texts or calls numerous times a day and we see each other every time he doesn’t have his kids.

Why Won’t He Introduce Me To His Children?

Answer:

Before I give an opinion I’d like to suggest you read, Co-Parenting and Dating: Why He Won’t Introduce You to His Kids, a Divorced Moms article that will probably help shed some light on your situation.

Now I’d like to address a few things in your question that I found intriguing. So, if you will permit, I’ll go over these point-by-point…

1. “I introduced my son (8) to him very early on since I am a single mom and to me, it was important to see how he interacts with my son.”

Isn’t it more important to make sure your boyfriend is going to be a long-term or permanent person in your son’s life? Yes, it is important that your boyfriend get along with your son but, in my opinion, it is far more important that you protect your son from becoming attached to someone who may be just passing through.

If it turns out that your boyfriend has not introduced you to his children and family because he is not “that into you,” will you have regrets over the pain your son will feel when his friendship with this man comes to an end?

2. “He told me that he and his ex have a verbal agreement to not introduce a new significant other until one year after divorce.”

That should be all the explanation you need from him. If he has made an agreement with his soon-to-be ex and is standing by it that tells you he is an ethical, honorable man who stands by his agreements. Respect him and the agreement he made and don’t push him.

3. “At this point, I feel that our relationship is out of balance. He is fully integrated into my family and life I, on the other hand, feel completely excluded. I understand his reasons but it doesn’t feel right.”

You don’t measure the quality of a relationship with a yardstick, expecting him to give as much as you or, return in kind, a decision you made. If your relationship feels out of balance it is because of a choice you made and you can’t balance it out by feeling he needs to make the same choice.

You chose to include him; he is choosing to exclude you and has given you a reasonable answer in response to your concern. You can now choose to “feel” it isn’t right or, you can choose to respect his decision and carry on until he feels it is right for you to meet his children and family.

It is that simple. If you like him, believe he likes you and shows he does through his actions toward you then he will introduce you to his children when he feels it is right for his children. I will go one further and say this, you should pay attention because you can learn something from him about not getting children involved in relationships too quickly. He sounds like a man who puts the welfare of his children first. And that is far more important than how quickly he chooses to include you in his relationship with his children.

Let go of your worry, enjoy the relationship and stop trying to “balance” things out with unreasonable expectations.