In my Divorce Recovery group meetings, there is a constant theme of discussing how your family of origin handled emotions and issues and what was your coping mechanism as a child to these emotions and issues. I have found it immensely helpful in deciphering the who, the what, and the why in the person I choose to marry and how those coping mechanisms I learned so long ago played a part in my failed marriage.
My parents divorced when I was in college, about 15 years too late in my book. When I was in high school, my parents sat me down in the living room and asked me if they were to get a divorce which parent would I choose to live with long term. Yes, this really happened. I have no memory what I actually said, but I clearly remember what I thought. I thought neither of you f*ckers, I would go find my biological dad. Typical – smart-ass teenager response.
My parents made many mistakes along the way. Yet, I do not regret my childhood. I have always felt those experiences made me who I am today. Change one aspect of them and I change. I love me, the good the bad and even the ugly.
My understanding of a marriage and of a divorce have changed now that I am part of the been there, done that club. I may not agree with all that my parents did during their marriage and divorce, but I know they did the best they could at that moment.
I thank them. This may seem odd, but I thank them for showing me what I did not want in a marriage and more importantly, what I did not want in my divorce. I would love to list the things they did right, but honestly, my memory of my parent’s marriage is negative.
So here’s a little (long) list of what I felt I learned from my parent’s bad marriage and subsequent divorce. Many on my list are the typical ones you would expect to see on such a list, but for me these have been important in my decisions, thus you get to read them again here (in no particular order):
- Marry for love and only love – if it still does not work out, then at least you know you married for the right reason
- We all make mistakes
- When we know better we do better (hopefully)
- Children are not pawns
- Keep children out of grown folk business
- Never, never force a child to chose which parent they want to live with, the answer may surprise you
- Never talk bad about the other parent in front of your children
- Never tell a child the other parent cheated, that’s for the cheater to disclose, if ever. I may be forever scarred knowing too much of my parents sexual history
- Forgiveness does not come with stipulations
- Know your worth
- Be strong, fight for what you think is best for your children
- Never argue so loud that it wakes the children
- Don’t stay in a marriage just for the children, chances are if it is really that bad they can’t wait for you to get a divorce anyhow
- Make your own money
- Have your own personal bank account
- Don’t lose yourself in a marriage
- Don’t lose yourself in a divorce
- People lie, cheat, and change – not necessarily in that order
- Ask sincerely for forgiveness, if you are sorry
- Divorce happens, your children are watching – be a good role model even in the bad, painful times
Moving on to next topic – freaking plumbing. Insert scream
I was being utterly stubborn and thought I could fix my problem and refused to call a “real” plumber. Well tonight I finally no longer have a clogged drain. Insert happy dance.
It was a clogged drain and I needed the heavy-duty electrical snake machine. The garbage disposal issue was an effect of the clogged drain. Everything is working, as it should now. Yippee!!
The dude said it was most likely an oil clog. I was like WTF? I rarely use oil. No fried chicken and fish frys going on at my house. Then I remembered….I have been on a coconut oil kick. I use it for everything, lotion, hair, teeth (yes, with baking soda), to shave, and diaper rashes. Coconut oil is a solid at room temperature. Ta-Dah, months of use and there’s my oil clog.
Whew, so happy that is finally solved and done. No more home issues for a while, please.
Please out,
Moxie
M,
Thank you for sharing this list. I will adhere to it, number by number. Now and far into the future. I appreciate your perspective. I hope to make the best choices on behalf of The Dudes so that they can enjoy their childhood.
With gratitude,
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
Wow, thank you.
I know you are awesome with The Dudes and they will have a great childhood.
M
A very good list.
#8 is one that I think too many people ignore. My exwife had an affair. The kids never heard it from me or anyone on myside of the family. It’s just not appropriate to share something like that with the kids and while it is usually done to generate sympathy, it is seldom true that happily marreid people have affairs. There are always issues on both sides. It’s not a good idea to share those either.
#13, Don’t stay together for the kids is probably OK advice for women (It is DivorcedMoms.com after all), but not for dads. As a matter of standard policy, dads typically get marginalized as parents in the divorce process. The courts and moms are more worried about his wallet than his role as a parent. I lucked out and ended up with custody, but it wasn’t because I won, it was because my exwife lost.
I would add that if you think you have the justification for divorce, some reason that you can tell you firends and family why you were right and you ex was wrong, take some time and do a real self assesment. If you do it right, you find that it is never 100% the other spouses fault. It will make it easier to see where you ex is coming from (and follow the advice related to kids) and will pay dividends in your future relationships.
The other thing, when it comes to kids, is ask youself how you would feel in the other parent shoes. When my ex and I divorced, she attempted to get a custody arrangement that would have essetially eliminated me as a parent. It’s why we had a big custody fight. I won and have sole custody and could do to her exactly what she intended to do to me. Because of that, I always say yes to her requests to spend time with the kids. If my real answer is no, I find a way to turn it into yes. When she was on supervised visitation, it was yes, who’s going to the movie with you guys (so bring your mom along)? .
@xdeRubicon…..
Thank you for your comments.
It is a divorced mom site but I do agree, it is time the tide changes for those fathers that truly want to be part of their child’s (ren) life.
Regarding justification of divorce…I agree to a degree. I have finally come to a point where I see and acknowledge the issues I had in my marriage….but that does not excuse the fact that he cheated and chose the other woman. Issues in a marriage does not give one spouse free reign to cheat. There is no correlation. Nor any justification.
His cheating had nothing to do with me. Filing for divorce was not because we had issues in marriage, I filed because he cheated and languished in indecision too long and his final decision was not me or his family but this other person. I deserved better.
Good for you for choosing the honorable and thinking of your children first route. I wish more in the midst of divorce and dealing with custody would do the same.
Take care….