It’s not just single or divorced mothers who have to deal with the “Disneyland Dad” syndrome. If you google the term, you’ll find that there are a number of married parents who have similar issues. “Disneyland Dad” is more interested in fun than responsibility. He’s all about fun for fun’s sake. He thinks he’s creating happy memories so that the children will bond more closely with him. In effect, he’s bribing the children to like him more.
Disneyland Dads take their children out for every meal, to their favourite restaurants. No vegetables, just fast food and sugar. Trips to the fair. The toy store. Dad’s time is fun time.
Homework? Who cares. It can wait. You don’t have to worry about that here. Chores? No way. Those dishes will magically disappear. Allowance? Why do you need an allowance? Here’s $20. Bed time? Forget that nonsense. Let’s have a James Bond movie marathon! Showers and personal hygiene? Why do we need to brush our teeth? Just rinse with soda. The bubbles will clean off the nasty bits. Put your hair in a pony tail. There you go. Perfect.
I’m not quite sure how a Disneyland Dad works in a married relationship. I’ve seen some sitcoms where the whole thing balances out. They have the “fun” parent and the responsible parent who complete each other like yin and yang. Of course it turns out that the responsible parent is fun sometimes. And the fun parent is responsible sometimes. Not often, but sometimes.
It never works that way in real life. In a marriage, both parents need to take some responsibility for raising the children. Properly. Or it will lead to resentment. Fighting. Tension. Which ends up being not that fun. For either parent or for the kids.
I can tell you that being the “responsible” parent while co-parenting after divorce is not fun. Sometimes it feels like I’ve got the kids on a roller coaster – they have the upswings while they’re at the father with all the fun and excitement, and then they have the downswings with me – with all the responsibilities and homework and chores.
And you know what? I get it. I’d love to be the “fun” parent. I’d love to be the one who stacks piles and piles of dishes and lets dust bunnies collect in favour of spending more time with my kids. Because I only have them 50% of the time. And really less than that, because they have school, and soccer, and swimming lessons. I’d love to just throw my hands up and have fun all the time.
But I can’t. Instead, I worry. A lot.
I’ve seen the effects of no sleep on my children. They can’t concentrate. They get nasty. Their school work suffers. I worry that bad sleeping habits starting at a tender age will lead to problems for them later in life. I worry that not getting into the habit of doing homework when they get home will lead them to fluff off their responsibilities later in life. I worry that they’re learning bad eating habits, that they’re not getting enough exercise.
I worry that I’m saddling them with too much responsibility. Their father doesn’t take any. So I have to encourage them to be smart. You need to do your homework. Even when at your father’s house. You know when you’re tired. You need to get yourself to bed. Ask for vegetables. You like them here. You’ll like them there.
Sometimes I’m certain that when they’re at my house it feels like prison. All homework and chores and getting to bed on time. No fun. It’s only the very rare occasion that they get to stay up late. Because we’re always playing catch up. They always need more sleep. We need to catch up on the homework they haven’t been doing. They have dark circles under their eyes.
I don’t want them to grow up feeling a sense of “entitlement.” They’re not guaranteed anything in life. To get somewhere you have to work. You have to take responsibility for your actions. Life does not get handed to you on a platter. There are consequences for not getting enough sleep – you don’t have the energy to work hard in school, you can’t concentrate. There are consequences for not getting your homework done. Bad grades. There are consequences for not doing your chores. You have to live in a filthy house.
I want them to understand these concepts.
Here, they have chores and a chore chart and an allowance. I encourage them to take responsibility and pride in what they do. If you don’t do it right the first time, then you have to do it again. If you take a toy out and put it away when you’re done, it means less work later. You don’t get to pick out a toy just because we’re at a store. Don’t ask. Homework comes out when they come home and it gets done before anything else.
Yes, sometimes chores and homework are not fun. But it can be rewarding to save up your allowance for that special toy. You can feel pride. You’ve earned something.
We live in a clean house. We can find our toys when we look for them – because they’re always in their place. And if we share the load, then we have more time to spend together when we’re done.
I’m not saying that there’s never any fun in my house. We have fun. All the time. But it’s balanced. Some of the time we have fun and some of the time we have to be responsible. Sometimes responsibilities can be fun too – if you make them that way. Put on music when you do the vacuuming. Dance while you’re dusting. Have a race to see who can get their toys put away first. Play games to learn school concepts. Use laundry to learn about sorting. Write out a grocery list to learn spelling. Use a trip to the store to learn about math and saving. Get out of the house – go for a bike ride – exercise. Even eating broccoli can be fun if you add enough cheese.
I’m not the Disneyland Mom. But I am fun. Childhood is supposed to be fun. But it’s also when you learn how to be an adult. And being an adult can be fun sometimes – but it also comes with responsibilities and consequences. I want them to find their own balance.
I’m not jealous of my ex and his time with the kids. He’s welcome to it. And although I worry, I have to put that aside and work on the things I can control. My house isn’t Disneyland – but I think, in the end, they’ll realize that the important concepts I’m teaching them will help them later in life. And as much fun as they’re having with their father, all he’s giving them is memories. And you can’t take them to the bank.
Live By Surprise,
I feel ya in every word and every aspect. I think sadly the system fosters a bit of “Disneyland parenting” to the non-custodial parent. It is certainly frustrating to us that are truly doing the good work of raising kids that are healthy, wealthy and wise that leave the nest and become future self-supporting taxpayers.
Letting it go and not get under your skin is certainly the hardest aspect. At some point you realize that homework, regular bedtimes, diet, or ANY basic rules are certainly going to go out the window at the other house. Stay the course.
After 11 years of dealing with a Disneyland Mom, I have three tips for you:
1. Give up on expecting anything to be done at the other house. If my daughter has a huge project due Monday, it has to be done prior to Friday. If reading logs require weekend work, she has to read more the weekdays before. Concert performance on mom’s weekend, email the teachers ahead of time there is a 90% chance our daughter won’t be there.
2. On occasion, you have to break the rules and create those spontaneous fun moments and memories. I too am the super structured, homework first, daily chore chart, allowance giving type of parent. Show your kids you can be fun too, but as the “exception” rather than the rule. Remind them, life is not fun 24/7.
3. Finally hold your tongue, count to 10, and let it go. When our daughter returns 24 lbs heavier from visiting her mother some during the summer (because fast food and cable is everything right?) I hold my tongue, count to 10 and let it go. When I get a text like I did yesterday, that my Ex will not take our daughter to her once a year PSAT test that happens to fall this year on her Saturday (because the movie Divergent is obviously coming out). I hold my tongue, count to 20 and then let it go.
*Sigh* You simply cannot parent to the other side. We can only do the very best with what we have. And that my friend, is good enough.
FullCustodyDad, http://DaddyGotCustody.com
Sadly FullCustodyDad, while I have primary custody and get to make all final decisions, my ex and I have joint custody on a 50/50 schedule. Your tips still apply, (number one I could have written myself) but it’s getting more and more difficult to let things like no sleep and no homework go. Sadly, I have to place a lot more responsibility on the kids than should be for kids their age. But you’re right, it’s going to have to be good enough and I have to focus on the things I have some control over – their time with me.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
~ Liv
This reads through like the ‘ story of our lives so far’. Between work, housework, shopping and responsibilities having quality time with my son is hard and when he comes back from dads having been to McDonalds yet again with a late dvd filled night and jomework done in bits acvording to my sons rules, I end up feeling the guilty one for saying no. Not all the time, when off work I make time and put in the overtime beforehand to take him out to interesting places, but sometimes it feels like too little.
I see my sons tired eyes and hear his ‘attitude’ after time at dads and it breaks my heart when he has a bad day at school or I have to remind him that in THIS house we have rules. In the long term we will no doubt get it all sorted out with help from school, until my son, who is young, figures out who really has his best interests at heart, we will have to grin and bear it.
Two things I’m thankful for are my husband – his stepdad- is a hoid man who backs me up and plays with my son having fun as well as being strict on behavioural issues. Plus, though my ex is a bit of a disneyland dad it seems the penny is starting to drop – some discipline is being put in place, its late but nevertheless any move in the right direction is better than nothing.
A “Disneyland Dad” is just a parent who is forced to try and create the most positive experience they can in what miserably little and completely insufficient time they have been given. These non-custodial parents are often forced to compensate for negative input that the custodial parent has heaped upon the child during the overwhelmingly larger amount of time that they spend with the custodial parent. Frankly I feel it’s disgusting that we’ve created a term of derision to label a parent who sacrifices so much in the midst of their own victimization. If your child’s other parent is a “Disneyland Dad”, then you should look at what YOU are doing to encourage or discourage your shared child’s healthy relationship with them.
Walter, did you ask for 50/50 custody during your divorce or did you voluntarily accept every other weekend and one night a week? If you didn’t fight for equal time with your children it’s your own fault that your time with your children is “miserably” short. The norm these days is shared and equal custody time. If you don’t have that it isn’t because someone else created derision, it’s because you didn’t seek it. And when will you Dads get tired of blaming the mother for the fact that your children are angry with you? It is so cliche! Here is a secret for you…it is YOUR place to make sure you have a relationship with your children. It is not YOUR exes place. If you aren’t up to the task of parenting, take responsibility for that and stop blaming the system or your ex. Walter, you are preaching to the wrong choir here. We are all divorced moms who have a lot of experience dealing with angry part-time fathers while doing the majority of the child rearing. Go find another angry man to whine to and leave us to get on with the raising of your children.
Cathy, I didn’t get either. Several weeks after I moved out of the house, I received a wonderful surprise when I went to pick up my son for his birthday: My wife was falsely accusing me of domestic violence and child abuse. I wanted nothing more than to separate from her, while making things as easy as possible for EVERYONE involved. She had other plans. Her plan was to hurt me and destroy my relationship with my children, and she didn’t care if the children were hurt in the process.
My daughter was finally taken away from her by Child Protective Services, and I have full custody of her now. But my sons remain with my wife, hating me because of the lies she tells them, and missing their sister because she refuses to cooperate with anyone. The judge, the lawyers, the police, and Social Services have all turned a blind eye to her crimes and her poison, and my sons will suffer the consequences of it.
But you just keep on thinking that you know better because you have a vagina.
https://walter-singleton.com/2017/02/04/to-envy-those-who-grieve/
I’m really sorry to hear that you feel you are in that situation. I would point out though that I have actually have 50/50 custody with my ex. Even if he is difficult to deal with, he does love his children. While I wish it was possible to work more cooperatively with him and am often frustrated by his inability to do so, I still encourage my children to have a productive relationship with him. I wish you peace and I hope that you can find that relationship with your own children despite whatever else is going on.
Reading this made me think of so many friends who struggle with the SAME issues in co-parenting. It’s maddening and worrisome. But you are SO RIGHT about the decisions you are making with your kids. You are preparing them for their future, teaching them vital life lessons, and equipping them to be responsible and smart grown ups once they leave your ‘nest’.
THAT is what parenting is all about. Bravo mom. Bravo.
My ex-calls me Disney land dad all the time. I have a real problem with this.
I make sure homework is done when they are with me. I set bedtime on school nights. I discipline them when they are with me, albeit I have the opposite style to my ex. she yells and sends them to their room. I make them choose their punishment, discuss why they did what the did and explain why they won’t do it again, sometimes I need to choose the punishment but rarely as they know if I do it will be way worse. I rarely take them out to dinner and if I do it’s something inexpensive and healthy.
I buy them things in the last 12 months, mountain bikes, rock climbing gear, a gopro, clothes when they need them. I take them places – went on vacation at a lake this summer, tickets were free. Camping all the time, mountain biking all the time, some snowboarding in the winter. Cookouts at our local beach often, adventures like finding an awesome swimming hole, a canoe trip, visit with friends, cousins, in nearby towns. Basically as much fun as we can handle! Most of this happens during the summer because they have sports during the fall and winter.
I can afford this because I don’t date, I don’t go out to dinner on my own, I spend as little as possible on myself clothing etc. I live in a very very low-cost apartment.
One of my major goals in life is to focus on my children and build memories. What I do with them are activities that I would have loved to do when I was younger. I did many of these things with them when I was married. That said I could often not do some of these things because my ex. wanted to go to a museum or beach vacation instead.
My ex. is very upset about this. She punishes our children with great vigor when for example something is not brought back from my house. Example. I forgot to send back sunscreen she had given them. Child calls me that night in tears because he was sent to his room for not bringing it back. I tell him it’s my fault which it was. And I would take care of it. She hears him talking to me in the background and starts yelling at him that he is as bad as his dad. I e-mail her explaining it’s my fault. She responds that I am a Disney dad, my goal is to poison the kids against her, I lose or break anything they bring to my house, I don’t get them any nice clothing.
I don’t bother responding.
That said I can’t stand the Disneyland dad thing. Would love to hear opinions?
Have you considered documenting and recording her incidences of abuse toward the children? she sounds unstable and probably shouldn’t have custody rights.
Yes I have everything documented and have spoken with several lawyers about this. I have been told that the most that will happen (in my state) is that she will be admonished by the judge.
I don’t know what state you are in but I helped a father in Colorado obtain full custody based on taped phone conversations where the mother was screaming and threatening the child. Not with physical harm, though. Attorneys shy away from encouraging men to seek custody because they know it’s a battle but, if your children are being emotionally harmed it’s a battle worth fighting. I wish you the best.
This describes my partner and her ex-husband exactly. It’s possibly harder even because during their marriage the dad was lazy and wouldn’t work, so she had to work and by default he ended up the primary care-giver and parented like that when she was at work (iPad’s all the time etc.) so that’s what they’re used to. She was always fighting for them to be parented properly while she was at work but he wouldn’t work so she got trapped. On top of that because he was the primary care-giver, and they’re boys, they idolise him and want to be at his house. He’s lazy, sleeps in every day barely works and lives in his father’s shed
Her sons are 8 and 10.
This article was written a few years ago. How is it going now? are the kids okay?
This is probably the most frustrating thing…especially since my kid’s Disneyland Dad, has more shared physical custody and therefore more influence. Knowing how non-confrontational my ex is, I know he takes the path of least resistance when it comes to parenting and I’m positive it involves a great deal of bribes for every request. Then my son comes back to me, expecting a new toy or game when he is asked to do the things that are expected of him, like clean his room or do his homework; and if don’t give into his demands, I get the brunt of his temper and abuse. If I raise concerns with my ex, I’m usually met with some sort of passive aggressive/not the boss of me-response. There’s no “co-parenting” with that one. I’m so discouraged…my son is turning into a miniature narcissist and I’m forever the asshole parent because I have rules and expectations. I’m afraid my son is going to turn out exactly like my ex, we will become estranged and all he’ll care about is money and things, and expect the world to cater to and reward all his efforts .I have mostly been able to disengage emotionally , during tantrums, as he likes to feed off of my attention for negative behavior. My rules have always been the same. I have to be Mom and Dad, while he has his dad and step mom to bow down to his every whim. Sometimes I feel alone and powerless. All I can do to reassure myself that I’m doing the best I can; and cultivate an identity outsode of being a mom. My lawyer, in mediation, passively represented me and I can’t really afford another one. His lawyer is family and works for free and used the court system to subjugate me as a parent, because of his personal dislike of me. My ex lied about where he was living,in mediation, so that he could get more parenting time. I’m thankful my son has an involved father, atleast, but it makes my job harder. It would have been the same way if we were together, so atleast I don’t have someone undermining me and disrespecting me in front of our son. Labor of love, I suppose. I pray every day that I become a better parent and my kid doesn’t grow into an asshole.