Chaperoning school field trips can bring great joy to children, to share an exciting experience during school with a parent. It can bring anxiety to children of high conflict divorce. Which parent do they ask? Will the other parent be hurt if they aren’t asked? Will the parent not asked be upset and yell? I’m sure a million things go through their little minds.
Ted and I would go round and round via email in the early days, in his attempts to push me out of their lives. It took me a while to learn this was just one more way for Ted to bait me into a confrontation.
Our arguments eventually evolved into letting the child choose who to take. Ted and I finally agreed that the parent attending pays for the entire trip.
Chaperoning school field trips has brought a lot of anxiety for ME since the divorce. Ted’s brothers send their children to Grant and Kristy’s school, so I know I can always count on seeing a family member of his. On the last field trip I attended with Kristy just last month, Ted’s brother who helped him stalk me during our separation was there. His son was in my group. I plastered on a big smile and treated his son like all of the other kids. He is 12 and has no idea what really happens, besides, he can’t help who his family is.
When I hear of an upcoming field trip, I always ask who will be attending in a very upbeat, non-leading tone, as to not cause any anxiety for Grant or Kristy. Grant usually asks Ted to go, and I assure him that he will have a fabulous time. Kristy always expects me to sign up for her field trips. I pack snacks and travel games, and take a lot of pictures. I smile to all of the other parents, including the parents I once considered friends who now turn their head when they see me. Their attitude toward me since leaving Ted will not deter me from embracing the opportunity to be a part of a special memory for my child.
Last year, Grant promised me if his class took the traditional 8th grade amusement park field trip this year, he would ask me to go. He is sticking to his word, and I just made the first payment today. I honestly was a little shocked (yet proud) he is honoring his promise. The $135 plus the cost of food and bus tip is going to kill me, but I am so excited to have this opportunity with him, because this is only the second field trip he has asked me to chaperone.
That’s great Bella! I lucked out with my kids – you need a police check to be able to attend, and my ex is too paranoid to get one, so I’m the only one that can go.
Ha! I wish our tiny school did! Then everyone would know about Mr. Super daddy’s arrest! That’s awesome
I’m proud of you Bella. Thank you for sharing things from your perspective. We need to hear this. I am the sole custodial parent, my ex and yours sound like they have a lot in common (sadly). Our school district only has field trips through the 1st grade so we only have one child still having field trips, however when it is time for field trips or parties I always give their dad the opportunity to attend. I get so many chances to do things with our kids because they live with me, it is only fair to let him attend school activities. Scouts is the same way, I stay away from scouting activities in general. I only attend major events. I want him to have special moments with them.
He may be crazy but he is their dad and deserves respect. I hope someday Ted will begin to show you some respect. Every once in a blue moon my ex takes some meds (or something) and behaves in a thoughtful manner for a day or two, then he goes right back to insane crazy behavior.
Thank you for sharing, please continue to do so.
Thank you for your comments. I greatly appreciate them.
For our family, usually do the field trips. My exwife never did (by choice – something about unairconditioned school bus with screaming kids being like water boarding) when we were married and now that were are divorced, she seldom does. There are usually as many dads as mom in attendance. I don’t know all of their marital statuses, but I can guess base on the statistics. The problem is that there are too many parents who want to go. I don’t think it is about showing off for anyone, it’s mostly that it is usually fun, an easy commitment, and frankly, time flys and soon enough the kids won’t want us on the trips at all.
Move on to middle school, and the teachers have to beg for help. It’s kind of ironic considering that is the time when extra adults are really needed.
All that said, I’m not a big fan of let the kids decide things that require them to choose one parent over another, unless both parents are really secure in their situations. I know that two of my kids would always choose me and the other would find choosing too stressful and end up not enjoying the activity. I think a better method would be to alternate. You have right of first refusal for all of the trips of child A this year (and dad has the same for child B) and Child B next year (and dad has the same for child A). As it stands now, because my ex spends less time with the kids, I give her the opportunity if she wants it, and if not, I go (which is almost all of the time).
Thank you, X. I think every situation is different when it comes to field trips. I think child age and maturity level definitely need to be considered when allowing children to choose. If I offered Ted to alternate, he would look for a way to create a problem with it, and honestly, the more I prevent the possibility of drama the better off we all are. I feel Grant and Kristy are old enough to not feel anxious about who to pick as long as they feel free to pick. Kristy has recently told me I will be attending her 7th grade trip and dad, her 8th grade field trip.