The weekend 
has arrived. Your husband is making plans for his kids to visit, while you are counting the hours until they’re gone. Visitation can be miserable, exhausting and even heartbreaking for stepmoms. It’s understandable when stepmoms dread the experience. However, circumstances are just as hard, and potentially more awkward, for the bio-parent and the stepchildren.
1. Differing Views of Visitation
Bio-parents and stepparents often have differing views of visitation time. Stepparents are often apprehensive and uneasy when children invade their space and their lives, especially in the beginning. On the other hand, bio-parents are using the weekend to cram in a weeks worth of missed memories. It can be especially trying for busy couples who work all week and look forward to spending time together on the weekends.
First, realize that you may not share your spouse’s feelings but you both have valid viewpoints. Your spouse is likely worried that his children will not accept the new arrangement. Even though you may have dated, and even lived together, marriage changes the family dynamic. Secondly, accept that visitation will bring disruption to your already too-tight schedule. In this day and age, most couples, even those without children, struggle to find sufficient time to spend together and nurture the relationship. Add children to the mix and complications rise to tensions which boil over into resentments. Share your feelings with your spouse. Often, being heard and acknowledged is what you are in need of most.
2. Prepare for Visitation
Most custody arrangements are governed by a parenting plan so it’s not necessarily an unknown when your spouse will have visitation. However, when a more permanent or stable home environment is available to them, stepchild visits may become more frequent. Acknowledge that there may be a shift in visitation as everyone settles into a family routine. The family dynamic will also change as the children age and have their own events and activities.
When preparing for visitation, first, discuss plans with your spouse. What activities are on the agenda? Ask what is expected in terms of your participation. Allow for children to spend time with the bio-parent on their own. This will help to alleviate feelings of jealousy towards the stepparent. After all, gaining a stepparent should never feel like losing a parent.
Also, as you encourage your spouse to spend time with his children individually, treat yourself to a brief respite. This might be an ideal time for a nap, a pedicure or a chat with friends. In other words, use the time to take care of yourself.
As your relationship with your stepchildren progresses, there may be a less definitive line between what they do and do not want to share with you. When you accept the responsibility of being a stepparent, you buy into your stepchildren’s lives. You will need to be flexible and supportive of their activities. Be prepared to loosen up the reins in your home and be present in their lives. What may seem burdensome in the beginning may one day be revealed as a gift.
3. All Things Equal
Nothing makes a kid feel as unimportant as being left out. Every child wants to believe that they are loved and wanted. If both you and your spouse have children, ensure that they are treated equally. Each child should have his or her own space. While you may not necessarily have a bedroom for each individual child, they each need to know that they have a right to privacy. Perhaps they have a den allocated to them for their stay, their own bed or a specific place to put their belongings.
Also, house rules should be extended to all of the kids, both those who live in the home full-time and those who don’t. Discipline included. Consistency is key. If all kids are on the same page and no one is being singled out for special treatment, they will be more likely to bond.
4. Keeping It Real
Super Stepmom Syndrome. Ever heard of it? Symptoms include attempts to rise above every obstacle imaginable. This stepmom is an overachiever. She is Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, Florence Nightingale…you get the picture.
Overcoming Super Stepmom Syndrome can be one of the most difficult issues for new stepmoms. Too often the need exists to cure all ills. Stop fixing. Stop overindulging. Stop over-parenting. Stepmoms, your husbands invited you into their lives and that of their children because of your own unique gifts. It’s important that you share those gifts with your stepchildren. Be real. Be you. You are enough.
5. Recovery Time
You survived! The weekend is over. Take a little time to detox. Discuss how things went with your spouse. Listen for feedback on what worked and what didn’t. After all, who knows all of the parties better?
Despite all attempts otherwise, you may feel discouraged that things are not progressing as you had hoped. Don’t dwell on the hiccups. Keep in mind that for most stepfamilies it takes four to seven years for bonding to occur. Take the long range view, realizing that you are building relationships and those take time. Therefore, be patient. A time may come when both you and your spouse are living for the weekend.
here’s an idea, potential stepmoms, if you are resentful of your new partners children and dread visitation weekends, Perhaps (a) don’t get involved with a man who has kids already, and /or (b) don’t be around on the weekend he has his kids, that way he can actually spend quality with his children and the kids don’t have to be around you and feeling your resentment toward them.
Shut the up….I assume you aren’t a stepparent and are perfect….go fly a kite
Sometimes when you meet a man with kids, they are totally nice but after you get married, the mom becomes resentful and the situation totally changes. My stepkids mom screams at them saying “daddy and sara hate you okay!!”. So eventually ive seen the kids turn frosty towards me.
I work 5 days a week, and when i come back on Friday morning, i want to relax. But on my only 2 days off, i have to listen to kids screaming on fortnite. I end up cooking, cleaning the kitchen, and driving them around. if im lucky, i get a few hours Sunday evening to recuperate (ie clean their dirty room with underwear and ring pops on the floor).It is a thankless job; the kids mom will call them and ask them angrily if they are with me. My husband works until 11 pm, so idk who else she thinks they are with. My SILs complained to my husband that i seem tense on the weekends. Well obviously…i am liable for the kids yet i cannot say anything to them at all. I feel like a hostage in my house. I asked my husband for a divorce on July 7 and he want crazy screaming that i hate his kids. Would he say that to his sisters? No ..they are so quick to criticize and it’s like, would they keep these kids (their own nephews) for the next 400 weekends? Hell no. Yet i got complained about for wanting to sleep without noise while im pregnant and fatigued after a whole week working. I get angry glares if i so much ask the kids to pick up their mess.
I really regret marrying my husband. Im 7 weeks pregnant and sometimes i wish i could have a miscarriage and then divorce. My husband admitted 2 days ago im #3 to him. First are his kids, second is his ex since kids are with her 5 days, and then im #3. That’s why i have no say in the schedule. It really sucks in the summer. I am lucky if i get the courtesy to be informed. Girls…stay single but dont marry a man with kids. My husband was desperate for a home after his second divorce so he did everything to convince me. It’s honestly way worse than i ever thought and my husband is not even a bad man. I felt like trash living at home having no say with controlling parents…i ran away and i escaped 1 mess and went in another. And i can’t turn back.