The other day I caught myself reminiscing my old life. When I was married. When I was part of a team.
As my mind wandered from memory to memory, I realized the theme of disappointment. We ate dinner together every night while watching our favorite TV shows, but I would do the cooking and cleaning without feeling appreciated. We danced together at my cousin’s wedding, but I had to drag him off the couch to go. We watched the ultrasound of our son at the doctor’s office, but I didn’t know at the time he was having an affair with a co-worker. My mental trip down memory lane made me feel sad, then disappointed all over again, then relieved. Thank Baby Jesus I’m not in that relationship anymore!
As I approach two years from my separation, there’s one thing that keeps frustrating me: How can I be sad about someone I no longer want? It doesn’t make sense. I miss him AND loathe him at the same time. When I brought this up to my therapist, she assured me that it’s okay to feel both. People are rarely able to compartmentalize emotions after a breakup. Going through the healing process means letting myself feel both the relief of not being mistreated anymore and the heartache of losing my partner.
I’ve learned that I can’t simply switch off the feelings I had for my ex. Despite the awful way he treated me the last six months we were married, I still miss the love and friendship we once had. I remember when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and we were the only two people in this world who understood our love. Hell, I remember having someone to call when my car broke down on the way to work. It’s hard to admit it, but there it is. I’m still mourning the man I thought I’d be married to the rest of my life. Even though the man he ended up being is not deserving of my love, I miss him.
And I hate him. I hate that he took my loyalty, my love, and my innocence for granted. Eventually throwing them, and essentially me, away like last week’s trash. I hate that instead of talking to me about his unhappiness, he chose to discuss our issues with co-workers behind my back. And I hate that he opted to have an affair with the 24-year old receptionist in his office, often leaving me (his 9-month pregnant wife) home alone and scared. Don’t I deserve to despise him? Does feeling these things mean I’m not healing? I think it’s the opposite. I believe this means that I am still disgusted with the decisions he made and the selfish person he became. That acknowledging I have these feelings are important for me to eventually let them go.
Wow, my therapist would be proud!
I know I look back on my married life with a bit of cynicism now. Okay, a LOT of cynicism. But the truth is I did experience happiness and tenderness during the 12 years we spent together. I suppose it’s only natural for me to miss those moments. It doesn’t make me want the relationship back. It doesn’t minimize the pain and betrayal he eventually caused me. But being honest with myself means I have to remember that we did laugh and enjoy each other for a long time.
So, when I find myself torn between the sadness of loss and the gratitude of my freedom, I can remember that both are my truth. As confusing as it is sometimes, I have to let myself feel it all. I honestly believe it’s the only way for me to move on and never look back.
I think this is such a brave article to write. To face the polarized emotions and memories of your marriage and relationship I thnk must be one of the most difficult to face, and yet such a big step toward healing.
“I hate that he took my loyalty, my love, and my innocence for granted. Eventually throwing them, and essentially me, away like last week’s trash. I hate that instead of talking to me about his unhappiness, he chose to discuss our issues with co-workers behind my back.”
I can really relate lol. I wish my ex would have talked to me instead of “seeking” counsel from close friends. Great, you can share your unhappiness with them, but leave me in the dark… thanks 😉
This is also my story, my conflict with the exception that my husband died from cancer. I struggle with the conflicting emotions. I struggle with loathing him and loving him for the 42 years we were together. I struggle not being able to tell our daughter, my in-laws about my feelings because no one saw the daily mental anguish I tolerated each and every day. I could do nothing right, nothing fast enough, nothing well enough, wrong grocery items, wrong lane choice, wrong hair style, wrong bra, wrong clothing selections, etc … he made a point to see and tell me about each and every flaw on my body as it aged … comparing me to the 29 year old co-worker he was messing with. I could very easily put his belongings away, but then our daughter would wonder why? She would be hurt if I packed his things, and family photos away. She would be resentful if I would mention this treatment after he’s no longer here to defend himself. I don’t want to stay stuck in this memory, but yet I cant move forward.
Celle, he held you back while he was living and, now that he is dead you’re giving him the power to continue to hold you back. If he treated you the way you’ve described you don’t owe him anything…who cares if he is here to defend himself. Gather his things up and rid your home of them. Stop worrying about how that will impact other people because, frankly, if you lived that way for 42 years, you’ve earned the right to be happy. Tell others that it’s too painful to have his things around, ask if anyone wants anything and get any memory of him out of your life. Then go out and LIVE!