During the first few years of our 50/50 custody arrangement, we appeared to be on such good terms that I would allow him into my house when he picked up our daughter for custody exchanges. Looking back, I can’t believe it! Had he really changed for the better?
I’ve been through the wringer over the last few years concerning my daughter’s custody. Lawyer meetings, motions, cross-motions, court appearances, mediation sessions, and on it goes. Married to an angry, verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive narcissist, I fled my marriage taking my 3-month old with me. She’ll be 10 next month. My biggest regret? Not filing for and getting full custody when we went through the initial divorce process all those years ago.
Having been separated for over a year before even meeting with a lawyer, time allowed for conflict between my husband and me to cool down. I was a busy single mom raising my infant daughter on my own, fitting in weekly therapy sessions while working full time, thanks to the help of daycare. That year seemed to last a lifetime, and while I definitely suffered from PTSD as a result of his abuse, the memories of it were dampened with the time that passed before officially filing for divorce. I wasn’t waiting for or even wanting any kind of reconciliation with my ex, but I just didn’t realize the importance of acting on the divorce immediately.
While we, naturally as human beings, sometimes make hasty decisions in the thick of things, I believe it is in the thick of things when we also act on the true emotion of a situation, thus helping us make better decisions. There’s no time for any level of second-guessing or regret to sneak in to change our minds, which best describes my situation.
Time away from him caused me to become lulled into a sense of security where there was none.
But because I let so much time pass, those instinctual feelings that led me to leave my marriage in the first place began to fade. My ex and I were cordial with one another, talked regularly. He began to see our daughter on weekends, soon taking her unsupervised for entire weekends. I guess looking back in the fog of it all, I started to feel misplaced guilt. I felt as though my daughter deserved to have her father in her life. My dad left when I was 10, and we only saw each other every few months during school vacations. I didn’t want that for my daughter. I thought this was the better decision. My ex’s anger had appeared to subside, and I, naively, thought things had gotten better, so I agreed to (gulp) shared 50/50 custody.
During the first few years of this custody arrangement, we appeared to be on such good terms that I would allow him into my house when he picked up our daughter for custody exchanges. I would spend some time in his house when I picked our daughter back up. I had a key to his house and helped with the dog. He even watered my plants for me while I took my daughter on vacation. Yes, I gave him the key to my house! My abuser, a key! Looking back, I can’t believe it! Had he really changed for the better?
The answer was no. In reality, of course, his true self, the true self that had originally sent me packing, was just lying dormant. Dormant, that is, until he met his current wife a few years later, who brought out his nasty side again; gave him the desire to start fighting with me again. His anger came front and center, this time with a vengeance.
And then, the man I was married to returned, with a vengeance!
Within a few months of meeting his wife, his brick wall was up and impenetrable. He refused to work together concerning any custody, co-parenting, or school issues. He hired a lawyer and took me to court. He wasn’t looking for full custody, he just decided he didn’t want to pay child support anymore, all $400 a month of it. He had to know this was a futile fight, his lawyer could have told him that, but didn’t because he liked the checks coming his way.
My ex stopped all communication with me unless through his attorney. Through this child support litigation, all sorts of other issues arose and fighting for my daughter became my full-time job. It took over our lives, as he threatened this and threatened that, none of which I knew would hold any water (like how he complained to our mediator that I was feeding our daughter too much broccoli for dinner – yup, you read that correctly, I rest my case), but we still had to go through the legal fight.
For him, it was all out of spite and hatred for me and had nothing to do with our daughter or her well-being, thus his narcissism. I was remarried at the time and expecting a child with my husband. Over the next 3 years as my family grew, what started out as my ex’s poor attempt to gain the upper hand, as narcissists feel the need to have, turned into tens of thousands of dollars spent unnecessarily on lawyer fees, court dates, mediation sessions, and tons and tons of stress and anxiety.
My daughter is paying for my inaction.
Had I filed for divorce as soon as we separated, while the anger and abuse was fresh in my mind, body, and soul, I would have fought for full custody and all of this later nonsense wouldn’t have needed to occur. Sure, there might have been other nonsense of his, but the judge would have known his record of abuse. During this most recent litigation, she actually thought we were both at fault for past wrongdoings. Seriously?!?!
If I knew now what he was capable of, dragging us all through the mud for naught, I would have protected my daughter better than I did back then. Everyone involved would be better off. If my attorney was worth his weight I would have won full custody and the rest would be history.
But it’s not. I’ll never know the full impact that all of this has had on her and will continue to have on her. While my daughter and I continue to have a close and open relationship, she no longer talks to me about anything that concerns her dad’s house. Once upon a time, she confided in me that she was frightened by her father’s yelling and anger, but now she dodges even the most general question, such as if I ask her how her weekend was. She doesn’t know about the court issues but knows that her mother and father can’t be in the same room together. I silently pray for her to someday know him the way I know him, but I know that’s not fair of me. Sadly though for her, I’m sure she’ll make her own judgments as time passes.
Today, he still doesn’t communicate with me and continues to ignore my emails, while we wait for the courts to assign us a co-parenting therapist. He does still pay child support, though.
I pray for my daughter’s well-being when she’s with him and worry every day that she is in the custody of this man, a man who may still be able to pull the wool over some people’s eyes, but not mine. I will always regret the fact that I didn’t fight for full custody way back when I had a chance. There isn’t any current substantial evidence for me to fight for full custody now. But there was back then.
Thank you for sharing your experience with your narcissistic ex. I am in a similar situation with a narcissistic ex wife. We have 50/50 custody of our daughter as well. I just want to remind everyone that the man is not always the bad guy. Women can and do incredibly terrible things during and after a divorce. The family court system is biased against men. It is unbelievable how gullible most family court judges are. They almost always give favor to the woman by default. Also, the cost of divorces insane. There is no reason a divorce attorney should make $400/hour. None. All of this emotional and financial turmoil is detrimental to the children. Please remember that selfish entitled adults are the problem and they come in BOTH genders.
I don’t have any solutions other than to recommend that people really slow down and take their time instead of rushing into a marriage. But then again I dated my ex wife for 4 years before getting married and she still duped me. I thought she was a woman of principles, but it was all a facade. The first time she didn’t get her way, she became violent and threw a fit like a child.
My heart goes out to the author or this article. I know what you are going through. I am experiencing a very similar situation. I truly wish you all the best and hope your ex husband will come to his sensing and do what is best for your daughter.
Ally,
Do you have a blog or other location where I can follow you? I feel our wasbands are similar and I would love to follow your journey.
Thank you.
I’m sorry, Tina. Ally doesn’t have a blog or any social media information listed on her bio. I’m sure she is writing anonymously to protect her identity.
I was in a fog when I filed. I had no idea I was abused, I just thought I was so so unhappy with him. When I filed I told the lawyer it would be fine, joint custody would be okay as he wasn’t violent. Was I wrong!! Within weeks of filing he went from just being emotionally, financially and isolatingly abusive to getting phyisically threatening with me to the point I feared for my life. I called my lawyer and said I had to have sole custody. And I was told… No, you can’t change your filing. This was three month later… he hadn’t reviewed ANYTHING yet, discovery had not begun… in short, my lawyer lied to me. To this day, I have no idea why. She screwed me many other areas in my divorce as well. Five years and four new lawyers since, I have spend over $100,000 on legal fees, not in trying to get sole custody but in my narcissistic ex’s failures to follow the JPA and MSA, continued abuse and neglect of the children which in classic narcissistic form he then projects onto me accusing me in court of doing the things he himself is doing. Finally have a good lawyer and protection, but courts are blind and don’t care who is at fault. So my kids are still at great risk. If you are abused at all and are finally getting out… seek shelters, ring the bell of abuse early and loud and do NOT for a second think by leaving you will be free. When kids are involved, you will never be free. Don’t minimize the abuse, don’t get tricked into believing it wasn’t so bad, don’t let guilt of not being abused “enough” hold you back. Abuse is abuse! Trust me, he won’t change, he won’t go away, he won’t let you get away with trying to constantly punish you for leaving and embarrassing him, and he will use the kids to hurt you. Protect yourself… minimize the need to communicate with him by getting sole custody.
Hi Ally,
What do you mean by “current substantial evidence”? I don’t have a police report, but he did attempt to kill me when I was pregnant. There were also several other situations of physical abuse when I was pregnant with all 3 of my children. What kind of substantial evidence do I need to get sole custody?
Thank you.
I’m not Ally and looks as if she is choosing not to respond to comments. Maybe I can help you. Substantial evidence would be police reports, hospital records or eyewitnesses who can testify in court. If you don’t have those things it will end up being your word against his. If he physically abused you and you didn’t report it or seek treatment for wounds, it’s unlikely a judge will take your word for it. These are all questions you should ask your attorney.
My ex and I divorced two years ago and had the best two year raising our daughter after the divorce. But as you know how narcissists act it was all over when he got engaged two months after dating our daughters teacher!!! My daughter was forced to move mid year and it was awful! Now he’s filed to take me to modify custody which we have 50/50 bc his new gf doesn’t like us communicating. So now I’m paying thousands of dollars to fight this in court. Just when I thought I was out he drug me back in. None of his complaints are about our child just him and his fiancée. So any advice I need to put in court order for boundaries with new wife?
I dealt with this same situation. And the judge did put stipulations in the new orders since my ex had not only given his wife a power of attorney over our daughter, but the judge also was not a fan of my exes desire to make his new wife replace me. He was very angry when I had brought up that I simply wanted my ex husband to be a parent himself, since he had parented by proxy so often and ignored the simplest needs of our daughter! It is a vicious circle with narcissistic parents.
I too have a narcissistic ex-husband. He had a massage worker coming into out home hiding to have sex with him while I was pregnant and already had a 3 year old. The courts, especially male judges I must add, seem to be blind to the aspd many if these abusive men have. My ex broke into my home while me and two sons were sleeping, got caught on camera, I’d being prosecuted from the State, I was granted a domestic violence injunction, and I still have an upward battle to win custody to protect my sons.
I’m completely devastated, I love my family and I’m so sorry my daughter now has to grow up with her parents living in two different homes… gosh it makes me sick to my stomach… This is NOT the person I married. Not only my wife but her mother also mentioned wife was struggling from postpartum. In fact wife went to 3 different psychologists while we were together and ALL three prescribed antidepressants at very different periods of her life adding years between them. She has been getting terrible advice, she has yet to put herself in my shoes, and she most definitely isn’t allowing the reality , nor the effects and the obvious consequences this type of behavior and a high conflict custody battle can have on everyone involved ESPECIALLY an innocent toddler. I’m led to believe she imagines the court will be awarding her full custody at our hearing next month. Then she’ll immediately ask to travel overseas with my daughter and perhaps return 2 times a year. I mean who knows what’s she’s thinking or what info she’s being fed as she’s certainly not communicating with me… The entire situation is a shame… I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m looking everywhere to get some sort of resolution… Currently, I’m on my second lawyer. I would really appreciate any and all advice… Thank you in advance….
I am in the same situation. My ex new girlfriend does not like him talking to me about our child so he refuses to coparent. We currently have a temporary order. I hope the judge puts a stipulation in making him ccoparent because this whole situation is exhausting.
Our family had to deal with a Narcissist which was married to one of our children, But fortunately we realized before the divorce started that we recognized and saw Narcissistic traits and the patterns Narcissist follow. We read every article we could find and we went silent, it’s called “Cold Rock”. We did not talk to anyone associated with the Narcissist or any of the Narcissist family. Oh yes the Narcissists family, friend, acquaintances all came out of the woodwork and they asked and asked what was going on but they got no information. The Narcissist had to know what information we had so he gets everyone else to try and get you to talk. Don’t fall into the Narcissist trap. Narcissists are notorious for cheating and what happened for us was the past came back and people came forward voluntarily and the evidence of the Narcissist real past came overwhelming pouring in. Narcissist lie about past relationships and how many children they actually have. Our family discovered it was not one kid the Narcissist was paying child support too but it was actually 4 kids the Narcissist was paying child support for. So long story short, when the Judge read all the emails and text messages, no way did the Judge give the Narcissist the 50/50 timesharing. Narcissist got 28% timeshare.
You sound like someone who lives with a victim mentality. Own up to the fact you both married each other and have a child. At some point you two were in love, or at least liked each other. Whatever happened in between or after, I am sure we’re not getting the full story. This article is one sided until we hear from the ex. Get over it. Heal. Move on. Heal. Forgive. And Live.