She had so many children and she didn’t know what to do…. so, she had another child with a married man. Then the married man left his two first born children to raise her five children. No, this is not a nursery rhyme. Unfortunately, it is a true story.
I want to acknowledge right up front that my soon to be ex husband is fully culpable for his actions in leading a double life. However, this article’s focus is on how an affair partner (other woman) should proceed when involved with a man who has abandoned his first family for hers. Affair partners, if you ever want a chance of redeeming yourself in the eyes of the cheater’s children’s mother and his children, please heed this advice:
1. If you are still married to the father of your first four children, then you should concentrate on getting your own divorce rather than trying to orchestrate your affair partner’s divorce. You already have enough kids to worry about and your need to have a man take care of you and your children is certainly not a reason to try and take over a mediation proceeding or other aspects of the divorce. A father making his “other family” his first priority emotionally and financially only leads to him further alienating himself from his children. This will ultimately lead to them resenting you as the homewrecker. Yes, they are young, but they will understand the decision that their father made and feel the rejection of him choosing you and your children over them. The least you can do is show them enough respect to not dictate their visitation schedule with their father.
2. A strong mother is not going to let their children’s world revolve around the “other family’s” needs. If a father is choosing this path then he is going to have to make the effort to be there for his children (by that, I mean his first born children just for clarification). They will not let themselves feel responsible for driving his relationship with his kids after awhile. That is up to him and although a strong mother would never do anything to damage their relationship with their father, she will despise how sad and angry the whole situation makes her children. She will make sure that her children will be okay in spite of both of you and your ridiculous view of the world.
3. Displaying self-righteous and indignant behavior toward the soon to be ex wife is counterproductive and just plain wrong. What did she do to you exactly? Marry the man that you were meant for nine years ago? Give birth to his two beautiful children? The mother of your affair partner’s children will not agree with you, especially when you say such things as, “It may have been better if he moved to a neutral location after leaving your family, but there’s no way to know that, and it’s not going to happen now because he has established a relationship with my children and I am not going to put them through that loss after what WE have all been through these past 3 years.” EXCUSE ME???? What YOU and YOUR children have been through? There are no words.
4. When your affair partner tells his soon to be ex wife that he has no money to pay child support and she should have waited to pursue the divorce until he was financially secure because he and his “other family” will end up living in a “cardboard box” and she addresses this with HIM, you need to stay out of it. Telling his wife, “Yes, I was doing it all on my own before but I feel that he should contribute to the household now that he is living here,” is not helpful because, quite frankly, she doesn’t care how YOU feel about things. However, she knows that the courts don’t care how YOU feel either and will pursue matters accordingly.
5. If you don’t want people to think that you are crazy and/or that you are actually a “good person” then you should never encourage your four biological children to refer to your affair partner as “Daddy” before his wife and children are even informed that he is leading a double life. This is not only terrible for your affair partner’s first born children in terms of transitioning to interacting with THEIR daddy’s “other family,” it is wrong for your children as well. He is NOT their “daddy” and you should feel ashamed about affecting the lives of seven young children in such a confusing and unnecessary way. When the soon to be ex wife has someone else in their life someday, first of all they will not be married with young children and most importantly, her children’s needs will come first and she will appropriately integrate him into their lives, and they will NEVER call him “Daddy.” They have a father.
6. You need to encourage your affair partner to co-parent effectively rather than dictating how the co-parenting should proceed with the motivation of trying to ensure that YOUR children come first. More importantly, you cannot expect that the two abandoned children are going to just accept this “other family.” That is because you and their father have concocted this notion that once his children have visitation in your home, all seven children will just go off and play together. distracting his first born children from reality is completely misguided, simplistic and offensive. Oh yeah, lest not forget, “Here is your half-sister. Isn’t life just great?”
This is fantasy and in reality these two children are intelligent beings who have awareness and are mourning their intact family. The last thing they need is to be “distracted” so that you and their father can feel better about destroying their lives. Their mother is trying to make this transition most appropriate for her children and since the older child is already struggling with significant emotional difficulties and both children are in court mandated counseling, the integration is not going to happen for a long time. Their mother has expressed this to both of you and that in the meantime their father needs to put them first. But instead they are number seven and eight on his “list of things to do” with you and your 5 children coming before them on that “list.” Just plain despicable.
7. Take a long hard look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Do you see someone who has attempted to make a family in the midst of deceit and lies? Do you see your Pinocchio sized nose? Believe me, everyone else does. Good luck living with all of this. But don’t worry. As you told your affair partner’s soon to be ex, “Our love will see us through.” Reality will someday set in. You have chosen to revolve your world around a lying, cheating, rat bastard. What a guy! What you need to remember in all of this is that the soon to be ex does NOT want that man back but his kids want their daddy back. His original family missed the “memo” stating that YOUR happiness is the center of their world.
Related Articles:
- Letting Him Go Is One Thing, But Sharing My Kids With Another Woman…
- 7 Things To Do When Your Husband Leaves You
- When The Other Woman Becomes The Stepmom
- What Kind Of Person Becomes The Other Woman?
Brilliant. You just echoed and articulated my own nightmare, perfectly. Thank you 🙂
Verity, I am so glad that you found my article helpful! However, I am so beyond sorry that you are going through a similar nightmare. It is so awful and I know first hand how hard it is to try and stay somewhat sane. But, we do it for our children because we are mother’s and we have to! Definitely contact me anytime if you would like. Hugs!