I don’t believe that only women who have already been mothers have the market cornered on maternal love– you either have the innate desire, or you don’t.
One sure sign that your ex is moving on from your marriage is when he brings a new woman into his life and to that of your children. You will have no control over who your ex dates, and eventually re-marries. Naturally you will wonder about what kind of influence she will be and whether or not she will be kind and loving.
It’s difficult to imagine your children sharing part of their life with another woman standing in as a parental figure. While some part of you might wince at the thought of them liking, even loving her, it is actually beneficial to your kids to have a good relationship with their new stepmom and to be able to count on her as a resource of care and support when you can’t be with them.
But, what if the new stepmom has never been a mother before?
Can a woman without children really be a good stepmom?
Women are childless for a variety of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with not liking or wanting children. Your ex’s new love might not yet have children because of her career, she hadn’t yet met the right person, for health reasons, infertility, and so on.
Hollywood will have us immediately jump to conclusions about stepmoms, envisioning a hooded black cape and shiny red apple in the back of her closet. I know that many not-so-kind women and stepmoms are out there, and some will marry our exes and become stepmoms. I contend that many more truly decent women are ready to become step moms and are capable of doing a fine job.
We shouldn’t be too hasty to judge the intentions of a new stepmom or her childless status. Also, is it reasonable to believe that in this age where women do not have to marry that very many would-be stepmoms would willingly choose to marry a man with children if they dislike kids? We, modern women, have the luxury of marrying for love instead of being forced into less-than-ideal situations, including becoming a stepmom to children against our will.
I’m going to step out on a limb and suggest that the majority of step moms in the year 2016 became involved with their new family with full knowledge and acceptance of the children. She didn’t have to marry him or agree to become a stepmom, so there’s a very small chance that her heart is not open to the prospect of making your children part of her own family and becoming a part of their life.
As a stepmom to four children (and two of my own), I can tell you that my marriage to their father was also a pact of love to them. I knew full well when I started dating my husband that he was a father, and it was understood that for our relationship to progress the kids and I would have to be willing to accept each other.
As much as he and I cared for one another, if I had been unwilling to take on four more children as my own, or if they had rejected me, our relationship would have ended. Our commitment was a package deal. He had to accept me and my children, and I had to be willing to do the same for him. The same would be true of a childless woman.
Your ex was a father first. She was surely aware of the children, knew that they were a huge priority in his life and that they would become a regular part of the schedule and future holidays, vacations, and so on. Children of her own or not, she made a conscious decision to include your children into her marriage and life. I’m not sure that any stepmom fully comprehends the myriad of emotions and life-changing transformations that accompany the role; but, it is not a choice one would enter into blindly.
As a stepmom with my own biological children, I have no doubt that I had an advantage over a non-parent when I became a stepmother. I already had firsthand experience with parent-teacher conferences, staying up all night with sick little ones, disciplining unwanted behaviors, and so on. All this is to say that I knew how to raise my children. I knew their quirks and preferences. My real life mothering experience gave me insight into how to take care of his children, but I still had to get to know his children individually and adapt to their personalities and needs.
They were used to different foods, traditions, methods of discipline, and so on. I’m glad that I had my experience as a mom to get started as a stepmom, but I still had to venture into new territory with teenagers and other things that I had not yet done with my own kids. Having already been a mom in no way made me a parenting expert. In fact, my husband and I still talk and brainstorm every day about issues going on with the kids and how to address them. We also both read, ask other parents, and try to educate ourselves about raising kids through different situations because we are still learning!
This tells me that a non-mom could also research to figure out how to get through. Maybe she has nieces and nephews, friends with kids or other supports to tap into. Your ex will be an indispensable resource for her to get to know the kids, and she will need to take cues from his actions as to the routines, boundaries, and other important factors in their lives. Perhaps, she may even be able to rely on you to provide information and guidance? Try not to think of it as a contest because it’s really about your children being safe, happy, and comfortable wherever they go!
So, can only an experienced mother do well as a stepmother? I don’t think so. As already stated, this new woman in your children’s lives made a conscious choice to enter into a union where children already existed. Although parenting experience might make the transition to parenting a little easier, even a veteran mom would need to get on the same page with your ex’s parenting style and learn all about your kids.
I also don’t believe that only women who have already been mothers have the market cornered on maternal love– you either have the innate desire, or you don’t. Let’s face it, it requires more bravery and commitment to take on someone else’s children if only part time than it is to start from scratch with your own. At least with your own child he or she only has you for comparison! We don’t question whether or not an adoptive mother is fit for the job or has the capacity to love another woman’s child, so why do we place step moms under greater scrutiny? I say that if a woman has the nerve to step up and assume the role as part of a child’s parenting team even though she shares no DNA or history with that child, she deserves some sort of medal!
This is probably the only article ever penned on this subject so I applaud the author for writing and sharing it. The only thing I would add is interviews (or comments) from actual real world step-moms who do not have biological children, as well as comments (from the same group) about adult stepchildren and the challenges they present. Perhaps it could be a series.
I am a boy 14 old i been living with my stepmom since 3 old. my dad often abroad for work. she loves me a lot and me too she s gentle and was able to handle all delicate subjects and made me never to be shy of her. even ….. i thank her
What I don’t see in this article is how we deal with a woman who’s never had children yet thinks she’s an expert because she’s now the step mother of your child? How do you address this woman who doesn’t favor the routine and rituals of holidays and celebrations that were well in place and worked well before she came into the picture but is insulted and complains to your ex husband that these existing routines and rituals are awkward for her, yet these are cherished by the child?
Step Mothers need to respect existing boundaries and suck it up if they don’t like it. These women should also make the effort to get to know their step child’s mom and respect the role that the biological mother has in the life of the child. In my case, the new wife had expectations and instead of my ex managing expectations, he expected that existing routines and rituals would be changed to suit the tastes of the new wife.
I’m sure some women who read this will be insulted, however, there are boundaries that step moms need to acknowledge and respect and Just because you don’t like what’s in place doesn’t mean it’s all going to change just because you are now in the picture.
Hi, Michelle! Thanks for reading and commenting! This particular article is just about whether or not a woman who has not experienced being a mother is capable of the task of being a stepparent. I believe this really depends on each woman being faced with this challenge and he willingness to embrace the kids and the responsibility. You bring up many valid points about the relationship boundaries that should exist in stepparent relationships. I address many of the concerns you have identified in several pieces you can find here on DivorcedMoms, Stepparent Magazine, Stepmom Magazine, and elsewhere. It is important for all the parties involved to recognize and respect what has already been established in the children’s lives.There is a lot of work still to be done on both sides of the mom-stepmom fence. I still so much, often needless, animosity and pot-stirring going on when focus needs to be given, instead, to maintaining a peaceful and harmonious environment for the kids they both love. Thanks again for your input!
Hello, Michelle. Sorry, “offended” woman here. I just thought I should set the record straight here, a little bit. Your comment just sounds like pure jealousy and lack of understanding for the woman who is trying so hard to live her life with her new husband and love and care for your child on top of it.
The step mother has EVERY right to a say in the traditions her and her husband partake in, it is their household. You as the biological mother do not have control over this. You want to keep things a certain way, do it in your household. We do not live to serve you and your ideas of what this child’s life should be like at dad’s house. Maybe she wants to start her own traditions. Newsflash: she is completely entitled to that and you have absolutely no say in it. Her relationship and home do not relvolve around your child. Step mothers don’t need to give up their entire lives to make YOU happy. As long as the child is loved, And well cared for at dad’s house, you have no right to complain. You are not a stepmother without her own children, and therefore I’m sorry but you won’t ever return understand.
If you are the step mother to a young child who has been through an incredible amount of change, if the child wants and is expecting a certain holiday ritual to continue because it provides a source of comfort to the child, why not? If you are marrying a man with very young children, it may be in your interest to get to know the children’s mother, especially, if dad hasn’t been in the picture all that much because of choices he made. To think as a step mother, your choice to celebrate holidays with a “my way or its the highway” approach will backfire on you. The biological mother totally gets she doesn’t have a say at your house just as much as YOU don’t get to say what happens at moms house. No, your step children don’t get to run your house nor should they but to totally erase traditions to them that could ease a transition when you have been in the picture for a short period of time or if there have been multiple women in the picture due to the indiscretions of the father should be a consideration of the step mother.
Michelle… you are just seeing things from your point of view as a bio mom. I am a step mom to my step kids and a wonderful one at that. I have given my all to help transition the changes. However, the bio mom and my husband were responsible for their marriage not working and being in a broken family …. not me.. my step children’s bio mom had a year long affair and chose to leave my now husband for her lover … I came into the picture later, fell in love, got married and I am now a step parent. Sure, their bio mom would like to continue whatever traditions she wants but I am allowed to have boundaries for my household on what’s confer able for me because guess what ??? I wasn’t born to only make my step kids happy and adhere to the wants of my husbands ex. She chose to give up “her traditions” when she chose to have an affair and leave. It is absolutely not my responsibility to now make her and my step kids comfortable with things that don’t make me confortable. I am a person too who’s dreams didn’t include sharing my husband with calls from his ex wife about the kids but guess what, I do have to suck that part up but what I don’t have to do is give up any and all boundaries I have as a wife … bio moms need to start appreciating what step moms give up to take care of their kids and cut us some slack. We are just people /women in an incredibly awkward situation. I’m thankful my husband understands that when he married me he had to give up “certain traditions” just as I had to say goodbye to a lot of date nights, finances and alone time. My point is step parents give up a lot for kids that aren’t there own and should be allowed to have their own traditions start …. otherwise what would be the point from my perspective to stay in the marriage and continue to care for a family that would never feel truly like mine. My advice would be to allow your husbands new wife to form a bond,traditions and life that feels like their own. Parenting is hard work and I wouldn’t be willing to stay if I didn’t see this as my own family unit ….
Another comment to Abby here – based on what you have written and your attitude, I bet you haven’t even once attempted to reach out to your step child’s mother. You sound like you have no respect for your step childrens mother and that’s beyond tragic. If you are a woman to step children where you were having an affair with the child’s father while he was still married to their mother, then there’s an even greater reason to be respectful of traditions and to create a bridge of communication with their child’s mother. Obviously, this may be difficult to attempt as the mom may be harboring some ill feelings for you which is perfectly normal. Women who become step parents in these situations should realize that they will have to deal with their step children’s mother at some point and will likely have to deal with the consequences of their behavior.
Children are very adaptable. They will love the traditions you carry in your home and the traditions daddy and their step mother create in their home. I actually have a good relationship with my step’s mom, and it came from me setting my boundaries for my home and my life. Respect for bio mom has nothing to do with respect for yourself. Often, biological moms expect it to be “their way or the highway”. Everyone is the enemy. How dare you come into my child’s life and change things, etc. Unfortunately, we are all our own people. Just because you gave birth to the child doesn’t mean you get to control everybody around them. That is very sad and unrealistic. Basically, you’re taking away anything unique that this other woman has to offer your child.
I think you are over generalizing and assuming every bio mom is controlling. Every family and circumstance is different. This is no different then becoming a new member of an extended family – if you were to have Thanksgiving Dinner with your new in-laws, I’m sure you wouldn’t go into their home and demand to change their traditions and whatever they did because you had a different idea. If young children were use to doing something that they cherished, why wouldn’t you at least be open to that idea given that you as the step mother are the newest member of an already existing family? This is where you are missing the point. I think many step mothers think they need to act like they are the new sheriff in town and instead of easing into a family situation, they think they need to show they exert power in the family and that’s by asking the husbands children to abandon what they know because step mom is insecure. You might want to check out a website called www.bonusfamilies.com which provides further guidance.