Dating – a right of passage for teenagers, college students, the newly single regardless of age, and even octogenarians. But not married people, you can’t “date” a married man!
It’s a simple concept. One unattached person meets up with another unattached person and the two spend time together in an activity mutually agreed upon by both parties.
The end result is different for everyone. Another date. Sex. A lasting relationship. Ignored phone calls and text messages. What happens next often depends on who had fun (or didn’t) on any previous dates. You might get married or you might wonder why you keep going back to those dating websites. Either way, something happens and you move forward with your life.
That doesn’t happen when you’re with a married man. You can’t “date” them because they aren’t unattached and free to enter a new relationship.
Anyone claiming to “date” a married man is wrong on so many levels.
You’re helping a married man cheat and lie to his spouse. If you didn’t know he was married, any unhappiness, angst, or betrayal on the part of his wife wouldn’t be your fault. But you do know and that makes you a liar and a cheat, too. Neither of you is trustworthy.
You’re not saving him from a bad marriage. You’re contributing to it. He doesn’t have to be responsible for dealing with his own feelings in his marriage. He doesn’t have to communicate with his spouse. He doesn’t have to honor his vows. He’s got you – on the side.
The chances are good that he’ll cheat on you too. Maybe you convince him to leave his wife – or he convinces himself that the grass really is greener with you. You’ve chosen a man who’s proved he’s willing to lie and cheat to have what he wants. What will you do when it’s not you he wants anymore?
You’re cheating yourself out of the hope of a happy, healthy relationship. A married man unwilling to leave his wife while he’s “dating” you means it’s a hopeless situation. There is no happy ending. There is no forever. Even if you don’t want to get married again, date someone who’s actually available so you can make that decision for yourself.
You will never be the center of his world. His obligations to his wife and family are always going to come first. And if they don’t, you might want to really think about what kind of man he is. Christmas, Thanksgiving, holiday weekends, family vacations – you won’t have those moments with him unless he lies to his wife. He might lie about a lot of things, but few men will lie well enough to get out of a family holiday.
I can think of a few reasons why you think a married man is a better option.
- Fear of commitment. Your fear, not his. He committed already. Remember? He’s married!
- Fear of being hurt. If you know the relationship can only be physical, you think you won’t get hurt by it. Try again. Eventually, your feelings will be involved – and you will get hurt.
- A belief that you don’t deserve better. Honey, we need to work on your self-esteem issues, and frankly being alone is always better than “dating” a liar and a cheat.
- Thinking you aren’t hurting anyone. Either he’s fed you lies about how his wife doesn’t care or doesn’t love him anymore, or he’s so callous as not to care how she feels. No matter how bad their marriage is, when (not if) she finds out, she will be hurt. And if there are children involved, it’s even worse.
- Eliminating the hassle of a committed relationship. Actually, you’re inviting a hassle – in the form of a pissed off wife who may or may not have a crazy streak a mile wide.
Here’s the deal…
You deserve better than a man who is too afraid of being alone or the fallout of a divorce to leave his wife if he’s so unhappy.
You deserve better than to “date” a liar and a cheat.
Real love doesn’t purposely cause pain. Real love lifts people up and makes them better. Do you really think he loves you? Once upon a time, he said he loved his wife, too. There’s a good chance he told her that last night before they went to bed and this morning before he went to work.
No, you’re not “dating” him if he’s married. You’re helping him lie and cheat which makes you equally dishonest. It’s not healthy, and it will not end well.
FAQs About ‘Dating’ Married Men:
Should single women date a married man?
By no means a single woman should date a married man. Dating is for teenagers, college students, and single men and women regardless of their age.
What is the concept of dating?
The concept of dating relates to mutually agreed interaction between two single people based on their interest to get to know each other more. Dating is that seed from which romance, love and relationships sprout.
What can I expect after a date?
You can expect another date, sex or even rejection after a date. The outcome of a date depends on how the two of you got along with each other; developed liking for each other or not; had fun or not and whether or not you look forward to seeing each other again.
Is dating married men wrong?
Dating married men is morally, ethically and religiously wrong. You should not be dating a man who is married to another woman even if he says he is going to leave her soon. Wait for him to put his money where his mouth is if he claims to be in love with you.
Can I be blamed for unknowingly dating a married man?
You are not to be blamed if the man you were dating kept the fact from you that he is married.
Can I date a man going through a bad marriage?
You will end up complicating matters more by dating a man going through a bad marriage. He may feel that he does not need to either communicate or honor his commitment with his wife because he has you on the side.
Will a married man cheat on me if he cheats on his wife?
It will be naive to think that a man, who cheated his wife for you, will not cheat you for another woman. A man who is willing to lie and cheat to have what he wants will repeat it whenever he finds an opportunity.
Will a married man prefer his date over his family?
You shouldn’t believe that a married man would prefer you over his family—even when he claims to be madly in love with you. His priority will always be his family.
Do single women date married men out of fear of commitment?
Single women who are afraid of commitment do date married men. Low self-esteem, a belief you don’t deserve better, and that you are not hurting anyone because of this relationship are some of the reasons why single women date married men.
More from DivorcedMoms
- 5 Important Things Every Couple Should Know About Cheating
- Infidelity, A Three-Way Collision Waiting To Happen
- 5 Reasons To Tell Your Friend She Is Being Cheated On
- Dear Adulterer: 9 Truths About You And Your Infidelity
Women who “date” married men are a dime a dozen and worth that much. It proves time and time again that women aren’t the smarter, fairer, or better sex; they’re as superficial as a cheating lying man.
From my perch (my now exwife who had an affair with a married coworker), I always have to laugh a bit a the stereotypes. I know as many cases of the wife having affairs as I do the husband. They treat it differently, but it’s all too common for both genders. Other than stress relief over a glass of your favorite libation with close friends, thinking that one gender is somehow better than the other is pointless. From my personal experience, the ones that crow the loudest for their team are the ones that I least want to be with. Telling me I’m one of the “good ones” only makes it worse.
I think that these “relationships” are doomed to fail (the statistics seem to say so), but not because these are dumb, superficial, lairs, but because the nature of the start of the “relationship”. If you are married and find the next mr/mrs outside of the marriage, you have not looked at a large enough pool or had a realistic chance to evaluate the candidate and relationship, all combined with a major blinding adrenaline charge due to the clandestine nature of the relationship.
Neither gender has the upperhand on this one, that’s for sure. People are people, and most everyone’s looking for love – or some version of it. Unfortunately, they’re too often looking in the wrong places.
My now exwife had an affair with a married coworker. With the advantage of a little space and perspective, I kind of wonder why him over several men in her life that were actually available. With a 40% divorce rate, surely newly avaiable candidates come on the market every day. For her, I think there were a couple of factors. The first is when she started, she didn’t really want a sole mate and next husband. Why lock in on the first one that comes along. Her Ashley Madison account bosters this theory.
The second, and I think this applies to a broader group to include unmarried women, is a lack of self confidence. How do you know if that guy is a good one? If he’s with someone else, then at least one person thinks he’s worth it. Good looking single guy not dating anyone? There must be something wrong with him. It was true in middle schooler, true for the 40 yr old.
The third factor is an instinct to get a better deal (and marriage is a deal with a contact and all), something for free or with reduced risk and a big upside. The classic married man situation is typically older established male with younger female. She could hitch her future to an available guy in her age group, but how does she know that this work in progress will turn out? It can be a long haul getting to the stage that this married guy is right now. Why not just skip to the head of the line. She knows what she’s got to trade. He wants it. And he as what she wants.
Raiel,
I think you’re theories/reasons are pretty sound. Unfortunately, there plenty of reasons for going after someone who’s already married. I wonder if the reasons are different for someone who’s already married versus someone who’s single. Two married people cheating would be a different dynamic than one of them of them being single knowing the other person is married. I don’t have any of the answers, but your perspective makes sense to me.
I’m sorry but this article sucks. It’s very biased and unfair. Insensitive too.
Unfair and insensitive to who? Women who feel they should be able to “date” a married man?
Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s right, unfair to whom? If you know a guy is taken, even if there is chemistry, you move on down the line. Because you WILL one day be the recipient of what you dish out.No one stays young and beautiful forever. And when it happens to you, you won’t be able to cry about it, because it’s what you deserve.
Ive been with a married man over a year I love him so much a few months ago we got caught frm his wife . atfter that things changed he sees me every day he’s I’m a hurry to leave lately sex once a week I try breaking up with him he has what he needs at home sex a wife what does he want with me lately hr doesn’t call or text me bk. I told him not to call me it obvious him n his wife are trying to make. Marriagee wk .so he should leaVe me alone
Why don’t you leave him alone? You have as much ability to break things off as he does. Stop calling him, stop texting him, lock your door to him, cut off all contact with him. Your a grown woman, it’s time to stop excusing your bad behavior and shut this man out of your life. You don’t need him to do that, you need to do it.
Hay
I have just read this article and its the wake up call i needed. I was involved with a man. He said he was single. He lives about five hours away but we talked everyday and about everything. We met a few times, when on what i would have considered dates. I am not stupid and i am naturaly suspicious. He didn’t give any indicatours that he wasn’t anything but what he said he was. Everything else he said turned out to be true. This has now been going on four months! I started to fall for him. About two days ago he confesses to me that he is married and had three boys. He actually said to me he hoped it didn’t change anything! That his wife cheated on him a five years ago and he hasn’t felt the same way since.
There where many different emotions i felt when he told me. Shock, It completely blindsided me. I am trying to look back on our time together and i still can’t see any indicators he is married. Heart bake, because i fell for him. Stupidity or falling for him. Absolute disgust. With him and with myself. disgust that i still have feeling for this man, that i can’t just shut them off. Anger, I am angry with him for lying to me, for lying to his wife and his kids. I hate that i have become “the other women” because that is what i am now and have been all this time. I hate that one day his unknowing wife will have her heart broken because of me. There are other feeling like confusion, over how he could do this, how i could be sucked in!
He has told me to have a lovely Christmas and he will see me in the new year. At the time due to shock i said yes, kissed him and walked away. After reading this article its given me a kick up the ass. It didn’t tell me anything i didn’t already know but it helped when emotions are getting in the way. I have blocked him and i wont be meeting him on our next supposed date. I haven’t told him i won’t be but i don’t feel he deserves to know that. I think he’s lucky to have got off lightly.
Thank you for clearing the crap. I would have got there but you helped get me there faster.
Lizzie
Good for you. Now get tested for everything under the sun. You might not have been the only woman he was messing around with. Relationships with men who cheat go absolutely nowhere. They are their own worst enemy, and who needs that kind of mess in their life?
Yes you can. Many women I know dated married men and ended up marry the married men who left their wives. Never say never. Love is the key. It can happen any time any where under any kind of circumstances!
You are disgusting. Love is not selfish, so what you’re describing is not love. Knowing ‘many’ women like that automatically reveals your character.
I fell for a married man while I was married myself. We ended up having an affair, which I never in my life thought I’d do!! We both tried to respect the fact that we had a family and not get too emotionally involved. That never works out!! I ended up divorcing (totally different reasons- my ex was abusive), but he was still married. We kept seeing each other for a while until I broke it off. I did it for the sake of my emotional health and also, I didn’t wanna destroy his family. This article is really good, I just don’t feel like those are the only reasons for being with a married man. Sometimes you don’t look for it, it just happens. And yes, I blame myself for that. I should’ve ran anyway from the very first minute, but I didn’t think it was gonna go that far!
Things are not always as easy as they sound.