So here I am. Exactly where I didn’t want to be. Growing up I made sure to do everything differently than my parents because I really didn’t want to end up like them. But life has a different plan for me.
Someone once told me that people strive for the three “Ms” and I had them. Marriage (as of 2002), Mortgage (as of 2006) and Munchkins (2007 and 2012). Now the first M has been destroyed, I will be losing the second in a few months and that only leaves me with the Munchkins who I am desperately trying not to damage because of the situation we now find ourselves in.
Let me back up. Six days after our twelve year wedding anniversary and six days before Valentine’s day my husband who I have known for 14 years advised me that he is gay. I was floored. For the next 30 minutes all I could say was “Oh my God.” It was the worst night of my life. I suddenly realized that my world was crumbling, the man I thought I knew was no longer.
The first couple days were really rough. We had decided to not say anything to anyone until we figured out what we were going to do. This included not telling our parents, for the time being. So on Monday we both went to work and he told his parents on the phone on the way there. I spoke with my Mom but said nothing because that is what we agreed on. I did speak to my boss because he is gay and it turns out he did essentially the same thing to his wife and kids after 13 years of marriage. It gave me a bit of hope because they stayed together in the same house for a year afterwards.
Later, when I got home, GH (gay husband) tells me that he told his parents and his boss. I blew a gasket. We had agreed to wait! This was the first in a string of lies and broken promises that have littered my life since February. This was completely out of character for him.
Now I know that no one wants separation or divorce in their life or worse yet for their children. But I really don’t want it. I am the product of a separated family from the 70s. My parents were the pioneers! They were one of the first generations to permanently do damage to their kids by splitting up and then subjecting their kid to bi weekly visitation, being the go between and the enormous tension between them whenever they had to be in the same room.
I never want my kids to live that and even though I know what not to do, just the fact that a separation will occur and that they will not have access to both their parents kills me. I am told that children are resilient and that they will adjust. Sorry, I call BS on that one.
My GH on the other hand had a “normal” family. His parents have been married for some 40 years and have had their ups and downs but have stayed together. They had 3 children, the first whom they gave up for adoption, but that is another story, and then my brother in law and my GH. So my hubby has no idea what splitting up a family feels like, at all. The toughest thing he had to deal with was switching cities every couple of years and an anger problem that saw him stab his brother in the hand.
I think the thing that bothers me the most about this whole thing is that before we got married I asked my GH if there was a chance that he was gay. Why, you ask? He was a musician, he has certain effeminate qualities, he gets very emotional (i.e. cries at movies, etc.), he likes ABBA. His brother, whom I worked with at the time, had said he thought that GH was gay, but this was way before I had even met him or started dating him. I even asked my gay best friend if GH set off his gaydar. I asked because I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting on a sinking ship.
He said “no.” He said he had one experience in University and he didn’t enjoy it, so no he was definitely not gay. When the bomb went off, I reminded him of this. He says he wasn’t ready to admit it to himself yet and that he was sorry.
Later he tells me that he came out to his parents as bisexual when he was in University. This is something I would have like to have known. It would have changed my decision, which is probably why he didn’t tell me. When I brought it up to his parents, they said they don’t remember…RIGHT…my sister is a lesbian and I can bet you that my father remembers every second about the time she told him. You don’t forget an announcement like that. His parents were doing a happy dance because he married a woman. Oh the tangled web we weave.
At this point it has been 5 months. We have told our families and a select number of friends. My GH has told several people at work and doesn’t understand why I don’t tell more people. I have decided that he is a tool. We are currently in couples counseling, not because we want to save our marriage but because we want to proceed in the most amicable way possible. This is a bit hard because I am really angry, which I have every right to be, but my GH; thanks to the counselor of his gay dad’s group, thinks I should be over it by now.
We don’t really know what is going to happen now. We are preparing the house for sale, we need to pay off our joint debt, but where are we going to live? Not sure. We have talked about nesting, about sharing custody, about not sharing custody, about buying a house and having him live in the basement. I really want to move back to the city I came from but he wants to stay here. So there is a lot of stuff up in the air.
So that is where I am in a nutshell. Living the dream. If the dream were holding a crumbling building apart with you hands. I’m sure the silver lining is there somewhere I just can’t see it right now.
My ex was Bisexual. I knew he was from the second date – we had a good marriage for 20 years when the other “team” caught up to him. It’ wasn’t his fault, any more than when people normally grow apart … he had had to hide his true self for all that time from others.
When I realized his depression was because he was unhappy, we talked and realized it was time for us to both move on. We’ve spent the last 15 years co-parenting out kids … we always have family dinners for holidays and birthdays, and we support each other when times are rough.
Society made it impossible for him to be himself for 20 years. That wasn’t his fault. Why be angry when he did his best to be a good husband and father in spite of the fact that he was hiding who he really was? It wouldn’t have helped our kids (who have grown up to be pretty well adjusted and good members of society) and it certainly wouldn’t have accomplished anything to be angry with him when the time came that he needed to be his authentic self….
There is a great online community called the Straight Souse Network that you may want to check out…. its a great place to get support from others who have been through this kind of situation.
http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php
Hi Pamela,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a member of the straight spouses network but thank you for the suggestion. I chose to write here because I’m sick of being in hiding. I will get over my anger. It has been made harder since the man I once knew is completly different now.
K.
Girlfriend, be angry. Go for it. Feel it, get it out. You have EVERY RIGHT!! My ex is gay and refused to admit it, despite me finding some very obvious texts to his male co-worker. It was confusing for me NOT being able to point to something that had caused some of our issues.
First and foremost, get those ducks in a row. What do YOU want, and what is best for the kids? Staying in a “nesting” situation right now…bad idea. You need some space from this situation, and having your GH living under your house (and bringing “friends” home) will only make you angry and confuse your children. I’m not saying take the kids away from your GH, I’m saying a divorce is just that – a divorce.
I’m also a child of divorce, and a nasty one at that. So you’ve got that experience to work with. You know what you want and what you don’t want this to look like. Frame your divorce just like you framed your marriage. If you want to move back to the city you used to live in? Then talk with your lawyer and make it happen. Space and a change of scenery will do wonders to help you heal. Your kids will be okay – IF YOU ARE OKAY.
(cont’d)
He’s thinking only of himself right now (from what you’ve said in the story). That’s fine, it’s his deal. You can’t change him or who he’s telling. At this point, all bets are off. You need to do what you can to make sure YOUR BOAT is sea-worthy. So, start having supporting friends over for dinner. They will help save your sanity. Get a counselor or therapist that you love; one you can say anything to and not be afraid you will be judged. Take trips with your munchkins if you’re financially able. Again, doesn’t have to be anything big – could be as small as the zoo in another city etc. The important thing is to start building a life with them WITHOUT your GH.
It WILL get easier. It seems overwhelming right now. That’s okay because you’re in the deep end of the pool and you’re learning how to swim. Don’t fret, honey. We’ve all been there and we all survive. Now is the time to get a CPA or financial advisor along with a really GREAT divorce attorney. Treat yourself well. It’s okay to cry, yell and scream (as long as the munchkins are at school or at a friend’s house!).
I’m so proud of you for writing about your experiences! It’s hard to do without sounding bitter and hateful. Especially for what you’re going through! Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love your children. Love your friends. Wait for this to pass; it will. The dust will settle and then you can re-build. Hugs to you, honey. You are strong. You’ll get through this!
XOXO
Michela
Leave him!
Well About 4 weeks ago my life was turned upside down and I found out my husband was gay….. Yip another gay man within the community.
What is it that the other gay men think it is ok to cheat on men within committed relationships! I just don’t get it… Anyway I am and are comming to terms with it, it is very hard as he has been my best friend for 23 years, we have been through so much and now what does the future hold??? I have no idea, but I feel I’m only 40 and lucky I’m not any older or it may have been harder for him and me… Now we put the plan together of what will happen to the friendship for the next 23 years. It hurts like hell and I cry in my darkest moments, but I think hes happy finally being him my hart tells me I still love him just as much as I have over the last years, and that life is too short to hate on him. I’m sharing this as I feel others pain now, a world I have no idea about a world that was so hidden…. From what I have learnt you have to look after yourself and start to make new plans for you and your kids. From here each of us find our new paths just like you will or will have. I have grown through this and would have to say it is the most difficult thing I have gone through, there is a light at the end of the tunnel just when I will see it is the unknown. Take care my friend my hart goes out to you… 🙂