In my Divorce Recovery group meetings, there is a constant theme of discussing how your family of origin handled emotions and issues and what was your coping mechanism as a child to these emotions and issues. I have found it immensely helpful in deciphering the who, the what, and the why in the person I choose to marry and how those coping mechanisms I learned so long ago played a part in my failed marriage.
My parents divorced when I was in college, about 15 years too late in my book. When I was in high school, my parents sat me down in the living room and asked me if they were to get a divorce which parent would I choose to live with long term. Yes, this really happened. I have no memory what I actually said, but I clearly remember what I thought. I thought neither of you f*ckers, I would go find my biological dad. Typical – smart-ass teenager response.
My parents made many mistakes along the way. Yet, I do not regret my childhood. I have always felt those experiences made me who I am today. Change one aspect of them and I change. I love me, the good the bad and even the ugly.
My understanding of a marriage and of a divorce have changed now that I am part of the been there, done that club. I may not agree with all that my parents did during their marriage and divorce, but I know they did the best they could at that moment.
I thank them. This may seem odd, but I thank them for showing me what I did not want in a marriage and more importantly, what I did not want in my divorce. I would love to list the things they did right, but honestly, my memory of my parent’s marriage is negative.
So here’s a little (long) list of what I felt I learned from my parent’s bad marriage and subsequent divorce. Many on my list are the typical ones you would expect to see on such a list, but for me these have been important in my decisions, thus you get to read them again here (in no particular order):
- Marry for love and only love – if it still does not work out, then at least you know you married for the right reason
- We all make mistakes
- When we know better we do better (hopefully)
- Children are not pawns
- Keep children out of grown folk business
- Never, never force a child to chose which parent they want to live with, the answer may surprise you
- Never talk bad about the other parent in front of your children
- Never tell a child the other parent cheated, that’s for the cheater to disclose, if ever. I may be forever scarred knowing too much of my parents sexual history
- Forgiveness does not come with stipulations
- Know your worth
- Be strong, fight for what you think is best for your children
- Never argue so loud that it wakes the children
- Don’t stay in a marriage just for the children, chances are if it is really that bad they can’t wait for you to get a divorce anyhow
- Make your own money
- Have your own personal bank account
- Don’t lose yourself in a marriage
- Don’t lose yourself in a divorce
- People lie, cheat, and change – not necessarily in that order
- Ask sincerely for forgiveness, if you are sorry
- Divorce happens, your children are watching – be a good role model even in the bad, painful times
Moving on to next topic – freaking plumbing. Insert scream
I was being utterly stubborn and thought I could fix my problem and refused to call a “real” plumber. Well tonight I finally no longer have a clogged drain. Insert happy dance.
It was a clogged drain and I needed the heavy-duty electrical snake machine. The garbage disposal issue was an effect of the clogged drain. Everything is working, as it should now. Yippee!!
The dude said it was most likely an oil clog. I was like WTF? I rarely use oil. No fried chicken and fish frys going on at my house. Then I remembered….I have been on a coconut oil kick. I use it for everything, lotion, hair, teeth (yes, with baking soda), to shave, and diaper rashes. Coconut oil is a solid at room temperature. Ta-Dah, months of use and there’s my oil clog.
Whew, so happy that is finally solved and done. No more home issues for a while, please.