He was having sex with men and had known he was gay since high school. It was as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and someone was punching me in the gut while doing it. I felt physically ill. My husband is gay?
Our story is what fairy tales were made of.
We met in January 2001 when I was on a six-week cultural exchange program in the Philippines. We fell in love and he asked me to marry him in May of 2001. After being approved for a visa to come to the states we were married in 2002.
There were cynics of my fairy tale, including my dad and one of my best friends, but I was so enamored and in love, that I wouldn’t listen. I was after all, over 30, well-read, and well-traveled. Surely if someone were using me I would know it.
Fast forward to this past December, we’d been married fourteen years and had a beautiful daughter of eleven. After being out of town for work, I came home to my husband, who said, “I want OUT. I don’t love you and I’ve been to see a divorce attorney.” I half laughed. “Oh really? Let me see the paperwork.” He marched out to his car, and when he returned, tossed the consultation paperwork at me. I was shocked, hurt, and angry. I thought we were building a life together. The next week, I went to an attorney and filed for divorce.
My husband stayed in the family house for the next few months, living/sleeping in the spare bedroom. He was cruel, saying in multiple ways, over this time, that he couldn’t be with someone as big as me. Yes, I’m fat. I admit it. It is no secret. I was fat when he met me, and fat when he married me. He had always said he married me because I was beautiful and would give him beautiful children. The fact that I was smart was just a bonus. But fourteen years later, he said he couldn’t be with a fat girl?
And then, I was faced with the terrible truth.
Something didn’t seem right about all of this, but I could never put my finger on it. I started investigating and found he had a secret life. He was having sex with men and had known he was gay since high school. It was as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest and someone was punching me in the gut while doing it. I felt physically ill. My husband is gay? It was all I could do to get out of bed and go to work. The anger, hurt, despair and hate all bubbled into a seething mass.
My friends were concerned for me, checking on me daily and trying to console me with words of wisdom.
“Just ignore him.”
“The best revenge is to be happy.”
“You are a vivacious, kind-hearted woman. Don’t let him turn you into something you aren’t!”
“Don’t go down that dark path. Focus on your daughter, be happy you are rid of him.”
But all I could think was what a fool I had been. How dare he make me feel like this was my fault? How dare he marry me knowing he was gay. How dare he pretend to have a life with me.
Last Sunday, I was at the airport and saw my husband and his lover exit the gate to make their way to baggage claim. (Yes, we are still married as he won’t fill out his paperwork.) I applied a fresh coat of bright red lipstick, marched up to the lover, greeted him with a hello and extended my hand. As he shook my hand I told him my name and said, ”It’s time we meet since we have been sharing my husband.” I was calm. I didn’t scream. I didn’t yell. Thank GOD, I did not cry. For the first time, my husband whispered the words that I’d been needing but dreading to hear for so long.
“Okay, you know I’m gay.”
After my encounter, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from me. I realize it is not my fault.
It does not matter what dress size I am.
It doesn’t matter how much money I make.
It doesn’t matter how pretty or kind I am.
I’m not the right gender, I don’t have the correct anatomy to please my husband. He was unwilling to admit it to himself, to me or to our child. I’ve felt humiliated and ashamed and wanted to sweep it under the rug.
No more feeling shame due to HIS lies.
Well, folks, this girl is not going to sweep it under the rug! I should not be embarrassed or humiliated. I am going to stand up, and take control my life. The media and society, forget about the straight spouses and kids that are involved. The person who has “come out” is applauded for “realizing” their identity and living the life they were meant to live. Everyone applauding them conveniently forgets about the devastation and destruction that was left in the wake of their coming out. The straight spouses need a voice, we need to be heard, we need to be recognized.
I’ve told my husband I will not lie for him. When people ask, I will be honest. I was not the one living a lie and I will not cover for him. I will tell how I was tested for STDs since I didn’t know who or how many people he had been with during our marriage.
I will tell people how he tried to blame me for the failure of our marriage because I was fat when in truth it failed because he is gay. I will tell about the money with which he has to travel, but how he cannot afford to help me with our child’s expenses.
I will speak the truth because being honest is part of the healing process. I want to heal. I want to move on. I want that vivacious, fun loving, kind, sweet girl back because she is pretty fricking awesome and my daughter deserves that mom. I am sure there will still be days when I cry and mourn for the fairy tale, but at least I know I am not at fault.
Tonight I pray, “Give me understanding that I may live” (Psalm 119:144).
Wow Penny could not imagine what you and your daughter are going thru. You are a very strong, beautiful woman. Do not let him tell you otherwise. Hang in there, you will get through this!
Penny you are a beautiful, caring and all over amazing woman. I can’t imagine all the emotions you have been through but hang in there. You and your daughter deserve all the BEST the world has to offer.
Penny I knew it wouldn’t be long before one of my strongest and most beautiful women I know would begin to bounce back! I absolutely feel horrible for you to go through this but I I’m proud of you and admire you so much and love love love this article!
Love and hugs!
Penny, you are a good, kind and caring woman and deserve to be free from him. You will continue to be that same woman and devote yourself to Ami and your future. What a horrible lie he made you live. May God give you the strength to carry on and the know leg to know we are all cheering you on.
You told your story so well. Maybe you can get back to writing that I know you love! You hold your head high. I hope your story and courage will help others. I hate that you and Ami are having to go through this but you are strong and you are not alone.
No one truly understands unless you are the one living it. I read this with tears running down my face because the reality of your pain, strength and courage just hit me so hard, and I am sorry you are walking through this. But, you are one of the most kind and resilant woman I know and it is a privledge to call you a friend. This is so well written and is an encouragement to all. I commend your raw honesty and transparency. You have already begun your new chapter and I am excited for you. Many blessings my friend!
Wow!
You are a strong, beautiful woman….it does get better!
wanted to clear up a sentence in my reply above.
finding someone who will love me fully, honestly and not use me. thank you so much for this!
First of all.
thank you so much for this! it really helped me a lot since I am recently divorced since October of last year from my now ex husband who i was married to for four years but we were together for 7 years. like your ex, my ex told me he was gay on our four year anniversary last year so i filed for divorce. he told me that he was having an affair with a guy who i thought was his best friend the whole time we were together and while we were married! but not only that, he also told me that he was also having many other sexual encounters with not just his lover but with other men as well! many of whom i had no idea about and we have two kids together, a son and a daughter both who are still so young!
I felt just like you. humiliated, angry for not seeing that he was gay but it’s been a year since then and i have moved out of our house which he kept and am living in my own apartment with my two kids, i got full custody of them and i do let my ex see them on weekends, hoildays, birthdays, etc but i don’t contact him as much or not even at all except for when he comes by to pick up the kids for the weekenr and such. i am finding myself again, meeting new people, travelling more and spending all the time i can with my kids who need more now than ever and i do miss him and will not forget the great times, moments and expereinces we shared but I do deserve better for myself and be a strong, beautiful, woman who deserves the best and also be a strong role model for my daughter, who is only 1 and i am in the process of healing and ultimately moving on and also finding someone who will love me fully and honestly and use me. so thank you so much for this!
Magdalena,
Thank you for your comments. I hope that my article has helped you. The pain of this is unlike any I have ever experienced. If you have not reached out to the Straight Spouse Network, I urge you to do so. There are support groups for women such as ourselves and we need to know we are not alone. Hold your head up high, put on some FABULOUS LIPSTICK and go out and conquer the world! I will be praying for your healing and for GOD to give you happiness! Hugs! Penny
Hi Penny,
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I am sending prayers your way.
As a member of the LGBT community ( I am bisexual ) I feel ashamed that someone who represents us breaks something as sacred as a vow in marriage.
I hope you and your daughter are able to heal and I hope anyone who has ever had to deal with that type of infidelity (let alone any infidelity) knows that it is not you. It was never a problem with you, it is always a problem with the other person to where they would consciously break such a sacred promise such as marriage.
My heart hurt reading this story and as I said before I am sending my prayers to you and your daughter as well as anyone else who has been hurt by something like this