How long should you wait to meet his kids? As you get to know each other better, more answers to these questions will be revealed, allowing him to be more open to your meeting his kids.
In the five years since my ex and I launched our site, co-parenting101.org, one of the most common queries we receive is from women regarding their boyfriend’s kids. I haven’t met my boyfriend’s child, why not? Typically, they want to meet and spend time with the kids, but their boyfriend–or the children’s mother–isn’t open to the idea. That this is a common concern isn’t surprising because for those who are dating with kids in the mix, introducing the kids to a new partner is a big step in a relationship, more significant than “meeting the parents.” Certainly, more is at stake and more has to be considered before introductions involving children take place.
The women who write to us about this situation inevitably, and understandably, want to know, “How long should I wait?” There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that questions, but below are some insights as to what a dad–or any parent, really–might be contemplating when he decides to hold off on this big step, even if you’re ready to meet his kids and have him meet yours.
“I haven’t met my Boyfriend’s Child:” Here are 5 Reasons Why
1. He’s just not that into you…yet:
Perhaps the two of you haven’t known each other long enough, in his estimation, or he doesn’t know you well enough for you to meet his kids. When I was dating, my kids were aware that I went on dates, but they didn’t meet everyone I dated. I explained to them that they were so special to me, that only very, very special people would get to meet them.
So maybe your guy believes you just might be that special person, but he has a specific timetable in mind (i.e., a certain number of months, a year, etc.), or maybe it’s more of a milestone thing before kids are introduced. He may be considering: How far along are you in the relationship? How much does he know about you, your values? What is your lifestyle? Can he trust you? Are you reliable? What are your kids like? Is your parenting style compatible with his? Are you willing to accept his kids’ well-being as his priority? Do his children have any special needs or concerns that must be taken into consideration?
How long should you wait to meet his kids?
As you get to know each other better, more answers to these questions will be revealed, allowing him to be more open to your meeting his kids.
2. He’s just not that into you:
It’s an uncomfortable truth, but it happens. Maybe enough time has passed that he knows you well enough, but he doesn’t think he’s in it for the long-haul with you. He’s not convinced that you’re The One. Or maybe he’s not sure, for whatever reason, that you and his kids will hit it off. Or maybe thought he was ready to settle down, meet someone, and gradually introduce them into his children’s lives–but now he realizes that he’s not willing to take that step with you. Maybe he needs more time to date casually, or not date at all, to figure out what he what he wants and needs in a mate.
How long should you wait to meet the kids?
If this is the case with your guy, try to respect that fact that he doesn’t feel that this is a good match. Don’t force it, and most importantly, don’t make “meeting the kids” a litmus test as a measure of the progress of your relationship, i.e., “If you’re serious about me, you’ll let me meet your kids.” Most people don’t respond well to ultimatums involving their kids, so if you feel that he’s not interested in the kind of relationship that you want, bow out gracefully.
3. It’s not you, it’s him:
As part of your guy’s divorce or breakup healing process, he may simply feel the need for more time before he’s emotionally ready to take the big step of kid introductions. Maybe he thought he was ready to jump back into dating, but it turns out, he’s still emotionally raw. Even if he was the one to initiate the break-up with his ex, he may still be mourning the loss of that relationship and may feel grief and sadness over how the break up has affected his children. His ex’s post-break-up behavior and attitude toward him may exacerbate this grief.
How long should you wait to meet the kids?
Despite all of the above concerns, he may still be looking to date, for fun, for companionship. You’ll need to decide if this is enough for you and for how long. There’s no right or wrong answer here; just each of you deciding what’s right for you.
4. He’s ready, you’re ready…but it’s still not the right time:
Even if you two are truly, madly, deeply in love, and he has no doubts about your relationship, he may have a formal or informal agreement with his ex-spouse that mandates a particular wait time or circumstances under which children will be introduced to a significant other. Maybe they’ve agreed, as my ex and I did upon separation, to keep the children out of the potential revolving door of their dating lives. Or perhaps he doesn’t feel his kids are ready for the introduction.
Also, I know two co-parents who resolved not to introduce their children (now in grade school) to anyone until they graduated high school. Your guy may have made a similar resolution.
How long should you wait to meet the kids?
It depends. Is he giving you some indication as to when he thinks will be a good time to make the introduction? Can you wait without resentment or constant arguing or pressuring him about it? Are there other ways that he demonstrates his interest and commitment such that you feel your relationship with him is worth the wait? If so, wait it out. If not, move on.
His ex won’t go for it (with a possible variation on the, “He’s not that into you” theme). It may be that your guy would love for you to meet his kids, yesterday, but he dreads having to approach his ex about it. Your guy hates confrontation, has a high-conflict co-parenting situation, and is putting off introductions as long as possible.
Or, he does a cost-benefit analysis and reasons that when he does get around to pulling the meet-my-kids trigger (and rattling his ex’s cage), it had better be for someone about whom he’s super-serious. He may be asking himself if his relationship with you is worth his incurring the wrath of his ex. (This feels harsh, but most cost-benefit analyses are.)
How long should you wait to meet the kids?
If you’re waiting and waiting just so he can placate his ex, that’s a red flag. After a break- up, some parents have a hard time distinguishing their feelings from their kids’. His ex may be telling him that the kids aren’t ready for the introduction when it’s actually that’s she’s not ready for this new development. It’s one thing to be sensitive and respectful when one’s fellow co-parent isn’t thrilled about Someone New entering the picture; it’s quite another to let a jealous, distraught, or angry ex dictate the progress of your relationship. If the latter is happening and there appears to be no end in sight, it’s time to move on.
5. Divorce guilt:
It’s not uncommon for parents–particularly, but not exclusively, non-custodial parents–to feel guilt after a divorce. They feel that they have upset their children’s lives enough with the breakup, and so they try to avoid any further disruption. Some have such limited time with their kids, they want every moment of it to be happy, kid-focused, and uncomplicated.
Some parents become “Disneyland Dads” (or Moms) indulging their children in an attempt to make up for the breakup. Others intend to keep their dating lives private indefinitely because they worry that their kids won’t respond well to the new person, or because they want to minimize the amount of change their children face in the wake of the breakup. They want life to stay as “normal” as possible for their kids. Not all of these responses are born of guilt exclusively, but guilt can cause a parent to view the introduction to a new partner as something to be avoided.
How long should you wait to meet the kids?
Maybe, over time, your guy’s guilt will subside. Maybe his fellow co-parent will be the first to introduce the kids to a significant other, and then he will feel more comfortable following suit. Again, only you know how long you are willing to wait. If you can wait peacefully, go for it.
It’s a parent’s responsibility to be thoughtful as to whom they bring around their children, when, and in what context. This doesn’t always feel fair to the new person, and certainly, no one wants to feel “hidden” and like a second-class citizen forever. But sometimes dating someone with kids is a waiting game, an endurance test that’s simply not for everyone. This can be especially hard if you feel ready to introduce your kids to your mate, or you’ve already introduced them. Waiting requires lots of maturity and patience and honest communication, sometimes with no guarantee of a relationship at the end to make it all worth it. It also requires maturity and honest communication to know when to stop waiting and move on.
As someone who waited a year, and then introduced a combined total of four kids into the mix of my relationship, I will leave you with this comfort: Remember that once you do meet his kids, you’re not only taking a major step forward, you’re also adding new levels of interaction and complexity–the dynamic among you and his kids, among your kids and him, and among your respective kids with each other. And don’t forget, the reaction of your respective exes, if they are in the picture. So enjoy the wait and make the most of this comparatively simpler time to have each other all to yourselves!
FAQs about Dating After Divorce:
Should you children meet everyone you date?
No, your children should not meet all the men you date. You should tell your children that you would only introduce your new love interest to them only if he is very special because you (children) are very, very special to me.
Why does my boyfriend not let me meet his children?
Your boyfriend may not introduce you to his children because he considers you very special and is waiting for the right time to make it happen. He may be considering your lifestyle, your compatibility with his children, your reasons for being in the relationship and a bunch of other questions.
How long should I wait to meet his kids?
Meeting his kids should not be made any sort of measure to gauge how deep your relationship is with your partner. Most people do not respond very well when you set deadlines for meeting with the kids. You can distance yourself from the man if you think he may not want the sort of relationship you want.
Is divorce guilt keeping him from introducing his kids?
Divorce guilt does keep men from introducing their children to their new love interest. This is because they feel they have already made a mess of their children’s lives and they should not do anything to make it more complicated.
What does it mean to meet his kids?
When you meet his kids, you are taking a major step forward in your relationship. The dynamics of your relationship change as it now relates to you and his children, him and your children, his children and your children. You would likely deal with your exes if they have rights to visit the children.
We have been dating for 6 years and been living together for 2 with my 14 year old son. The problem being that l have only met his kids once in 6 years and that was after l threatened to leave him. He also very involved in his kids life and basically ignores my son. He has made a lot of promises to become more involved in his life but still waiting for that happen. He has met everyone in my family and am yet to meet any of his . Rather when the come into town from overseas he makes up an excuse for me not to meet them. Currently his ex and kids are at his family on holidays. Am really tired of the whole thing and thinking of leaving him
Wait. You say he is very involved in his child’s lives but you’ve only met his kids once? Something doesn’t add up. How involved are you in his life? I mean of course depends on the age of the kids but in 6 years how do you avoid each other if you are both such a big part of his life?
Love what you write. I respond to your article about meeting the kids.
I’m waiting for over two years to meet my guy’s children. His children are 22 and 20 years of age. I want to gracefully check out but also do not want to Go on without him. He’s the perfect guy for me and this is his downside. The children’s mom didn’t want anything g to do with Dr children after they divorced 10 years ago. So no ex involved. He asked his children if they wanted to meet me and they said no. So there I stand with no opinion. Waiting. I don’t want to wait anymore. He had met my children and they like him except for my 24 year old he thinks of him as an assailed because he is excluding me. And he’s Wright.
I see more than one issue here.
1- I think he’s withholding himself in your relationship because of the bounding with his kids that is to me a bit too intense.
2- Since when 2 young adults decide of their parent life again? They’re 20 and 22, come on, time to grow up and be more independent boys! The father is giving them way to much place and consideration in his personal life. That is not ok. It is not their place to say! If he wants his sons to respect him, he has to start respecting himself first. He did this amazing job raising these two children, he made a lot of sacrifices I’m pretty sure, he gave everything he had, but now time has come for him to think of himself first sometimes. For some reason, he’s reluctant to “cut the cord” with them, it probably is very painful for him, you could help him overcome this. Help him find those reasons that makes it so hard for him to think of himself, to accept that he must not always listen 100% of the time what they think, want or like, that has become a manipulation method that’s for sure, and reassure him that he’s a very good parent when doing so.
3- it indicates me that his sons have a very poor emotional intelligence and that in itself, should concern him, a lot. Objectively, how bad their life can get if their father has a girlfriend, that he invites her over from time to time? Why seeing their father happy is so impossible for them? Don’t they have a girlfriend, a life on their own? Havent they ever had a girlfriend so that they can understand their father’s need for companionship and appreciate the woman with whom he shares some great moments? He has some unsolved business to deal with his sons I think. They must not have happy and thriving lives.
This is my situation too except for the “boys” are 16 and 22 and I’ve been waiting for 4 years. The older one does not want to meet me and the younger one follows the older one. Their mom has no doubt poisoned them against me. . My guy does not want to force or upset them. My kids have all met him and accept my relationship. Separate holidays, vacations….
Not sure how much more I can take.
What reason would their Mom have for poisoning them against you? Unless you were the reason behind his divorce, I’m sure their mother gives you little thought. Here is the bottom line, if he had long-term plans for a committed relationship with you, you would have met his sons by now.
My soon to be ex husband and I have been separated for 5 months. He is already in a relationship. At the beginning of the separation I requested that I meet any new people. He did not honor my request. In fact his entire family and our 3 year old daughter has met the new girlfriend. About a week ago, one of my family members encountered my daughter and the new gf shopping together with no other family present. I have talked with my ex about this situation. He has yet to mention anything about me meeting the new gf. I do not understand why he would do this.
Omg you are his ex. And even tho you requested doesn’t mean he has to honor anything because you are not married/together anymore. Your request sounds very controlling (sorry, not sorry about the honesty) but i think he is old enough to decide who he wants to date and doesn’t need your permission/approval. You are now Co-parenting not reporting to each other. Let him be, whatever he wants he will do even if he has to go behind your back, mayne if you don’t sound so demanding and bossy he will let you know out of his own account without feeling he still reports to you? “His ex”?
If my ex had my three year old daughter around someone I had never met, he would not get the opportunity to do so again. The Mom is not dictating his life by asking to meet who he plans to have around her child, especially around her child alone! You need therapy and a wake up slap.
Is the child being harmed in some way? Stating you need to know every single person that your child meets with an ex or spends time with without you is ridiculous. If you don’t trust him why the hell did you have a kid with him. If you think the child is in danger then take him to court and get full custody. This controlling nature is toxic and not good for anyone including the child!
This is a very interesting article. See, I never want my new girlfriend (one year dating now) to meet my kids. I don’t want to deal with this added dimension. To me, it seems like it can only make my romantic relationship worse, and I really don’t see what good it could do to my children. I find at best, it will not hurt them.
That said, I will be happy to meet her children whenever she wants, if she wants. But I don’t have to, and I will not be hurt one bit if I never see them even if we are together for the rest of our lives! Am I “not into her”? I don’t think so, unless you make “being into someone” wanting to live together, get married and all that Disney stuff. It has nothing to do about guilt in my case, I really don’t think.
See, my relationship is good. Why would I change something that is good is how I see it. My kids are happy, I am happy, my girlfriend also seems happy whenever we see each other. Why introduce a new variable? Who gains what by doing this? I am genuinely interested in responses, because my GF is very respectful of my intimacy and would never bring that stuff up. But maybe she is hoping I will do something like that.
J
You’ve compartmentalized her. If that works for the both of you, that’s great, but she’s only a part of a part of your life, I highly doubt that will be enough for her long term
No one wants to live two separate lives forever! Her children are a part of her as your children are you–you can’t keep someone hidden and think that’ll be fine indefinitely. Sounds like you like the fun, but want nothing real–because in a REAL relationship, you work together to integrate each others lives and families.
Ive only been with my boyfriend over 6 months. He was married and with the same woman for 25 years. It’s Only been 3 years after separation and divorce.
He originally wanted to wait to let a woman he’s dating meet his son when he knew he wanted to spend his life with that person but then the mother told the son she didn’t want him around anymore so it got to the point where if we wanted to see eachither I would have to meet the kid. I have a son of my own and his son is younger and we had such a great strong bond that I was sure we make it all work and I was excited to meet his son.
Well now my boyfriend says he doesn’t want me “parenting” his son (not because anything has happened I think he’s just new to all this) and I’m having a hard time understanding what that means. We have talked about living together and we both want marriage again too but I’m not getting the responses I thought. Or the progression I guess after meeting his son and spending so much quality time with him. His son loves me. Always wants me around etc. I’m confused though on his responses and lack there of. Trying not to think the worst. This is a lot to go through and I selfishly don’t want it to be for nothing.
Currently in similar situation. His ex will go spare if she knows about me. It’s been 1 year and 8 months. He wants forever with me but won’t even tell them I exist. Emotionally I’ve has enough of his words to me with no actions.
Same here but 3 years already.. He is waiting to get his citizenship and get divorced and he does not want to introduce me even though him and wife are supposingly separated but he says she can do him wrong if she finds out. I am an emotional mess, fighting with him all the time, my self esteem is so low at this moment.
Trying to end it but keep getting back together.
I suggest leave until it’s not too late. I’ve heard : “You are the love of my life, I want to be with you forever and have a family with you and just be patient, it’s not the right time” for 100 freakin times. Action was never taken to prove those words to be true.
You two have not only been together for 4 years but you are married and he tells you that you can’t “correctly” discipline your own children? You really may want to reconsider why you are with him. These seem like red flags to me.
One more point: he doesn’t want or isn’t ready to have THE talk with his child. He doesn’t feel emotionally close enough to his child to be comfortable to talk about adult/relationship/etc with him/her.
I dated a guy for 2 years and we broke up 3 months ago. Part of the issue was that he wouldn’t/couldn’t even tell his kids he was dating, so they didn’t even know about me. His mom didn’t know because he was afraid his kids would find out. It sucked to be a secret with no end in sight. He’d been divorced for 2 years when I met him. We’d gotten to the point of saying we loved each other.
I understand wanting to take things slow, but this was ridiculous. I also think it does a disservice to his kids to keep something like this a secret. Oh well, no longer my circus and never my monkeys.
I’m in the same situation but we haven’t broken up… yet. Been together for 3 years now. He won’t tell his side that he’s dating. His friends and co-workers know about me. He’s met my mom and my family knows about him. His children and parents don’t know I exist. We don’t fight about it anymore because I don’t see the point. Am thinking about bowing out of this relationship – but what if I leave, pushing him to get it together and he ends up doing it with someone else?!
hi mine 31 Iv been with my boyfriend for a year now we have known each other for 20 years and both have kids he has meet my girls i have yet to meet his children his daughter (12) wanted to meet me at first but then her mom got in her head now dosnt his son (10) on the other hand dose but dosnt want his mom to be mad at him for meeting me. Shes not a nice person and tends to act crazy.
I need help…met him 10 years ago… We were involved, but split up, but never left each other alone, even when we had other people, not right of course, but it is what it is. Then we had a huge fight, he went out, had a one night stand and she fell pregnant… A lot of drama later, I left the country he married her…we still never left each other alone, saw each other when I came home for a holiday’s and kept in touch. They had another kid, and then got divorced. I’m home now, have been for a couple of months, and I’m home for good. He has a new woman now, who he hardly sees. I have told him exactly how I feel and that he needs to choose me. He keeps saying that I left, that I’m the one who went away and just left, but he went and got married…so I think it cancels that fact that I left out. He says he can’t imagine a life that I’m not in and doesn’t want to and can’t think of me not being in his life.
We have of course seen each other and have tried to be friends, but a few nights ago, both admitted we can’t be just friends. Nothing physically intimate has happened since I have been home, but I believe it is inevitable the more time we spend together. After we said, we can’t be friends, he invited me over two days later to meet his kids. What does this mean and why did he do that? He knows how I feel, but I don’t know how he feels, he doesn’t express his feelings easily.
My family thinks it’s a big deal he wanted me to meet them, but I don’t know what to think.
Anyone with any experience in a similar situation or advice on this kind of situation, I’m happy to hear it.
Don’t want to give up on him and don’t think that I should, but he needs to make a choice.
If you insist that he make a choice, you’re not going to like the choice he makes. You’ve been involved with this man, on and off, for 10 years. What’s a few more months to allow him to figure out how he is feeling? You can take what he has to offer at this time and, in time if you get tired of waiting for him to make a decision, move on with your life.
I have been with a guy for 3 years and I’ve just ended it . He has 3 boys and there not young, 17, 16. 13. I have never met them he keeps me very separate like put away in a box to side when he sees them .
he has them every other weekend and every wed and when he does have them we don’t see him.
He has met my girl and he stays at my house when he hasn’t got his children, on the first xmas we had together he had the kids and went to his parents house and again there in Boxing Day . ( we didn’t get invited ) but i didn’t expect to
then last year he didn’t have them we went out for dinner the 3 of us .
All year we had be taking about dinner together as I told him it wasn’t fair just to leave us out xmas day and Boxing Day again. We was meant to be going out but that’s been cancelled as he said it would be too expensive and as I’ve not met them I’ve made arrangements to have dinner with my brothers and his wife don’t think xmas day is a good day to meet them .
And I don’t think we were really welcome anyway
He’s putting it of and of and doesn’t like talking about it but I’m sure his mum is cooking for them all and they are going there Boxing Day
He told me last year he was going to tell the boys he was having dinner with me and my daughter if they wanted to join us .He has never kept his word
We are kept very separate and I’ve had enough
Not even met his parents
I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years, he has two kids a 2 year old and a 6 years old. I’m so happy to be with him but now I feel like it’s been too long without meeting the kids. He has said several times that he loves me so much and that he wants me to meet His kids but he didn’t make any effort until a few months ago. He tried to talked to his ex about me but seems like she isn’t ready to let that happen. I waited a bit more and he made a new attempt to talk to his ex to start with the introductions and again she made some other excuse so that won’t happen. I’m starting get really tired of all this. Any tips please?
Why is he asking his ex for permission? When his children are with him, it’s his time and he can do what he wants. I think I’d be more worried about why he thinks he needs her permission than the fact you haven’t met the children yet. He is going out of his way to not upset his ex-wife but doing nothing to keep you from being upset. It sounds like he may still be very emotionally attached to his ex.
Hi, please can you help me. Who do I contact to delete a post?
Ive been waiting three years. He is afraid of the mother, and that she might want more child support. Feels like a lame excuse. He doesn’t understand that at 42 I simply dont have time to waste if there is no future with him. How can we be together and grow old together if his kids can’t be a part of that? He has no answer except that he’s still “scared of her”
Why would you want to build a future with a man who says he is scared of his ex-wife? And his child support excuse is lame. Child support isn’t dependent on whether or not his children meet his girlfriend. Child support is based on state guidelines and how much time he has with his children. Do you think you’ve maybe wasted too much time on this guy? It may be time to have a talk with him…”I meet your children and we plan a future or I walk away.”
I Definitely would leave!
My Bf of 3 years has 3 adult(ish) kids that refuse to just say hello as their mother is sick. She’s been sick 18 months and they won’t even let my BF introduce us bc they feel it’s disrespectful to their mom. She divorced him. I don’t want a relationship or to be buddy buddy, but I feel after all this time they should be able to say hi to me if I run into them somewhere. We all have the same social circle and it’s awkward. My kids welcome him with open arms and they don’t understand either . Sad and don’t get it
Also we were engaged at one point but we both decided to not go public out of respect for the ex and kids as she found out right after she has cancer . That was 18 months ago. And he won’t move forward now bc of the illness/ kids don’t feel it’s right bc of their mom issue now. Don’t want to sound like I don’t care bc I do. Have bent over backwards to put our/my needs aside. But how long am I supposed to do that ??!
I’ve been with my now Fiancé for over 2 years. I have yet to meet his children. His ex likes to use their kids as pawn against him. It’s a game of when he can see them and when he can’t. He refuses to fight for them in court and have an actual agreement made. He lives with myself and my 2 boys. He doesn’t seem interested in bringing the families together anytime soon. She likes him to go to her house to see their boys. I’m almost done, I think. I don’t know that I can marry someone when I haven’t met 3 of the most important people in his life, and when she likes to call the shots and I don’t exist in their world.