When we divorce someone we’ve had children with, they are part of our lives and we are a part of theirs forever. We certainly aren’t doing their laundry anymore, we definitely aren’t cooking for them and we finally are free from helping them find their keys in the morning, but we still have to raise our children together. So what happens when another woman comes into the picture? Suddenly, it’s easy to become possessive, isn’t it?
My step-daughter and I take many trips to the arts & crafts store, it’s sort of our thing. She picked out some yarn and I made her a hat. She was awfully proud of this hat because she picked it out and got to try it on throughout the few hours it took me to crochet it. She proudly wore it to school just when the weather was cool enough to do so and it’s remained in her backpack since then. When my husband’s ex-wife called saying their daughter had no hats for winter, he opened her backpack and saw this one in there. His ex-wife said that it doesn’t fit her (not only do we have many pictures of it fitting her, it was built specifically for her head) and then said that she doesn’t want her wearing it. My step-daughter then told her Dad that the hat isn’t hers, it’s Daddy’s hat. Her Mom had told her the hat was Daddy’s and that she wasn’t allowed to wear it.
My daughters have a Stepmom, too. She’s worked really hard to be a part of their lives. She takes them to movies, buys them things they enjoy and has recently told my oldest daughter that she thinks it would be cute if they shared clothing. My response? “Cool, does she have any cute clothes you’re sharing?”
Why the difference?
It all comes down to confidence in your relationship with your kids. If you’re struggling with another woman coming into your children’s lives, know that there is no one that could ever come between a Mother and her child. That bond is there for life because you’re working on it every chance you get. You have years and years of history with your children that no one can take away from you. You “get” your children and that’s something that no one, not even a Stepmom, can replicate. Trust your relationship.
So how do you handle the Stepmom?
First, and most important, trust your relationship with your children! For all the reasons stated above and for so many more, no one can come between you and your children. There may be other people in their lives, but no one else is Mom.
Second, keep most of the communication between you and your ex. You are still the parents and though stepparents may be a part of your children’s lives, the final say in all parenting matters lies with you and your ex.
Next, consider her more of an ally than an enemy. She is a part of your children’s lives, that’s something that you have to accept, but that’s not all bad. Women can work together the way men and women never will. Use that to ensure your children have the best of everything because, isn’t that what we all want?
Finally, when you feel your boundaries are being overstepped, don’t jump to react. Take a minute and ask yourself how your children are feeling. Do they notice? Is it hurting them? If not, then ask yourself the Question of 10’s. Will it matter in 10 minutes? 10 months? or 10 years? If it won’t, let it go.
One of the things that comes with divorce is the fact that you and your ex will likely date again. This opens up the possibilities of a Stepparent coming into the picture. Keep communication open with your ex because you’ll hear things he won’t and he’ll hear things you won’t. Understand the roles you two have with your children and set your goals for the roles you want Stepparents to have, too. They are a reality and, at least personally, not all bad. If you’re not ready for an open relationship, though, you can always use the “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thought process. It’s about the kids, if you’re open to the idea, they’ll be open to the idea.
The term “step” should only be used when the other parent is out of the child’s life. It gives the new spouse a position they don’t have. The are the other parent’s douse and should be referred to as such.
There are only two parents and two votes. when and if my Ex remarries I will not give one thought to what his spouse thinks or wants. It implies there are three votes, when there are only two. Why do I have this attitude? From the time I made and delivered the children and post divorce my Ex never cared what I thought or wanted.
i will tell my children to be polite but to recognize that they have no obligation to do anything their father’s girlfriend or wife tells them to do. it is their father’s responsibility to parent them not hers. They will refer to her as my Father’s Wife. Neither one of them will deserve any credit for all of the work that I put into raising my children. Their self interests are not aligned with mine. Theirs is to do the least amount possible for my children, while mine is to give my children the best childhood that I can and to teach them that sonetimes we need to put other people’s especially a child’s interests before our own
My ex says he is getting married again in a few months and my sympathy goes to the woman. My ex has it in his head that our kids like this woman which is not even close to being true. She is the reason my ex wanted the divorce. Why would the children like a woman who came between their parents? At this point, I don’t see the kids having any kind of relationship with this woman. They are still in mourning from the divorce. The only thing I can tell them is to be kind and respectful when they are around her like they would be with any adult.
I think sometime people see what they want to see. Kudos to you, Darcell, for encouraging their kindness and respectfulness. This woman is a part of their lives for as long as they are together and that helps make the best of a situation they don’t really get to decide on. Having an outlet is also good, keep listening to them. I’m a huge fan of journaling for kids who can do it, whether it’s words or drawings, just getting it out helps them with the mourning process as well as difficult relationships. Hope that helps, otherwise, feel free to reach out to me.
I agree with Darcell. I am in the same situation with my kids and their father. I have told my kids the same: they must always be kind and respectful toward her. They do not like her. The fact that she began a relationship with a man she full well knew was married and had children tells me she does not in any way care about the well being of my children. If this woman was someone he met after we were divorced, I would feel differently. She, however, does not deserve respect.
So i clicked on this article thinking, FINALLY, something that may express my torn feelings. But after reading it is not at all what i thought it would be about. (still good just not what i thought) You see, I struggle with my emotions regarding my kids step mom. I still put on a smile and try as best as i can to embrace their relationship. I told them it’s ok with me if they want to call her mom too. (and i do mean it) and for the most part i am not intimidated by her. Here is the sticking point, when i saw the title “when the other woman becomes the step mom” i thought it would be about an affair partner turned wife thus turned step mom. That is the situation i am in. Even though it has been AWHILE since my divorce, and i really don’t want my ex back,ok, really really, don’t want him back. I can’t help but think this woman played a part in the destruction of my family, and did it partly thru lies and deceit (she also happened to be married with a daughter at the time) this person with questionable values and morals who isn’t biologically related to my children now plays a part in their upbringing. So that is my dilemma, i think had my ex NOT married his affair partner and went on to marry someone innocent in the situation the feelings would be much different. Heck, i may even have a friendship with a step mom. I’m still working on my embrace of my childrens full life.
I’m so sorry, Nadine. There’s nothing worse than being betrayed and then watching those that betrayed you go off to what seems like happiness and they include your children. Of course she played a part in the destruction of your marriage! I think this is an opportunity to talk to your children about what THEIR values and morals are and will continue to be. Obviously, you don’t want to bad-mouth their Dad, but you do want them to grow up with a different value system.
In terms of you and how you’re doing, I would hug you if I could. Not only are you showing incredible strength in your writing, you’re putting your children’s needs first. So many people I see SAY they’re putting their kid’s needs first, but show the opposite. You clearly love your children and talk about the best lesson you can give them – unconditional love and support.
She is who she is. No one says you have to be friends with her, do what you can to manage your thoughts and emotions knowing you will never again have to worry about your husband cheating on you – she, however, will always know that he cheated once and may always wonder if he’ll do it again.
I’d be happy to elaborate more and write an article talking exactly about what you said, too. Support is something I’m always happy to give.
It really is best to try to be civil and respectful. My ex husbands ex-wife was so threatened by me and for no other reason was that I was the new wife. She totally alienated any relationship I tried to have with their child and the child showed zero respect yet I took it for years. It was I who would pick the child up after work and make sure clothes and school supplies were bought. I did not want to be his mom. The every other weekend visits were tense for 7 years because the mood was set by his ex wife and his son.
It only got worse after we had 2 children together there was so much jealousy by his ex that she transferred it to their son. To the point of causing conflict with my ex husbands mom and I that she wants nothing to do with my son her own grandson. She has only seen my youngest son 10 times over 13 years and does not hide her feelings about him. Why? Because over the years his ex wife only wanted her son to have all her attention and affection. It’s sad that my kids have been put in the middle because of her insecurity. It angerse that my son has no relationship with my ex husbands family because of his ex wife.
There are no winners just a lot of anger and resentment by all.
You said it! There are NO winners when anger, jealousy, and resentment are what’s being used to communicate. The only thing you can do in those situations is to communicate to your stepson how much he’s loved and how much you want him in your lives. Help him see the happiness he brings to everyone’s life he’s involved in. Most people simply want to make others happy and knowing he brings happiness to his half-siblings may help him see things differently.
Children in these situations see 2 different ways of living – a bitter, resentful life and a happy, peaceful life. It’s always my prayer that they choose the peaceful, happy life when they get to decide, but that’s not always the case.
Continue showing him the unconditional love you have! He needs it! I’m sad he doesn’t have a relationship with his Grandma, but if her relationship is tied to his attitude about the situation – especially as a child – there may be some things she has to work out before creating that relationship if things change.
This isn’t about the “other woman”. this is about the ‘next or new woman” – completely different!! Very misleading headline.
I am actually going through a similar situation only he became an alcoholic and told me he wanted to save our marriage while he kept seeing her. The kids don’t know why he separated, he went to rehab and now he’s supposedly 4 months sober. He told us he went to a work training, I just found out he took her on a trip to Europe instead. He’s a pathological liar. He doesn’t know that I know and I’m at a wits end right now. He said he wouldn’t marry again but I believe he wants to divorce me to get married to her. I don’t care for him at this point because I’m disgusted but I don’t want that woman in my kids lives, it’s killing me. I want to divorce right away but I don’t know if I can get any leverage for this… I don’t know if I’d go as far at as telling them who she is and what she did… she has 2 kids which will probably live him if they get together… I don’t know what poison will be worse, but I also don’t want to lose my children, they’re all I have left…